Rio Loco

by Robert J Conley

  “No, I ain’t, but we’ve kilt maybe ten cowboys. Maybe more. I don’t know for sure.”

  Ole Custer kinda looked around again, and his eyes lit on Owl Shit in the jail cell. He jerked a thumb toward him. “That the brother?” he ast me.

  “That’s him all right. They call him Owl Shit.”

  “Owl Shit?”

  “That’s right. I think his right name is Merwin, but he don’t like getting called Merwin.” Whenever I said that there name, I raised my voice way up to make sure that Owl Shit could hear me real plain. I seen him kinda grimace too. But he knowed better than to say anything. He knowed he’d get splashed with another bucket a’ water or something. Just then Polly said that she seen Chugwater ride up to the Hooch House and go inside.

  “Barjack,” said Custer, “is there any chance that, uh, Owl Shit, ain’t really guilty a’ this killing that you say he done?”

  “He done it right in front a’ my eyes,” I said. “I’m the mainest witness to the damned deed. There was others too. It was done right in my Hooch House, and there was a passel a’ folks in there drinking whiskey and beer and such. Most of them seen it happen. But mainly I seen it.”

  “Could you post bail and let Chugwater take him home till the trial?”

  “I reckon I could do that, but I don’t believe Owl Shit would ever come in for the trial if I did. That’d be just the same thing as turning him a-loose, don’t you see? If he was really worried about getting hanged up, he might even skip the country.”

  “Hmm.” Custer rubbed his chin, what needed a shaving. I went and rubbed mine too and found out that it needed one too. “Has he been outta town since he done the shooting?” he went on.

  “No, he ain’t, and that means that I ain’t over-stepped my jurisprudence none. He done the killing in my Hooch House right down the street, and I arrested him and brung him right down here to the jailhouse.”

  “I’m trying to come up with a way out of this bad situation you’re in, Barjack, but if you won’t set bail, I can’t think of a damn thing.”

  “It all happened in your county, Sheriff,” I said. “You could take over. You could bring a big posse in here and just take over. Hell, you could even take Owl Shit with you back over to the county seat. Now, what’d be wrong in that?”

  “I can’t do it, Barjack. I got to leave him right here where you arrested him. I got no men I can depend on anyhow. I’m sorry. It looks like it’s your problem. It’s local, and that’s all there is to it.”

  “Well, Dick, goddamn it, just what is your job? What the hell was you elected to do? Look at me over here in little Asininity where I’m just the town marshal. Look at how many depitties I got here. I got Happy and Butcher, my two regular depitties, and then I got ole Sly, and I got Miller the Churkee. I’ve even got two women in here with guns. Bonnie and Polly. And I got that scribbling feller Dingle. How many is that? Huh? That’s about eight, ain’t it?”

  “That’s seven, Barjack.”

  “Well, hell, all right, seven. I said about eight. Seven is about eight. If I can get seven over here, you’d ought to be able to do better over yonder in the county seat. Your job is keeping the peace and enforcing the law in the county. We’re in the county here too. So why the hell don’t you do something about it?”

  “I’m busy enough keeping order in the county seat and in towns around the county that don’t have their own local peace officers. Asininity has got you, so I don’t have any business poking my nose in over here.”

  “Then what the hell did you come over here for?”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Well, ole Dirty Dick left outta the office after Bonnie and Happy lit into him a little. Sly never spoke to him, just give him a nod as he walked by. I went to the winder to watch him, and I seen that he rid on over to the Hooch House and tied up in front and went on inside. I wondered did he just want another drink or was he going in there to talk some with that goddamned Chugwater? I wouldn’t put it past him, but I never did find out. I went back to my desk and poured me another drink. By and by Polly, still peeking out the winder, said, “There he goes.”

  “Ole Custer?” I said.

  “Yeah. He’s mounted up, and he’s riding back outta town.”

  “The son of a bitch,” I said.

  I was thinking that I wisht I had gone on to the next stage a’ flying. I had learnt to fly that time Bonnie had tossed me off a’ the landing over the barroom a’ the Hooch House. I had sailed out over ever’one and just hovered there for a minute or two before I fell down and crashed on a table, breaking its all four legs and my nose. It was worth it, though, on account a’ I had learnt to fly. The next time I were up on a kinda ledge and there was a owl hoot down below on horseback. I launched my ass out into the air and come down right smack on top a’ the bastard, knocking him off a’ his horse and breaking his fool neck.

  The only thing was, I hadn’t never gone the next step and learnt how to launch my ass without being on something up high thattaway. I really did wish I had done that. If I had I would justa raised myself up from out on the boardwalk and flew over to Chugwater’s ranch to spy on his ass and figger out what the hell he was up to.

  I tried to think up some way to launch myself. I thunk about riding a horse real damn fast till I just kinda riz up outta the saddle, but I didn’t really think that would work. Maybe I could get in a wagon bed and start it rolling down a real steep hill and see if I could get going from there. But I was afraid it would crash into a tree or something. Final I had to give up on the whole idee. Maybe my ass was just too damn heavy to fly thattaway.

  “Barjack,” said Bonnie, dragging me outta my reverie. (That there was another word I had learnt from ole Dingle.) “Barjack, I need to have me a bath. Do you want me to have one set up over here again like last time? Or should I just have it drawed over at our room?”

  It come to me that I could use one too, and so could a number of our companions. “You going over to the Hooch House?” I ast her.

  “Yeah. I’ll have Aubrey set it up.”

  “Have him set it up over here again,” I said. “And have him send along that there smelly soap.”

  “I’ll do it,” she said, and she give me a slobbery kiss right there in front a’ ever’one, and then she went on out the front door with her Merwin Hulbert pistol a-hanging around her neck. I went to the winder to watch her walk away. I loved to watch her from behind like that. Her two humongous ass cheeks flopped and wallered around whenever she walked.

  After a while when she never come back, I commenced to worrying a little, getting downright aggravated. I reckoned she had got into a conversation with someone in the Hooch House, and that pissed me off. Whyn’t she come on back? I knowed it would take a spell for Aubrey to get the tub over and to get it filled with hot water, but there weren’t no reason for ole Bonnie to hang around over there while he was getting it did. “Goddamn it,” I said, and I poured me another glass a’ booze.

  It didn’t never occur to me to worry that she mighta got herself in some kinda trouble. I always figgered ole Chugwater was some kind a’ gentleman, not like his sleazy little brother. He wouldn’t bother no woman. I still had a lot to learn. By and by, I heared Aubrey’s voice outside.

  “Barjack,” he hollered out, “it’s Aubrey. Don’t no one shoot at me.”

  “Let him in,” I said.

  Polly opened the door and Aubrey come in. He looked some nervous too. He seen me behint my desk, and he walked over to stand in front of it. “Aubrey, what the hell are you doing here? Why ain’t you a-drawing bathwater?”

  “I am, Barjack,” he said. “Miss Bonnie came in and told me to have a bath drawed and fetched over here to the jail, so I give the orders, and it’s being done.”

  “So why ain’t Bonnie come back?” I ast him.

  “She started to leave the Hooch House,” Aubrey said, “but ole Chugwater stepped in front of her with a shotgun in his hands. He took her pistol away from her, and when she went to cu
ssing him, he threatened to shoot her. He finally got her quieted down and had a couple of his boys tie her up. Then to keep her quiet, he tied a rag around her mouth.”

  I jumped up from outta my seat. “That goddamned bastard,” I shouted. “What was you a-doing all this time?”

  “Two of them cowboys was holding guns on me,” he said. “Then Chugwater come over to me, and he said, ‘Aubrey, I want you to go over to the jail and tell Barjack that we have his woman down here. Tell him,’ he said, ‘that if he ever wants to see her alive again, he’d better trade my brother for her.’ ”

  He shut up then and I waited but he never said no more. “Is that it?” I said final.

  “Yes, sir,” he said. “That was all of it.”

  “He wants to trade Bonnie for Owl Shit?”

  “That’s what he said.”

  I thunk real hard about that. It were a chance to get myself free again, but then I recalled that time I had got rid a’ Bonnie and married up with ole Lillian, and I found out that I missed Bonnie real bad and Lillian made me near crazy. So whenever ole Sly come to town and he and Lillian hit it off, I let her have a divorce and let Sly marry up with her, and I felt like it was the smartest thing I had ever did. “Aubrey,” I said, “tell him I’ll do it.”

  “Just a minute, Barjack,” said Sly.

  “What? I got to save Bonnie,” I said.

  “We’ll save her,” he said. “But let’s set up the terms.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know back on the backside of town there’s two empty buildings sitting right across the creek from each other.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I know them. One’s the old mill. It ain’t been used for years. The other one’s a hotel that ole Angus McFarlan was a-building, but he went and croaked before he finished it. They sit right across Chugwater Crick from each other. What about them?”

  “Let’s tell Chugwater to meet us there. He and his men can bring Bonnie to the hotel. We’ll take Owl Shit to the mill. Then at the appointed time, we can start the two of them walking across the bridge at the same time. That way, no one gets cheated.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I said. Then I turned back to Aubrey. “Did you get all that? Can you go and tell Chugwater just what Sly said?”

  “Yes, sir,” Aubrey said. “I can tell him all right.”

  “What you going to tell him?”

  “He’s to bring his men and Miss Bonnie to the old hotel and you’re going to have Owl Shit at the mill across the creek. You’ll start them both at the same time walking across the bridge.”

  “That’s right,” I said. I looked at Sly. “Was there anything else?”

  “Just the time,” he said. “It’s getting a little late. I’d say let’s do it in the morning. Say ten.”

  “That sounds good,” I said. “Tell him ten o’clock in the morning, Aubrey.”

  “Yes, sir,” he said. “Is that all? Can I go now?”

  “Hell, yes,” I said. “Get going.”

  Aubrey most run outta the office and went hurrying back down the street to the Hooch House. I could imagine ole Bonnie getting mad as hell on account a’ me leaving her with Chugwater and his boys all damn night till ten in the morning. They had for sure better be glad they had gagged her up. I went to pacing the floor and chewing on the inside a’ my cheeks.

  “Barjack,” said Sly.

  “What?”

  “Do you have any more of that dynamite you were packing?”

  I opened out my coat to show him the five sticks what was still there in my inside pocket. “Good,” he said. “Be sure to bring them along.”

  “I’ll sure do her,” I said. Then I told Happy, “Go out and bring Butcher down. And come back in your own self. I don’t reckon we’ll need anyone on the roof tonight.”

  “Yes, sir,” he said, and he run out the back. When he come back in with Butcher, I called them all around. I told Butcher what the plan was, and then I told them all, “I want you all to get your guns ready. Clean them up and make sure they’re in good working order. Load them up full. Ever’one take along a rifle or a shotgun in addition to your sidearm. And pack some extry bullets in your pockets.”

  “Barjack?” said Happy.

  “What?”

  “Are we planning for a fight or a trade?”

  “We’re a planning a trade, but we mean to be ready for anything what might happen. You got that now?”

  “Yes, sir,” he said.

  I poured me another glass a’ whiskey while ever’one got busy with their guns. I had my Merwin Hulbert and a shotgun and five sticks a’ dynamite in my pocket. Pretty soon we was all ready for action. What I had told Happy weren’t quite true. We were planning a trade all right, but after that I meant to wipe out Chugwater’s bunch once and for all. I was pissed off at Chugwater now. I didn’t have no more use for him. I meant for the action in the morning to be the final big battle over at the Rio Chugwater. Never mind that it was just a crick.

  “I sure do wish I could have a talk with Bonnie before morning,” I said.

  “Forget it, Barjack,” said Sly.

  “Hell, I’ve let Chugwater talk to Owl Shit twice,” I said.

  “He’s just proved that he can’t be trusted,” said Sly. “He’s taken to fighting with women. He might say he’d let you talk to her, and then he might just capture you too.”

  “Yeah. That’s right.”

  “Barjack,” Sly said, “be sure you have cigars and matches in your pockets.”

  “I’ve got them,” I said. That reminded me that I could sure use a smoke. I tuck out one cigar and a match and lit the cigar. It were kinda close in the office, and I had it pretty near filled up with cigar smoke in a right hurry. No one minded, though. Leastways, no one complained a’tall. I leaned back in my chair, but not too far back lest my wheels got to turning again, and puffed at my cigar and sipped at my whiskey. Sly give me a look, and I pulled open the other side a’ my coat to show him that I was packing a few cigars. Then I pulled out a handful a’ matches and showed him those. I put them back in my pocket.

  I sure did feel like getting drunk, but then I knowed better. I had a real important job to do in the morning. I figgered this glass a’ whiskey would be my last one for the day, and I meant to really enjoy it too.

  “I wish my daddy and his gang was all here,” said Butcher.

  “Well, they ain’t,” I said.

  “I wish they was.”

  To tell you the truth, I did too. Them Five Pointers in New York City was damn mean and tough. If I’d had them, I coulda fought off three times as many cowhands as what Chugwater had out there. “Butcher,” I said.

  “What?”

  “They would be a damn big help, wouldn’t they?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Barjack,” said Sly, “I ought to go home and see Lillian tonight.”

  “You think you can make it without them seeing you?”

  “I can,” he said. “Even if they should spot me, I don’t think they’ll want to fight tonight, since we have the swap arranged for the morning.”

  “You might could be right,” I said. “Well, go on, and good luck to you.”

  “I’ll be back in the morning by eight thirty,” he said, and he went out the back door. Polly latched it up behint him. Then she went and got Churkee and tuck him by an arm and pulled him into the extry cell what still had the blankets hanging up. I figgered I knowed what they was up to back there. They was awful quiet, though. It made me to miss Bonnie something fierce, and I sure did want to see her and talk to her and make sure that she was all right.

  Happy was a-packing his pockets with boxes a’ bullets for his six-gun and shells for the shotgun he was planning on toting. Butcher done the same thing, but ’cept he was carrying along a Marlin rifle. I went and got me some bullets for my Merwin Hulbert and some shotgun shells, on account a’ I meant to carry along a Greener too. I thunk that Polly and Churkee had done loaded up their pockets, but I weren’t f
or sure.

  By and by them two come back outta the cell. Churkee were looking a bit sheepish and Polly, she looked like she was a-feeling just grand. They put my mind back on my sweet Bonnie, and I had to try to come up with something different to put my mind on, on account a’ I felt like as if I kept thinking on Bonnie, I were like to start in to crying. I sure didn’t want no one to see me do that.

  I got to thinking about how I would kill ole Chugwater and his baby brother and all a’ his cowboys in the morning. I were really looking forward to that there. I figgered that we would make the exchange and then me and my depitties would commence to shooting. I knowed that in a fair fight we could kill them all dead’r’n hell. Course I didn’t know just how dead hell was, but that didn’t make a shit. We could damn sure kill them. I knowed that. We had did it before without no trouble to other damned owl hoots. I knowed we could do it again.

  There just wasn’t no one to match up with ole Sly. He was about the best, and I thanked my lucky stars that I had him on my side. And then ole Miller the Churkee, he was about as good. I hadn’t seen many could match him. But ’cept that Pistol Polly. She was a match for Churkee. That was for sure. Happy and Butcher wasn’t bad neither. They could both be counted on in a fight. I had been backed up by them before. Dingle, he weren’t nothing to brag about, but he was game for a scribbler. My Bonnie was out of it for now, so I didn’t count on her. But then there was me. Up against all them that I just named, I guess I weren’t much neither, but I had come through a good many scrapes and I was still a-kicking. I meant to sail through this one more big one and still have both feet a-going too. Hell, I meant to dance on the graves of all a’ them Chugwater boys.

  Butcher and Happy was huddled up in a corner a-talking. I reckoned they was a-talking about the coming fight. Churkee and Polly was snuggled in another corner. Sly had gone home, I reckoned to diddle Lillian. I hoped that was what he was a-doing. I figgered that Lillian might could be a-chewing his ass out real good on account a’ him helping me out the way he was, but I knowed that he could stand up to it, and I knowed that he’d be back in the morning. I was actual starting in to looking forward to the morning fight.