Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Dominant-leaning D/s Switch

  The Dominant-leaning D/s Switch finds joy and fulfillment in both the Dominant and submissive roles in a relationship dynamic, with a preference to the Dominant role. Example: Kylie has been a submissive all her life and has been collared to Master James, for three years. Recently, James and Kylie have taken in two other subs who have moved into their home. The new girls were fairly new to the lifestyle, and since James’ work often took him out of town for days at a time, he assigned the task of mentoring the girls to Kylie. She was apprehensive about the task at first, but quickly grew to love it. Kylie was surprised to learn that she was naturally submissive to males, but around other females, a dominant side of her personality emerged. Over time, this dynamic became the most treasured part of her poly relationship.

  Submissive-leaning D/s Switch

  The submissive-leaning D/s Switch finds joy and fulfillment in both the Dominant and submissive roles in a relationship dynamic, with a preference to the submissive role. Example: Jacquelyn is a Switch who is in a committed relationship with Kenneth, who is also a Switch. Their relationship is often complicated, and can even get pretty rocky at times, particularly when the two of them are out of synch, and each vying for dominance in the relationship. Luckily, Kenneth is a Top-leaning D/s Switch, and Jacquelyn is a Bottom-leaning D/s Switch, so when things come to a draw between the two of them, Kenneth usually holds the trump card.

  Balanced D/s Switch

  The Balanced D/s Switch is one for whom both the Dominant role and the submissive role in a relationship hold equal appeal. This is relatively rare, as the overwhelming majority of D/s Switches do have a preference when it comes to their relationship dynamics. Example: Chuck is a polyfidelous D/s Switch who has two wives, named Julie and Ginger, who live in separate households. Julie is his submissive, and their relationship dynamic never changes. Ginger is his Domme, and their relationship dynamic also never changes. Chuck claims to love both women equally, and expresses no preference for either his dominant or submissive role in the relationships. Interestingly enough, Chuck and his partners keep it relatively vanilla in the bedroom, and none of them are active in or seek out others in the lifestyle.

  Top-leaning BDSM Switch

  The Top-leaning BDSM Switch enjoys both topping and bottoming but prefers topping, regardless of his other emotional and relationship dynamic preferences. Example: Kirk is a Dominant in his primary relationship, and that never changes. However, when he and his submissive Kim attend BDSM play parties, he has been known to enjoy bottoming to some extent. His preference, however, is and always will be topping.

  Bottom-leaning BDSM Switch

  The Bottom-leaning BDSM Switch enjoys both topping and bottoming but prefers bottoming, regardless of his other emotional and relationship dynamic preferences. Example: William considers himself a monogamous slave to his poly Mistress Victoria, who also has other slaves. Occasionally, his Mistress hosts play parties for the entire clan, and even though William has no significant emotional connection with her other slaves, he does sometimes engage in BDSM play with them, and often switches with a preference for bottoming.

  Balanced BDSM Switch

  The Balanced BDSM Switch is equally attracted to and finds fulfillment in the role of a Top or a Bottom in his kink activities. Example: Sierra is a submissive in her primary relationship with her Dominant Joseph, and that never changes. However, at BDSM play parties, Sierra equally enjoys giving and getting spankings, paddlings, floggings and other forms of impact-play.

  D/s-BDSM Switch

  The D/s-BDSM Switch is able to change his dominance-orientation in both his relationship dynamic and his kink activities, though the switching may not be synchronized by timing, direction or intensity. Example: Bob is a D/s BDSM Switch who is the hinge in a poly “V” relationship, where he is Dominant to Sue, but submissive to Diane. His kink activities with each of his partners stays aligned with his relationship role, but when he attends his local BDSM group play parties, he is equally likely to assume the role of a Top or a Bottom.

  I am fairly certain that, as a result of what I have written here, I will be deluged with countless letters, messages and emails asking me to divulge the “authoritative source” that has served as the wellspring for this unique method of categorizing Switches. To those folks, I can only point to the nearest bottle of tequila. As far as I know, I am the only one crazy enough to have made such an attempt and, frankly, I’m beginning to think that maybe there was a darn good reason why people way smarter than me didn’t try it.

  If You Are a Switch

  If you are a Switch, or if you are beginning to suspect that you might be one, my advice to you would be to embrace who you are, and refuse to be pressured into having to decide between the two ends of the dominance-spectrum, especially if you are perfectly comfortable sliding back and forth along its length. On a completely unrelated side note, I probably shouldn’t get too comfortable saying “sliding back and forth along its length.”

  For most people, their dominance orientation is no more a choice than their sexual orientation. It is simply a matter of who they are. It develops and sometimes changes as they mature, just like every other aspect of their personality. It is hardly the set-in-concrete, black-and-white proposition that some people seem to think it is.

  Virtually no one would feel justified in demanding that a bisexual pick a heterosexual or homosexual preference and just stick to it, yet there has never been a shortage of people who think it’s perfectly acceptable to make similar demands of Switches.

  If you happen to be one of those people, perhaps now would be a good time to rethink your approach.

  My Two Cents on Switches

  I’ve spent much of my life completely mystified by Switches, on a number of levels. When I was much younger, I was simply baffled by their seemingly natural ability to do what they do. For someone like me, hard-wired since birth as a Dominant and tempered by twenty years of military leadership training and experience, it was a completely foreign concept. It might have been easier to convince me that a person could just grow different sex organs at will, than to convince me that they could willy-nilly change their dominance-orientation.

  I’ve also gotten frustrated at times because some Switches seemed unable or unwilling to understand that not everyone can (or should) do what they do. Whenever I read or hear someone repeat the mantra that it is impossible to be a good Dominant unless you have first experienced what it is like to be a submissive, my head threatens to undergo what Douglas Adams likes to call a serious case of nonlinear, catastrophic structural exasperation. To me, that makes about as much sense as asserting that you can’t possibly understand what it is like to be heterosexual, unless you’ve spent some time as a homosexual, or vice versa.

  Want to know what makes a “good Dominant?” It is someone who finds joy and fulfillment in guiding, teaching, caring for and protecting the right person. Want to know what makes a “good submissive?” It is someone who finds joy and fulfillment in pleasing, service to, caring for and taking direction from the right person. A Switch finds joy and fulfillment in either, or both, depending on the circumstances. It really isn’t any more complicated than that. Things may not be quite so cut and dry when it comes to Tops and bottoms, however. If we’re talking about the physical and psychological effects of certain kinds of BDSM play, then I think it makes perfect sense that you should be familiar with both ends of the equipment. I certainly would never expect a bottom to allow me to use a TENS unit on her if I have never experienced for myself the sensations that it is capable of producing. To expect her to consent to such a thing would be arrogant and irresponsible on my part and that stupidity could only be surpassed by her acceptance of such a proposition.

  To close out this chapter, I’m going to tell you a little story that beautifully illustrates just how utterly confounded I have sometimes been, when it comes to Switches.

  I have a very good friend named Annie, whom I’v
e known for many years. She’s always been an extremely knowledgeable and competent Domme who always impressed me with her wisdom, compassion, and ability to guide and teach submissives of both genders. We would sometimes get together for a few cold beers and share funny stories about the trials and tribulations of being Dominants in an insanely vanilla world.

  On one of these occasions, after about four rounds of drinks, Annie asked me, “Why haven’t you ever considered taking me on as one of your submissives?” I practically spit out my beer and, for a moment, was completely and utterly dumbfounded. Anyone who knows me knows that when I am at a loss for words, I’m seriously flummoxed. I finally stammered, “Geez, Annie! I never considered it because you’re a Dominant! Are you serious? This is a joke, right?”

  She frowned and said, “I’m a Switch. I thought you knew that.”

  “Be a good animal, true to your animal instincts.”

  - - D.H. Lawrence

  “Who speaks to the instincts speaks to the deepest in mankind, and finds the readiest response.”

  - - Amos Bronson Alcott

  Chapter 4: The Primal

  What is a Primal?

  The textbook definition (if only there were textbooks on such matters) of Primal, as it pertains to the D/s lifestyle, might describe it as: 1. a person who trusts and acts upon his or her animal instincts; 2. a role that is neither consistently dominant nor submissive but can be either depending upon the environment, situation and personal dynamic at work; 3. a type of BDSM play that focuses on the animalistic aspects of relationships and sexuality.

  Primals are a relatively new phenomenon in the BDSM culture; one that is still regarded with a great deal of curiosity by those who have long been content to categorize everyone in the D/s lifestyle as a Dominant, submissive, or switch. There was just one little problem with that classification method, however. It left an awful lot of people standing on the sidelines, wondering why they didn’t seem to fit neatly into any of those three categories. Primalism is often associated with animal play, pet play or furries, and while it may share key characteristics with them, it stands apart from them due to its focus on instincts, perception, disdain for social conventions, and an agonizingly unpredictable D/s dynamic. This all may seem a bit confusing to you until you actually get to know someone who is a Primal, or suddenly come to the realization that you happen to be one, yourself. With that in mind, the best place to start may be by asking yourself the following questions: Am I a Primal? If I was, how would I know?

  I’ve come up with just the thing to help you learn the answers to those questions. It’s an amusing little quiz, which I’ve narcissistically entitled “Michael Makai’s PRIMAAL Analysis.” The PRIMAAL acronym stands for Preliminary Research on Instinctive Mannerisms & Assessment of Animalistic Loving. I created the PRIMAAL Analysis for three reasons. First, I believe it may be able to help a lot of people who may be Primals, and have been struggling to find their niche in the D/s culture. Second, I think it does a pretty good job of illustrating many of the common mannerisms and characteristics of Primals to those who may be unclear on the concept. And third, creating it was a lot of fun. If you can’t have a little fun while writing a book, then what’s the point?

  So, at the risk of again sounding like a worn-out Jeff Foxworthy comedy routine, we’re going to explore some of the tell-tale signs which may indicate that you just might be a Primal. To take the quiz, simply use a pencil (so you can erase the marks later) to darken the circle next to each statement with which you find yourself in complete agreement. If the statement doesn’t seem to apply to you, or you are not sure what it means, don’t worry too much about it. Just move on to the next statement.

  When you’re done, tally up the number of marks to get your score, and compare it with the chart that follows the test.

  Michael Makai’s PRIMAAL Analysis

  Preliminary Research on Instinctive Mannerisms and Assessment of Animalistic Loving

  You could be a Primal...

  · If a battle for dominance is both erotic and enraging.

  · If you've ever actually growled or snarled at someone, and meant it.

  · If you've ever sniffed someone at your first meeting.

  o Award yourself an extra point if it was below the waist.

  · If you've ever bitten someone, and weren’t playing.

  o Award yourself an extra point for drawing blood.

  · If you enjoy petting your partner and being petted yourself.

  · If you believe that pouncing on someone is a perfectly acceptable greeting.

  · If you know what the phrase “heightened senses” means, because you experience it regularly.

  · If you’ve ever circled another person, evaluating them as prey.

  o Award yourself an extra point if they were.

  · If you get an incredible thrill from a chase.

  o Award yourself an extra point if it involves tackles and pins.

  · If establishing dominance is always unplanned, unscripted, and occurs with each new person.

  · If you can imagine biting and scratching as being better than sex.

  o Award yourself an extra point if it actually is.

  · If you’ve ever marked something or someone with your scent as a way of saying, “Mine!”

  · If the first thing you think of when you hear the word “pack" isn’t “suitcase.”

  o Award yourself an extra point if your pack takes priority over family.

  · If you rarely buy band-aids, because you prefer to just lick your wounds.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you lick other people’s wounds, too.

  · If your first response to a challenge is usually to pin, and go for the jugular.

  · If you can always tell when your woman is menstruating by her scent.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you can do this with all the women you know.

  · If you’ve ever bitten your itches, instead of scratching them.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you ever drew blood when you did so.

  · If you often prefer to use growls, yips, purrs, whines, and barking to actual words.

  o Award yourself an extra point for using them in written format, as well.

  · If you’ve ever heard a coyote howl, and responded with howling of your own.

  · If your fascination with the moon goes way beyond thinking it’s pretty or romantic.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you actually grow fur or fangs during a full moon.

  · If you’ve ever referred to your children as cubs, or pups.

  · If you’ve ever watched a werewolf movie, and rooted for the werewolf.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you cried when the werewolf got whacked.

  · If you’ve ever silenced a barking or growling dog with just a look.

  · If you’ve ever been known to follow a scent to its source, like a bloodhound.

  · If you’re sometimes obsessed with the thought of chucking it all to go live in the woods.

  · If you recognize people as much by their scent, as you do by their appearance.

  · If your sex partner has ever had to dream up excuses for work to explain bite and scratch marks.

  · If animals, both wild and domestic, seem to take an instant and inexplicable liking to you.

  · If “puppy pile” is a good description of your preferred sleeping arrangement.

  · If you’ve ever licked someone’s face when they were expecting a kiss from you.

  o Award yourself an extra point if they licked you back.

  · If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “the hairier the better” about anyone.

  · If you’ve come to realize you prefer sitting on the floor to sitting in chairs.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you’ve actually eaten food off the floor.

  · If you’ve ever noticed that while your friends were sipping their drinks, you were lapping yours.

  · If you actually like t
he scents that others usually find awful, such as manure or body odor.

  · If you’ve actually found yourself circling a few times before sitting yourself down.

  · If you’re still climbing trees past the age of twelve.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you have ever actually slept or had sex in a tree.

  · If you’d rather spend more time with your friends’ pets than with some of your friends.

  o Award yourself an extra point if you actually do spend more time with their pets.

  · If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Why chase something that doesn’t bleed?”

  · If you’ve ever been asked whether you’re a Dom or a sub, and thought, “How should I know? I haven’t fought you yet.”

  Add up you score: _____.

  Compare your score to the chart below.

  Total Possible Points: 55 Points