Uncovering Peace

by Steffy Rogers

  It’s time to look towards the future. I’ll no longer let anything keep myself from finding my happiness.

  “Shall we go in?” I ask. Awkward silence again. It seems like I’m not the only one who doesn’t know what to make of this situation.

  “Yes. Let’s do this,” my mom answers. Time to close this chapter. Once and for all.

  Chapter 22

  Seth

  I lead Faith and her mom inside. I feel like I should leave them alone to discuss everything but I want to be there for Faith. She shouldn’t have to face this by herself.

  We’re all seated in the living room and Faith starts picking invisible lint off her jeans. Her posture is rigid and I can tell how uncomfortable she is. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Maybe we should’ve let it be but Faith deserves answers or it’ll always keep her from moving forward.

  I grab her hand and squeeze it hoping I can be some kind of comfort for her. I know this isn’t easy on her. I can’t even imagine the pain she’s been feeling. I know what it’s like to be haunted by nightmares but this – this is different.

  “What do you want to know, Faith? I’m sure you have millions of questions.” Gina finally breaks the silence. Faith nervously looks up at me and I nod at her for reassurance. It’s now or never.

  “Why did you leave us? Why did you leave me with him?” That’s my girl, straight to the point.

  Gina shifts uncomfortably in her seat. I’m sure it’s hard on her too but I honestly don’t care. Faith is the only person that I’m worried about.

  “Your dad and I met in high school. We were high school sweethearts basically. We both went off to the same college but then I became pregnant with you. While he finished school I dropped out and stayed home so I’d take care of you. We fought every month to make ends meet but it didn’t matter because we had each other and you. That’s all that mattered. When you started school I had the chance to go back to college but I was older than all these college kids. So I decided it wasn’t worth it and took up some odd jobs here and there while your dad followed his dream of being a teacher. I always felt like I was pulled back. After a while I started resenting him for being able to follow his dreams. I got overwhelmed by my anger towards him and my guilt towards you to never properly be able to provide for you. Your dad and I started fighting more often but always found our way back to each other. One day though the anger was eating away at me so while you were at school and Dad was at work I packed my bags and left. It didn’t take but two days till I regretted my decision. I missed you and your father so bad. As I told you in my letter I let fear stop me from coming back for my family. I ended up in Kansas and after working a couple of bar jobs I finally enrolled back in school to get my degree in Human Resources. That’s where I met John. He was a professor at the college I attended. We were friends at first but once I finished my degree we grew closer. Two years later we got married. I never forgave myself for walking away from you. If I can say one thing it is that I’ve missed you every single day of the last twenty years, but I just knew you hated me. Of course you would. What I did is inexcusable. The only thing that kept me afloat was that I knew you were in good hands. Or at least that’s what I thought. Never in my life did I imagine your father would harm you. I had no idea.”

  “He fucking raped me,” Faith interrupts her mother. The anger is palpable on her face. She looks like she’s about to strangle the woman in front of her. “I was eight for fuck’s sake when he did it for the first time. Do you have any idea how much it hurt to first lose you then to lose the man I loved so much? He blamed me. He blamed me for you leaving. When he didn’t rape me he treated me as if I didn’t exist. I had to fend for myself. I’d have to live off the little money he would throw my way every once in a while for groceries. Most of my childhood consisted of somehow surviving. Instead of enjoying being a child I had to grow up real quick. I had no friends in school – I was always the odd one, the one no one wanted to talk to. I wore the rattiest clothes and was nothing but skin and bones. Do you know how hard it was to live in a house that once was so filled with love but quickly turned into a nightmare? The monsters you always warned me about when I was younger? Yeah, it was living right under our fucking roof. It took me eight years to gather enough courage to run away finally. That’s how I ended up here. Lord knows what would’ve happened if Caige didn’t find me when he did. His aunt took me in even though she was unsure of me. She was the mom you should’ve been. I don’t give a flying fuck that you thought we were holding you back. It’s not my fault you and Dad didn’t know how to use protection. If you didn’t want to have children maybe you should’ve made him wrap it.”

  “Faith, I’m so sorry.”

  “No, you’re not. You come in here and act like you were the victim in all this. The victim is sitting right in front of you. It’s me. I’m the one who had to hide. I’m the one who was robbed of a normal childhood. I’m the one who had to learn how to trust people again and to this day it’s still so fucking hard. If only you would’ve come back for me, things could’ve been so different. It’s your fault he did what he did to me.”

  “Please don’t say that, Faith. I had no idea. He loved you so much. You were his princess and I’d be so jealous of your relationship.”

  “Guess what? You can have it. You can have the “relationship” he and I had. Maybe then you’ll be able to put yourself in my shoes. I’ll never forgive you or him for what you did to me. You walked away and let it happen. A loving mother would never leave her child no matter what. I bet my brothers never had to worry about all that. Do you see this?” Faith is pointing at the scars on her arms. I still cringe seeing them knowing that they symbolize the pain she feels inside. Gina gasps throwing her hands up to her mouth. Tears are flooding her eyes. “This was the only way I knew how to deal with the fucked up life I was dealt. It took me years to overcome this. Now you walk in here thinking everything will be forgiven and forgotten.”

  “I don’t ask for your forgiveness. I can’t possibly expect that from you. If I would’ve known what he was doing to you I would’ve come back. You’ve got to believe me, Faith. I would’ve never tolerated that. I really had no idea.”

  “Of course you didn’t. You didn’t even try to stay in touch with me. No cards for my birthday, no calls, nothing. Dad tried to find you but you did a pretty good job making sure you weren’t leaving a trail. Fuck. I don’t even know what to think right now.” Faith is shaking and I know she’s close to breaking down. I need to get her mom out of here before things spin out of control.

  “Gina, I think it’s best if I call you a taxi. This is a little too much for Faith right now and I can’t blame her. Maybe we should do this another time.”

  “Of course, I booked a room at the Holiday Inn. If you want to talk to me again, Faith, I’ll be there for five days before I head back to Kansas.”

  I call a cab and bring Faith to our bedroom before seeing Gina out.

  “Thank you for being there for her. I can see how strong your love is. I’m glad she has you. Seth, I really had no idea. I’m not a monster. I was young and scared. That doesn’t excuse my behavior but if anyone can get through to her it’s you. Cory told me he hurt her but I never in my life imagined this. I can’t even wrap my head around this right now. Please, Seth, I beg you, you have to make her believe that I had no idea.”

  “I’ll talk to her but I’ll always do what’s right for Faith. If she chooses not to have anything to do with you, you’ll have to accept that.”

  “I will. It’s my own fault. If I wasn’t such a failure as her mother all of this would’ve never happened.”

  We say our goodbyes and she walks out to catch the cab that just pulled up to the curb.

  I walk back inside just to find our bedroom empty. I walk to the bathroom but the door is locked. Fuck.

  “Faith? Please, baby, let me in.” I get no answer. All I hear is Faith’s sobbing. Shit. I should’ve known this was too much for her.

&
nbsp; “Peach, please let me in. Please don’t do what you’re about to do. We’ll do this together. You don’t have to hurt yourself. Please, open the damn door.”

  “Go away, Seth. Just leave me alone.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. If you don’t open the fucking door I’ll kick it in.”

  I get no answer again. I gather all my strength and kick the door a few times till it finally comes off its hinges. I find Faith crouched on the floor holding a razorblade to her arms. Fuck me. I thought I had done a thorough job in getting rid of all of them. I get on my knees in front of her.

  “Don’t do this, Faith. It’s not worth it. I know you feel like the world is closing in on you right now. I can’t promise you that it will be okay but through it all I will always be by your side.” I grab her hand and slowly pry the razorblade from her hands. She’s in some kind of state of shock right now. I feel so helpless. I pull her into my arms when she starts thrashing her fists at my chest. I just take it and let her get it all out. After a while exhaustion claims her and she slumps into my arms.

  “Why, Seth? What did I do to deserve all this? She only came here so she would feel less guilty. She doesn’t care about me, she never has and she never will. All my life all I wanted was for her to love me, to come back for me, to tell me it’s going to be okay. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for Caige and Aunt Martha. I probably would’ve ended up on the street hooked on meth or some shit. I know I should be grateful but I can’t help but resent the life I was given.”

  “It’s okay for you to feel that way, love. Your life wasn’t easy but it made you the strong, independent, beautiful and loving woman that you are. I honestly don’t know what to say to help you right now. Words are just that – words. I want to show you that this life, your life, is worth living. I can’t change what happened to you in the past but I can make sure your future is better. I’ll always love you, cherish you and treat you like you deserve to be treated – with love. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making sure you always know how deep my love runs for you. We’ll deal with your past together, you’re not alone anymore. You have me. You also have Caige, Skye, Braden, Abby and Aunt Martha. One day we’ll also have a family of our own. That’s all we need, Faith. Whenever things get too much for you and you feel like you need to pick up that damn razorblade again you come to me. We will face whatever comes our way together.”

  “I’m sorry for everything I’m putting you through, Seth. I’m a disaster. I don’t know how you put up with my shit but I’ll never take it for granted.”

  “I love you, Faith. There’s nothing you or anyone can do to change it that. My life was dark until you came into it. You’re my light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever I feel the dark trying to pull me in again I think of you. That’s enough to pull me back out. You have no idea how much your love and your smile affects me. I’ll make sure there’s always a smile on your face from now on.”

  “I love you so much,” Faith says and gently kisses me.

  “I love you too, Peach.”

  I know we still have a long way to go. Today was the first step for Faith to find closure finally and I’ll be by her side every step of the way. We’re in this together.

  Chapter 23

  Faith

  -6 years old-

  Daddy came home from work today with a big gift for me. I’m so excited to open it but he says I have to finish dinner first before I can find out what it is.

  “Kat, eat your beans. Otherwise you can’t open Daddy’s present,” Mommy says. Mommy is so pretty. Daddy always says I look just like her. I always giggle when he tells me that we are his princesses. When I grow up I want to live in a castle. But not with a boy. Only with Mommy and Daddy. Daddy always says boys have cooties and I need to stay away from them. I don’t know what that means but if he says they are not good enough I’ll listen to him.

  “Look, Mommy. The beans are all gone! Can I open it now? Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

  “Yes, my sweet girl. Let’s go open your gift,” Daddy says and gets down in front of me so I can jump on his back. He races through the house pretending he’s an airplane. Daddy is so silly, he always makes me and Mommy laugh. He sits me down in front of the gift. I jump up and down clapping my hands. My parents don’t buy me toys very often because Mommy doesn’t work. It’s okay though. I don’t need many toys as long as I have them. They explained to me that love is much more important than having toys. It’s also important that we always have food. They’re right. Life would be boring without delicious pancakes. Mommy always shapes them to look like a teddy bear. She’s the best Mommy ever.

  “Open it, Kat. I betcha you’ll love it.”

  Giggling I tear down all the wrapping paper. It’s a brand new Barbie house. It’s the one Mommy and I saw at the mall not too long ago. I run up to Daddy and give him a big hug. Now all my Barbies have a new home.

  “Thank you, Daddy. Can we put it up right now? Pleeeeeeease!!!”

  “Sweet girl, you need to thank Mommy too. She’s the one who told me about it.”

  “Thank you, Mommy. I love you.”

  “I love you too, babygirl.” She smiles at me lovingly. “Why don’t you change into your pajamas? Daddy and I will carry the house to your room and just maybe we will set it up right away.”

  Squealing I run to my bedroom to change like Mommy asked me to. I put on my favorite pajamas as fast as I can and run back down the hallway to watch them carry the house upstairs.

  “I have a Barbie house! I have a Barbie house! Today is the best day ever! It’s like Christmas just in summer!” I whirl around in circles because I’m super excited.

  Finally they make it to my room and I help Daddy open the box. We sit together forever putting the house together while Mommy watches us. I keep looking back at her and she’s smiling at us. We’re a happy family. Mommy always says that we may not have much, but together we have it all.

  We finish putting the house together. It’s so tall – it’s almost as tall as I am.

  “Can I play a bit before bed, Daddy?”

  “Not tonight, princess. It’s late and you have school in the morning. But tomorrow after you finish your homework you can play,” he responds. I start pouting. “No pouting. The house is not going anywhere. It’s all yours and you can play with it every day from now on.”

  “Okay, Daddy.” I wrap my arms around his leg hugging him. I have the best daddy in the world. He will always make sure I’m safe.

  “Mommy, will you read me a bedtime story?” I turn to my mommy. Usually Daddy reads to me at night, but I want her to read to me.

  She smiles at me before she answers, “Of course, I will. Are you sure you don’t want Daddy to read to you?”

  “No. You.” I climb in bed. She grabs my favorite princess book and climbs in bed with me.

  “Goodnight, princess. I love you both so much.” Daddy kisses us both on the cheek before he leaves my room.

  Mommy starts reading a story about a girl who had a very mean stepmother and two evil sisters. I’m so sad for her. They’re mean girls and she’s so nice. Mommy continues to read the story. The girl finally finds her Prince Charming but she has to run away from him at the ball. In the end he finds her and they live happily ever after.

  “One day you will find your Prince Charming too, my sweet girl. You just make sure he treats you like the princess that you are.”

  “But Daddy says boys have cooties and stink.”

  “Your dad’s just silly. Not all boys have cooties and stink.”

  “Is Daddy your Prince Charming?”

  “Yes, yes he is.”

  “Good. Because I want us to always be together.” I yawn and close my eyes. I have to sleep so I can play with my Barbies the next day.

  “We will be, babygirl, I promise. I love you and Daddy so very much.”

  “I love you too, Mommy. You’re the bestest mom ever. Not like the evil stepmom in that story.”

  She l
aughs and gets up out of my bed. “Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

  “Goodnight.”

  Before the door closes I hear her whispering something about wanting to be a child again. I don’t know what that means and before I can think about it I fall asleep.

  Chapter 24

  Faith

  Ever since I met with my mom two months ago I keep having the same dream over and over again. It was a memory that I had long forgotten. I never thought about the happy moments with my parents but this was one of them. Sometimes I’ll wake from the dream and be mad at her all over again. She promised we would always be together.

  After Seth asked her to leave that day I couldn’t build up the strength to see her again. It was too painful. I talk to her every once in a while on the phone but that is about all I can handle. I just can’t get over how much she hurt me. My dream keeps reminding me how happy we really were and how much love was surrounding us. I don’t understand how she could throw all that away. I’ll probably never understand. She wants me to fly out to Kansas, but I’m not ready for that yet. I’m not ready to meet my brothers and see that they have a much better childhood than I ever had. It sounds selfish but that should’ve been my life. I should’ve been wrapped in a blanket of my mother’s love, not them. Instead I got the monster that is my father.

  So far he has held true to his word and has not came back. I hope he stays wherever it is that he lives. My guess is that he went back to Seattle. A girl can hope.

  “Are you ready?” Seth comes up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist.

  “I’ll be out in five minutes. Will you finally tell me where you are taking me?”

  “No, that’s a surprise. Just make sure you have your passport.”

  “It’s been in my purse for days now. Just give me a hint, will you?”