He stared me down before taking another step. I mirrored him, stepping back again. He shoved his hands in his pockets, it's as if he didn't know what to do with them. His eyes scanned me from top to toe, drinking me in before taking another step. I instinctively stepped back, but when I do, my lower back collided with the bedside cabinet that separated my bed from Low's.
My breathing caught, and I knew that if he took just one more step, he would be so close to my body he could become a second skin. His breathing had turned back into the hard pants like before, hard and sure as he took in each breath. I closed my eyes, counting back slowly.
5 …
4 …
3 …
2 …
1 …
Nothing, I didn't feel anything. My eyes flickered open and land on his as I waited again, wondering what his next move was going to be. I started to open my mouth, but just as I did, he took the last step between us.
Warmth, my body was engulfed in warmth as Logan pressed against the front of my body. I had no idea what to do. Do I duck and run out of the room? Or do I stay and find out exactly why he's here? But I don't get time to decide. Suddenly, his hands were no longer inside the pockets of his jeans, they were inching toward my face. Even if I wanted to move now, I don't think I could.
He slowly slid his left hand behind the back of my head, gripped my hair tie and pulled it out gently. My hair landed down my back in messy waves. His hand moved and suddenly was in my hair, tangled between my locks. I get pulled forward, the tiniest of movement. But it's enough for my cheek to rest against his chest.
His arms engulfed my body, and I suddenly held on for dear life.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered as he places a gentle kiss against my hair.
I closed my eyes. For the tiniest moment, I basked in his warmth. My hands balled into fists around his back, clinging onto his shirt as I breathed him in. He was running his finger around the small of my back in those delicious circle motions, and I almost forgot what I'm doing. Almost.
I sharply pulled back, out of his embrace. I couldn't step out of his way, he has me all but pinned to the bedside cabinet behind me. I felt my heart quickening as I looked into his brown and green eyes, as a sudden rage engulfed me.
"You … you. You!" I was stuttering and mumbling over all the place. I couldn't even string together a coherent sentence. Get it together! "You ... left me."
His eyes were wide and for a moment, I saw a flash of fear. He stared at me for the longest of moments before dropping his head.
"I know," he whispered. "But I'm not sorry, not for leaving you. I'm sorry for what that bastard did to you. I don't think I ever told you I was sorry at the hospital. But, please understand, that I had to go, I had to make sure you got better without me constantly being there."
I was stunned. The rage was boiling in the pit of my stomach, violently sloshing around, ready to erupt at any moment.
"No phone call, Logan. Not a single phone call from you, and now you think you can just barge your way back in here and expect me to fall to my knees at the drop of a hat?" I asked, exasperated, raising my right brow.
"I know, and I'm sorry. But, I had to do it. I had to give you the space you needed to get better."
"I hate this! I hate what we have become, skirting around each other because I'm too damn weak. I didn't need your distance, Logan. I needed you."
I could feel the sting of tears collecting in the corners of my eyes. It's the first time I admitted it out loud; not only did I admit to being weak, but that I needed him more than he knew.
"I needed you and you left!" I shouted.
My hands were suddenly against his chest. I raised my right hand and balled it into a fist, throwing it down hard against his chest.
"You. Left. Me!" I screamed, my fists raining down on his hard chest over and over again.
I sobbed uncontrollably, my knees became weak and no longer able to hold my weight. I dropped, but Logan caught me with ease. His arms wrapped around my body and suddenly lifted me from the floor. I held on tight as I sobbed into his chest, and he just held me. He let me cry, running his palms down my back and rocking me gently.
After what seemed like an eternity, he moved and sat us down on my bed. He put his back against the wall, and pulled me onto his lap. The sobs had slowly turned into silent hiccups. Pulling back, I looked at his shirt; it's wet and covered in the small amount of mascara I had used.
"I ruined your shirt," I whispered, trying to rub out the marks with my fingers.
"It's just a shirt."
A smile slowly crept across his face as he pulled me in for another warm hug. I closed my eyes and gave in, holding on to him just as tight as he was holding on to me. I nuzzled his chest as he dropped his chin onto my head.
"Where do we go from here?" I asked tentatively.
I didn't even know what we were. Were we friends? What were we? We never once defined ourselves. I had always been weak, willing and waiting for him to protect me. But, I didn't want him to protect me, I wanted him to love me.
"Anywhere you want, baby," he whispered.
Chapter Nineteen
Logan
She had been cradled in my lap for the last twenty minutes. Her tears had stopped, and she was now holding on to me. My shirt was wet and sodden from where her tears landed. I couldn't give a shit about the shirt, I would let her cry on thousands of them if it meant being able to hold her like this.
We sat in silence as she calmed, clearly thinking over what I just said. It's the truth, I would go anywhere as long as she's by my side. I love her, but I didn't expect her to love me back. I would love her even if we were just friends.
Suddenly she shot up off of the bed, and I wanted to grab her and pull her back down onto my lap.
"Shit," she cursed. "Oh god, what time is it?" She frantically ran into the bathroom.
I looked down at my watch; it's 6:30pm.
"What's wrong? It's six thirty," I said, almost laughing as she flied about the room.
"My shift starts in half an hour and I'm going to be late." She was panicked.
Shift? What shift? Had she gotten herself a job?
"I start my first shift at the bar, and I need to get there!" she said quickly.
I pulled myself off of the bed, and stood behind her as she re-applied her makeup in the mirror.
"What bar?" I asked, staring at her in the mirror.
She quickly turned, looking at me with wide eyes. She was avoiding answering the question, I could see it. What was she hiding? She sighed dramatically.
"Dr. Marsh," she started, adding a coat of that sticky stuff to her lips, "she told me to start playing my guitar again, but with an audience. So, I signed up to the open mic night at Bones. I met a guy there, Dex, he works behind the bar. He offered me a job."
She was silent for such a long time, I realized I hadn't responded. I just stared at her, my eyes roaming every curve and line of her body. God, I had missed her. Just being around her made me feel … alive.
"That's a good thing right?" I whispered, still taking her in.
"I suppose. I'm just really nervous. The last time I was there, I sang." she mumbled the tail end of the sentence.
I remembered. My god, did I remember. Tate had called me that night and asked me to go and keep a watchful eye on her, he had told me she was at a bar with Angel. It was the first time Tate had met him and he instantly took a huge disliking to him. So, I went. I was expecting her to be sitting in a corner somewhere with him, but what I walked in on was far from what I had expected to see. She was on the small stage in the corner. She was singing, playing her father's guitar. She looked stunning. I couldn't keep my eyes off hers as she sang a song that tore right through my damn soul. So fucking beautiful.
I shook the memory from my thoughts, I couldn't go there right now.
"Would you like me to drive you?" I asked.
I didn't even know if she wanted me around, I didn't even know what I was fu
cking doing. I had walked away from her when she needed me, and now I would do everything I could to make sure I didn't fucking lose her again. I just couldn't stay away from her any more.
"I would really like that." She smiled.
For the next ten minutes, she ran in and out of the bathroom. She was really nervous, I could feel it in the fucking air as she moved past me. She grabbed her phone and some cash, and stuffed them into the back pocket of her jeans.
Eyes off, dude. She needs to trust you.
"Ready?" I coughed, hoping to hell she didn't just see me checking out her ass.
"Ready as I'll ever be." She smiled.
Her shoulder brushed past my own, and I swore I fucking quivered. Jesus. I needed to get my head in the game, otherwise I was going to fucking crack.
We made our way out of the dorm and down to the truck, and for some reason, I opened her fucking door. Everything inside me is telling me to love, to protect, to claim. But, I know I need to earn her trust; shit, I need her to earn mine. Everything had been spun on its head, and now I realized that it’s not just her who needed to heal. I did too.
Jumping into the truck, I started the engine and drove off campus. The drive was silent and when I looked over at Neva, I noticed she had pressed her forehead against the window. I didn't really know what do or say, so instead I turned on the stereo and turned up the music. Boyce Avenue floated through the speakers, playing the song 'Find Me.'
The lyrics all but sliced through me like a knife, the words seeped through my bones instantly. The song talks about a divided heart, and the one epic love that conquers all. The guitar strums as the chorus breaks through and I couldn't take any more. I quickly switched off the stereo and got hit with that wall of silence again.
I let the silence consume us, the unspoken words that I desperately wanted to say just hung from the tip of my tongue. But, I knew I couldn't say them, those four little words that would break apart something I only wished we had. I still love you.
After twenty more minutes of silence, we finally pulled up at the bar. Turning off the engine, my eyes landed on Neva, who was now fidgeting with her hands in her lap.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Her gaze landed on mine, and I couldn't help but drink her in. The light from the bar touched only one side of her face, the other left in dark shadows. It was breathtaking, a perfect picture of who she really is. One side dark and consumed with darkness, the other basking in the light she so desperately wanted.
"I'm nervous," she whispered.
"Baby, you will be fine. I promise," I said. I cringed when I hear myself call her baby. Realizing she might not feel comfortable with it. So I quickly changed the direction of the conversation. "Do you want me to pick you up when your shift finishes?"
"You don't have to. I can call Tate," she said softly.
That hurts. Really hurts.
"Okay," I whispered.
She gave me a tight smile before climbing out of the truck, and walking into the bar. I was frozen to the spot, both my hands turned white against the steering wheel from the strain of holding so tight.
When it came to her, I was a mess. She consumed my every thought, my every need and I could only lay down and take it. I could not live without her. Even if I couldn't have her for myself, she has always been mine. But now I couldn't help but think that for the first time she was completely unreachable.
Chapter Twenty
Neva
After leaving Logan in the truck the way I did, it ripped right through to my damaged heart. The tension between us was so strong, it's actually uncomfortable. I had missed him so much, it hit me with so much force that I stumbled into the bar, losing my footing and nearly falling on my face.
A warm arm suddenly wrapped around my waist and I was instantly aware of the goosebumps that covered my skin. I knew that warmth anywhere, I felt it only half an hour ago in my dorm. I turned and my eyes landed on Logan's. My skin flushed and I could feel myself burning up. My head grew dizzy and I almost buckled against him, but I managed to get my bearings. I needed to start my shift.
"Sorry," I muttered.
Pulling myself out of Logan's warm embrace, I made my way over to the bar. Standing with a smirk on his face was Dex. Fantastic.
"So, who's the man candy, cowgirl?" He chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I thought your shift wasn't until nine?" I asked, clearly avoiding the question.
He chuckles and shakes his head "Look who is deflecting now."
"Har, har," I said sarcastically.
"Come on, cowgirl, let’s get you set up before I hand lover boy over there a mop to clean up the drool he's leaving on the damn floor," he said, raising his voice so he could be heard over the chatter in the bar.
"Please stop talking," I whispered.
"Am I making you blush, cowgirl?" he said. I looked up and glared at him while he laughed at me. "Oh, red really isn't your color, doll. Hop on over and we will sort you out."
He gestured over the bar and I raised my eyebrow. There was no way for me to get directly behind the bar besides the back door. He seriously wasn't suggesting that I actually hop over the bar, right?
"Are you going to stop embarrassing me if I do?" I asked with a chuckle.
"Scouts honor. I promise," he said, holding up his right hand and doing the Spock hand gesture. I rolled my eyes as he flashed me a smirk.
Sighing, I turned around, my back resting against the bar as I braced my hands out either side of me on top of the bar. With a push, I hauled myself up and onto the bar. Swiveling my ass around, I swung my legs over and jumped down, landing on my feet.
"You know the bar opens up at the end over there, right?" Dex chuckled, pointing at a spot at the end of bar.
"Oh, you're an ass!" I said, slapping him on his chest.
"Ooof! Jesus, cowgirl. Workout much?" He laughed, rubbing the spot where I just hit him.
In all of my embarrassment, I had forgotten Logan had come into the bar. Turning, I spotted him taking a seat on an empty bar stool, halfway down the bar. Crap. I thought he was going home. Why was he in here? He kept his eyes down, not once looking up at me. I sighed. What a mess.
"Come on, I need to show you the ropes." He chuckled.
Dex lead me into the back room. I took a quick glance over my shoulder at Logan, his eyes were trained to the bar in front of him. He didn't once look up. I pulled myself together for the sake of Dex. He had seen right through me the day I walked in here, and flat out refused me saying no to his job offer. It was sudden. It was completely unexpected, but I couldn't feel happier.
My body suddenly froze as we walked further into the back room. The walls were lined with shelves in which bottle after bottle of alcohol waited for their next victim. I was hit with the realization this might not be a good idea. My father was a victim of someone else's alcohol abuse. Did I really want to work in a bar, where alcohol fuels the customers? Wondering if they would get into a car after leaving?
Dex must have felt my trepidation, because what came out of his mouth next, took me completely by surprise.
"Alcohol is nothing more than an aid. You can be as blind ass drunk you can get, but there will always be a thought or an idea in the back of your mind to want to do some of the stupid ass shit. The alcohol aids the thought, it doesn't cause it."
Speechless. What he said made so much sense, yet confused the hell out of me. I didn't know how to respond, how to even process what he had said. So, I stayed silent.
He sighed and picked up a large bottle of vodka.
"Everyone is running, Neva," he whispered before handing me the bottle.
I held the bottle in my hands as he grabbed a couple more. Tension filled the room as we stayed silent, the only noise was the sound of the bottles clinking together as he handed me another. I needed to say something to lighten the mood, I didn't want to start off my first shift with a dark cloud hanging over us.
"I thought I was working with Trix t
onight?" I asked.
I hadn't seen her yet. It's not as if you could miss her, really, her tattoos were so bright and beautiful that she stood out of the crowd.
"You are." He chuckled.
Just as I raised my right in question, I heard the door behind me bang open.
"I swear to god, if you leave your shit lying around my house one more time Dexter McDouche, I will actually make you sleep on that bar!"
Turning around, I saw a very pissed off Trix. But I couldn't help but laugh. Dexter McDouche? Surely not?
"Really?" I laughed, tuning to Dex.
"What? You're kidding. No, that really isn't my last name, cowgirl. It's La Douche," he said with a belly laugh.
I sensed there was going to be a battle to actually find out his last name.
"Cowgirl, this is Trix. She is going to be working with us tonight. Don't mind anything that comes out of her dirty mouth." He winked.
I turned my gaze to Trix and watched her roll her eyes at Dex. She was sporting mainly leather. Tight black leather pants and V-neck red shirt, topped off with a leather waist coat. Her jet black hair piled high at the top of her head, loose pieces of hair fell around her face. She was wearing smoky makeup again but this time her lips were lined red, showing off her black lip ring that sat in the corner of her mouth.
"Dex, get your hot ass behind that bar and look impossibly pretty," she said and pointed to the door. Dex flashed a cocky smile and smacked Trix's ass on the way out the door.
"Ignore that idiot. The name is Trixie McGuire. People call me Trix. Now, I don't think your momma would have called you Cowgirl, right?"
"No, you can blame Dex for that." I laughed. "It's Neva. Neva James."
"So, Neva, Neva James." She chuckled. "You work behind a bar before?"
"No, but I'll give it a shot."
"I can work with that. It's simple, they tell you what they want, you give it to them... Alcohol, obviously. Most of our shit is bottled, we don't do beer on tap besides some weird shit that only one of our customer’s drinks. We have a fifteen bottle cap rule in here. No more than fifteen bottles per customer; if they try any funny shit, our resident bouncer, Lou, will take their asses out."
Finding Me (Bad Boy #2) Page 13
