Contradiction

by Paine, Salina

  "You have my number if you need me. Do not hesitate to call me, I'll be less than ten minutes away."

  He leaves and I lock the door, placing a chair under the knob. Turning on the TV I grab my phone and program his number onto speed dial. It's almost noon when he comes back and I'm still sitting there staring at the door when he knocks.

  "It's me, Jasmine." Getting up I move the chair so I can open the door. He holds up a bag of fast food, that smells so good.

  "Thought you might be hungry." He says smiling.

  "Yes, please come in." Moving out of the way so he can come in I glance out at the parking lot. We sit and eat the food while talking and laughing. It was really nice.

  For the next two weeks I'm in the hotel room, with Brandon or Austin with me always. I haven't gone back to work yet and I feel so guilty with Brandon spending all this money on me. Sneaking out for a bit, I find a newspaper and begin looking for an apartment.

  I'm on the phone talking to the owner of a place I've found when Brandon gets here. He looks at me funny and sits my lunch on the table. "I'm looking for an apartment." I whisper. He nods and sits across from me. I finish my call and hang up with a sigh. "I think I found one." I say as I shove several french fries in my mouth.

  "I was thinking, well, that maybe you'd like to come to my place for dinner?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

  "That sounds nice." I reply trying to control my enthusiasm.

  "One more thing." He says opening the curtains, "Come look."

  "What am I looking for?" I ask.

  "I got your car out of impound this morning." He says. It takes every ounce of control I have not to jump into his arms and kiss him. I just look at him, no words will come. "Ok, I guess this is you happy?" He asks, with an unsure look on his face. I nod and stare out of the window. We finish our lunch with few words and it's time for him to go. "Six o'clock, sharp." He says handing me a piece of paper with directions to his apartment. I smile and hug him tightly, breathing in his alluring smell.

  "I'll be there," I say already trying to figure out what I'm going to wear. He leaves me with my heart racing and more nervous than I have ever been.

  It's a few minutes until six and I find myself outside his apartment, hesitant to knock on the door. I stand there staring at the numbers on the door in a trance like state thinking of all the things that could happen. A giggle coming from the doorway across the hall breaks my concentration and I look behind me seeing a couple clearly in love.

  The sweet sounds of "I love you's" echoes down the corridor, and I find that these two make me jealous. I've never had a love like that and fear I never will after what I endured. My heart is scarred and walled up, guarded more heavily than Fort Knox. I don't know that anyone will ever be able to penetrate those walls again.

  I reach my hand up to knock as the door swings open. Brandon is standing there in jeans and a tight t-shirt. I avert my eyes away quickly, trying not to stare. His dark hair is messily styled and his soft green eyes are bright in contrast to the dark hue of his lashes. "Hi," he says, stepping to the side so I can enter.

  His apartment is definitely not what I had pictured. I smile at him and shake my head. "What?" He asks with a smirk.

  "I thought. . . Well I assumed you were the typical bachelor. You know, messy and all." Brandon just laughs and places his hand on the small of my back, guiding me further in the house. I flinch at the contact and he sighs.

  "I'm sorry, I should have been more thoughtful knowing how your last relationship was."

  My mind goes into overdrive at that word "relationship". An overwhelming sense of panic washes over me. I breathe in deeply and ask, "So, what's for dinner? That is what you invited me over here for, is it not?"

  His eyes grow wide at my matter if fact tone and he breaks into a fit of laughter. "Are you always so blunt and serious?"

  "Pretty much. I've learned to just say what needs to be said and be done with it."

  He just shakes his head and motions me to follow him. Upon entering the kitchen the aroma makes my mouth water.

  "Thai?" I ask with a smile.

  "Of course, I asked around work." He says rubbing the back of his neck with a hint of red coloring his cheeks.

  I stifle my laughter. "That was very... thoughtful." I reply, genuinely impressed. He pulls out my chair so I sit and open the container in front of me. I close my eyes and breathe in the aroma. "This looks delicious, did you order from..."

  "Tam," he says before I finish my sentence.

  "My favorite," I reply.

  "I know," he says with a wink.

  After dinner he cleans up as I finish my tea and hit the restroom to freshen up. The think pink scar running down my jawline is a constant reminder of what men are capable of. Instantly I find myself building my walls back up. Trying to stop it is useless, as it's fed by fear.

  He looks at me strangely as I walk out of the bathroom. "Are you ok?" He asks cautiously reaching for me. My first instinct is to step back but I hold my breath and let him take my hand, guiding me to the living room. "I was concerned, that's why I was outside the bathroom door." He says turning to face me. I smile and continue into the living room. He sits on the couch and I gingerly sit on the opposite end. "So tell me something about yourself I don't know," he says observing my reaction.

  "Well." I reply thinking for a moment. "l have an unhealthy addiction to circus peanuts." The look on his face is priceless as he processes the ridiculous confession. Suddenly he starts laughing and scoots towards me, throwing his arm around me.

  "You aren’t right." He whispers into my ear, his lips lightly feathering across my cheek. Feeling the warmth spreading throughout my body making me slightly dizzy. "Want to watch a movie?" He asks standing up. Watching him walk over to the entertainment center I can't help but look at his ass. He turns around seemingly able to feel my eyes on him. "Come on, help me pick one out." I hesitantly get up and join him, my eyes growing wide at the vast selection in front of me.

  Taking a closer look I bite my top lip to keep from laughing like a lunatic, "Seriously? You own this?" I ask, pulling the movie from the cabinet.

  "I know... I know what you're going to say." He stutters. “"But it is NOT mine."

  As I examine the case I notice it's a blu ray and a huge smile crosses my lips at the sheer thought of him watching sparkly vampires. "Sure..." I say popping open the case and placing the disc in the Blu-ray player.

  Brandon groans playfully as I hit play. "You want some popcorn?" He asks.

  "Absolutely. What's movie night without popcorn?" I reply sitting back down.

  A couple of minutes into the movie he comes in taking a seat next to me, popcorn in hand. As I start to reach for a handful he stops me. "Nope, we have to establish rules first."

  "Rules?" I ask narrowing my eyes.

  "Yes, rules." He says, the serious look on his face making me giggle.

  "Ok, what are these rules?"

  He grabs the remote pausing the movie. "The first rule is no swooning. I know you might think these sparkly bastards are cute, hot, or whatever they are, but do not express this at any time I'm in the same room."

  "Why---." I begin to ask and he cuts me off.

  "Shhh...." He says bringing his finger to his lips. "Rule number two..." He continues. "Do not and I repeat, do not give running commentary. It's a movie, not a sporting event." Trying to keep my giggles at bay is becoming increasingly difficult with each rule. "Finally, rule number three. This one is of the utter most importance. If at any point you fall asleep, you must not drool on me." I sit there staring at him as I have no words, only laughter. "What's so funny?" He asks. All I can do is shake my head. "So, do you think you can follow these simple rules?" He asks keeping the popcorn just out of my reach.

  "Following directions has never been a strong point for me, but I think these are doable." I replied with a smirk.

  "Good!" He says handing me the popcorn. He presses play and puts his arm around me. Tw
enty minutes into the movie he starts making snoring noises and I elbow him in his ribs causing him to jump sending his soda flying all over him.

  "Well damn." He says with a laugh. "I guess I deserve this."

  "I'm so sorry," I reply grabbing a tissue to try and dry it off.

  "Oh, don't worry about it. It's just a t-shirt, but I do need to change it." He says with a smile. He begins to pull off his shirt a pauses. "I have a few tattoos, so don't freak out."

  I sit there holding my breath as he takes off his shirt and then can't help but gasp. Not only at the sight of him shirtless but at the size of the tattoo sitting between his shoulder blades all the way down his back.

  "What?" He asks.

  "When you said tattoos, I was thinking they would be a bit smaller, but this one alone almost covers your whole back. I never would have pictured you as a tatted up bad boy." I say covering the blush now burning my cheeks. He turns his head to look at me and my whole body reacts to the wicked grin on his face. I slowly reach up to touch it and pull my hand back.

  "You can touch it." He says with a smirk. The contact of my fingers to his skin makes him shiver.

  "Is this a Caduceus?" I ask.

  "Yeah, just modified." He says, voice strained.

  I slowly trace the contours taking in every detail of the artwork in front of me. As I make a second pass over the middle of the tattoo he shivers again.

  "You keep that up and you just may find out just how much of a bad boy I really can be." He said winking at me.

  I feel the heat radiating off my cheeks as he turns to me and pulls me into him. All I can say is "Oh".

  "My, what a lovely shade of red your face has turned." He says looking down at me trying to stifle laughter. I pull away and cover my face with my hands. "Now why did you do that? It is really cute, and quite a turn on." He said with that wicked grin once again crossing his lips. I look up into his soft green eyes and just smile, red cheeked and all. He shakes his head and laughs as he kisses my forehead. "Surely you've seen a man without his shirt before."

  "Yes. But not one nearly as perfect as you." I reply shyly laying my head on his chest.

  "Sweetheart, I am far from perfect, and I have many flaws. One of them being the inability to leave you alone."

  "I don't want you to leave me alone." I counter, far too quickly. He smiles and holds me tightly. I could die right now, in this very moment and be perfectly content with it.

  We laugh together as he holds me to him, my heart hammering out of my chest. In a rush to break the heat building within me I abruptly ask, "So what exactly did you do in the Navy?" He smiles, realizing what I'm doing and releases his grip on me.

  "I was a Navy corpsman. Basically a Marine with medical training. I went out into the field with them. I did everything that they did, rifle range and all, but I also had to take care of them if they got hurt or needed immunizations. I fought alongside them and if they got shot I would run to them to save their life."

  I can't help but to smile. A hero that's what he is. He takes my hand and pulls me to him with a delicacy one would use holding a newborn baby. Leaning down he gently kisses my forehead.

  "You know you are more than welcome to stay here if you want."

  "Thank you, but I don't think I should." I say laying my head back the comfort of his chest.

  "Ok let me get another shirt on and we can get back to the movie."

  I sit down and grab the popcorn, hitting play. Brandon comes back in a tank top and I can't even concentrate on the movie. Keeping my face forward I find my eyes constantly looking over at him. I see him smile out of the corner of my eye and I know I've been caught. "Screw it." I say facing him.

  "What?" He asks.

  "You're just too damn hot in that shirt that I can't even keep my eyes on the movie."

  His eyes grow wide and he fights the smile on his lips. "And the truth finally comes out. I knew I was more than just cute." He says with a smirk.

  Smacking his arm I can't help but grin like an idiot. Brandon puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me as close to him as he can. Lifting my head up I softly kiss his neck and he sighs.

  "Are you trying to make me crazy, because if so you are succeeding." Pulling me onto his lap he brings his forehead to mine, his lips only centimeters from mine. My heart hammers in my chest and my cheeks begin to blush. "What is it about you?" He whispers.

  I smile because I feel the same way. In the past two weeks I've grown to feel something a bit more than like towards him. It could be love, but I don't feel like I'm ready to admit that. "I know what you mean. Brandon, I really like you and you have been nothing short of a miracle to me, but I'm damaged. I don't know what to feel or how to say what's on my mind."

  Placing his hand behind my neck he leans. When his lips touch mine I melt, everything in the world disappears and he is all I can see. I pull back breathless, unable to speak or move, any sense of direction or purpose is gone. In a daze I kiss him again, running my fingers through his hair. One lighter kiss and I pull away, looking at him and smiling. "I think I should go," I say trying to stand up.

  "Please don't. I'll behave myself. I promise," He says.”"I'll even go put on another shirt."

  Standing there looking up at him I try not to laugh. "Only if you behave," I say.

  "Of course." He says getting up to go get another shirt.

  After a few minutes Brandon comes back out with an Alabama sweatshirt on. "Nice." I say patting the couch beside me.

  "Can we please watch something else?" He asks.

  Raising my eyebrows I ask, "What do you have in mind?" He smiles, gets up and goes over to the movie cabinet. He pulls out a movie, careful to hide the title from me and puts it in. "What movie is this?"”I ask when he hits play.

  "It's just a movie." He replies with a smirk. I roll my eyes and lean my head against the couch. The movie begins and in an instant I recognize the music.

  " Nerd." I say grabbing the popcorn.

  "What can I say? That chicks pretty hot." He replies.

  "Ok, same rules apply to you. I don't want my ass compared to hers. Got it?"

  He laughs and grabs my hand. "Ok, no reference to her great ass, got it." I smack his arm and rest my head on his shoulder. "You know, Jasmine, she really doesn't have anything on you. Yeah she's pretty but shes unattainable and you're sitting right here with me."

  Looking at him I don’t know what emotion to feel. I'm happy that he feels this way but then again I don't know if I'll ever be enough.

  Three in the morning I wake up to find myself lying on his chest, the blue screen of the TV casting a faint light across his face as he sleeps. I slowly wiggle myself out of his grasp and go to the bathroom. My reflection is frightening so I wash my face and run my fingers through my hair to try and fix the tangled mess. Creeping back into the living room I notice he is no longer on the couch.

  “"I'm in here." He says. I enter his room and he tosses me a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. "I figured this would be a bit more comfortable for you."”He says with a yawn. Looking at the clothes he's given me I just laugh.“"I know they will be a bit big, but I'm sure that it's better than jeans."” I nod and start to walk out. "You can use my bathroom, if you'd like." He says pointing to the other side of his room.

  I nod and go in to change, folding my clothes and putting them on the hamper. Pulling my hair into a ponytail I sigh, “best I can do,’ before walking back out. “

  "Are'nt you just cute." He says with a smile.

  “"Yeah, yeah"” I say crawling onto the bed. Brandon turns out the light and crawls in beside me. I lay there staring up at the ceiling unsure of how I feel about this. “

  "Is everything ok?" He asks moving closer. “

  "Yeah, I’m just thinking about Caleb."

  “"Who is Caleb?"’ Brandon asks and I can feel his eyes on me, even in the darkness.

  "Caleb was my baby brother." I reply, ‘

  "Was?" he asks. “

  "Yeah, was."” I say fe
eling the tears begin to slide down my cheeks.

  “"What happened to him?"

  "He died when I was almost eight, he had leukemia." I reply in a whisper. The bed shifts a s Brandon turns towards me, pulling me into his embrace.

  "Tell me about him. That is, if you want to.”

  "Ok, sure." I say facing him. I can't see his face, but I can feel his breath on my shoulder. "He wasn't blood related but it didn't matter to me, and he was the only one I've ever had. Caleb was almost a year old when my parents adopted him. My parents had tried after I was born, because they had always wanted a big family. From the moment I laid eyes on him I loved him. His bright blue eyes and crooked smile always had a way of tugging on my heartstrings. I would do anything for him and I do mean anything."

  "When he was five he got really sick. After that we spent many long nights in the emergency room, trying to figure out the cause. One night he woke up with a fever of one hundred and six. He was hallucinating and it felt like his skin was on fire. When we got to the hospital his fever was gone. They were about to send us home with just an antibiotic, but the doctor on duty decided to do one more test, a blood test. His results came back with a very high white blood count."

  "Just like that, in a whirl wind my mother and I were on an ambulance with him heading to the Children's hospital in Birmingham, AL. After being admitted and tons of testing we got the bad news, cancer. In that moment everything changed. With my mom being unable to work and my dad having to carry everything, we lost our house. As his health declined they begin to withdraw and turn to other things for comfort."

  "My mom began to drink heavily and my dad turned to alcohol as well as cocaine and prostitutes. I became the scapegoat for all their issues. At that time it was never physical, only emotional. It wasn't till after he died it got worse."

  "The treatments had quit working and the only option left was a bone marrow transplant. Since we were not blood related none of us were a match. For months we waited and hoped but no one was found. Three days before his eight birthday his little body gave out. One by one, his systems shut down. I was with him when he took his final breath."