Stiff_A Graves Family Romance

by Kim Linwood

  Do I really want to get involved with the guy who’s supposed to take over our business? The answer to that is a resounding physical yes, but I’m still having a hard time believing a man like Carter would really stay interested in me for more than the time it takes to finish pulling off my skirt.

  And what if we get in an accident and Mrs. Graham comes loose? I white knuckle the handle on the inside of the door. Carter would laugh his ass off if he found out I’m an interim funeral director with a phobia of corpses. I can’t even read spoilers from The Walking Dead without my skin crawling.

  I take a deep breath and force myself to relax my death grip on the door.

  What the heck is wrong with me? I can’t jeopardize everything just because my brain shuts down completely every time he looks at me. If he’s still interested after the contracts are signed and the sale has gone through, then… I don’t know, but maybe.

  16

  Carter

  Sadie’s quiet. A little too quiet.

  I glance over to the passenger seat. She’s staring out the window, watching the neighborhoods pass by, rigid as a board. She didn’t even fight me for the keys like she said she would.

  Did I fuck something up again? “You all right?”

  “Yeah, sure,” she clips out unconvincingly, not even sparing me a glance.

  Oookay. “Did I do something? I seem to be really good at that.”

  “Doing things? I’d be a little worried if you weren’t.” Even her snark is low key.

  I brake slowly and guide the hearse gently onto the highway. This thing’s like driving a boat. I half want to pull up the Ghostbusters song on my phone, but even I can tell this wouldn’t be a good time for it.

  “Something’s bothering you. I’m trying to be better about the whole talking thing, so just tell me what I did so I can fix it.”

  She finally turns, leveling me with a glare. “Not everything’s about you, you know.”

  “True, but usually if a woman’s pissed in my general vicinity, I’m at least part of the problem.”

  She snorts. “I can’t argue with that.”

  “Then just tell me already. We can stop for flowers on the way back.”

  “You’ll laugh.”

  Despite myself, I grin at that. “Oh come on, now you can’t not tell.”

  “I can too.”

  “I promise not to laugh.”

  “You’ll have to excuse me for not believing that you’re a paragon of self-control. I’m sure you understand.”

  I laugh, cutting it off when she sends me an “I told you so” look.

  “Hand on my heart. I promise. I can stay serious when I have to. Really.”

  For a long time she’s silent. Probably decided to ignore me.

  Then she draws a deep sigh and speaks in a meek voice. “It’s possible, that I have just a touch—a touch—of necrophobia.”

  I blink, confused and more than a little creeped out. “Wait, really? So that’s why Zoe acted like you don’t usually do the… uh, hands on jobs? Having Mrs. Graham back there turns you on?”

  “PHOBIA!” she shrieks. “OH MY GOD! NOT NECROPHILIA—NECROPHOBIA!”

  “Oh, thank fuck.” I let out a huge breath. “Because I’m open minded, but there are serious legal and moral limits. For a second there I was—”

  “Let’s just not go there, okay?” Sadie says with a shaky laugh. “You’re horrible.”

  I glance over and she’s watching me with a mixture of horror and amusement. My gut twists with the urge to laugh, but I promised. If I’d just laughed at the start, it would’ve been a sensible chuckle. Over and done, but holding it in now is like trying to juggle balloons underwater. My face twists and a bit of air blows out my nose.

  She glares, brows furrowed. “You’re going to laugh, aren’t you?”

  I bite my tongue.

  Then, just when I think I can’t take it anymore, Sadie bursts out laughing, pausing only to draw breath and grant me a temporary reprieve. “Oh, just laugh already, but I respect your commitment to your promise.”

  Oh, thank fucking God. Laughter pours out of me. “I’m sorry,” I gasp. “I’m sure it’s a difficult job for someone with your… problem. I just didn’t know what to say. I mean, how do you respond when someone says they—”

  “It wasn’t that funny,” she interrupts acidly, but then laughs herself. “All right, maybe it was.”

  Laughter can be both irritating and contagious. Luckily, this seems to be more of the latter.

  I throw her a long glance once I’m sure I’m not going to start laughing again. “So, not a fan of the dearly departed, huh?”

  “It’s not that strange. I mean, they’re dead. It doesn’t bother you at all that the person in the back of our car isn’t just dead, but has been dead for a couple of days? Like, even with chemicals to slow it down, her body is decomposing as we speak. There’s blood pooling in the lower parts of her body, because her heart’s not pumping it anymore, and—”

  “Woah, take it easy. It’s just part of the cycle of life, right? Even the vegetables in your refrigerator are slowly rotting from the moment they’re harvested.” I try to smile reassuringly, but if anything, she looks more horrified. Shit. “You never thought of that?”

  Sadie shakes her head, eyes wide. “But thank you for reminding me I need to clean out my fridge, with bleach. Maybe just a new fridge.” She shudders.

  “Okay, look. It’s just a body. People die all the time. Didn’t you watch the Lion King as a kid?”

  “I always thought that song was a little propaganda heavy. Everyone poops, too, but we don’t write songs about it.”

  “I think there’s a book about that one,” I point out.

  “Carter, don’t take this the wrong way, but please stop helping.”

  “This really bothers you, doesn’t it?”

  Her hands clench and unclench in her lap. “Do you think I’d admit to it if it didn’t?”

  “I’m sorry, I’m just finding it hard to understand because you always seemed all about this business. Aren’t you the one in charge of making sure that everything is ready for the bereaved to pay their respects?”

  Sadie chews adorably on her lip as she looks down at her hands. I shouldn’t think this is cute, but I’m enjoying finding out about what makes her tick. “That’s all Zoe. I’m fully licensed, thanks to a lot of meditation and tequila, but I don’t go down there if I don’t have to.”

  “I feel like I have to ask, why fight this sale? Why wouldn’t you be jumping at the chance to go do something else?”

  She sighs, resigned. “I don’t dislike the business. I love helping people and doing what I can to make a difficult time easier. There’s so much more to it than just taking care of remains. I just don’t like the bodies, okay?”

  “I like your body.”

  Sadie snickers. “My body’s still alive.”

  “That’s one of my favorite things about it.” I wiggle my eyebrows to make her laugh. If she’s focused on me, maybe it’ll get her mind off the dearly departed in the back.

  It seem to work, Sadie’s coloring turns more normal, and she’s starting to relax, right up until she sits up with a gasp. “What the hell is that?”

  “What?” I check the mirrors but don’t see anything.

  “That.” Sadie points out the windshield to the side of the road. “Pull over. Now.”

  “Alright, alright. Give me a sec.” Traffic is slow so I humor her, pulling over to the shoulder and following her pointing finger with my eyes.

  Shit.

  “Anything you’d like to tell me about, Carter?” Sadie asks frostily.

  In front of us, towering over the highway, impossible to miss, is a gigantic billboard with a handsome face on it that perfectly balances empathy and openness.

  My face. It took a lot of shots to get that right expression.

  Graves Funeral Homes

  New Wittville Location Opening Soon!

  Director: Carter Grav
es

  “So.” Sadie’s voice is clipped. “Do you have another new location opening up that you forgot to mention?” Crossing her arms over her chest, she glares at me. “Because that couldn’t possibly be my parlor you’re talking about, is it?”

  “Look, I know this is awkward, but that ad campaign was probably booked ages ago when the contract was originally hammered out.” Dammit, she was just starting to relax with me and now it’s all shot to shit. “Doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Doesn’t mean anything?” She looks at me like I’ve got three heads. “It means you were already assuming months ago that we’d sell out and join your funeral empire. Why are you even bothering with all of this with me if it’s all already settled?” Sadie holds her face in her hands. “I’m such a dope. You probably think I’ll make it more entertaining while you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere getting set up.”

  It’s my turn to give her the you’re-crazy look. “You’re getting a little carried away, aren’t you? I know that the parlor isn’t ours. Yet.” And when she opens her mouth to retort, I cut her off. “And seriously, do you think this is entertaining? We can barely make it five minutes at a stretch without arguing about something. I’m honestly not sure why I’m putting up with all of this crap. It would be easier to just build a new location and put you out of business.”

  As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know I went too far. Way too far.

  Sadie looks like she’s about to spit fire. “Put us out of business? And put up with me? You’re putting up with me? I’m putting up with you!”

  I unbuckle my belt and turn to Sadie, giving her my full attention. “Look, let’s just settle down and discuss this like professionals.”

  She growls softly under her breath. “Oh, so now you want to be mature? Why is it you only want to be professional when it matters to you?”

  “I agree that the sign is premature, but I had nothing to do with it.”

  “So you really do have an evil twin?”

  I shouldn’t let her sarcasm get to me, but she’s actively looking for an excuse to argue, no matter how stupid the reason. The sign shouldn’t be up yet, but it’s not a personal fucking attack. “I think if you just take a minute to calm down, you’ll see you’re overreacting.”

  Sadie’s mouth drops open and her eyes look like they are about to start glowing. Okay, apparently that was the wrong thing to say.

  “All right, I’m sorry. This is obviously bothering you a lot, but if you’re going to be mad at someone, be mad at my father who set up the ad campaign.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “That’s not your dad’s face up there.”

  “No, it’s mine. And do you know why? Because that’s what I do. I shake the hands and stand in front of the camera so the rest of my family doesn’t have to. They trot me out like a prize bull when it’s convenient and then ship me off to the next show. And I’m sick of it.” It’s why I’m trying to show that I’m good for more in the first place, but I guess she doesn’t see that.

  She turns back to the window, but pointedly looks away from the billboard. “Fine. Let’s just get back.”

  I start the car and then change my mind, cutting the engine. “No, you know what? You aren’t the only one with something on the line. This deal is important for me and I’m trying to work with you here, but half the time I can’t figure out why you’re so fucking mad at me.”

  Sadie cuts me a dark look. “Because you’re one of them.”

  “One of them. Right. Which them are we talking about? I must’ve lost my membership card.”

  “You know. Them.” She gestures vaguely at the air in front of her. “Big Funeral. Faceless, big city corporations that swoop down and rob little mom and pop homes of their identities. Buying us out and turning us into little identical cogs in your giant funeral home machine.”

  “Big… Funeral?” For the second time during this car ride, I have to hold back a laugh. “First off, not faceless.” I point up at the billboard, and then back at me.

  “You know what I mean,” she fumes.

  “No, I don’t, not really. There are real people in Graves Funeral Homes. I present myself as exhibit one. My brother Axton is number two. Brandon is a questionable third and my little sister Danielle is growing up fast to be a solid number four. Not to mention my parents and my grandmother. We’re a family business, Sadie. Just like yours. Started up by my grandfather and hopefully continued on by our own kids. We just own a few more parlors.”

  “Just like ours? Hah! You’re taking over every funeral parlor in the northeast.” She sighs, looking out the window again, her anger giving way to a look of resignation. “You just don’t get it. Every parlor has its own personality, just like a person. When you sweep in from Philly with a big wad of cash and buy us out, there’s no room left for the special people like Zoe, or even Kenny. All you’re left with is an assembly line that does the job, but at the expense of the soul. Maybe you’re right and I’m being dumb and overreacting, but I think it’s a shame.”

  The right time for this conversation isn’t by the side of the highway with a dead body in the back, but we’re here, so we’re having it. “Listen, I’m not going to pretend to understand what it’s like to be in your shoes. Yes, we’re bigger, but Big Funeral? Really? There are real people working at every one of our locations, and until the robot revolution takes off, it’s likely to stay that way.” She doesn’t look amused, so I try again. “Robots aside, I think if you gave us a chance you’d see that we aren’t as monolithic as you’re imagining. We’re even trying to get away from the cookie cutter design to get back to a more personal experience.”

  She looks at me long enough to throw me a seriously skeptical look.

  “No, really. My whole plan is to use your parlor as the flagship for the new direction. I’m trying to be more than that face on the billboard. I want to get out and work with the actual people that we’re bringing into the Graves family.” I catch her eye. “You know, like you. So what do you say? I’m going to need people like you and your team, to show me how to do that.”

  Sadie pulls her lower lip between her teeth, letting it out slowly and side tracking my brain for a second before she responds. “That sounds nice and all, but do you really think it’ll happen?”

  “Well, I can’t make any promises, but I think the chances are a hell of a lot better if I have your help.” As I say it, I realize I’m not just trying to win her over. It’s true.

  She huffs in agreement. “No kidding.”

  “Your belief in me is overwhelming,” I deadpan. “Just give me a chance, that’s all I ask. Let me help you with the Graham funeral and we can both use it as a learning experience. Hell, boss me around if you want. Teach me what makes your parlor special and don’t assume that I’m here to turn it into a drive thru Coffins R’ Us.”

  Sadie looks down at her lap, but I gently take her chin and focus her back on me. It’s important that she gets this. “Listen, I know I came in hard and fast. I assumed some things I shouldn’t have and I let my dick do the talking. You probably know better than I do that the funeral business can be a bit of an old boys club. There aren’t many funeral directors like you.”

  “Terrified of dead bodies? No, probably not.”

  I laugh. “No, women.”

  “Oh. Yeah. That.” Her mouth turns up in a tiny grin. “True.”

  I gesture at the billboard. “This is my chance to show that I’m good for more than smiling for the camera, and I didn’t exactly get off to a good start. So take this, along with the flowers from this morning as my screwed up attempt to apologize for being a dick. Let me show you that I’m not the bad guy. I just act that way sometimes.”

  She nods, looking, if not entirely convinced, at least not actively hostile. “I guess that remains to be seen, but I haven’t exactly been easy to work with either, so…” This time, her honest smile softens her face and threatens my ability to stay cool. “I know it might not seem like it, but I do a
ppreciate your offer to help with Mr. Graham’s funeral. I’m pretty out of my depth without my parents here to lend a hand, so sure, if you keep on like this, I might upgrade my opinion of you to grudging tolerance.”

  I grin at her. “You know, just a little while ago, it sure as hell felt like a lot more than grudging tolerance.”

  The blush on her face is adorable. “Even I have my weak moments.” She glances up at the billboard and takes a deep breath, tilting her head and giving it a critical look. “I suppose if this doesn’t work, you could always be a stock photo model.”

  “You think?” I push out my chin and strike a thoughtful pose. “Would you click on the ‘click here for live support’ button if you saw this face?”

  “Definitely.” She smothers a giggle. “So, are you going to drive us home, or what? Mrs. Graham isn’t getting any less dead while we wait.”

  Putting the hearse in gear, I press the gas and let it make its slow way up to speed until I can merge back into traffic. I’m not totally sure we solved anything with our talk, but I’m feeling positive for a change.

  “Listen, are you going to the Burke trade show this weekend?”

  She nods. “Of course. We always have a little stand. Zoe’s talks on embalming techniques are popular. Or so I hear. It’s usually my cue to go find some lunch.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll make a few calls and make sure your stand is next to ours. Since you’re practically part of the family now, after all.”

  Sadie groans and slides down in her seat. “Right.”

  I pat her leg. She’s nearly as fun to tease as my own siblings, which means she’s stuck with me now, even if she doesn’t know it yet.

  17

  Sadie

  “You’re kidding me? There’s a billboard?” Zoe frowns at me from across my office. “Getting a little ahead of themselves, aren’t they?”

  I wet my lips, still feeling the impression of Carter’s on them from this afternoon. After helping Zoe with Mrs. Graham—something I quite happily stayed well away from—he excused himself to have a talk with his father. Hopefully, it was to chew out his old man for stepping over lines, but that’s probably just wishful thinking. I’m sure it’s just a progress report. Carter didn’t seem to see it as nearly as big a deal as I do.