Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  In chaotic, confusing, or dangerous situations, do you instinctively look for someone who knows what is going on to tell you what to do or where to go? As I stated previously, most people can perform admirably in either a dominant or submissive role as needed in their day-to-day lives. To learn whether you are psychologically hard-wired to be a submissive, you need to dig a little deeper than that. One way to do that is to consider where your mind retreats to when it needs to find its happy place - the mental sanctuary where you find joy, where your soul can recharge. Another way to accomplish the same thing is to take note of what happens when you are under a great deal of stress or duress, when fear and confusion short-circuit your ability to act out a role. It is in those moments of dread and anxiety that the facade is stripped away momentarily and the foundational character traits are laid bare for all to see. The question isn’t whether or not you are fearful. The question is: When experiencing terrible fear, do you instinctively become a leader or a follower? If you find more comfort as a follower than as a leader in times of great stress or danger, then you just may be a submissive.

  Does it give you a thrill when the person you love takes charge in the bedroom? Once again, let me caution you about misinterpreting the question. This is not a question about whether you can or do take charge sexually in the bedroom. This question is about how you feel when someone else does. Remember, D/s isn’t necessarily about what you do. It’s about who you are, how you relate, and how you feel. Some people find this difficult to believe, but your competency at demonstrating dominant behaviors in your sex life has nothing to do with whether or not you may be a submissive. But whether or not having your hair pulled during rough sex sends tingles to your crotch just might. If the mere thought of your partner showing you who’s boss in the bedroom causes your heart to go all aflutter, then you just may be a submissive.

  Do you seem inexplicably attracted to highly assertive, self-confident people? Have you developed a sort of intuitive radar for spotting the alpha individual in any room? If so, you are definitely not alone. Many natural submissives have, over the course of their lifetimes, developed and honed this ability, often without even realizing it. Similarly, many gays and lesbians are able to utilize a finely tuned “gaydar” sense that helps them to spot subtle body language and other nonverbal cues that can help to identify potential partners. When you walk into a room full of strangers, do your “spidey senses” immediately home in on that alpha person? Is your curiosity naturally drawn to the person telling a funny story in the center of a cluster of laughing people? Or perhaps you can simply feel his or her direct gaze upon you from clear across the room. If any, or all, of these scenarios sound familiar to you, you just might be a submissive.

  Do you feel good about changing your appearance, behavior, or habits in order to please your partner? People generally tend to fall into three categories, when it comes to altering how they look or act in order to please someone else. Just for fun, I sometimes like to characterize the three categories as salmon, cats, and dogs.

  Salmon swim against the current. The salmon folks are those who are fiercely independent and completely uncompromising when it comes to their appearance and behavior. A person in this category not only enjoys blazing her own path, but often seeks out and enjoys the opportunity to swim against the tide of opinion, even if it is the opinion of the person whose opinion she values the most. She’s the one who says, “Honey, I love you, but if you try to tell me what to wear, how to look, or how much I should weigh, I will rip your balls off and feed them to the dog.”

  Cats are aloof. A cat person is one who is ambivalent or even apathetic about this issue. If her appearance or behavior pleases her mate great, but his opinion carries no more weight - and often less - than anyone else’s does. She worries about what people think, just not so much about what her partner thinks.

  Dogs are eager to please. They are not only willing to alter their appearance and behavior to please their partners, they live for it. The dog person derives a tremendous amount of joy and fulfillment from the approval that comes from her mate as the result of any change in her wardrobe or hair color, the success of her diet, or progress in overcoming bad habits. If you fit into this latter category; if you’ve ever found yourself asking your partner what you should wear, how you should eat, or whether you should quit smoking, then there’s a very good chance that you might be a submissive.

  Pencils down! Pass your papers to the front of the class. Let’s take a moment here to reiterate the point that there are no right or wrong answers to any of the preceding questions. They are simply designed to get you thinking about what is really going on inside of your head and in your heart. It is entirely possible to have answered all of the introspection questions in the negative, and yet still be a submissive. Conversely, you could have been nodding in complete and utter agreement with every question, and still not be a submissive. To say it can be an incredibly complicated issue would be a gross understatement.

  If only it were as easy as going to the pharmacy, purchasing a test kit, and taking it home to pee on a little plastic stick. Red for Dominant, blue for submissive, purple for switches, and yellow for everyone else. Life really would be so much simpler.

  The Gift of Submission

  Much has been said in D/s circles about the so-called “Gift of Submission” that is believed by many to be bestowed upon a Dominant by his submissive. For many, especially those who may be new to the D/s lifestyle, it can be a concept with a great deal of utility. After all, it sometimes needs to be said that one’s submission is not something that can be taken from you by force. It is something that you give willingly to someone who deserves it. So, in the sense that it is willingly given, submission is most definitely a gift.

  There are also some people who may not fully appreciate the very real and intrinsic value of one’s submission to her Dominant. If a submissive is plagued with serious self-esteem issues, she may view herself as worthless and, therefore, her submission as equally worthless. In such a case, it becomes necessary and appropriate to teach her that not only does she have value, but her submission is a gift of great value which should not be wasted on the unworthy. In such a case, the metaphor of submission as a gift can be very useful.

  One occasionally hears discussion of the gift of submission as something which must be earned. I, for one, am not entirely comfortable with that notion, but am certainly willing to take a closer look at it. Can you think of any other situation or scenario in our society where gifts must be earned? We have words for the things we earn in our culture; words like wages, paychecks, tips and bonuses. I will certainly admit that a Dominant should earn a submissive’s trust, respect and love as their relationship evolves but, at the beginning of any relationship, there is often going to be a significant leap of faith involved. At that point, a Dominant may have demonstrated certain traits that make him attractive and potentially worthy of such a leap of faith, but it is doubtful he has earned much.

  A gift, by definition, is something that is given with no strings attached and no expectation of getting anything in return. When something is bestowed upon another with the expectation of getting something else in return, that is what the legal beagles like to call quid pro quo, which is Latin for trading “this for that.” This begs the question, is a person’s submission to her Dominant a gift, or is it quid pro quo? Most people would respond that every submissive expects something in return for her submission. That something may include love, respect, guidance, leadership, mentoring or affection, to name just a few of the infinite possibilities. So, yes, there usually are strings attached. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

  By the way, one rarely - if ever - hears mention of a “gift of domination.” And no, I’m not just looking for a crass opportunity to toot my own Dommy horn. If a person’s submission has intrinsic value then doesn’t a person’s domination? Since we’ve already firmly established the quid pro quo nature of most D/s relationships, then perhaps th
e most useful and descriptive metaphor would be the notion of a gift exchange. The only explanation I have been able to come up with for this apparent lack of any mention of the gift of domination is the fact that Dominants – with their big honkin’ egos - rarely have to be convinced of the value of their contribution to a relationship.

  Total Power Exchange

  Domination/submission relationships are often referred to as a form of power exchange or sometimes, total power exchange (TPE). As we’ve mentioned previously, there is obviously something being mutually exchanged in these relationships, but what is it, exactly? For many, it’s difficult to understand the notion that power is somehow being exchanged in both directions between a submissive and a Dominant. One of the reasons it can be unclear is the fact that quite often, we are talking about two completely different relationship dynamics. On one hand, the D/s dynamic governs the emotions and interactions in a long-term, committed, and loving D/s relationship. On the other hand, the BDSM dynamic governs play activity and physical interactions with our mates and play partners.

  Another reason for the general lack of clarity on this issue may be that there are many different ways we can define power. There is even some controversy over the question of whether something can be considered real power if it isn’t exercised or exploited. Some people believe that it isn’t so much power that is exchanged in TPE, as it is authority. The intrinsic difference between power and authority can best be explained thusly: If we were talking about a car, then power would be what was under the hood. Exercising that power would mean taking the car out for a spin. Having the authority to do so might involve a driver’s license, possessing the keys, or having the title and registration.

  In a long-term, committed D/s relationship, both power and authority are exchanged to an exponentially greater degree than in any short-term, uncommitted BDSM play scenario. The reasons for this should be fairly obvious but, to the casual observer, the true nature of the two way exchange may not be. It may be easy to see the authority that a submissive grants to her Dominant to exercise power over her life. It’s also easy to see that, even though her Dominant may be exercising that power, the submissive always retains the power and authority to revoke it at will, at any time. Additionally, she typically retains the power or ability to do for herself what she has granted her Dominant the authority to do; she simply chooses not to exercise that power.

  Consider the submissive who may be perfectly capable of managing her own household budget, but has ceded the authority to do so to her Dominant. Another example is the submissive who may be required to get permission from her Dominant to have an orgasm – any orgasm – even though the power to bring herself to orgasm has always been there, and always will be. In these two examples, the power is retained even as the authority is given.

  Let’s take a look at the kinds of power and authority a Dominant in a long-term committed D/s relationship might give to his submissive. Any power that is derived from consent, such as the power to choose or reject a Dominant or to leave a dysfunctional D/s relationship, isn’t something that is granted to the submissive by the Dominant. Those powers are considered by many to be god-given, cultural, and legal in nature, and universal to everyone. So, if the power to say no to a Dominant shouldn’t be considered part of this so-called power exchange, then what should?

  I believe the answer lies in asking the question in a different way. Every Dominant should make it a point to ask his submissive some variation of the following: “Have I empowered you? If so, how?” The responses you get just might surprise you. Here are just a few of the real responses that I have received when I have posed that question to a submissive:

  · You empowered me by forcing me to be independent at times, even when I wanted nothing more than for you to handle certain things for me. By directing me to carry out tasks that I would normally have avoided, you taught me that I am smarter, stronger and far more resourceful than I ever thought possible.

  · You empowered me with the power to let go. Before, I would worry myself sick over certain things, but now, I know that if I’ve put a problem into your hands, I can just let go of it, and trust that you will do what is right.

  · You empowered me with self-confidence and the sure knowledge that I am loved and cherished. Knowing that you treasure my submission gives me strength and a real sense of worth.

  · You empowered me by trusting me with your flaws, weaknesses, and secrets. I know you don’t share these things with just anyone, and the fact that you share them with me makes me feel very special. This knowledge could hurt you, even destroy you, and yet you trust me with it.

  · You empowered me with the authority to act and speak for you in certain situations. When I am weak or indecisive, I am able to draw on your judgment and guidance and say, “My Master would not be pleased if I were to do what you’ve asked of me.”

  · You empowered me with the ability to learn and grow, and to reach my full potential – whether it is in my education, career, personal goals, or as a submissive. You make me want to be a better person, not just a better submissive, because I want you to be proud of me.

  · You empowered me to be a synergist and gave me the ability to be a catalyst in your life. You gave me a chance to work side-by-side with you to inspire you, motivate you, nudge you, or challenge your assumptions.

  · You empowered me by showing me those little things that make a difference in your life and bring you joy. Others may think they know you, but they don’t know you like I do.

  It would be difficult for anyone to hear or read these responses and not know for a fact that the phenomenon of power exchange is a very real one. There is no question that both a Dominant and his submissive can be empowered by their relationship dynamic. The degree to which that empowerment is fulfilling, significant, meaningful, or symmetrical is entirely up to you.

  Types of Submissives

  If you are in the BDSM lifestyle or involved in a D/s relationship, you may know some of the following categories of submissives by different names. You may even know of additional categories or traits that are not fully represented here, and that’s okay. No book on this subject is going to be able to capture every aspect of the lifestyle or its many subcultures. Even so, I’m sure you’ll recognize many of the character traits and behaviors we’re about to explore, and perhaps even learn a little about yourself and others you may know.

  As we go through these categories, you may find yourself wondering why there is no category designated for the “sex slave.” The reason is simply that, in my humble opinion, there is no such category of submissive. A submissive in any of the following categories could accurately be referred to as a sex slave, particularly by those with a limited understanding of the D/s or BDSM lifestyles. I believe that sex is something that a person does; it is not a very good description of who someone is. Frankly, anyone can have sex or role-play the part of a sex slave. That doesn’t really tell us anything useful about who they are, how they love, or how we can love them.

  The Acolyte

  The Acolyte is a submissive who is usually in a D/s relationship with a Lesser God Dom. There is a very real distinction between being in a relationship with the Lesser God Dom, versus being attracted to a Lesser God Dom. The reason for this distinction is actually quite simple. The Acolyte is a member of an intense D/s personality cult. She rarely enters into any relationship with a Dominant as an Acolyte; she is invariably converted to it.

  The Acolyte may be referred to as a disciple, follower, worshipper or priestess, and considers herself not only her Dominant’s number one fan, but also as a holder of sacred knowledge, a gatekeeper with the keys to her Dominant’s inner sanctum, and a part of a relationship that will endure through eternity, transcending even death. The reason for that belief is rooted in the quasi-religious foundations of this sort of D/s relationship. The Lesser God and his Acolytes are part of their own private religion, where sin and redemption are redefined and the Dominant sits at the center
of his worshippers’ universe as a god or prophet. They don’t expect or need the rest of us to understand, as long as it continues to work for them.

  Of all the submissive types, the Acolyte usually is in the greatest danger of potential abuse, even more so than the Novice (see below). A Lesser God Dom considers himself unbound by any rules other than those me makes for himself, and the Acolyte typically exists in a detached, isolated and sometimes amoral reality in the presence of her own personal god. When things are going well in this kind of relationship, they tend to go very well. But when things begin to go badly – and they often do - it can be a disaster of biblical proportions. Within their quasi-religious paradigm, death is often viewed as a mere illusion or as a graduation from one level of awareness to the next. This can become problematic when the Lesser God Dom is revealed to his Acolytes to be a mere mortal, or when the group feels threatened by outsiders.

  The relationship between the Acolyte and her Dominant always reminds me of the movie Ghostbusters. In that movie, an immense and horrifying demon peers at the diminutive Dr. Ray Stantz (brilliantly played by Bill Murray) and asks in a booming voice, “Are you a God?” Dr. Stantz tentatively replies, “No.” His response triggers an incredible, demonic display of lightning, destruction, and chaos from the demon. In the midst of it all, fellow ghostbuster Winston Zeddemore grabs Stantz by the collar and screams, “Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!”