My greatest concern, while writing this book, has been that by describing some of the pitfalls to be avoided, that I might inadvertently convince you to avoid the lifestyle entirely. I have worried that I spent too much time describing the BDSM culture and not enough time explaining how to be a part of it, or even why you might want to. I have been vexed by the thought that I may have spent too much time describing different kinds of D/s relationships, and not enough time telling you how to have a good one. I really do wish I could let you peek into my heart and see the wonderful relationships and the lifetime of joy that this lifestyle has provided me.
This lifestyle ought to be fun and fulfilling. If it is neither of those things for you, then perhaps you’re doing it wrong. I wish there was a one-size-fits-all recommendation that I could give you that would ensure that your future D/s relationships and BDSM lifestyle will always and forever be fun and fulfilling. The key to finding that kind of happiness is going to be different for each individual, but it will always come from the same place. It will come from somewhere deep within yourself. If you’re seeking it elsewhere, you’re looking in the wrong place.
I like to tell the tale of a man who was out one night for his usual evening stroll, when he happened upon a neighbor, crawling around on all fours in the street under a streetlight:
“Hi there, Ralph!” he greeted his neighbor, cheerily. “What are you doing?”
Ralph looked up from his studious examination of sticks, leaves, and other gutter debris and said, “Oh, hey there, Bob. I’m looking for my cellphone. I think it may have fallen out of my pocket when I got out of the car.”
Bob furrowed his brow and asked, “What makes you think it would be here? Is this where you parked your car earlier?”
Ralph shook his head, and pointed to a spot about a hundred yards further down the street. “No. Actually, I’m parked over there, under that tree.”
Bob peered down the street to where the car was parked in the dark shadow of a large elm tree. He turned back to his friend and, just a little confused, asked, “So, why are you looking for your phone over here, Ralph?”
Ralph looked up from his gutter-rummaging, pointed to the streetlamp above, and replied, “Well, duh! The light’s better over here!”
How many of us have expended precious time, resources, energy, and emotion seeking happiness in all the wrong places, in all the wrong ways? How often have we chosen the easy wrong path over the hard right one? Are we hoping that our partners will fix us, rather than working to heal our own injuries and scars? Are we trying too hard to know and love someone else, before really knowing and being capable of loving ourselves?
Only you know the answers to these questions. Are you willing to be honest with yourself?
Frankly, if anyone could help us to find those keys to happiness within ourselves, it would be the people in this lifestyle. They are quite simply the best. I have always loved the fact that kinksters are typically very open to exploration, and not just exploration of the lifestyle, but of themselves. They are generally far more willing than the average vanilla person to push the boundaries of what they know, what they think, how they feel, and even what they like.
As a general rule of thumb, there’s also far less self-censorship in the fetish lifestyle. Kinksters tend to say what they mean, mean what they say, and care not about what others might think about that. This, of course, can be a double-edged sword. The good news is, for the most part, what you see is what you get. The bad news is you’re not going to like a lot of what you see. But at least you’ll be making informed choices and know that compared to all of that, you’re not as much of a pervert as you might have thought!
This is a culture that is incredibly diverse and places a very high value on tolerance. Just because my kink is not your kink doesn’t necessarily make me right and you wrong. You may view another person’s fetish with disdain or even revulsion, but you should never forget that the world is full of people who might look upon your kinks with equal repugnance. It is this community’s respect and reverence for diversity and rejection of judgmental posturing that makes it very special. That does not, however, mean that we should tolerate absolutely anything.
I won’t pretend to be able to tell you how you should set your own moral compass. Just know that when you come into this lifestyle, you shouldn’t leave your ethics at the door.
D/s relationships can be among the happiest and most intense, loving, passionate, and fulfilling kinds of relationships you may ever experience. A very small percentage of people will be lucky enough to find the right D/s partner at the right time under the right circumstances, and literally live happily ever after. Another small slice of those in the lifestyle may get just a brief taste of what could have been, and spend a lifetime hoping once again to recreate that magical spark. Still others may never get a chance at all to experience the thrill of hearing or saying, “I am yours,” and knowing it is not just a figure of speech.
The rest of us - the great majority of us - will do what we have always done, in or outside of the lifestyle.
We will find those special people who make us smile so much that our cheeks hurt, who spark our imaginations, who make us unafraid to show our secret selves, who want the very best for us and prove it every single day, the ones who make us ache for them, day and night. When we find those people, we hold them close and live, love, lust, and laugh with them for as long as we possibly can.
Rinse. Repeat.
You can find joy and fulfillment in a loving, healthy D/s relationship.
There are no guarantees, no sure things, and no secret formulas for success. It could last a day, or it could last a lifetime. Regardless of how long it lasts, if you keep your focus on bringing joy to your partner, and savoring the personal fulfillment that springs from that, you’ll be on the right path.
My Two Cents on Happiness
Guess what? We’re at the end of the book. I don’t know about you, but that makes me a little sad. When a trusted colleague tentatively suggested that I include some personal experiences, anecdotes, and observations in this book, I wasn’t particularly thrilled by the notion. Yet in the course of the writing, I’ve come to see not only the profound wisdom of her advice, but I have warmed to it immensely and now think of them as a series of intimate letters to a treasured friend who knows all of my flaws, and likes me anyway.
Now, with this - my final Two Cents - it comes to an end, and I will miss our little talks. I will miss you.
My consolation prize is the knowledge that I may have helped someone. That makes me happy. At the beginning of the book, I described myself as a White Knight Dominant. In short, I live to slay dragons, rescue those who are in distress, and solve problems. You, of course, will be the ultimate judge of whether I have been of service to you in any way. If so, please do me a favor and let me know. It would seriously make my day.
I’m usually a pretty happy guy. I once had a psychologist tell me that I was like a bi-polar person who didn’t have a down-side. The old label for people like me used to be “manic” but that term went out of style when “manic-depressive” did. Now, the politically correct, technical term for people like me is “too-damn-happy” or, sometimes, “consistently, nauseatingly cheerful.” I do realize that I drive most of my friends bonkers, but I yam what I yam.
When I’m not happy, I seek out the people, places, and things that bring me joy. For me, that usually means visiting a cherished friend, treating myself to a root beer float, working on my koi pond, or digging my toes into the sand at the beach and watching the sun dip into the sea. In general, I have found that I am happiest when I am engaged in a meaningful project, faced with an interesting challenge, or performing service for someone in need.
I highly recommend performing service. Seek out someone who may be experiencing some misfortune, someone with critical needs, and do something nice for them. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Pay them a compliment. Drop off a hot meal. Mow their lawn. Sing them a so
ng.
Trust me. You’ll feel like a million bucks.
My point is simply this: You are responsible for your own happiness. If you’re sitting around waiting for something or someone else to make you happy, it could turn out to be a very long wait. Frankly, most people are so wrapped up in their own emotions that your happiness isn’t even on their radar.
You want to know the real secret to achieving true and lasting happiness? Here it is: Get off your ass, and do something.
May your days be happy ones.
Mike Makai
“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.”
- - Lewis Carroll
Appendix A: Glossary
This glossary is provided for quick reference to certain words, terms or phrases one might encounter in the D/s or BDSM lifestyles. It is not intended to be an all-inclusive laundry-list of every possible kink-related term or toy. In some instances, the terms play, role play, or fantasy may be interchangeable, however, generally speaking, play refers to an activity, role play refers to a scene or scenario, and fantasy refers to something that is primarily a mindset, even if that may lead to related activities and role play.
In instances where a word or phrase may have multiple meanings, particularly in differing contexts, this glossary will always favor the BDSM context and usage. The mere inclusion here of any term describing a BDSM activity should not be considered an endorsement of it as something that you should try. Many of the activities described in this book can be incredibly dangerous, and should only be attempted after proper precautions are taken, and after being trained by a qualified person.
Just because something is listed here, doesn’t necessarily mean you should run out and try it. By the same token, if something that you think is important is not listed here, it is more likely an oversight than a commentary on its significance in the lifestyle.
# # #
AB/DL. Acronym for Adult Baby / Diaper Lover. Adult babies and diaper lovers enjoy activities that involve at least one of the partners in a scene or relationship assuming the role of a baby or toddler still in diapers. (See also: Age play, Bathroom use restrictions, Diaper play, Forced bed wetting, Littles, Role play, Urine play)
Abandonment Fantasy. This refers to a fantasy or role play involving leaving a person, typically a submissive being disciplined, in a remote or isolated area such as in the middle of the desert, or on an open and empty stretch of highway. Abandonment fantasies are most often used as a way to induce fear, particularly in individuals with abandonment anxiety, and are often used in role play scenarios involving coercion, humiliation or punishment. (See also: Abduction play, Interrogation play)
Abduction Play. (See: Abandonment fantasy, Interrogation play, Kidnapping fantasy, Role play)
Abrasion Play. Stimulating, over-stimulating, or causing the skin to become hyper-sensitized through the application of abrasive materials such as sandpaper, brushes, the edges of coins, or special instruments designed specifically for this activity. Often, this stimulation of the skin also involves certain salves, ointments or chemicals which add to or enhance the sensations, either during or after the abrasion activity. The most commonly used enhancer is mentholated oil, such as the kind found in muscle rubs and ointments. (See also: Sensation play)
Acupuncture. (See: Needle play)
Adelphogamy. Adelphogamy refers to a specific form of polyandry, which consists of a two or more brothers in a committed relationship (usually, but not limited to marriage) with the same woman. It is sometimes referred to as fraternal or leviratic polyandry. (See also: Polyamory, Polyandry)
Aftercare. Aftercare refers to special attention and consideration which should be given to all scene participants immediately following any BDSM scene, and should not be limited solely to bottoms. Even though it is primarily the responsibility of the Top to provide aftercare for his or her bottom, it is not uncommon for both Top and bottom to require some transition time after a scene to allow their focus, physiology, and mental states to return to a normal state. Immediately following a scene, participants may appear disoriented, flushed, exhausted, weak, confused, or inwardly focused. Even if there are no outward signs, they may require time to refocus their thoughts and emotions. The time required to recover will vary from individual to individual, which is why it is important to monitor their condition. It is usually a good idea to refrain from attempting to engage someone in conversation or activity until they show signs of recovering and begin initiating interaction themselves. (See also: Scene, Subspace, Topspace)
Age Play. Age play is BDSM role play activity or behavior that involves the interaction of at least two people, with at least one of them assuming the role of a person whose age differs significantly from his or her real age. While age play is most often used as a euphemism for Daddy Dom – babygirl role play, it can also refer to portrayals of any age, from newborn to the elderly. Age play can involve behaviors that are overtly sexual, mildly sexual, or completely asexual, and may or may not incorporate incest-related role play scenarios. Age play is not related to, nor considered pedophilia, since it does not involve an actual attraction to biologically underage children, but rather to the emotional state associated with playing the role, or interacting with a person exhibiting child-like behaviors. (See also: AB/DL, Daddy Dom, Diaper play, Littles, Role play)
Anal Play. Anal Play consists of activities involving the rimming or penetration of the anus with the fingers, fist, penis, vibrators, dildos, plugs, beads or other miscellaneous items. For many, stimulation of the anus with the tongue, fingers or sex toys can stimulate the nerves surrounding the anal sphincter and create a more intense orgasm than normal. For males, stimulation of the prostate gland, which can be reached by finger through the anus, can often hasten or intensify an orgasm. (See also: Pegging, Strap-on)
Ankle Cuffs. (See: Restraints)
Arm/Leg Sleeves. Arm and leg sleeves are typically items placed on the arms and legs of a person to immobilize or restrict the movement or use of those limbs as part of bondage play. They differ from wrist and ankle cuffs by being elongated tubes or sleeves which often are longer than the limbs themselves, in much the same way that strait-jacket sleeves are used to immobilize the arms of the wearer. (See also: Bondage, Cuffs, Restraints)
Asphyxiation. (See: Breath Play.)
Ass Worship. Ass worship is a form of body worship that focuses primarily on the buttocks. This erotic obsession usually involves a submissive kissing or licking a Dominant’s ass, and it is often combined with facesitting, smothering, spanking, humiliation or enemas. The person whose ass is the object of the submissive’s devotion typically remains aloof throughout. (See Body Worship, Facesitting, Queening, Queening stool, Smotherbox)
Auctions. In many BDSM lifestyle circles, auctions are held to raise funds for charity or to fund the group’s activities or facilities. Often called slave auctions, the events essentially ask volunteers to auction themselves, or at least their complete obedience for a set period of time, off to the highest bidder. Since the “purchased” slave is sometimes expected to engage in BDSM or sexual activity, the law typically takes a dim view of slave auctions, and considers them a thinly veiled form of prostitution. (See also: Role play, Slave)
Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Autoerotic asphyxiation refers to masturbation while cutting off your own oxygen through the use of nooses, straps, plastic bags or other devices. This is an extremely dangerous practice which was blamed for the death of film actor David Carradine in a hotel room in Thailand on June 4, 2009. The fact that it is an activity that is typically engaged in while alone makes it potentially even deadlier. (See also: Asphyxiation, Breath play, Edge play)
BDSM. Acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism. Some people attribute the D or DS portion of the acronym to Domination/submission, but this is the result of a fairly recent effort by activists to rewrite the definition of BDSM to be “more inclusive�
� of the D/s lifestyle. For the purposes of this book, BDSM refers primarily to kink and fetish activities, while D/s refers primarily to a relationship dynamic or mindset. While there is often a great deal of overlap, this does not make them the same thing. (See also: Bondage, D/s, Discipline, Masochism, Sadism)
Babygirl. (See: Little.)
Ball Busting. Ball busting is a form of cock and ball torture (CBT) that involves striking, kicking, kneeing or squeezing a person’s testicles to produce intense pain and humiliation. This practice can be extremely dangerous, as it can cause serious and permanent scrotal damage. (See: CBT, Torture)
Ball Crusher. (See: Ball Busting, CBT, Torture)
Ball Stretching. Ball stretching is a form of cock and ball torture (CBT) that involves applying devices or weights to a male’s scrotum that elongate or stretch the testicles. Ball stretching devices can be constructed of steel, leather, rope, string, or any other materials designed to be attached to the scrotum and pull them away from the body. Ball stretching can be extremely dangerous, as it can sometimes result in a blockage of blood flow to the testicles, or a testicular hernia. (See: Ball Busting, CBT, Parachute, Torture)
Barebacking. Barebacking refers to having unprotected sex, which can potentially result in pregnancy or the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). (See also: Fluid bonding)
Bathroom Use Restrictions. Bathroom use restrictions refer to the practice of a Dominant limiting, deferring or denying altogether the use of a toilet to his or her submissive. This is typically done to produce discomfort, pain, or humiliation – particularly if the denial of toilet privileges leads to the submissive soiling or wetting herself. (See also: Diaper play, Humiliation, Torture, Urine play)
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