Tipping the Balance

by Koehler, Christopher

  Drew hung up the phone, but sleep eluded him. Brad was gay, or at least bi. His hopes, once grounded, soared again. Brad seemed like he might be interested too. This was what he’d wanted—that double-handful of big lug was looking to jump the fence and land in his arms—but right then, he felt nothing but pity for Brad.

  Brad rubbed his face as he walked from his car to Drew’s front door. Given how much he’d had to drink the night before, he should’ve felt a lot worse. Water and Tylenol before bed, eight hours of sleep that ended only with Randall banging around the house like a one-man marching band, followed by more Tylenol and a shower. He’d had a slight headache, but the Tylenol banished it.

  “You know I don’t have a hangover, right?” he said to Randall when he emerged from his room to make coffee. He didn’t feel the need to mention it was because he’d puked up most of the hard alcohol. He poured himself a big mug full of coffee and called Drew from his car.

  Twenty minutes later, Brad stood before Drew’s front door. He knew he should’ve been more nervous, but he wasn’t. Maybe he just didn’t have the energy for it that… afternoon. It was after 1:00 p.m., coming up on twelve hours since he’d called Drew. Twelve hours since he’d more or less come out to someone.

  Shit.

  Suddenly he felt exhausted by it all.

  The door opened. “Hey,” Drew said, looking concerned. “How long’ve you been standing there?”

  “I just got here,” Brad replied quietly.

  “Come in,” Drew said, getting out of the way.

  Brad entered, and Drew closed the door behind him.

  “Rough night?”

  “Rough night? More like a rough morning,” Brad said “Rough last few weeks, even.”

  “You want a late lunch, or would you rather talk about it?” Drew said.

  “I’m not really very hungry right now,” Brad said. “Maybe we could just talk?”

  “Yeah, sure, c’mon back to the family room. It’s cozier than the front living room,” Drew said, leading the way.

  Brad knew leather furniture was actually very comfortable, but it looked cold in the living room, reflecting the light of the summer afternoon in a way that reminded him of ice. But the suede finish on the sofa and chairs in the family room just looked more inviting, brown and comfy, and he launched himself onto the sofa without thinking. “Ooops,” he said, blushing when the sofa jumped back a good six inches. He stood up in a hurry. “I’m sorry! That was really rude. That’s why my dad keeps telling me to think before I act. That was—”

  “Perfectly all right,” Drew laughed. “At least I know you like it.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Brad sighed, almost a moan, sinking back down. “It’s so soft and comfy. I never want to get up again.”

  Drew looked at Brad in a way he couldn’t interpret. “Then stay there,” Drew said. “Water? Soda? More coffee?”

  “Nah, I’m good,” Brad said, adding to himself, Now that I’m here.

  “Yeah, you are,” Drew said, smiling again. He sat down on the far end of the sofa on the small area not covered by a very large Brad. “So… about last night,” he began.

  “Aw, jeez, I was drunk,” Brad groaned, throwing one arm over his eyes to hide behind it. “Just forget it, okay?”

  Drew didn’t say anything for the longest time, long enough that Brad hoped he’d win this round, that he’d be allowed to hide just a little bit longer. But Brad still felt Drew watching him, and he held his breath.

  “You asked how I knew I was gay,” Drew said at last. “Like I said last night, I’ve always known, I guess. Even as a little kid, I knew I was different in ‘that way’, even if I didn’t have a name for it. Some friends of mine, neighbor kids, a boy and a girl. He had Playboy, she had Playgirl. I liked Playgirl. There was no question which did it for me, even when I was that young. Later, someone defined ‘gay’ for me. I thought, ‘Oh, that’s what I am’.”

  “Really? That young?” Brad said, pushing himself upright.

  Drew nodded. “That young. I didn’t know I was supposed to like girls. I knew gay was a bad thing to be. I received that message loud and clear,” he said, his voice growing hard. “I kept it hidden in high school until it became impossible to hide any longer.”

  “What happened?” Brad asked.

  “I came out,” Drew said, shrugging uncomfortably. “I won’t say I rubbed my family’s faces in it, but I was pretty obvious about it, a peacock surrounded by pigeons. They didn’t know what to make of me. Sometimes I think my older brother still doesn’t know, but they came around. I know one thing, though,” he said.

  “What’s that?” Brad said, wary in the crosshairs of Drew’s sharp look.

  “My life is infinitely better for having done so. I have a relationship with my family, for one thing, and I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t come out. The more you hide, the more you have to hide,” Drew said, searching Brad’s face.

  “Oh,” Brad said without meeting Drew’s eyes. There was an opening if ever there was one, but he just couldn’t. He felt like there’d been a moment last night where he might’ve told Drew what had weighed on his mind over the last several weeks, but he also knew that without the liquid courage, his mouth would stay clamped shut.

  But his conflict wasn’t so easily squashed. This is what you wanted, he thought, and the man you want.

  But that’s just it, he argued back. The time’s not right, it’s not when you want him… it. Drew implied the time had to be right. It sure sounded like something was off when he came out, maybe something even forced him out, and he’s still uptight about it even now.

  But then, as clearly as if Randall had been standing in the room with them, Brad heard his dad say, “You’re a fuck-up, Bradley. The man’s handing you the perfect moment, and you’re screwing it up, just like crew. You let that kid take your moment from you, and you’re throwing this one away. When are you going to be a man?”

  “This is hard for me, okay?” Brad said softly.

  “I know,” Drew replied.

  “So you told them, your family I mean, and they just accepted it?” Brad said, still unable to name it. “They accepted you?”

  “Eventually, yes. There was some confusion and hurt feelings, but it was just because I’d been hiding it.” At Brad’s puzzled look, Drew explained, “I’d spent enough time hiding my true self that what I told them didn’t make sense with what they’d seen and what they thought, despite the rather obvious signs. Once I explained things, once everything made sense again, yeah, my parents and brother were in my corner,” Drew said. “The cross-country team took longer, but I was fast, and that helped.”

  “I never had that,” Brad said softly.

  “Had what? I didn’t think you were out to your family… I mean, I assume you’re gay or questioning,” Drew said.

  Brad shrugged uncomfortably, still unwilling to say the words to Drew. “About anything, really. Sure, Mom was pretty understanding, but she’s been gone for a while now.”

  “I’m sorry you never had that kind of acceptance,” Drew said quietly.

  “It’s okay. Like I said, it’s been a few years. It’s only painful when the day of the accident rolls around.”

  Drew shook his head slowly. “That’s not what I meant. Everyone needs understanding.”

  “I sure don’t have that. I don’t know what my dad’s problem is, but nothing I do is ever good enough for him. It’s like he got the son he wanted the first time, and once I came along, I was just in the way. He took one look at me and decided I annoyed him, and that was that.

  “But it wasn’t that bad, you know?” Brad continued. “I mean, I had Mom, Philip had Randall. I thought brothers were supposed to be close, but at some point I guess we took sides too. But Mom’s gone, and now… I’m not sure whether being Randall’s favorite is such a great thing for him, you know? Our dad’s kind of an asshole.”

  Drew didn’t say anything.

  “I might’ve mentioned this, but Morgan and I
had a real rivalry going for a while,” Brad continued.

  Drew shook his head. “If Nick ever mentioned it, I’ve forgotten. How come?”

  “Because I was the fastest guy on the crew until he showed up. I bumped one of the varsity men for a seat, and it seemed like I had nowhere to go but up,” Brad said, shrugging. “But then Morgan did the same thing, and to a guy I’m not sure I could’ve beaten. Suddenly I had to fight to prove myself in the one place I’d found I wasn’t compared to my brother. You know what Randall said when Morgan finally beat me at an indoor-rowing competition?”

  “No, but I’m almost afraid to hear the answer,” Drew said.

  “No kidding,” Brad snorted. “‘Well, that certainly didn’t take long, Bradley.’ Nice, huh? I don’t know why I tried… try. I mean, it’s like I’m slamming my head into a wall. It hurts like a motherfucker, but I just keep doing it, hoping the next time won’t hurt. But it always does. It always hurts.”

  “I’m sorry,” Drew whispered. He reached a hand out to Brad but stopped, unsure if the touch would be welcomed.

  “Something like this….” Brad trailed off. He shook his head. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

  “Then don’t go there with your father yet, wherever you’re going. Start small. Start with one person, just one person you know is in your corner, who won’t judge or reject you,” Drew said, eyes bright with unshed tears.

  Brad frowned at Drew, weighing his words. He felt a sudden rush of gratitude that Drew was in his life. It was another benefit of crew. It occurred to him that even though he’d only known Drew as a vague presence at the fringe of the CalPac crew for a handful of months, he’d already become his closest friend. Sometimes you just knew about people.

  He took a chance. “Can I… will you just hold me?”

  Drew nodded.

  Brad scooted the rest of the way down the sofa and laid his head on Drew’s lap, facing outwards, his back to Drew’s front. He needed the comfort of contact but not the pressure of meeting the other man’s eyes.

  He closed his eyes and relaxed into Drew, just sagged, the tension slowly washing away as Drew first hesitated to hold him, then gently put one arm across Brad’s chest. He hadn’t been held in years, not since before his mother’s death. He’d forgotten how it felt. But somehow being in the other man’s arms felt nothing like being held by his mother. This felt… like a safe port. Like calm water. Like something he could get used to, fast.

  That scared him, but the need for contact outweighed the fear. He tried not to think about why he was cuddled up to a gay man, tried not to think about why being so close to Drew felt so good, tried not to think at all.

  “Is this all right?” Drew said softly.

  “Yeah,” Brad breathed, sighing into Drew a little more. Drew felt so warm, so strong. Somehow, it felt like the smaller man would keep all his troubles away just by holding him. It was Brad’s tamest contact with another person since he’d hit puberty, and at that moment, he couldn’t imagine anything better. There, in Drew’s arms, he relaxed for the first time in as long as he could remember.

  Brad was scared. There was no two ways about it. His whole life, he’d seen himself as one thing—straight. Since puberty, he’d been all about getting into women’s pants. And he’d enjoyed it. But there’d been no connection, no feeling beyond getting off. He’d just chalked talk of such things up to girl talk or soap operas or romance novels or wherever women got those ideas. But now he knew. In those few moments, he had already experienced a deeper connection to Drew than to any of the women he’d been with.

  So Brad made a decision. This? What he felt at that moment, he’d never felt this in a woman’s arms. That had been about sex, but this was about so much more. About comfort, about security, about understanding, about trust…. The flood of feelings made his head swim.

  If this was what it was with Drew, then Brad wanted it. He wanted Drew. Whether that made him gay or bi or whatever, he just wasn’t going to worry about it then. He couldn’t, not in the face of these feelings.

  The feeling of protected comfort turned to something else then. Something that shivered down his spine to settle in his belly, in his groin. Something hotter. He knew that feeling of slithery, anxious need. He had never expected to feel it with another guy.

  Brad rolled over to look up at Drew, a serious expression creasing his brow, as if he were trying to determine whether or not this was right. But Brad didn’t stop to think. He couldn’t.

  He sat up, pulling himself onto his knees next to Drew on the sofa. Still deadly serious, he leaned toward Drew, who was frozen in place. Head tilted, he did what he’d wanted to do on Friday. He gave into the force pulling him toward Drew.

  He kissed Drew, lips grazing lips. He gasped, his senses suddenly on high alert. It had never felt like that, lips against lips. He kissed Drew once more before pulling back again.

  “Is… is this okay?” Brad whispered. He touched his tingling lips.

  Drew nodded. “More than anything,” he breathed.

  Brad smiled faintly before leaning in again. Their lips touched and the electric feeling of that first kiss rushed back, stronger than before, zinging from his lips to his cock and making his whole body feel alive.

  After a moment, he felt Drew move closer, kissing him back, but always letting him take the lead in exploring. Under Brad’s guidance, the kisses deepened from short busses on the lips to longer, deeper contact that made his head spin with the newness of the old familiar action.

  That Drew kissed him back with equal intensity, and the fact that the other man was just as into it as he made it hotter. He knew how Drew’s kisses affected him, and the thought that his did the same to Drew…. He’d never felt such a rush.

  Their bodies hummed together, increasingly in synch, sigh with sigh, moan with moan. Drew’s every utterance and sound added fuel to Brad’s fire. Without even knowing it had happened, Brad was rock hard.

  Their kisses grew sloppier, more heated, and Brad let his hands start to explore, one hesitant hand on Drew’s arm, another on his chest. The bicep beneath his hand was firm, bunching and flexing as Drew stroked him back. Drew’s chest made his own tighten with the thrill of the hard muscles under his fingers. He thought of that woman from Friday night, and this felt right. His mind flashed to other places where Drew would differ from whatshername, harder places. There was so much he wanted to explore and so much he was afraid to touch.

  Drew raised his hand to cup Brad behind his head. Drew’s touch made Brad shiver with all the wants he felt but couldn’t name. He relaxed back into Drew’s touch, his scalp ultrasensitive under Drew’s hand.

  Then—

  Brad froze.

  Up until now, Drew had let Brad take the lead, but when he felt Drew’s tongue dart against his lips for a moment….

  Drew pulled back. “I’m sorry—”

  “That was—”

  “I know, I shouldn’t have—”

  “Shut up, will ya?” Brad said. He attacked Drew’s mouth with renewed vigor, tongue dueling tongue, sliding back and forth across sensitive, kiss-swollen lips, each stroke sending them higher. When Drew opened for him in surrender, taking his tongue in, Brad all but lost it, almost creaming his shorts right there.

  He pushed Drew back on the sofa, the two of them sliding down until Brad had Drew pinned. He looked down at Drew, a big grin on his face. “Now this I like.”

  “Yeah, I’m helpless under you, you brute. What’re you going to do with me?” Drew breathed, running his hands up and down Brad’s broad, muscular back.

  “This, I think,” Brad said, angling in for more kissing.

  Then Drew’s hips started thrusting, and Brad felt another man’s hard member pressing into him. Even with layers of fabric between them, that was all it could’ve been. A man’s cock, a gay man’s cock—

  Brad froze for a moment, skeeved out and hornier than he’d ever been in his life.

  He thrust back against Drew, groa
ning with the need of it. Hell yes, this was what he wanted, what he had to have. Drew was hard for him. He was hot for Drew. It was a perfect world.

  I could make him come, Brad thought fleetingly. The knowledge rocked him as hard as he rocked against Drew’s hips, thinking of hands and cocks and mouths and…. His balls pulled tight against his body. The power was heady and awesome and pushed him closer and closer….

  Brad pulled back, gasping for air.

  “What’s wrong?” Drew said, frowning at the withdrawal of contact.

  “I don’t know? This? I mean, I’m totally into you, into this, but it’s just….”

  “I know,” Drew said, gazing into Brad’s eyes. He smiled as his breathing slowly calmed. “Baby steps.”