And Playing the Role of Herself...

by K E Lane

  "That doesn't make it any less important. It obviously still affects you."

  She sighed again and looked out over the water for several long moments. "I met her in Paris, at a party…I was about twenty three, I guess, and just starting to realize that women were more my thing than men and I fell for her hard. God," she shook her head sadly, "I was so in love with her, and for a while, everything was so perfect…" She paused, her mind far away, and I stayed quiet, hoping to encourage her with my silence.

  "She started asking me to do things…Light stuff, at first," she glanced at me quickly and then away. "Holding her down, being a little more…aggressive…" She shrugged, avoiding my eyes. "It was new and I'll admit, it excited me, the control - or what seemed like control at the time - but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough." She paused, and then said quietly, as though speaking to herself. "I was never enough."

  I could tell this story wasn't going to have a happy ending, and squeezed her hand in a show of support, despite the inappropriate and completely irrational stab of jealousy at hearing how much she had loved someone else. Again I kept quiet, knowing there was more to the story, and realizing that what she was telling me had a lot to do with why she had not let herself love since.

  After a moment, she continued, her voice stronger. "I was doing a lot of speed - most of us did - and chasing it hard with vodka. The more she wanted me to do, the more fucked up I had to get to do it, because it wasn't exciting anymore. I hated it, hated myself after…but I loved her so much and I tried, I really tried to be what she needed."

  She stood abruptly and took a few steps away, folding her arms across her chest and looking out towards the ocean. "Finally she asked for something that I just couldn't do…I couldn't do it anymore, and when I told her…"

  I could see her body tense at the memory and I rose to stand beside her; not touching, but there if she needed me. "What happened?"

  She stared at the water for a long time before answering. "She laughed. She laughed and said she knew I would break soon, but she'd gotten more from me than anyone expected and it had been great fun taking me as far as she had." She looked over at me and smiled bitterly. "It had all been a big game. Let's see how far the stupid, naïve American will go for love…I had never been in control at all."

  She shook her head in disgust, and this time I did touch her, slipping my arms cautiously around her waist from behind and resting my chin on her shoulder. "I'm sorry." I seemed a wholly inadequate response to what she'd gone through, but it was heartfelt, and when I felt her relax against me and her hands cover mine, I knew it was enough.

  We stood like that for several minutes, Robyn lost in memories, and me thinking of how Robyn's past experience shed some light on her present-day behavior. Eventually she patted my arms. "So that's the whole sordid tale and probably explains all sorts of things about what an emotionally stunted slut I've been since then."

  I felt a little guilty, having been thinking along similar lines, although not quite that harshly. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for telling me."

  "You're welcome." She turned in the circle of my arms and rested her forehead against mine. "I suppose you should know what you're getting into…maybe I should have told you sooner."

  "Oh, Pish. Wouldn't have made a bit of difference. I don't scare away that easy."

  She pulled back with an amused grin. "Pish?"

  "Pish-posh, out with the wash," I recited, and her smile widened. I shrugged. "It's a grandma thing."

  She laughed and hugged me hard. "God, you're cute."

  It was good to hear her laugh again and I was pleased to be the one to cause it, even if I hated being called 'cute'. Puppies were cute. Kermit the frog was cute. That little four year old kid that rapped was cute. Creepy, I'll admit, but cute. I disliked being thought of as cute, but from her, I'd take it.

  "Thank you for listening," she murmured in my ear, "and not freaking out, or thinking badly about me…" She pulled back and looked at me intently. "You don't, do you? Think badly of me?"

  "Of course not. Why would I?"

  She dropped her eyes. "Some of the things I did..."

  "Robyn." I tucked my fingers under her chin and raised her gaze back to mine. "The only person I think badly of is the woman that you were with. And that's because of what she did to you, and how she hurt you…not because she got off on pain. I want to hurt her because she hurt you."

  She smiled. "I'll point her out next time I see her and you can have at it, then. My money's on you."

  I frowned, and dropped my hand to her chest, rubbing lightly. "You see her?"

  She tilted her head back and forth in a nonchalant gesture, but the eyes that looked past me flared briefly with emotion before settling into feigned indifference. "Every once in a while. She has a house in LA, and we still have mutual acquaintances…I see her at parties, benefits, openings..."

  "That must be…difficult."

  She took a moment to answer. "It's gotten easier, over time, but yes, sometimes it's still hard. Especially if she's in a…playful…mood." She said the word with obvious sarcasm. "Then it gets especially fun. She calls me her petit sadique and wants to talk about old times."

  "I'm sorry, baby." I kissed her gently.

  "Thank you." She kissed me back, just as softly.

  We stared at each other, and she slowly leaned in and kissed me again. When we pulled back from that kiss, minutes had passed and anyone watching our not-so-private beach had gotten quite an eyeful.

  "Inside?" she asked hoarsely.

  "God, yes." I grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the house.

  She tripped after me, struggling to get her footing in the sand. "Dinner…"

  I stopped and rounded on her in exasperation. "Do you want dinner, or do you want me?"

  She grabbed my face in her hands and kissed me. "Stupid damn question."

  We didn't even make it to the couch - ending up in a tangle of limbs on the carpet just inside the door.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  I would have been perfectly happy with leftover lasagna, cheese and crackers…hell, bread and water would have worked, as long as Robyn was with me, but at her request, and for what she called 'counter-propagandaism', we drove a few miles into Islamorada for oysters, stone crabs and clam chowder at a popular waterside restaurant. In Robyn's words, "What better way to show them we're not squabbling over Josh than to be seen having dinner together?"

  I couldn't fault her logic; the only better way I could think of showing we weren't squabbling over Josh was perhaps for the two of us to jump each other somewhere very public, and that wasn't something either of us was ready for. We had a nice meal - as nice as a meal could be with numerous interruptions by autograph and photograph seekers - and then we'd come back to the house and Robyn had shown me how appreciative she was of my patience.

  Dinner had been well worth the aggravation.

  Robyn stirred and I reached out and ran gentle fingers through her hair. She was on her side, facing me, one arm curled around her pillow and the other stretched above her head, and I had been awake for nearly an hour, just watching her sleep. It was like every damn cliché about love that I'd ever heard. I felt full, bursting with love, like it was a palpable force, radiating out of me. I looked at her and my chest felt tight with emotion and I felt like crying and laughing at the same time…it was exhilarating, wonderful and terrifying.

  Dark eyes blinked open, regarding me sleepily. "Hey."

  "Morning." I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

  Her mouth curled into a smile and she rolled onto her back and stretched. "Been awake long?"

  "A little while." I scooted closer and tucked myself in beside her, laying my head on her shoulder and draping my arm across her stomach. Her arms went around me immediately. "I was enjoying the view."

  "The view of me drooling, and my hair looking so pretty?"

  I turned my head slightly and kissed the skin near her collarbone
. "It is very pretty. And you don't drool…much."

  I felt her chuckle and a brief touch of her lips across the top of my head. After a minute of quiet she asked, "When do you need to leave?"

  I sighed, not wanting to be reminded that I would be heading home soon. "Around one or so….the flight is a little after three."

  She kissed my head again and tightened her arms briefly. "I wish we had more time."

  "Me too." I raised my head and kissed her, sighing in pleasure when strong fingers threaded through my hair and she deepened the kiss, turning a brief peck into a slow, gentle investigation. She rolled onto her side and pulled me closer, tangling her legs in mine, and we spent long minutes in unhurried kisses, neither of us escalating the passion of the exchange.

  "Mmm…" Robyn eventually broke the exchange, dropping light kisses on my cheeks and forehead before pulling away. She put a finger on my lips. "Stay. I'll be right back."

  She unwrapped herself from our embrace and rolled off the bed; I watched her retreating form in languid appreciation until she disappeared behind the partially closed door of the bathroom.

  Her slightly muted voice came from behind the door. "You have a long travel day...I was thinking maybe we could go for a run later this morning, get you some exercise before you have to sit all day. Interested?"

  "When?" My tone was noticeably petulant, and I scowled at myself. It was a good idea, and would certainly be good for me, but I was enjoying our closeness this morning and didn't want it to end quite yet.

  I could hear the smile in her voice. "I'm not in any hurry…just…later."

  Satisfied that she was coming back to bed, I nodded, and then voiced my agreement when I realized she couldn't see me. "That sounds good…if you promise not to kick my ass."

  "Well, I really wanted to run," came her muffled reply after a beat, "but I guess a walk would be okay…"

  "Hey!" I protested, and heard her answering laugh. "Damn, Ward, that was cold. And to think all the people who read the rags think I'm the bitch."

  She laughed again. "If only they knew that you're actually the sweet one."

  I smiled and threw my legs over the side of the bed, stretching my back as I sat up. "That's what Liz said, too. I guess I'm destined to be misunderstood."

  I heard the toilet flush, and running water. "So…did you tell her? About us, I mean." Her voice was still muted by the door, but I heard the tentativeness of her tone.

  "Yep."

  I didn't say anything else, and she poked her head out the door a few moments later, a toothbrush in her mouth. "An? Wha 'she sa?"

  I looked at her questioningly and she rolled her eyes and ducked back into the bathroom to spit out the toothpaste before opening the door wider and leaning against the jamb. "What did she say?"

  "Huh?" Distracted by her nakedness, it took me a moment to respond. I blinked and dragged my eyes up to meet her smug gaze.

  "I asked what Liz had to say…" she motioned with her hand, "about us."

  "Oh…um, let's see…she said 'wow', and something along the lines of 'I'll be damned' and 'holy shit', and then she asked….um…what it was like."

  "Did she?" Robyn sounded entertained by the idea and went back into the bathroom, her voice taking on a slight echo. "And just how did you answer that one?"

  I leaned back on my hands, watching her through the bathroom door as she washed her face, and pondered just how honest I should be about what I had told Liz.

  What the hell, let's start our day out with a little shot of honesty.

  "I told her it was none of her damn business…" She grinned at that, and patted her face with a towel. "And then I told her that even if it was her business, I couldn't tell her anyway because I couldn't think of words to describe how fucking amazing it is to be with you."

  She gave a strangled laugh and pulled the towel away from her face. "Oh, aren't you a sweet talker…" Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw the look on my face. "You're serious."

  "Of course I'm serious."

  She placed the towel gently on the counter and turned towards me. "You really told Liz that?"

  "Yes I told her…and I meant every word," I added, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice.

  Her mouth formed a tiny 'O' of surprise. "Caid, I…" she stared at me for a moment, and then started towards me slowly, her gaze never leaving mine.

  Now that you've started, you might as well finish it....

  I pushed myself off the bed, wanting to be face to face with her when I told her the rest. She crossed the room and stopped in front of me, reaching out to brush my cheek. "You really told Liz that," she repeated, but this time it was a statement and not a question.

  I cupped her face in my hands and laid the gentlest of kisses on her parted lips before taking a deep breath and stepping off the cliff. "I told her it probably had something to do with the fact that I'm crazy in love with you."

  "Wha…?" Our faces were close enough that I could actually feel the whoosh of air as she drew in a sharp breath and blinked; a myriad of emotions running across her face, surprise the most immediately recognizable. She tried to pull back but I held her in place, my hands still cupping her face.

  "I love you." I said again softly, surprised at how easily the words came. I placed another kiss on her stunned lips. "I am totally, completely, head over freaking heels in love with you, Robyn. I don't want to scare you, but I wanted you to know. You don't need to say anythi…"

  The rest of my words were swallowed abruptly as Robyn crushed her mouth to mine, and the next thing I knew I was flat on my back in the middle of the bed, with six feet of warm, naked and very amorous Robyn Ward on top of me, raining kisses on my face, neck and chest.

  "Say it again," she demanded suddenly, pulling back to look at my face intently, as though judging my sincerity.

  I wondered, as she searched my face for proof, just how many times she'd been told those words. Considering her fame, her looks…more than a few times, I'd guess. How many others had told her they loved her in hopes of getting something from her? I knew of at least one who had professed love and lied, hurting her badly…had there been others?

  I met her gaze squarely, wanting her to see everything I was feeling, needing her to believe me. I brushed her cheeks with my thumbs and ran my hands through her hair. "I love you, Robyn," I said clearly, bringing her head down for a soft kiss. "I love you," I said again and trailed my lips over her chin and down the long column of her neck. "I love you," I murmured, nipping at the skin just below her ear and feeling a slight shiver in response. I tilted my head back and found her eyes again, willing her to believe me. "I. Love. You."

  She touched my face, trailing her fingers over my eyebrows and down my cheeks. "Oh, Caid..."

  Her voice, to my ears, seemed apologetic and I fought back panic. Now, when faced with her response, my brave statements did not seem like such a bright idea. I pulled her head down and silenced her with a kiss, not wanting to hear what she had to say right now, not wanting her to feel pressured or obligated, and especially not wanting her to tell me she didn't feel the same. She could tell me how she felt later - right now, I wanted to show her how I felt.

  I rolled us over, kissing her hard, and pushed my hands into her hair, tilting her head back so that I could kiss along the underside of her chin and down her throat.

  "Caid…" Her words stopped in an expulsion of breath when I settled my thigh between her legs and pressed against her while I covered her nipple with my mouth, sucking and biting gently. I trailed my hands down her body and braced my arms on either side of her chest, lifting my body off of her slightly, pushing my thigh against her again. Her fingers threaded through my hair, tightening almost to the point of painfulness when I held her nipple gently in my teeth and flicked with the tip back and forth with my tongue.

  "Ah…jesus…" She arched against me, lifting her leg and pushing against my sex roughly. I groaned and pushed back automatically, quickly falling into the rhythm she
set. I let go of one nipple to move to the other, giving it a few minutes of attention before she dragged my head up and brought our mouths together in a panting, openmouthed kiss, her tongue meeting mine in time with our thrusts. Gradually the rhythm increased and our kiss slowed until we were just breathing in each other's air as we concentrated on the movement and feel of our bodies.

  "Oh….yes…" she whispered, her lips moving to my forehead and her hands to my hips, urging me into her. I kept up the rhythm of my leg against her, riding her thigh, feeling the slickness of sweat and desire where our bodies touched.

  "Oh…god, Caid…" Her leg shifted again and pushed into me harder. "I'm…" she sucked in a breath, "come with me, baby…"

  Our movements became frantic; labored breathing interspersed with whispered nonsensical words and gasps, and I slipped one hand between us, drawing my fingers through her warm wetness and teasing the hardened nub of her clit with gentle strokes. She hissed out a breath and her body stilled at the contact, then jerked, and I felt the slight sting of her fingernails as she tightened her grip convulsively on my ass. Her head was thrown back, the muscles in her neck corded and tense, and I watched, enthralled, as I continued my movements, amazed as always by how beautiful she was. Suddenly her hand was between my legs, and her fingers inside of me, just as she arched further and let out a shuddering moan, jerking inelegantly against my hand. The moan, her movements, her fingers…it was all enough to send me tumbling after her into orgasm, whispering a final 'love you' before collapsing in a very ungraceful heap on top of her.