The World's Biggest Bogey
Page 5
Ding-dong
Drainy Babbler
Hello, Mr Bibby
Its Danny again. I’m still talking nonsense, so my best friend Matthew will tell you what I’m saying, like last time.
Yesterday, sixty-seven of the kids at the hospital produced a trump that measured 119.9 decibels. It cured our new friend Alex, but it didn’t cure me. After the damage the trump caused, the hospital says it is never going to serve stinky fish and beans and sprouts and cabbage on a Friday ever again. The kids say I’m a hero! Was our trump a world-beater?
Best wishes
Danny Baker
Dear Danny and Matthew
Bad luck again! You and your friends blew just short of the record. A couple more sprouts might have made all the difference.
The Loudest Single Trump ever recorded was measured at 121.4 decibels. It was produced by the Woolloomooloo Didgeridoo rugby team on 14 July 1996 during a tour of Tonga. Like you, they had been fuelled by a special diet – stinky fish, spinach, cabbage, pumpkin and bananas. At a banquet held in their honour, on a signal from their captain Hayden Blow, the whole team broke wind simultaneously in front of King Taufa–ahau Tupou IV.
The team broke the Trump Decibel world record, but offended the king and his people so much that they were asked to leave Tonga and never return.
I hope you put your fingers in your ears when you trumped. 119.9 decibels is about as loud as a jet aircraft taking off, but I don’t suppose I need to tell you that!
I’m really sorry you’re not better yet, Danny, but don’t give up hope, there is always a cure. As your new friend Alex discovered with your monster trump, the trick is just to find it.
Best wishes
Eric Bibby
Keeper of the Records
Danny stood with Mum, Dad and Matthew outside the Big Hall at the University of Walchester. The room was packed with hundreds of Brain Boffins from all over the world, all there to examine Danny and Matthew.
Dad ruffled Danny’s hair.
‘How do you feel, Dan?’
‘GB.’
Mum put her arm around Danny’s shoulders.
‘Are you sure? You seem a bit fed up to me.’
Danny shrugged. The clock is full of wobbles and custard, Beans,’ he explained. The cat can smile for ants and a spoon can ring its socks.’
Mum looked at Matthew.
‘I don’t want to baffle doctors any more, Mum,’ Matthew translated. ‘It was fun for a while, but now I want to be normal again.’
Inside the hall, Danny heard Professor Walkinshaw announce to the hundreds of assembled Brain Boffins, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the most baffling case I have ever seen: Danny Baker and his best friend Matthew Mason.’
For the next hour Danny and Matthew told their story and answered questions in their uniquely baffling way. At the end of the session the boys walked off the stage to deafening cheers and clapping.
Mum gave Danny a hug.
Dad shook Matthew’s hand.
‘Well done, both of you,’ said Dad.
‘It’s a bookworm, Toast,’ sighed Danny. ‘Do dancing spots worry a dinosaur’s boots? Because the cows on bicycles have tea-bag toes.’
Matthew frowned and translated, ‘I’m a bit fed up, Dad. Do you think I’ll ever be able to speak normally again? All I can look forward to are loads more tests.’
Mum knelt down and looked at Danny. She was smiling.
‘There is something else to look forward to,’ she said. ‘I’ve got some news that will cheer you up.’
‘Turnip?’ asked Danny.
‘What?’ asked Matthew.
‘I’m going to have a baby,’ Mum said.
Danny’s jaw dropped. He felt as though his breath had got stuck in his chest. He couldn’t get air in or out. He made several choking sounds.
‘Danny . . . ?’ said Mum anxiously.
Danny tried with all his might to force the air out of his throat. It burst out in a rush of words.
‘Whatdoyoumeanyouaregoingtohaveababy?’ he blurted.
‘What do you mean, you are going to have a baby?’ Matthew translated.
‘What?’ asked Dad.
‘What?’ asked Mum.
‘He said, “What do you mean, you are going to have a baby?”’ repeated Matthew.
‘I know that’s what he said!’ shouted Mum.
‘Danny!’ yelled Dad. ‘I think you’re cured! Say something else.’
‘Fidget on a corner flag, Beans on Toast.’
Mum, Dad and Matthew gasped.
Danny laughed. ‘Just kidding!’
At that moment, Professor Walkinshaw walked off the stage.
‘Danny, Matthew, you’ve baffled the world of Boffindom,’ he beamed. ‘But don’t worry, I promise we will find a cure.’
‘It’s OK, Professor, I’ve just had an Out-of-the-blue Mum-delivered Baby-news Gobbledegook Cure,’ announced Danny.
The professor frowned. ‘What?’ he asked.
‘His mum’s going to have a baby,’ Matthew translated. ‘And Danny can talk normally again.’
‘Ace!’ said Danny.
‘Don’t you mean Wonderfluff?’ laughed Matthew.
Danny Baker-Record Breaker
Dear Mr Bibby
This is me writing! Guess what? The only person talking gobbledegook now is my doctor, Professor Walkinshaw. He says I’ve had a ‘Resolution by Unexpected Announcement of Impending Sibling Arrival’. In other words, I’m cured!
Just before my mum told me she was going to have a baby, me and Matthew managed to baffle 1,327 Brain Boffins from all over the world. The professor said that in all his years as the world’s leading Baffleologist, he’d never known so many big-brained Brain Boffins to be baffled at one time. Does this mean we’re world-beaters?
Best wishes
Danny
Dear Danny
This is wonderful news! I was very worried about you and I am so relieved you are better. It’s also great to hear about your truly outstanding display of Boffin–baffling. Congratulations! I can confirm that you and Matthew have broken the world record for Tandem Simultaneous Baffling of Big–brained Brain Boffins.
I have enclosed two certificates, one for each of you.
Your letter arrived just in time. I leave today for Lake Chargoggagoggmanchaugga-goggchaubunagungamaugg, near the town of Webster, Massachusetts. It has the longest place name in America, and has more letter ‘g’s than any other word in the world.
The name of the lake means something like Englishmen at Manchaug at the fishing place at the boundary’. The townspeople are hoping to gather at least 2,461 Englishmen at the fishing place at the boundary, to break the previous record. I am going to count how many Englishmen turn up and, as an Englishman myself, take part in the attempt.
With luck, Danny, this time next week, I could be a record breaker too!
Well done to both of you.
Best wishes
Eric Bibby
Keeper of the Records
Danny and Matthew stared at their certificates.
‘Ace,’ said Danny.
‘Cool,’ agreed Matthew.
Dad ruffled Matthew’s hair. ‘You deserve that, Matt,’ he said. ‘Danny would have been in a real pickle without you.’
Mum sat at the kitchen table, fixing the broken toaster. ‘So, Danny, would you prefer a brother or a sister?’ she asked.
Danny and Matthew looked at each other as if they thought Mum had gone mad.
‘A brother, of course!’ answered Danny. He nodded towards his sister Natalie. ‘One Nasty Nat’s enough!’
Natalie put her tongue out at him. Danny pulled a face at her. Then his eyes widened as a new idea popped into his head.
‘I wonder what the world record is for the Stinkiest Nappy?’
Glossary of Danny Baker’s Gobbledegook
Bucket scoops – Hello
Ding-dong – Best wishes
Gumboots – Yes
Beep – No
Earwax – Please
Saddlebags – Thank you
Wobble – Doctor
Bobbin – Nurse
Beans – Mum
Toast – Dad
Bernard – Matthew
Drainy Babbler – Danny Baker
Captain Barnacle – Mr Bibby
Dopey – Natalie
GB – OK
Wonderfluff! – Ace!