Picking Up The Pieces

by Brenda Adcock

  “Is something wrong, Sheriff?”

  “I was called about a potential problem and–well–you might want to meet me at a bar called–um–The Down Under.”

  “Where is that? I’m not familiar with the local bars,” Lauren said.

  “Hasn’t been open long. It’s about a mile or so past Tiny’s old place goin’ toward Duvalle,” Raynelle directed.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can, Sheriff. And thanks for calling me.”

  NEARLY FORTY-FIVE minutes later Lauren pulled into the unpaved parking area in front of the bar and stepped from her vehicle. She glanced at Athon’s Jeep as she strode toward a patrol car from the Sheriff’s Department. Raynelle stood and rested against the open door of her car as she watched Lauren approach in paint spattered jeans and t-shirt. Lauren stopped when she reached the vehicle.

  “Thanks again for calling me, Raynelle,” Lauren said. She was embarrassed and couldn’t meet the sheriff’s eyes.

  “Don’t let her drive,” Raynelle warned.

  “She seemed fine when I left home this morning.”

  “Want me to wait around, just in case?”

  “No, thanks. It’s not that far to the house.”

  Raynelle nodded and got back into her car. Lauren waited until the sheriff drove away before walking to the bar entrance and taking a calming breath. She pushed the door open and stepped inside, moving to the rear wall to let her eyes and ears adjust. She coughed slightly from the haze of cigarette smoke drifting over everything. She let her eyes travel from left to right across the seating area and the dance floor. She hadn’t known the lesbian bar had opened, but Athon obviously did. She hadn’t said a word and Lauren wondered how often Athon patronized the establishment. On her first visual pass she hadn’t seen Athon even though Raynelle said she was inside and hadn’t left. Lauren pushed away from the wall and wandered slowly through the tables and booths, trying not to be too conspicuous. She was stopped when a huge woman blocked her path. She wasn’t overweight, just extremely tall and as muscular as a weightlifter.

  “Excuse me,” Lauren said.

  The woman took Lauren’s upper arm, her grip surprisingly soft. “Wanna dance, sweet thing?”

  “No, thank you.”

  When the woman moved away in search of another dance partner, Lauren breathed a sigh of relief. Then she saw Athon. She was on the dance floor, her body draped over a gum-smacking young woman with brassy blonde hair and wearing very few clothes. Their bodies were pressed so close against one another that no light could be seen when they turned to the side. Lauren shrank back into a shadow and watched as Athon kissed along the side of the woman’s face while her hands groped along her waist before cupping her ass to hold her closer as her hips ground against the woman. Lauren watched the young blonde slip her hand down Athon’s body toward her crotch and closed her eyes before they reached their destination. She wiped a tear from her cheek. As the music began to die down the woman took Athon’s hand and started leading her from the floor toward a darkened booth. Athon gripped the railing surrounding the dance floor and negotiated the first step down. Lauren moved quickly to the bottom step.

  “Athon,” she said and waited until her partner’s eyes met hers. “Come home, baby,” she said, holding her hand out.

  A stupid grin flashed at Lauren. She looked at the blonde. “This is Lauren,” she said.

  Lauren turned to the confused-looking woman. “I’m her wife,” she said boldly.

  Athon nodded briskly and slurred with a crooked smile, “That is correct.”

  “She must not be gettin’ what she wants at home or she wouldn’t be here" the woman snorted. ,

  Lauren ignored the blonde and reached for Athon’s hand. The woman shrugged and dropped it. “Next time,” she said as she walked off in search of either another woman or another drink. Lauren shook her head. She wrapped her arm around Athon’s waist as she guided her toward the entrance to the bar. They didn’t speak as she got Athon in the car and drove home.

  Lauren tossed her car keys and purse on the dining room table and helped Athon toward the bathroom. She pulled the shower curtain back and stepped in, encouraging Athon to follow. Lauren stepped out again, leaving Athon fully clothed and reached inside to turn on the cold water. She walked out of the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

  She changed into a pair of running shorts and a sleeveless shirt before leaving the house again, running at a slow pace. The more she ran the more she thought and the angrier she became. She increased her pace and ran full out until her legs screamed in pain and she thought her heart would burst from the punishment she was inflicting on it. Too late, she thought. She wanted to scream out her frustration and her heart was already shattered. Since that day on the floor of the exercise room, that day she had virtually seduced Athon into fucking her until she ached, there had been no real, honest intimacy between them. Tears ran down her cheeks as she willed her body forward. When she could no longer breathe easily she jogged off the shoulder of the road and collapsed onto a grassy patch. She could hear her heart beat in her ears and her chest heaved as she breathed through her mouth in sobbing gasps. Cramps attacked the muscles in the calves of her legs and she couldn’t stand. Her body arched off the ground, forcing her head back as she fought to reach her legs and massage the cramps away. Tears rolled down the sides of her face as the painful knots pulled even tighter. She thought she would pass out from the constricting pain when she felt a hand on her shoulder. A teenaged boy knelt next to her. He pulled off his bicycle helmet and dropped it on the ground.

  “Are you hurt? I can call an ambulance,” he rasped.

  “Cramp,” Lauren managed.

  “Where?”

  “Calf,” she said, breathing heavily.

  He quickly grabbed the toe of her shoe and slowly forced it back. She screamed in relief as the muscle along the back of her calf released.

  “Other leg,” she begged.

  A few minutes later the boy ran his arms under Lauren’s arms and lifted her off the ground. He retreated to his bicycle, pulled off one of the water bottles mounted on the frame, and handed it to her. She drank greedily and the water ran down the sides of her mouth. She limped around while holding the boy’s shoulder. She would be sore the next day, but it still wouldn’t be as bad as the other invisible places where she ached. Assured she was all right, the boy pedaled away as she began walking back to the house.

  Two hours later, Lauren forced her legs up the front steps of the house and sat down heavily on the couch in the living room. She needed a shower to cool her core down. After downing a glass of water, she reached in the freezer and took out a bag of frozen grapes, popping one in her mouth to begin the process of cooling her body. She was feeling better by the time she went into the bathroom and began stripping her clothes off. She let the tepid water run over her head and down her body. As she patted her skin dry she noticed her face was still flushed and hoped she didn’t develop too bad a sunburn. She stepped out of the bathroom and looked into the master bedroom where Athon was sleeping it off. She pulled the door shut and went upstairs to the guest room and fell onto the bed.

  A HAND RUNNING across her back woke Lauren up. She rubbed her face back and forth across a pillow and stretched, regretting it as her calf muscles twitched. She turned her head to the side when she felt warm lips between her shoulder blades and a hand on her bare ass. Memories of earlier that day rushed back.

  “Don’t touch me,” she said, pushing her body off the bed.

  Athon stood close to her and said quietly, “It’s hard to resist a sight like that.” Athon’s hand slid around Lauren's waist.

  Lauren slapped the hand away and glared at Athon. “I said don’t touch me.” Her eyes drifted up and down Athon’s face. “Resisting me hasn’t been a problem for you so far.”

  “Please, baby,” Athon said.

  “Please my ass,” Lauren spat. She looked down at her naked body. “Oh hell! I cannot argue with you while I’
m standing here butt naked.” She turned and went quickly down the stairs toward their bedroom. She closed the door behind her and slipped into a soft pair of jeans and a thin long-sleeve pullover. When she opened the door Athon was standing there. Lauren pushed by her and retreated to the kitchen for a glass of tea. She leaned against the counter and drank slowly to calm down.

  “Are you going to leave me?” Athon asked, resting her shoulder against the door frame.

  Lauren barked a laugh. “Is that what you want?”

  “I think you’ve been looking for a reason to leave,” Athon said as she picked at her cuticles. “And now I’ve given you what you wanted, just like I always have.”

  “If I wanted to leave you I know where the fucking door is. I don’t need your permission to leave.” Lauren could feel her anger reaching the boiling point. “I don’t know who you are anymore, Athon. You won’t touch me unless I force you to and you won’t let me touch you. Yet today I find you practically crawling into the pants of some bleached blonde half your age. What the fuck were you thinking?”

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” Athon said.

  “But you are! You make me feel undesirable and unimportant. No matter how much I love you, I can’t live this way.” Lauren pushed past Athon again, jerking her arm away when Athon reached out to stop her, and grabbed her purse and car keys. She ran out the front door and to the carport, fumbling with the keys to unlock the door. She pulled it open and started the engine, twisting in the seat to look behind her.

  As the car began to back up, Athon placed her hand on the side window. Tears ran down her face. “Please, Lauren! Don’t leave me! Please, baby, I need you! I can’t make it without you! Please!” she begged as she tried to keep up with the car. When she couldn’t run any longer she fell to her knees and buried her face in her hands, sobbing as the car continued to move away. Athon bent over at the waist until her forehead touched the ground. Her tears wouldn’t stop. She trembled as she began to rock, feeling lost and abandoned. She struck her hand against her head, over and over. A hand grabbed her wrist and stopped her. She looked at the hand and up into shimmering cinnamon eyes. Lauren was on her knees next to Athon stroking her hair. Athon swiveled her body and laid her head in Lauren’s lap and wrapped her arms around her waist while bursting into deep sobs.

  When Athon finally stopped crying Lauren helped her up and led her back into the house.

  “W–why did you come back?” Athon asked, her voice weak and hoarse.

  “Because I promised you forever and always,” Lauren whispered. “Staying is hard, but leaving would be harder.”

  Athon embraced Lauren tightly and held her. “I do love you, Lauren.”

  “I love you, too, baby.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Duvalle, Texas October 2010

  AFTER THE BAR incident, Athon agreed to make another appointment with her psychologist. She was taking her medication regularly, but was embarrassed to discuss her diminished libido with a male doctor. She requested a female psychologist and was assigned to Dr. Francine Cortez who had worked with numerous men and women who were experiencing relationship problems caused by TBI and PTSD diagnoses. She was an older woman who patiently listened and never interrupted when Athon was talking.

  “It’s good to see you, Major Dailey,” Dr. Cortez said as Athon took a chair across from her. She flipped open a chart on her desk and glanced over a page or two of in-patient notes. “How have you been?”

  “Okay,” Athon answered.

  Cortez chuckled. “If you were okay, my dear, you probably wouldn’t be here. Any nightmares?”

  “A couple, but I can handle them.”

  “Do you recognize anyone in particular in your nightmares?”

  Athon shifted her eyes to her hands and blinked several times as if trying to bat away what she had seen. “My crew,” she answered so softly that Dr. Cortez had to lean forward to hear her.

  Cortez took glanced at Athon’s file. “No spouse?”

  “I have a partner.”

  Cortez nodded and jotted down a note. “How is your relationship?”

  Athon shrugged. “Okay.”

  “Do you touch her and let her touch you?”

  Athon shook her head, refusing to look at Cortez.

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t deserve her,” Athon answered forcefully. “Okay. I wish she’d leave.”

  “Then you’d be alone. Is that what you want?”

  “No,” Athon mumbled. “But everyone leaves eventually.”

  “Tell me about her,” Cortez said.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “How do you feel when you’re together?”

  “Fine.”

  “When was the last time you were intimate?”

  Athon frowned. “That’s none of your business.”

  “Isn’t that why you’re here, Major Dailey? Because you have an intimacy problem.”

  “I don’t have a problem.”

  “Then when was the last time you were intimate with your partner? Or anyone else? Have you been with someone else?”

  “No. It’s just personal.”

  “Why? Because you can’t perform?”

  Athon glared at Cortez.

  “Why do you think you don’t deserve her?” Cortez asked.

  “She’s always been a better person than I am.”

  “Tell me about your parents?”

  Athon shifted in her chair. “Not much to tell. My mother was a stripper.”

  “And your father?”

  “Could have been anyone. Mom moonlighted as a prostitute and drug addict.”

  “What about your partner’s parents?”

  “Don’t know much about her mother. Her father was a religious bigot. Refused to accept who she was.”

  “But you did.”

  “I loved her.”

  “That’s past tense. Does that mean you don’t love her now?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “But you don’t think you deserve her any more. Is it because you lost your crew? Because you came back and they didn’t?”

  “I should have died with them.”

  “But you didn’t. You survived and now feel tremendous guilt. Tell me about them.”

  Cortez listened as Athon described each member of her crew, occasionally throwing in a humorous story about something that had happened. The only one she couldn’t tell the doctor much about was Ricardo Ortega. He had only been with her a limited amount of time. However, she did manage to describe the meeting with his mother at her retirement ceremony. It had obviously disturbed Athon.

  “I think you should write a letter to the family of each of your crewmen. Tell them what you told me, including the stories. I think it will help you let it go, as well as give them closure. Let them know your grief. It won’t be an easy task, but will help you put them to rest in your mind.”

  Athon nodded. “I’ll try.”

  Cortez took a deep breath. “Now about your partner. You should tell her how you feel. Don’t keep it bottled up inside. It’s not healthy. When you bury anger, it festers. I want you to start keeping a journal about what you’re feeling. You don’t have to share it with anyone unless you want to, but it can help to write out why you’re angry or sad or happy. Can you do that?”

  “I think so.”

  “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”

  “I’m sorry to be so much trouble, Dr. Cortez.”

  “You aren’t, Major. You’ve just strayed from the path and need a little guidance.” Cortez stood and glanced down at her appointment calendar. “I’d like to see you again in a week. If you have any problems between now and then, don’t hesitate to call me.”

  ATHON SPENT A few hours each evening writing down her thoughts about each member of her former crew. She would use them when she composed a letter to each of their families and attempt to explain why it had taken her so long to write and express her grief. She was emotionally drai
ned by the time she crawled into bed next to Lauren. After her eyes adjusted to the dim light from a guard lamp in the old junk yard, she rolled onto her side and folded an arm under her head. She looked at the calm features of Lauren’s face and watched her chest rise and fall evenly. Lauren’s hand lay next to her head, occasionally twitching. Athon could tell by the movement beneath Lauren’s eyelids that she was dreaming. She hoped it was a good dream. Lauren was always tired when she came home from work, but seemed to become more energized as she relived her day for Athon.

  Even though intimacy remained a problem between them, Athon rose early each morning and prepared breakfast for Lauren. She packed a lunch, sometimes throwing in a special treat. Lauren called every day to see how Athon was doing. It was a routine and Athon needed routine. She even began to look forward to Lauren’s brief kiss before she left for work each morning. Through most of October they settled into a more or less peaceful life together.

  “DON'T FORGET OUR open house is tomorrow evening,” Pat said as she stuck her head into Lauren’s office after school near the end of October.

  “I’m not likely to forget that, Pat,” Lauren said with a smile. “I might just stay here after school tomorrow instead of wasting gas driving back and forth.”

  “My place isn’t far from here,” Pat said. “Why don’t we go there for dinner and relax for an hour or two before we have to be back for the thundering herd?”

  Lauren stuck out her bottom lip and nodded. “That sounds like a definite plan. I’ll look forward to it,” she said with a smile. “Thank you.”

  “Hell,” Pat said with a light laugh, “if you’re like me it’s worth it to run around barefooted for a while.”

  “No argument there,” Lauren said as she pulled her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk and turned off the lamp. She took her cell phone from her pocket as she followed Pat down the hallway toward the entrance to the school and toward the parking lot. They chatted as Lauren waited for Athon to answer. She smiled when she finally said, “On my way. Should be there in about forty minutes.” After a brief pause she added, “Love you, too.”