Rio Loco

by Robert J Conley

  It was going to get mighty lonesome, though, living in that there office and jail without my sweet-ass Bonnie Boodle to keep me company. I was already missing her a whole damn bunch. Them great big titties was sure nice to snuggle up inside of. I got cold just a-thinking about all that warmness I was a-missing. I quick took me another long shot a’ whiskey, and it warmed me up some. I decided that I had to think a’ something else besides my Bonnie’s honey lips. I had best be a-thinking about ole Chugwater.

  The trouble was that I had done thunk about Chugwater so much that there wasn’t nothing else to think about. Just then somebody jerked on the door and woulda jerked it plumb open if it hadn’t a’ been latched. Pistol fired off her shotgun and blowed a hole clean through the door. I heared a yelp from outside while shotgun pellets was a-bouncing all over the office.

  “Goddamn it,” come a voice from outside. “Don’t murder me. It’s Dingle.”

  “Well, hell,” I said, “let Dingle in.”

  Dingle hadn’t been around whenever I told ever’one to yell before coming in. Churkee opened the door and Dingle come in looking white as a sheet and trembling like a scared dog.

  “Why’d you try to kill me?” he said.

  “I reckon you never got the word, Dingle,” I said. “I told Pistol there to shoot first and ask questions later if anyone tried to come in without hollering out his name first. Chugwater has tried to bust his brother out three times already.”

  “I’m sorry,” Pistol said, and she sounded like she really meant it too.

  “You just done what I told you to do,” I said. “You don’t need to go apologizing for it.”

  “Are you hurt?” she said.

  “No,” Dingle said. “I don’t think so.”

  His hat and his notepad both had some fresh holes in them, though. I told him to come on in and set, but he tossed his notepad on my desk and said, “I’ll be right back.”

  “Where you going?” I said.

  “To the outhouse.”

  “Holler out before you try to come back in.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” he said, hurrying back out the door.

  “Barjack, I might have killed him,” Pistol said.

  “If it happens again,” I said, “do the same damn thing.”

  “But—”

  “Just do it. It wouldn’ta been no great big loss nohow.”

  Churkee walked over to Pistol Polly and tuck the shotgun from her. He put an arm around her shoulder. “Go on back to the cot and get some sleep,” he said. “I’ll take your place.”

  She looked at me and said, “Barjack?”

  “Go on,” I said. “It’s all right.”

  She went on into the cell and laid her ass down on the cot. I think she was asleep right fast. Churkee set down on her chair a-holding that shotgun.

  “Barjack?” come a wheedling little voice from Owl Shit.

  “What the hell do you want?” I said.

  “Can I have a cup a coffee, please?” he said.

  “Someone fetch him a cup,” I said.

  Butcher was back by then, and he went and poured a cup full a’ hot coffee and tuck it over to the cell. He handed it through the bars to Owl Shit. Owl Shit said, “Thank you,” and it come to me that mighta been the first time in his whole life he had said that. He set down on his cot and went to sipping on it. I thought that if we hadda throwed his ass in jail and been mean to him the way we was a-being a whole hell of a long time ago, he might just be a nice fella by now. Them was the first words he had said since I had throwed that bucket a’ water on him and told him to keep his mouth shut.

  Butcher was still over by the cell. He said, “Owl Shit?”

  Owl Shit looked up over his cup. “Yeah?” he said.

  “How come you let ever’one call you by that nasty name, Owl Shit?”

  “I don’t know,” Owl Shit said. “They went to calling me that when I was just a little snot. Called me that ever since.”

  “You got a real name?” said Butcher.

  “I got one.”

  “Well, what is it?”

  “You won’t tell no one, will you?”

  “No. I sure won’t.”

  Owl Shit just almost whispered then. “It’s Merwin,” he said. “Merwin Johnson.”

  “That ain’t a bad name,” said Butcher. “I bet your mama give it to you.”

  “I think so,” said Owl Shit.

  “Ever’one calls me Butcher, but my real give name is Harvey,” Butcher said. “Mama give it to me. I don’t think daddies ever give names like that to kids. Do you?”

  “I don’t think so. Harvey.”

  “Now, you keep that kinda quiet. I ain’t going to go telling your name around.”

  “I won’t tell,” Owl Shit said.

  Butcher suddenly turned to face me. “Barjack,” he said. “What’s your first name?”

  “Marshal,” I said.

  “No, for real,” said Butcher.

  “I don’t reckon you nor no one else needs to know it.”

  “Oh, come on. Me and Owl Shit has told ours to each other.”

  “That’s your business. Mine is mine.”

  “What if you was to get killed?” Butcher said. “Or just drop dead one a’ these days. What the hell would we put on your tombstone? Just Barjack?”

  “You can put whatever you like on my tombstone,” I told him. “I won’t give a shit on account a’ I won’t be around to read it.”

  Chapter Five

  Well, hell, I couldn’t take it no more. The next night I made sure there was a-plenty a’ depitties hanging around the jailhouse, and then I went back over to the Hooch House to find my sweet Bonnie. I found her sure enough, and I walked over to stand beside her there at the bar and I give her a squeeze. She kinda jumped and shrieked on account a’ she hadn’t seen me come in, but whenever she turned her head and seen me, she give me one a’ her damned big bear hugs. She like to’ve squoze the life outta me too. Final she cut out the squeezing and turned me a-loose, and I sucked in a bunch a’ air to replenish my poor ole lungs.

  “Barjack,” she said, “is ever’thing all right? How come you to be over here?”

  “Ever’thing’s under control,” I said. “I got a bunch a’ depitties over to the jail a-watching things. I just got to missing you is all.”

  I shouldn’t ought to ’a’ said that, on account a’ it got to her, and she slung her arms around me again and went to squishing on me. It tuck ever’thing I had in me to stand that bear hug twice in a row so close like, but I done it. Just then Aubrey put my tumbler on the bar in front a’ me, and it was plumb full a’ good brown whiskey. I hadn’t called for it, but then, I didn’t need to with ole Aubrey. I picked it up and tuck me a good long swaller to help me get over them bear hugs. Then I set it back down.

  “Honey tits,” I said, “what do you say me and you go up to our private love nest upstairs for a spell?”

  “I’m ready, sweetness,” she said.

  I picked up my tumbler and wrapped my extra arm around her big waist and we started in walking toward the stairs. When we got there, she moved a little faster’n what I could, and so she got some ahead a’ me. I let her, so that I could slip my hand down and grab on to one great big cheek a’ her ample ass. It wobbled up and down and from side to side while I was a-squeezing on it. I tell you what, if I weren’t already ready for action, that sure as hell got me there. When we got up to the top a’ the landing, she hurried on to open the door to our room, but I just stood there for a bit a-catching my breath. Hell, I had walked plumb from the marshaling office to the Hooch House, and then in just another minute, I had walked up the damn stairs. I was near wore out. But then I follered her over to the room where she had done gone in and I went in after her.

  I tell you something, that big woman could really move fast whenever she tuck a mind to. She had done wriggled her massive self outta her dress and tossed it aside. I tuck off my hat and tossed it. Then I follered it with my jacket
and my vest and my shirt. I set down to pull off my boots, and then Bonnie, stark-staring nekkid, was over in front a’ me and down on her knees a-helping me. In a half a minute she had me as nekkid as she already was. Then she grabbed me by my both hands and pulled me up to my feet. Oh, that made my legs hurt some. She helt me up, though, with another bear hug, and a minute later, she dragged me over to the bed and throwed me down on it.

  Well, I weren’t quite ready, but she got me that taway real fast, and then she climbed on and like to wore me out. I could tell I weren’t the man I used to be, but what the hell? She was happy, so I reckon I done all right. “Where’s my drink?” I said. She lumbered her ass outta the bed and waddled over to the table where I had set it whenever I come in. She brung it back to me.

  “Here it is, sweetness and light,” she said.

  I tuck it and drained the glass, and she went right back to the table and opened the drawer and hauled out my bottle what I kept up there. Then she come back over to the bed and poured my glass full again.

  “Thank you, sugar twat,” I said.

  She wallered back into the bed and on top a’ me, and she mashed me so much that I couldn’t hardly swaller. I did manage, though, to get down a couple a’ good gulps. Well, we romped around a little bit more and I finished off my glass a’ whiskey. She leaned down over me and kissed me full on the face with her big slobbery lips, and then she said, “Barjack, you wanna take a nice bubbly bath with me?”

  “Sounds loverly,” I said, so she ordered up one and pretty damn soon we had us a big tub a’ hot water right there in the middle a’ the room. We pulled a couple a’ straight chairs over beside the tub so we’d have us some tables, and I lit me a cigar and put the ashtray on one a’ the chairs. Then I poured my glass back full and set it by the ashtray. Bonnie got a bottle a’ something and poured a bunch of it into the water, and then she clumb over the edge and settled down. The level a’ the water rose up considerable then, and then she went to swishing her arms around, and the bubbles commenced to developing.

  I climbed in and settled down betwixt her legs, and the water riz up some more. I was damn near afraid that we’d slosh it over onto the floor, but we never. I puffed on my cigar and had me a drink and let my ass slide down as deep as I could get. “I got to admit, sweetness,” I said, “that this here was a damn good idee you had.”

  “Umm,” she moaned. “It does feel good, don’t it?”

  “Yes, indeedy,” I said.

  She went to soaping up on me, and she soaped me all over, and I mean, all over. I reckon I hadn’t never been so clean in my whole entire damn life as what she made me just then. Then I done her the same favor, and Lordy but it was fun. Whenever we was both washed good, I just laid back in the hot water with my both hands on her great fat thighs and stroked them real slowlike. And then, by God, I went to sleep right there in the goddamn bathtub full a’ hot and bubbly water.

  I never woked up till Bonnie were lifting me bodily outta the water. “Hey,” I said, “what’re you a-doing?”

  “Just relax, Barjack,” she said, and she dropped me over onto the bed, where she had done laid out several towels. Then she went to rubbing me dry. She had already done got herself outta the tub and dried her ass off and put on her frilly, flimsy little robe. I could see right through it too. I pinched her titties while she was a-rubbing on me.

  Well, now, she dressed me back up in nice clean clothes, and I strapped on my Merwin Hulbert, and she wriggled her ass back into a dress, and then we walked back down the stairs and went over to my private table. Aubrey brung us our drinks, my whiskey and Bonnie’s pretty little pink thing, whatever it was. I thought about a remark I could make, but I decided not to make it. We was both a-feeling so good that I sure as hell didn’t want to do nothing to spoil the atmosphere.

  “Thank you, Aubrey,” she said.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he said. He went back behint the bar.

  “Barjack?” Bonnie said.

  “What?”

  “Lookit the clock.”

  I glanced over at it a-hanging on the wall behint the bar, but I never thunk nothing about it. “Yeah,” I said.

  “It’s near morning,” she said.

  “What?”

  “We been making love all night long.”

  I looked at the clock again, and she was right, by God. We sure as hell had played the whole night away. “Damned if you ain’t right,” I said. I tuck another swig. Bonnie picked up her little pink drink with her thumb and two fingers with her little finger a-sticking out to the side and had her a dainty little sip. It made me think about Sly again. Then Dingle come in through the front door. He come right back to my table and set down across from me.

  “Barjack,” he said.

  “That’s my damn name.”

  “Barjack, Happy sent me over here. He said I should go because I’m the only one you didn’t deputize.”

  “You mean he throwed you out?”

  “Well, no, but he wanted me to tell you what’s going on.”

  “I’m a-listening,” I said.

  “Well, it seems that Chugwater and a whole bunch of his cowboys are hanging around town.”

  “That’s it?” I said. “Just hanging around?”

  “Well, yes. But they’ve been here all night.”

  “So the wolves is gethering, are they?”

  “It sure does look that way.”

  “Barjack?” said Bonnie. “Does this mean trouble?”

  “I don’t reckon it means much trouble,” I said. “They’ll find out that there ain’t no sheep what they’re gethering around.”

  But to tell you the whole truth a’ the matter, I was a-feeling kinda like a sheep with the wolves a-gethering around me. That there news what Dingle had brung sure as hell weren’t the best news I coulda heared just at that damn time. I figgered what with the men we had done kilt that ole Chugwater could round up at least twenty men if he wanted that many. I helt back a shudder at the thought. I picked up my tumbler and emptied it right then, and I shoved back my chair to stand up.

  “I reckon I’d best get on down to the jailhouse,” I said.

  “You do think there’s trouble a-coming,” Bonnie said.

  “Nothing for you to worry your pretty little fat face over,” I said. “I just think I’d oughter go down and talk with my depitties about the situation. That’s all.”

  “Barjack, be careful,” she said.

  “That’s my middle name, sweet tits,” I said. “Come on, Dingle. Let’s get our ass back down there.”

  We walked out onto the boardwalk together and turned to head for the jailhouse. Just as we turned, a bullet smacked into the wall just beside a’ my head. I jerked out my Merwin Hulbert and looked around. They was two cowhands a-standing out in the street. Both of them had their Colts out and a-pointed at me and Dingle. I shoved Dingle outta the way back toward the door to the Hooch House.

  “Watch out, Barjack,” he shouted.

  “Barjack,” one a’ the cowhands said, “your ass is grass, and I’m a hungry bull.”

  I snapped off a lucky shot and dropped the hungry bull right in the street where he had been a-standing. The other one shot then, but I had dodged to one side. His bullet smacked into the wall alongside the other’n. I raised up my Merwin Hulbert and aimed at him, but he had turned around and was a-running. I aimed real keerful, and then I pulled the trigger. My shot hit him in the right cheek a’ his ass. He screamed and went to tumbling in the street. He was on his belly, and he kinda raised hisself up on his right hand. I fired again, and this time I hit him smack in the middle a’ his back. He dropped down on his face dead.

  “Come on, Dingle,” I said, and we hurried on down to the jailhouse. Whenever we got there, I damn near forgot to yell out. My hand was on the door handle whenever I remembered.

  “Barjack a-coming in,” I called out. Then I pulled on the door, but it were latched. In another minute, someone unlatched it, and I went in, follered by Dingle. Pistol Poll
y was a-setting in that chair with her shotgun pointed at the door. I heaved a heavy sigh and shut the door behint me. Dingle latched it back.

  “We heard shooting,” Sly said.

  “I just kilt a couple a’ cowhands what was taking potshots at me,” I said.

  “They’re all over town, Barjack,” said Happy.

  “That there’s just what I come back to talk with you about,” I said. I went back behint my desk and set down. The first thing I done was to open up my desk drawer and get out my bottle and some glasses. I poured some drinks around. Sly turned it down.

  “What are we going to do?” said Polly.

  “If you get a shot at one, kill him,” I said.

  “Without he’s doing nothing wrong?” said Happy.

  “They’re all in town to get Owl Shit outta jail,” I said. “That there is wrong enough, ain’t it?”

  “Well, I guess.”

  “All I done just now was to come walking outta the Hooch House,” I said, “and two of them went to shooting at me. I was just lucky, is all. We ain’t going to wait for them to shoot first no more. When you see them, kill them.”

  “Yes, sir,” said Happy.

  Sly was standing at the winder kinda looking out sideways. “It looks like they’re all going into the Hooch House,” he said.

  “Good,” I said. “Maybe I’ll get most a’ their money before we have to kill them dead.”

  Churkee stepped over to my desk then, and he said, “So, does that mean that we just sit in here and wait till we get a shot at each one of them?”

  “That’s about the only thing that I can see that we can do,” I said. “Does any one a’ you have any other idee? I’d be glad to hear it if you do.”

  No one said anything, so I just tuck me a drink, was all. Sly was still a-watching out the winder. “Where’s Butcher?” I said.

  “He’s on the roof,” Happy said.

  “Good. That’s just where he’d ought to be. Anyone seen Chugwater?”

  “I saw him go into the Hooch House with his boys,” Sly said.