“The same as everyone else. Everything,” he said with a solemn smile.
My mind was made up. Something in Dex’s voice spoke to me, I couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, but whatever it was, it made me feel completely at ease. My hands had stopped shaking, my mind had stopped racing and my heartbeat was the most steady it had been in years. I think I have found someone who finally gets me.
“When do I start?”
Chapter Seventeen
Logan
Bang. Bang. Bang.
What the fuck is that noise? Please tell me that was someone banging on the door, and not a constant throb in my head. I really had no fucking energy to deal with it, not today.
"Open the god damn door, Logan."
I could hear Tate shouting from the other side of the door. Thank god. I peeled open my eyes and looked around the room. The shoes I wore last night are on opposite sides of room. One on Tate's bed, the other near the door. Jesus.
Rubbing my eyes, I gently sat up. My body screamed from the movement. Christ. I needed to stop drinking so much. Looking down, I realized I'm still in last night clothes too. Fantastic, I bet I smell like beer and ass.
"Logan, I swear, if you're still in that damn pit I'm going to give you such a beat down!" Tate shouted from the door. "Open this door."
Shit, I must have locked it last night when I stumbled in.
"Alright douchebag. Lower the fucking volume, it's only ..." I turned to my alarm clock and almost swallow my tongue. "What the fuck! Tate, it's 8am! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Just open the door before I drop this fucking coffee!"
Coffee! Thank god for small mercies.
Slowly, I pulled my ass out of bed. The room spun, and for a moment I was sure I would fall on my face. Inhaling hard, I focused on a spot on the wall. My head slowly began to de-fog after a couple of minutes. Jesus, no more vodka.
Making my way to the door, I kicked my shoe out of the way and unlocked the door, letting a pretty pissed off Tate into the room. He glared at me as he dumped three coffees in my hands. Three?
"Are we expecting someone?" I asked.
"Hey, little dick."
I groaned. It's Low. Great, just what I needed when I'm hung over, a pissed off best friend and his chipper girlfriend, all rolled into a fucked up 8am wake up call.
"Mornin', big ass." I chuckled.
Low turned her head, taking a look at her ass before glaring at me. So easy. Ha! She quickly turned to me, giving me a sadistic smile. Shit. Her hand swiftly connected with the back of my head. I could almost feel my brain colliding with the front of my head. Jesus.
"The fuck!" I said, cupping my head in my hands. "That hurt!"
"Get a shower, you smell like ass." She laughed. "And do something with your hair, you look like a hobo."
I growled at her before walking into the en-suite, grumbling as I heard Tate laughing in the other room.
The hot water felt amazing against my skin, waking me up and clearing away the swimming sensation in my head. The water lulled me softly as I washed my hair. I think of Neva, hoping to god she's getting better. I was so close to giving in and calling her. There had been times when I wanted to, it got so bad that I nearly smashed my phone against a wall. As I washed the suds out of my hair, the water turned Arctic cold.
"Holy fucking shit!" I jumped, moving out from under the spray of water.
I could hear Low chuckling, but it wasn't from the other side of the door. She was in here. What the hell?!
"Low, what the hell are you doing?" I asked, pulling the shower curtain close to my body, trying to hide the necessities.
"I needed to talk to you without Tate hearing. This was the best place." She shrugged.
I heard the sound of the toilet lid shutting. Shit, she was sitting on the damn toilet to talk to me. I wasn't going to get out of this without her seeing my junk. Fuck.
"Was the cold water thing part of your plan?" I said through gritted teeth. Jesus, I'm freezing.
"No, I didn't think turning on the cold tap would make the shower run cold. That was just a bonus." She giggled.
I rolled my eyes. Jesus. Turning off the shower, I rub my hands over my shoulders.
"Here," she said, passing me a towel through the curtain.
I mumbled a thank you before wrapping it around my waist. I still had suds in my god damn hair and I was freezing, but thankfully Low couldn't see my shit. I stepped out of the shower, spotting Low sitting on the toilet seat, leaning back with her arms crossed over her chest. She raised her right brow and laughs, clearly finding me half naked with suds in my damn hair amusing.
"Can you make this quick? I'm freezing my balls off and I have soap running into my eyes." I sighed.
She looks at me for a moment, cocking her head to the side. I raise my right brow, mirroring her own. What the hell does she want? My teeth started to clatter as the cold floor seeped through my feet, and the steam disappeared from the room.
"I'm just trying to find out what the hell possessed you to get into bed with Georgia."
Trust Low to be the brutally honest one, and where the hell had she heard that? I growled. Fucking Tate.
"Are we really having this conversation, right now, in the middle of a bathroom while I'm half naked and cold?" I grunted.
"Hell yes we are having this conversation now. I couldn't care less if your wang is hanging out or not, Logan. We are having this conversation." She scoffed.
Jesus. I inwardly laughed at the word wang. I shook my head, controlling the childish humor in me. I thought for a moment, not sure what the hell to tell her. I mean, what the hell do you tell the best friend of the woman you love? I didn't think telling her I couldn't remember half of last night was such a good idea. So, I tell her the truth.
"I miss her so much it hurts." I sighed, bowing my head. It hurts just fucking admitting it to her. "I miss her like I would miss my left arm. She is my Achilles' heel, my weakness, my addiction. My everything, and I damn well miss her."
I looked up to find tears streaming down Low's face. Oh shit. What did I do now?
"Low..." I started, but I'm quickly cut off with a wave of her hand.
She gathered herself together, taking deep breaths and wiping her face.
"Logan, I haven't always been a fan of yours. You are a man-whore, someone who can't keep his dick in his pants for five minutes."
"What-"
"Let me finish!" She glared, but her eyes softened as she went on. "But I can see how much you love her. You let her go when she needed to get better. You all but collapse in the hospital hallway, and now you are going back to your old ways because you don't know how to function without her. I can see it, Logan. Tate doesn't understand it, but I do. I get it. So my only question is ... what the hell are you waiting for? Go and fight for the woman you love."
"It's just not that simple, Low. I wish it was," I whispered.
Turning around, I grabbed another towel. Wrapping it around my shoulders, I took a seat on the floor. I closed my eyes as I wiped my face of the water and suds that were now halfway down my neck.
"It can be that simple if you want it to," she said.
I stopped mid-wipe. Was it really that simple? Even if I went to her, would she have me? She was betrayed by Angel not that long ago, what makes Low so sure she would even want to be touched? Or even loved? She was too delicate, I didn't want to fuck it up any more than I already have.
"If it was that simple, I would have done it a long time ago, Low." I wrapped the towel back around my shoulders.
"What happened to the Logan White who was fearless? The guy who was always optimistic, huh? What happened, Logan?"
A sudden surge of rage ran through my veins, who did she think she was to ask those questions? She didn't know about me, she didn't know about Neva, or even what we had for the minutes we finally let go. She had no idea.
"What happened? The fuck should I know? What do you want from me, Low? Do you want me to get down on
my god damn knees and beg her to take me back? I would if we were ever together! We had sex, we had one night of amazing sex that makes all of the sex I had before pale in comparison. I poured my fucking heart out and finally told her how I feel, and she still left. She left to be with the man who didn't know about the shit that killed her slowly in her sleep. Then it turns out he is the son of the man who killed her god damned father! What the fuck do you want me to do, Low? Please, tell me, because I am running out of ideas here."
She slowly stood and made her way over to me. Crouching down beside me, she looked me right in the eyes and whispered to me.
"You fight."
She smiled tightly at me before walking out of the bathroom, leaving me on the floor with more questions than answers.
Could I really go back to her after what I had done? I had left her and now I didn’t know if she would want to see me, I just didn’t know what to do. I love her so damn much, but I don’t want to hurt her, I want her to get better.
“Fuck,” I whispered, putting my head in my hands. What a mess.
I didn’t know why, but right now my mind was telling me to go and get her, make her understand why I did what I did. Jumping up from the floor, I threw on some jeans and a white shirt. I needed to see her, suds in my hair or not, I needed to get to her.
Chapter Eighteen
Neva
Today was my first day back at college since ... well, since him. I could feel eyes on me no matter where I went, if it weren't for Low constantly being at my side, I would have probably walked right out of the building. The problem with living in a small town was everyone knew everything. I bowed my head as I walked through the crowded corridor to my music class. I was nervous. I knew Angel wasn't there, I knew his place at the college had been terminated, but I could still feel my heartbeat hitch when I saw the classroom door.
"Hey," Low said, stopping me mid-stride. "You'll be fine, I promise. He isn't in there. Just concentrate on the professor and you will be fine."
I smiled tightly. I knew she was right, I needed to take some control.
"I know. It's just a little weird," I muttered.
"Whatever happens, even if you need to leave the room, you can call me. I'll come right away, I promise," she said, pulling me into a tight hug.
I smiled as I pull back from Low's arms. I knew I needed to start getting on with life, but life was becoming harder when the person who saved you from it was nowhere in sight. I hadn't spoken to Logan for weeks now, it felt as if I were missing a part of me. But, he left me. He left me while I sat in a hospital bed covered head to toe in bruises. I understood what he was trying to do, but it didn't mean it hurt any less.
"Go and kick some musical ass." Low winked.
"Musical ass? Low, you watch far too much television." I giggled.
"And you don't watch enough. Now, go and kick some ass before I kick yours."
I nodded slowly and make my way into my music class. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed Low still standing there with a smile on her face. I felt lighter, more determined and I wondered if she could feel it too.
As I walked into the room, I scanned the seats. I knew he wasn't here but I was jumpy as hell. When I first stepped into this room at the start of the semester, I had taken a seat at the back of the class, seemingly trying to hide from prying eyes. I didn't want to sit there today. That was where we sat, and I didn't want to fall back into old habits. No, today I took my seat at the very front, right there in front of the professor.
The class moved by smoothly. The professor talked about the dynamics of music, about how it can be used in different scenarios. One of the scenarios caught my attention. It was about using music as a form of therapy, helping people from small children to the elderly, and more specifically, people who suffered with mental illness. It got me to thinking, could it be possible to treat PTSD with music therapy? I jotted down some notes in my notepad. I would ask Dr. Marsh when I saw her next week.
My therapy sessions, in the beginning, were every day for the first couple of weeks. Now, they were twice a week, lasting an hour. Eventually, Dr. Marsh managed to get everything out of me, how I felt about what happened with Angel and his father, about what happened between Angel and me, and why I decided to choose someone who didn't know me. She knew everything; now we were working on changing the way I thought about those things, and how I could use them in everyday life. Dr. Marsh not only saved my mind, but my sanity.
Walking out from class, I made a mental note to talk to the class administrator about adding courses. I wondered if they would let me pick up the psychology course. Dr. Marsh said it herself, in order for me to heal, I need to understand PTSD.
As I made my way to The Spot, mine and Low's meeting spot, I wondered what Logan was doing right now. I hadn't seen nor heard from him, but from what Low had told me, he had been kicked off of the football team. I knew, unlike some others, Logan wasn't interested in becoming a pro player. Logan was interested in architecture, he always said he would love to design his own home.
"So? How did it go?" Low said, bouncing towards me in her usual chipper mood.
Standing on the field near our meeting place, I instinctively checked to see Logan. But, I knew he wasn't here. I mean, why would he be? If he wanted to see me, he wouldn't have left the hospital.
"It went surprisingly pretty good." I smiled tightly, my eyes still darted around the area just in case I caught a glimpse of him. But, I didn't. Nothing.
"That's awesome! I'm so proud of you." She smiled. "Oh, hey. Do you want to go shopping later? I need some new boots, these things are falling apart."
I looked down at her feet and sure enough, I could see the sole of her boot inching its way away from the boot itself. I really wanted to spend some time with Low, but I started work tonight with Dex.
"I can't, I start my new job tonight."
"You never actually told me where your new job is," she said as we walked back to the campus.
I didn't want to lie to Low, but I had no idea how she would react if I told her I was working at the bar that Angel had taken me to. The bar that I had sung in. I couldn't tell her; what the hell would she think?
"Neva? Are you okay? You look a little pale," she said, putting her palm against my forehead as if checking for a fever.
"I'm fine," I mumbled. "I think that music class took it out of me. I'm going to head back to the dorm."
"Okay. I'm heading out tonight with Tate, so I will probably crash at his place." She looked up at me with somber eyes. "You'll call me if you need me, right?"
"Of course." I nodded.
I walked back to the dorm with a heavy feeling after not telling my best friend about my new job, but I didn’t want her to talk me out of it. She knew that's where Angel had taken me, and would more than likely tell me it was a bad idea. I needed a distraction; this was my next best thing.
Dex had texted me an hour ago, letting me know his shift starts at 9pm, while mine starts at 7pm. I would be working behind the bar with Dex and Trix, who I was assuming was the woman he called a whore. I'm nervous, but excited to be finally starting a new chapter in my life.
I threw myself into the shower, making sure I washed my hair thoroughly. I used my coconut body wash and shaved my legs. The water was hot against my skin as I finished up. Climbing out, I grabbed a towel and dried my hair. Wrapping a clean towel around my body, I walked back into the room and opened my closet. I was mindful that I was taking extra care to get ready for tonight, but something inside was telling me not to mess this up.
Pulling out some denim shorts, I inspected them carefully. No, too much. After twenty minutes, I finally decided on a pair of faded dark blue jeans and a ripped, black Jack Daniels top. The rips in the top are set above the bust, going from right to left. By the time I dried my hair, the ends had already started to dry. I quickly ran the hairdryer over my hair and threw it up into a messy bun; I didn't really have time to flat iron it anyway.
I decide
d on light makeup. A small amount of mascara, a little blush on my cheeks and a swipe of gloss on my lips. Once I finished, I put on my Chucks. There wasn't need for anything fancy on my feet, they would only get full of beer. I was ready with an hour to spare. The bar was only a thirty minute walk, if I walk quickly.
Suddenly, a pounding on the door broke through my thoughts. I rolled my eyes. It's probably Low, no doubt she has forgotten her keys, again. The pounding starts again. Jesus.
"Okay, okay. Christ, Low." I laughed before opening the door. "The hell -"
My body froze. I was completely immobile. Standing on the other side of my door was ... Logan. His chest was heaving as he sucked in air hard and fast. His hair wet, and sticking to the side of his face. My heart pounded as we stared at each other. He was leaning against the door frame with his right arm bent at the elbow, his eyes never leaving mine.
I couldn't breathe. Suddenly, my ripped Jack Daniels shirt is too tight, as if it's restricting the air flowing through my lungs. But I knew it wasn't my shirt causing it. It's my heart skipping a beat as it recognized the other aching heart in front of it. My heart recognized his scent, and every time I inhaled, it beat faster.
Even if I could get my brain to function at a normal social level right now, I knew I still wouldn't be able to produce anything from my mouth other than garbled noise. I wouldn't even know what to say. I wanted to lash out at him, scream until my face turned purple and my eyes bulged out of my own head. But at the same time, I wanted to grab onto him, hold him close and never let him go.
Then he straightened, seemingly catching his breath. I lost all sense of, well, everything. He took a step forward into the room, and at the same time I took one back. It's not a conscious decision, my mind was in the fight or flight, my head and my heart were going into battle over choosing if I wanted to stay or run.
He took another step, now standing completely in the room. I took another step back. His right eyebrow cocked as he noticed that I was backing away. I waited for his next move. We still haven't spoken, and the air in the room feels as though it's decreasing. I waited, balling my hands into fists by my side, watching and waiting. He suddenly kicked the door shut behind him, the slam of the door made me jump slightly.
Finding Me (Bad Boy #2) Page 12
