Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

by Michael Makai

  Bottoms are equally as susceptible to role drift, and for essentially the same reasons, with one notable exception. Subs and bottoms both depend on their Dominants and Tops to act like Dominants. That means they are expected to make important decision, handle problems, and generally provide for the wants and needs of their subs. When they fail to fulfill these obligations, it isn’t as if those needs just go away. Obviously, someone has to do it, and that usually means the submissive must take up the slack. Over the course of many months, or perhaps even years, the submissive’s cherished role is whittled away bit by bit until one day, she suddenly wakes up to the realization that she somehow ended up in a place where she never wanted to be. She’s in charge.

  A folk tale that is often used to illustrate this principle of gradual, almost imperceptible change over time involves what happens when you toss a live frog into a pot of boiling water. According to the earthy folks who love to tell this tale, your frog will immediately leap right back out of the pot. Apparently, this is a bad thing, because (this is the part that strains credulity) I am supposedly really hungry for a boiled frog

  When I was first told this story, I was more than just a little skeptical. But then again, my only real experience at tossing live critters into boiling water involved lobsters, and they’re not exactly known for being big leapers. They do, however, make a creepy sound; but I digress. There’s apparently more to this how-to-boil-a-frog story, and we’re just getting to the good part: If you were to put your frog, instead, into a pot of cool water and raise the temperature incrementally, he will simply sit there like a dope and tolerate the increasingly hot water until he is fully cooked, through and through. This is great little story, for everyone but the frog. The moral of it, obviously, is don’t be that frog. Or, perhaps, don’t marry that frog. Or, just don’t eat frog.

  Role abandonment occurs when a partner in a relationship suddenly just discards his or her previous role. It happens in many different ways, and for a variety of reasons, but it is almost always a surprise to almost everyone concerned. The most common scenarios leading to role abandonment include such things as the termination of a relationship, unforeseen difficulties in assuming the role, catastrophic failure in fulfilling his responsibilities, or the sudden realization that while he is role playing, his partner is not.

  It is, in a nutshell, the so-called-adult version of “I don’t want to play anymore... I quit.”

  Giselle was a petite, ambitious twenty-six-year-old lifestyle submissive when she met Carl. Carl was a few years older, ruggedly handsome, and relatively successful in his chosen career as a real estate agent. There was just one little problem with Carl. He was as vanilla as they come, and Giselle had vowed after her recent divorce that she would never again be involved in another vanilla relationship. And so, over the course of the next few months, Giselle introduced her new beau to the D/s and BDSM lifestyles. To his credit, Carl was a good pupil who found everything about this new culture fascinating and, as a result, he caught on quickly. Giselle reveled in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to “create the perfect Dom” by mentoring and teaching him how to be decisive, yet collaborative. He would be strong, yet compassionate. He would be aggressive and confident, yet gentle and humble. And when it came to BDSM skills and knowledge? Carl was going to be legendary.

  Giselle’s mentorship of Carl continued apace with the growing intensity of their relationship and five months later, to absolutely no one’s surprise, they were married in a simple traditional wedding for the benefit of their families. Later that evening, a private collaring ceremony was conducted for the couple and their friends in the lifestyle. Giselle was living her dream, and couldn’t have been happier.

  Carl, on the other hand, was secretly beginning to feel a little overwhelmed. He certainly appreciated the faith that Giselle had placed in him, he enjoyed the kinky BDSM play, and he loved his new friends in the lifestyle. But he never expected this stuff to take over his life. Everything now seemed to revolve around their kinky activities, their kinky toys, or their kinky friends. Even the collaring ceremony, in his view, had been way over the top, but he had gone along with it because he wanted to make Giselle happy. She was always seeking new skills, new thrills, and new play partners for increasingly challenging scenes and it was becoming increasingly difficult for Carl to deal with it all.

  Then, the economy took a turn for the worse. The real estate market tanked, and Carl was laid off. Giselle began having health problems that seemingly defied treatment and mystified her doctors. Their savings were gone, their retirement accounts devastated, medical bills were mounting, and there were no jobs to be had. Throughout it all, Giselle continued to have faith in Carl, telling him daily, “I know you’ll be able to turn things around.”

  One sunny Saturday morning, Carl woke up to the sure knowledge that he just didn’t want to be a Dom any more. He told Giselle, “I’m sorry, but it’s just too hard. I want to go back to being just a regular guy, with regular problems. You know, like before we started doing all this BDSM stuff. I feel like I’m being expected to manage your life, when I can’t even handle my own. It’s just too much. I’m done.”

  A year later, Carl and Giselle were divorced. Today, Giselle is still active in the lifestyle, and is still seeking her perfect Dominant. Carl has put the D/s lifestyle behind him, and prefers now to immerse himself deeply in the cosplay and furry cultures. The two of them have managed to remain dear but distant friends.

  Role reversal is characterized by a polar shift from Dominant to submissive, or vice versa. It occurs for many of the same reasons as role shift and role abandonment, but the starkly contrasting consequences of such a complete reversal of roles can be jarring or even traumatic to the other partner in a D/s relationship. The depth of the emotional impact that this kind of sudden metamorphosis can have on one’s partners may be difficult to comprehend for anyone who is not, himself, defined primarily by D/s roles and traits. In some ways, it could be compared to how a typical person might react if he came home from work one day to discover that his spouse had undergone a sex-change operation, or had switched her sexual orientation. Yes, it’s that big of a deal.

  Like any other lifestyle, the D/s lifestyle is defined by what we think is important. Unsurprisingly, we believe that Domination and submission are central to our way of life, our way of relating to one another, and our sense of purpose and self-worth. Assuming either character trait as a part of one’s role play activity may be a perfectly legitimate and entertaining thing for many people to do, but it makes a terrible foundation upon which to build a lasting and meaningful D/s relationship.

  Religion

  Here we go again, talking about that thing no one likes to talk about - religion. In the previous chapter, we discussed how religion, for the most part, should not be an obstacle to a healthy D/s relationship or for most BDSM activities. In this section, we’re going to explore some of the ways it can be. In the vanilla world, religion typically becomes a stumbling block to relationships in one of two ways. The first occurs when one partner in a relationship is religious and the other is not. The other occurs when both partners are religious, but their religious views are incompatible. As unpleasant and complicated as those two scenarios can be, they can’t hold a candle to the absurdity and magnitude of the potential mess that can sometimes result from mixing kink and religion.

  You probably don’t need to be told that couples in D/s relationships are just as prone, if not more so, as anyone to the two scenarios we just mentioned. Having different religious beliefs can be hard on any relationship, but this is a problem that has been around for as long as religions and relationships have existed. Exercising a little tolerance and the ability to moderate your natural desire to share your beliefs can go a long way to reducing any potential for religious friction in this regard. It starts to get just a little more complicated, however, when the major point of contention between these two religious viewpoints becomes D/s or BDSM itself. Fortunately, th
is isn’t terribly common, but it does happen.

  A devout Buddhist, for example, may be profoundly uncomfortable with the thought of even simulating an activity that, in reality, would be considered to be harmful to others or might cause them pain. Examples might include spanking, paddling, bondage, torture, and a host of other traditional BDSM activities. The Buddhist practice of avoiding performances could make BDSM scenes, even as a spectator, taboo. If the Buddhist distaste for being elevated above others applies even to chairs and beds, it’s a pretty safe bet that aspiring to become a Dominatrix would probably be frowned upon. Many people are perfectly willing to ignore or overlook what their religion thinks of their BDSM activities, but it certainly becomes a lot harder to do that when it’s your relationship partner who is doing all the frowning.

  If the only potential religious problems for D/s couples simply involved religious differences that could arise within the relationship, life would be pretty simple. Unfortunately, life in a D/s relationship is never quite so simple. Let’s consider, for example, what happens in a hypothetically scenario where a D/s relationship develops into a personality cult with a Lesser God Dominant at the helm and an assortment of acolyte submissives worshipping at his feet. In essence, a private, insular religion has been formed, with its own unique beliefs, doctrines, and practices. You or I might view this scenario with some bemusement or even fascination but, even so, our first instinct as members of this lifestyle is typically to tolerate and respect the informed consensual choices of others. But what if you were not a member of the D/s lifestyle? What if you were, instead, an influential member of the community who was profoundly vanilla and devoutly religious, and your eighteen-year-old daughter just became one of those acolytes? It’s hard to see a hypothetical scenario like this one developing into anything other than a train wreck for everyone concerned.

  The point of this story is to illustrate the fact that, once you adopt an alternative lifestyle or become part of a non-traditional relationship, you run the very real risk of having religion used as a club against you by people outside the relationship who may, for whatever reason, believe they have a stake in the outcome. Those people are typically going to be family members, or concerned friends and associates. But there may even be times when your neighbors, your church, the community at large, or even the heavy-hand of government is arrayed against you. Consider the April 2008 raid of an FLDS polygamist compound in Eldorado, Texas, where state troopers and Child Protective Services agents swooped in with armored vehicles and placed over 400 children in “protective custody” on the basis of a prank telephone call.

  Think something like that couldn’t ever happen to you? Think again.

  Legal Issues

  It’s easy to have faith in the courts and in our judicial system, until you actually find yourself suddenly at its mercy. When you consider the fifty U.S. states, five major U.S. territories, the District of Columbia, and the Uniform Code of Military Justice, there are close to sixty different sets of laws governing what is or isn’t legal to do in the privacy of your own bedroom. As if that weren’t bad enough, each legal jurisdiction gets to arbitrarily decide which laws they want to enforce and/or prosecute in the courts. That discretionary latitude is not reserved solely for the states themselves; it is often exercised by cities, counties and townships. As late as 2012, twenty-three U.S. states still had laws against adultery on the books, but when was the last time you heard of someone being arrested for that particular crime? In Massachusetts, Idaho, Michigan, Oklahoma and Wisconsin, adultery is a felony. In the other eighteen states that consider it a crime, it is a misdemeanor.

  Did you know that, as of 2013, mere cohabitation with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is still illegal in three U.S. states? Those states would be Mississippi, Florida and Michigan, by the way. This is despite the fact that, according to the Census Bureau’s 2009 American Community Survey, 58% of all women aged 19-44 have, at some point, lived with a man who was not their legal spouse. In fact, these arcane laws are still on the books despite the landmark ruling in Lawrence vs. Texas (2003), in which the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that laws against cohabitation were unconstitutional. And yet, there they are.

  You probably think you know what the word sodomy means, and if so, you’re probably wrong. U.S. courts have historically interpreted sodomy to mean “any sexual act deemed to be unnatural or immoral.” Traditionally, the courts have defined that further to mean oral sex, anal sex and bestiality; but the implications of the broader definition for someone in the fetish lifestyle are seriously scary. What it means is if the authorities don’t like what you’re doing, and even if there aren’t any specific laws against it, they can always charge you with sodomy. Consent is not an acceptable defense.

  In fact, the entire notion of lawful consent is riddled with so many traps, pitfalls and legal loopholes, the mere thought of attempting to build a trial defense based upon it should be enough to strike fear into the heart of any competent trial attorney. We like to think that whatever happens between two consenting adults should be no one’s business but their own, but that’s not necessarily how the law sees things.

  Let’s take, for example, the crime generally known to most people as battery. The basic definition of battery is: the unlawful application of force upon the person of another which results in bodily injury or offensive touching. The first thing we should take note of here is the glaring lack of any mention of the word “consent.” In most states, the law is pretty clear on this. Battery is battery, regardless of whether or not the alleged victim consented to or enjoyed the activity.

  Obviously, if the victim is the only available witness to the alleged battery, and isn’t inclined to cooperate with the prosecutor’s case, then there really isn’t much of a case for the prosecutor to work with. But there have been plenty of cases prosecuted in the courts where an alleged victim has declined to cooperate with the state, yet the case was prosecuted based solely on the testimony of police officers, other witnesses, or medical personnel. Many people erroneously believe that if an alleged victim “refuses to press charges” against his or her “attacker,” then that person cannot be charged with battery. It’s a myth.

  While the notion of legal consent may be considered irrelevant to the crime of battery, it can be a critical factor to prove other crimes, and in some types of cases, it is essentially the only relevant factor. Without consent, sex becomes rape, heavy petting becomes sexual battery, bondage becomes unlawful imprisonment or kidnapping, impact-play becomes aggravated battery or assault with a deadly weapon, and even pillow talk turns into sexual harassment.

  You may be thinking, “Not a problem. I always get my partner’s consent before engaging in any sexual or BDSM activity.” If that is so, then that is a truly commendable strategy indeed. There’s just one little problem with it. Could you prove it in a court of law? Could you do it ten years, or even twenty years from now? Some states have recently acted to extend or eliminate entirely the statute of limitations for the crimes of rape and sodomy. In those states, you could theoretically be charged with one of those crimes at any time while you are still alive. The odds of such a thing happening are, of course, infinitesimally small, but it is a sobering thing to contemplate.

  Family Issues

  Among the many other things that could possibly go wrong with a D/s relationship, we shouldn’t neglect the very real possibility that your families may not be entirely thrilled with your involvement in this lifestyle. Much of this negativity will be rooted in misconceptions and false stereotypes, but that doesn’t make the effects any less stressful, and the potential consequences can run the gamut from comical to catastrophic.

  I always enjoy telling the story of what happened a few days after I presented Jade, my former submissive, with her beautiful new collar. She was still riding high on a wave of euphoria when she called me to tell me those three little words which can have such a profound impact on the psyche of just about any Dominant: “I
told Mom.”

  I’m rarely rendered speechless, but this was one of those times. I stammered, “You. Told. Your. Mom. What, exactly, did you tell her?”

  She nonchalantly replied, as if she were discussing her last load of laundry, “I told her I was collared; that I now have a Master, and that my heart, body and soul belong to You. And I told her that I was deliriously happy about it.”

  “I see...” said I, struggling manfully to stay calm, “and how, pray tell, did she react to this news?”

  A long pause followed, no doubt fueled by an internal struggle over how to best phrase her response. She finally decided on, “Not so good.”

  “Not so good?” I asked. “Please define not so good.”

  “Well...” she replied, “She wants your full name and address, and she said she’ll use the police or private investigators, if necessary, to track you down and rescue me from whatever crazy kind of cult you’ve gotten me into. So, yeah... Not so good.”

  I like to think I took the news calmly, with a stoic resolve to weather whatever storm would be coming our way. Jade, however, remembers it in a slightly different way. Today, she describes it thusly: “You totally freaked out.” Whatever. Eventually, her mother (and I) calmed down, and life returned to abnormal. But this amusing little anecdote is illustrative of how family can sometimes become a critical factor in your D/s relationship in unpredictable or unexpected ways.

  Take for example, what typically happens whenever you tell someone outside the lifestyle that you are in a committed D/s or BDSM relationship. Almost without fail, the very first question they will ask is: “Do either of you have children?” The unspoken assumption, of course, is a suspicion or belief that you may be putting your children at risk, or raising them in an amoral or immoral environment. Those misconceptions can be relatively easy for you to discount or ignore until those busybodies act on them. The fact that they can do so anonymously in most cases just makes it all the more dangerous. It is unfortunate that our legal system grants almost unlimited powers to agents of state child protective services when they have any reason to suspect that children are being endangered, even when those reasons may be entirely bogus.