Among the Flames

by Lya Lively

  She rolled her eyes, “How do you think? Noah texted us that you were moving out. Plus, you’re carrying your suitcase.” I’d become so used to it I almost completely forgot I’d been holding it.

  “Okay,” I shrugged, hiding the spark in my chest at the sound of his name. “Well, bye I guess,” I said walking around her.

  But she awkwardly skipped around in front of me. “Nope, I can’t let you do that.” She was smiling an odd smile.

  I furrowed my thick eyebrows back at her, “You can’t stop me.”

  She squinted at this, “Look, I like you. But I’m not doing this for me. And whether or not it’s your intent, you know this is going to hurt him.”

  I flinched at this as if she had physically struck me with the palm of her hand. “He needs me to go,” I said in a small voice.

  “No,” and she just shook her head. “He most certainly doesn’t need another person to walk out of his life.” Her voice was rough as if a lump had formed in her throat while she chewed the inside of her cheek, sucking it in. “He doesn’t deserve that kind of a disappointment, again.”

  I could feel my lip quivering, and a single tear rolled down my cheek. “But what if he doesn’t take me back?”

  Now she wrapped her delicate arms comforting around my shoulders, “Trust me,” she whispered. “He will.”

  “And if he doesn’t?” I asked, my voice muffled from in her shoulder.

  “Then you can stay with me for a few nights. Just don’t worry about it,” she reassured me. “He will.”

  Noah

  There was a heavy banging on the door, “Noah, let me in.” Cameron cried from the other side.

  I was already beginning to feel the room spin. I held the half-empty bottle tight in my fist; I didn’t even both with a glass. My entire body was burning, it was already too late. “It’s too late,” I told him. My words were already starting to slur. “I let her go like I let Dad go too, and now they’re both gone.”

  I took another swig, feeling each sip make the bottle lighter.

  He continued banging his fist against the door, “Look, you didn’t let her go. Please just let me in,” he begged.

  Instead, I ignored him and dropped down onto the sofa with all of my weight; he has a key. I tugged my phone out of my front pocket, incidentally pouring some of the dark liquid onto my lap in the process. “Oopsies,” I said chuckling a deep, throaty laugh.

  I opened the phone slowly; it took a minute to find the right numbers on the buttons. There were so many of them.

  I heard the key jiggle in the lock; he was able to open it only to the extent of the chain. “Noah, open this damn door.” He commanded me.

  I smiled at him, “Nope.” I raised the phone to my ear, resting it against my cheek. She took multiple rings to pick up, but when she did, I was beyond pissed.

  “Hello?”

  “Chloe?” I asked, spitting her name out like poison.

  “Noah? Are you drunk?” She asked back, her voice annoyed and bored.

  “Yes, and yes.” I laughed. “But you forgot one,” I waited for a second, feeling myself swaying slightly. I wanted to give her just enough time to think she could respond so I could cut her off, “Single.” And I shut the phone, Cameron still yelling from behind the locked door.

  “I will break it, Noah. I swear to God, I will break this goddamned door down.”

  I took slow, wobbly steps toward the door. It took maybe a few minutes to grip the chain between my fingers, so I lifted the bottle back to my lips, chugging it like water on a hot day.

  Finally, I got it unlatched, and within mere seconds he had me pinned up against the wall, using his height as an advantage. I forced my tippy toes to just barely graze the floor beneath me, “Dude...” I laughed.

  But his face remained serious. “You need to cut the shit, Noah.”

  “Woah,” he’s never spoken to me this way before. It was discomforting, to say the least.

  “Look,” he said through clenched teeth, refusing to break eye contact. “I know it was hard for you when dad left. Shit, it was hard on all of us. But that doesn’t give you any right to give up on this girl.”

  “She’s just some girl,” I mumbled through the blurring intoxication.

  “Bullshit.”

  I could feel my lips curling into a snarl, but instead of clenching my fists I dropped the bottle on the floor. I let my arms hang limply, and he loosened his grip on my shirt.

  “Look, man. I know this isn’t easy, but you can’t just keep letting every person who walks into your life walk right back out.”

  I could feel my stomach turning over, “But she’s already gone; she left.” Now he let me fall back to the ground, the distance between us steadily increasing. A sliver of a smirk formed on his face.

  “She’s gone,” I said again, only this time with less certainty.

  He sighed, his large shoulders dropping slightly. “She’s gonna stay with Kara for the time being so that the two of you have some time to get things sorted, separately.”

  I could feel my bottom lip starting to quiver; instinctively I brought both of my hands to my hair, chewed on my lip to stop it from shaking, and I could feel the burning in the backs of my eyes as they slowly filled with liquid. “So she’s okay? She didn’t leave me?”

  He took a step closer, watching me as if he’d never seen me before, and put his hand on my shoulder. He nodded slowly, “She didn’t leave you.”

  A small spark ignited itself in my chest, it could’ve been the alcohol, but it was just almost enough to make me think that maybe I wasn’t a black hole; maybe I was still a star...

  TWENTY-TWO

  Hayden

  I woke up a few hours later, only a short while before the sun had risen. Last night Cam had messaged Kara that I would have to stay with her for a little longer while he managed to get Noah back on his feet.

  I stepped slowly out of her bedroom, careful not to create any extra noises that might wake her up. The way the atmosphere in Kara’s room differed from that of Noah’s was startling. For one, it smelled a lot less like the ocean, but I guess that was due to how frequently Cam was there. The living room smelled a lot more like incense; it was very sugary. Also, the furniture was strikingly different.

  While the basic layout was mostly similar, her choice in furniture left a much less masculine vibe. Instead, she had large, golden cushions on a dark wooden frame. Her pillows were small with various shades of gold and brown creating elaborate floral designs across each of them. The backs were shiny like silk, and various strings lined the edges of some of the pillows. Others were left bare, and solid gold.

  “Those are Jennifer’s,” she said when she came out of the bedroom, voice groggy and body overall slumped. “She’s my roommate.” Slowly, I realized, she was walking into the smooth looking kitchen, preparing herself a cup of coffee.

  “Oh,” I said, not paying much attention. “Is she nice?” I mumbled, paying more interest to the pictures and decorations on the walls. Everything was so intricate and bright.

  “I dunno,” she shrugged. “We both have different schedules. She sleeps when the sun's up and is out when it goes back down. I probably know as much about her as you do,” she plopped down on the big cushions, hardly making a dent. “Oh,” she said when she realized I was watching her mug, “did you want some?”

  “No,” I laughed.

  She didn’t say anything, just sat there sipping at the dark liquid while steam piled up against her face.

  “Are you sure it’s okay that I stay here?” I asked timidly, for nearly the 50th time.

  She brushed her hair back over her shoulder, “yes.” It was only a few seconds later that she pulled out her phone and became fully engulfed in it. “So,” she said seemingly, “what do you want to do today?”

  I shrugged, making my way over to the loveseat, it sat on the wall that, in Noah’s apartment, had the TV. Here, they had the TV on the wall where the window in Noah’s room was. It wa
s very confusing.

  “Well,” she said, finally looking at me over her coffee. “We could always go talk to your boyfriend,” I could feel her judging me silently behind that smirk.

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah,” she said sitting up slightly, “I forgot about him too. How are you guys, anyway?”

  My eyes were slightly bulging, my mouth hanging open limply. “I don’t know,” I sighed. “I’m the worst person in the world.”

  “Probably,” she laughed. “But it wouldn’t be because of that.”

  I raised an eyebrow at her, “What do you mean?”

  “I mean,” she said bored. “I know girls that have done plenty worse. You and Drew,” she shrugged, “just didn’t have a connection.”

  “I guess not.” I was still wearing the clothes I had on last night; they almost felt heavy against my skin from the guilt alone of what they meant. They meant I was giving up, that I was going just to keep running and never come back.

  “C’mon,” Kara said, noticing my expression. “Let’s go get you changed and see some stuff.” She smiled hopefully at me, and I didn't have the heart not to return her joy, even falsely. “You can borrow some of my clothes,” she added, noticing my choice in pajamas.

  And so I smiled at her, even though every doubt in my mind was dreary enough to make me feel as though I’d lost all hope and all chance ever again to live a normal life. “Okay.”

  Noah

  There was a particular color of chalk on the pavement where we walked; it was almost a purple and yet it could have just as likely been a red. I ignored it though and kept my pace with Cameron who was walking feet ahead of me, in a hurried drudge.

  “Hurry up, Noah.” He said almost angrily.

  “Look,” I told him again, for nearly the millionth time, “I don’t need for you to babysit me.”

  “No? Because you had such a healthy way of dealing with your problems beforehand.” His sarcastic tone was also bleeding disappointment; he didn’t know I drank.

  “And I’m sorry about that; I’ve learned my lesson-,” I tried explaining.

  “Shut up.”

  “But-,” He turned around to face me this time, not saying a word. “Okay,” I said avoiding looking into his pale, sun-stricken, light calmness of the lake baby blue eyes.

  Hayden

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Kara asked cautiously as she draped a maroon dress with little pink-white flowers spotted on it in front of the mirror. She made and odd face before pulling the spaghetti straps over my arms on top of the t-shirt I was already wearing and going back to her closet to look at other things.

  “Talk about what?” I asked, admiring myself in this color. It popped interestingly against my skin that was only now a shade darker than paper white.

  She returned with a white, lace sweater and laid it casually over my shoulders. “About why you all the sudden decided it was time to leave.” She raised her eyebrows suddenly, “This is a really good color on you.”

  I could feel the blood rushing from my face, my stomach whining for someone to fill its void, “Thanks,” I mumbled awkwardly. “And no,” my head remained aimed at the floor now, unable to face myself in the reflective glass, “I’d rather not talk about it.”

  I heard her make a small noise, but I discarded it as something minor. Maybe she was just clearing her throat, “Do you wear heels?”

  “No.”

  “Converse it is, then.” She mumbled more to herself, returning once again to the bottom of her closet to rummage through mountains of fabrics and large accessories. “So, Chloe said you deal drugs,” she spoke in flat tones, not anticipating a response so much as stating random facts.

  I shook my head wildly; I can’t lose Kara now. “I do not deal drugs,” I assured her, fear gripping in my chest causing my voice to shake.

  “I didn’t think so- ooh, here they are!” She was referring to a pair of burgundy sneakers. “Try it on.” She tossed them casually to my feet, plopping herself enthusiastically onto the corner of her neon purple bed with blankets shrewd across it like someone had just built a fort atop it.

  I turned around to face her glittering smile, “All of it?”

  She nodded violently, her smile not moving even the slightest centimeter. I slipped awkwardly into her bathroom; the sink littered with various beauty products; makeup lay in mysterious placed on the edge of the tub from shelving above the toilet. It was as if a beauty bomb exploded in the tiny space.

  Reluctantly I slipped off my skinny jeans and t-shirt, revealing my pudge, but instead, my eyes were wandering across the photos on her mirror of her and Cameron. They looked so happy, both of them standing so close together; it made me wonder if Noah and I would ever be that close. Then it hit me.

  I wasn’t sure why, or what it was, but I didn’t need to for the colossal tears to start raining down my cheeks like it was hurricane season. At first, I brushed it off as a casual teenage girl insecurity upset. But I wasn’t looking at myself anymore; I wasn’t thinking about anything sad; I was looking into the happy moments of others. I was looking at images of two people who loved each other and thinking hopeful thoughts about someone who didn’t make me sad. I was standing in an air conditioned room scented by candles that smelled like cookies with clothing that made my eyes pop, and a friend outside the door who only wanted me to feel happier than I was feeling.

  But that was before my weak body crumpled onto the bathroom floor; half of me rested on a towel that must have fallen from its hook. My back pressed against the locked door, and every weight from every direction was forcing the sadness out of me.

  It was like when you got a cold, and your body tried to heat you up to kill out all of the bad germs. Only my “cold” was depression, and my body’s way of funneling it out was making me tremble, and become as small as I could humanly become, and cry.

  I was just starting to feel like I might possibly have a life here and now I was tugging at clumps of hair and pushing them against my forehead, now I was silently screaming and pleading that the pain would go away. Noiselessly, I sobbed on the bathroom floor, ignoring Kara’s muffled concerns about whether or not I was okay.

  Those concerns then became her slapping her open palm against the door, which eventually graduated to the frantic yelling of my name and a furious pounding. Finally, I could hear her leaving the space as if she had given up.

  With whatever strength was left inside me I forced a smile, it was quickly drowned in tears but then all of the pain mysteriously vanished, and I was left alone with a cold, crisp numbness that felt like an emotional blur.

  I could visibly see my eyes glaze over as I brushed the wet off of my cheeks and finished putting on the ensemble she had picked out for me. Calmly I opened the door to find her frantic body slumped over at the end of her bed dialing something with nimble fingers into her phone.

  She looked at me, terrified as if the concern had been so overwhelming that she was sure I had died. “I, uh,” my voice was broken and soft, “I couldn’t get it to zip.”

  Instantly she wrapped her small arms around my shoulders and buried her head into my shoulders. I could feel myself gasp slightly, but it wasn’t at the abruptness of her embrace; instead it was the ever-so-slight glance I had gotten of her wrists before she came toward me. In those tiny white scars, she held more sadness and secrets than I ever would have guessed from someone who wore a smile so brilliantly.

  But maybe I just didn’t know her story; but as of this moment, I still didn’t even know mine.

  TWENTY-THREE

  Hayden

  “Noah,” I called for him mindlessly. “Can we talk?” I yelled over the steady hum of the AC as it blasted cool air above me.

  I pondered it carefully; every aspect of reality shifted to a slightly lighter shade of gray. The world as I had seen it, up until this moment, has been many things; but now it was only one.

  I couldn’t give him credit for me feeling somewhat less hopeless because it was
n’t him who fixed me. It wasn’t him who lived through my seemingly inescapable thoughts; it wasn’t him who felt my insufferable pain and taught me to deal with it. But he did make me happy, and that wasn’t something you let go; whether you be someone who feels joy normally or someone who’s lost everything. You don’t let go of someone who makes you see things in a slightly more hopeful light, someone who understands and accepts you, someone who makes you want to try to be better.

  I thought about the way I’d tell him, assuming that I would tell him at all. I mean, what if he doesn’t feel the same way? I thought, slowly becoming anxious; no, correction, quickly becoming anxious. Jesus; am I really this terrified of admitting my feelings for him? I wondered.

  “You rang?” A cocky voice said from behind me jokingly. I spun around carefully, feeling sheer terror and embarrassment flooding my veins with both freezing cool and hot blood. Evidentially none of that blood was heading for my heart because upon seeing him it stopped dead in my chest.

  I’m not going to tell him, I decided. “Right,” His arms were crossed casually across his chest while he leaned collectedly against the inside of my doorframe. My breath caught in my throat just watching him stand there in front of me; I could’ve sworn he could hear my heart as it heavily pounded like rain.

  His expression fell slightly, faltering weakly between concern and sadness. “Hayden,” he said decidedly standing as a break from his casual lean, “are you okay?”

  He walked slowly to me, but I couldn’t help my silence. I just watched him, suddenly frozen. He placed his hand gently on my shoulder, and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach exploding into a fireworks display I felt only I was currently capable of seeing.

  It was as if, all at once, the universe was both expanding and contracting; but then, at once, it all halted the second his hand was there to steady me.

  I’m not going to tell him, I thought honestly. “Noah,” My lips said, betraying me. “I have to tell you something.” My voice was uneven and breathy, but his protective stare remained unchanging. I could see the specks of fear lacing his irises, the brightest most beautiful shade of gray I could ever imagine myself to see. I swear I almost suffocated under the weight of his stare.