The Adventurer's Guide to Dragons (and Why They Keep Biting Me)

by Wade Albert White

  The wizard stirred. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Did I miss naptime?”

  “You are napping, you nitwit,” said Copperhelm.

  “Oh, good,” said Sassafras, and he promptly fell back to sleep.

  “Captain Copperhelm, we could really use your help,” said Anne.

  Copperhelm surveyed the group. “Let me guess. You got caught up watching that duel in the dining hall, and while you weren’t paying attention, someone stole the gauntlet.”

  Anne cheeks flushed. “That’s not… I wasn’t trying… I didn’t even get to see the duel.”

  Copperhelm shook his head and pushed the wheelbarrow against a wall and out of the way of the security gates. “Crazy novices… no common sense… probably blow up the whole city before the day is over… and look at me… distinguished military career… undefeated in single combat… now I’m pushing wizards around in wheelbarrows and looking for lost gauntlets their owners can’t manage to keep on their own hands.”

  Copperhelm marched over to the security gates while the others trailed behind. “There’s been a theft,” he said to one of the guards. “You lot are going to help us search for the culprit.”

  The guard looked him over. “Erm, no offense, buddy, but why should we listen to you?”

  In response, Copperhelm pulled a small card out of his pocket and handed it to the guard. Anne read it over his shoulder:

  EMERGENCY TAKE-COMMAND CARD

  The holder of this card is hereby granted permission to take temporary command of all security personnel, including (but not limited to) guards, soldiers, sentries, watchmen, lookouts, city watch, and border patrol.

  CAUTION: NOT RECOMMENDED FOR POWER-HUNGRY MEGALOMANIACS.

  When the guard finished reading, he immediately snapped to attention and saluted Copperhelm. “Y-yes, sir! R-right away, sir!” he stammered.

  “That’s more like it,” said Copperhelm.

  As the guard showed the card to his companions, Jocelyn, Nana, Rokk, and Mrs. Darkflame came running up the corridor and joined them.

  “Where in the world have you been?” Jocelyn asked, sounding exasperated. “We’ve been looking all over for you. The ceremony is about to begin.”

  “The new student stole my gauntlet,” said Anne.

  Jocelyn’s demeanor changed instantly. “Are you okay?” She began poking and prodding Anne, checking for any sign of injury.

  “I’m fine,” said Anne. “He got away, but we think—”

  “Did you report the theft?” asked Mrs. Darkflame, cutting her off.

  “Not yet, but—”

  “This group is with me,” said Copperhelm, indicating the security guards. “We’re going to check the perimeter.” He led the guards through the security gates and out the main entrance.

  “Actually,” said Anne, “we think he’s still—”

  “Rokk, will you speak with the Lord Chamberlain?” said Jocelyn. “He’s the master of ceremonies this afternoon and should be informed of what’s happened—although I suspect they’ll proceed with the ceremony anyway. This sort of thing is not entirely unheard of.”

  “Affirmative,” said Rokk, and he left as instructed.

  “But—”

  Jocelyn turned to Mrs. Darkflame. “In the meantime, Tora, could you check with your network? No doubt your resources far outstrip those of the palace.”

  “Consider it done,” said Mrs. Darkflame, and she headed off down the corridor.

  “I’ll inform the other dragons,” said Nana, and she too galloped away.

  “Well, then, I guess that takes care of that.” Jocelyn adjusted her hair and smoothed her vest. “I’ll escort you to the ceremony myself,” she said. “It’s being held in the Royal Library. I’m afraid lunchtime is over, but if we hurry, we should make it there just in time.”

  Anne’s stomach growled. She’d hardly eaten a single bite.

  “Adults,” whispered Penelope. “What are you going to do with them?”

  “What about Professor Sassafras?” asked Hiro, pointing to the sleeping wizard.

  Jocelyn glanced into the wheelbarrow. “I’m sure he’s fine here. He’d just sleep through the ceremony anyway. Platypus will keep an eye on him, won’t you, platypus?”

  The platypus looked at them blankly, crumbs falling from its snout.

  “Who is this new student, anyway?” asked Penelope.

  “Well,” said Jocelyn, “given the current makeup of your group and your chosen professions, I thought it wise to begin our recruitment by filling in the gaps, in order to round out the team.”

  Anne understood immediately. “He’s a thief, right?”

  Jocelyn coughed and looked slightly embarrassed.

  All adventurers, whether they were Keeper of the Sparrow or not, had to choose a profession from the Bag of Chance. The most common beginning group consisted of a fighter, a wizard, and a thief. Penelope had chosen a fighter token, and Hiro had chosen a wizard, but Anne had pulled a blacksmith token out of the bag, not a thief token.

  “Don’t worry, dear,” Jocelyn said to Anne. “I’m sure your gauntlet will be found in no time.”

  Anne wasn’t sure at all.

  After zigzagging along several lengthy corridors, they arrived at the royal library. There was another checkpoint in front of the library entrance, and they filed through the security gates under the watchful eyes of the guards. As they stepped into the library itself, Anne gasped. The vast space was filled with shelves that rose several stories, with the upper levels being reachable only by ornate (and precarious-looking) spiral staircases. Light streamed in through five tall stained-glass windows and a large circular opening on the wall above the windows, through which several dragons flew.

  “There must be a million books in here,” whispered Penelope as they joined the crowd milling about inside.

  “Actually, the collection contains just over two million volumes,” said Hiro. “That includes this main area as well as several special collections kept under lock and key.” He pointed down an aisle to where several large glass cases stood in an alcove with a few select books and other knickknacks on display.

  Penelope scrunched her nose. “Who locks up books?”

  “Some of them are quite valuable. Others are ancient and falling apart and in need of protection. You can only see those by special request.”

  Other doors were visible at various points around the room, but all of them had been chained closed. Someone was taking security very seriously. Beyond a long row of study tables, they turned left down a central aisle leading to an open area where hundreds of chairs had been set up in front of a raised platform that acted as a stage. And on the stage stood—

  Anne froze midstep. In a line along the back of the stage were seven iron knights. They were eight feet tall with barrel-shaped torsos and a small white stone in the center of each of their helmets, just like the ones at Saint Lupin’s. Unlike the ones at Saint Lupin’s, however, these were green and held long staffs in their hands rather than swords. Each knight stood behind an empty chair.

  “Whatever is the matter?” asked Jocelyn, coming up behind Anne. “Why is everyone standing about in the middle of the aisle?”

  Anne pointed at the stage.

  Jocelyn put a hand on her shoulder. “They’re absolutely nothing to worry about, my dear. First of all, you’re not on a quest, so there’s no reason for anyone to come after you. Second of all, those are fakes. They design new ones every year to serve as decoration, in honor of the famous Copper Knights, which explains their coloring. Come now. The ceremony is about to begin.”

  Anne felt only partially reassured. She knew Jocelyn must be right, but her pulse was racing nevertheless. She was used to the iron knights at Saint Lupin’s, but her encounters with unfamiliar knights had taught her to be wary.

  They followed Jocelyn down the aisle to the front row of chairs. At the beginning of the row, ten seats contained cards that read: RESERVED FOR SAINT LUPIN’S QUEST ACADEMY. Anne, P
enelope, Hiro, and Jocelyn each took a seat, leaving six empty seats reserved for Rokk, Copperhelm, Sassafras, Mr. and Mrs. Darkflame, and no doubt one for the new student. There was a space at the end of the row large enough to accommodate Nana when she arrived as well. As the audience settled into place, three men and three women stepped onto the stage and sat in the chairs, leaving one empty seat at the end.

  “That’s the awards committee,” Jocelyn explained.

  One of the committee members, a thin man with pale white skin and only a few wisps of white hair, rose and approached the podium. The room fell silent.

  “Good afternoon, citizens of the Hierarchy,” he said. “I am Niles Twinkletoes, the Lord Chamberlain of the Sapphire Palace, and I will be your master of ceremonies today. So in a way, I guess you could say that makes me the LC who’s an MC.”

  He paused expectantly but received only a smattering of polite laughter.

  “Anyway,” he continued, frowning slightly and clearing his throat, “it is my great pleasure to welcome you this afternoon to the seven thousand one hundred and fifty-third Quest Academy Awards.”

  This received a hearty round of applause, and despite her concerns about her missing gauntlet, Anne couldn’t help but feel excited.

  “First, committee member Liren Stargazer regretfully could not make it today, as she is currently at home with a severe case of the pixie flu. Hopefully, she recovers soon and returns to her normal size. And with that out of the way, on to business. Our first award of the day is for Shortest Quest. And the nominees are…”

  The Lord Chamberlain read out three names, where they were from, and what their quest had been. The winner was an old gray-looking man who had activated a quest to find his spectacles only to discover he was already wearing them. The award was a plaque with a bronze medallion attached to it. The winner accepted the plaque graciously, and everyone applauded.

  “The award is a quest medallion?” asked Anne.

  “They’re not real,” said Hiro. “Just copies.”

  Anne couldn’t help but notice that the man proudly wore a black leather gauntlet, and she felt the loss of hers even more acutely.

  The afternoon progressed in the same way through dozens of awards, including Best Imitation Quest, Best Invisible Quest That No One Actually Witnessed, and Loudest Quest Completed by a Mime. All the winners received bronze-coated medallions on a plaque, and they also each wore their gauntlets, some plain-looking and others quite extravagant. At no point in the proceedings, however, did anyone appear on stage to announce that the thief had been caught and to present Anne with the stolen box containing her gauntlet. Anne kept twisting around to see if by chance any of the other adults she knew had shown up, but there was no sign of them.

  “Now, our next award is one of the big ones,” said the Lord Chamberlain, and a wave of excitement rippled through the audience. “It’s for Best Illegal Quest That Nearly Destroyed the Entire World. Typically, hard to pull off, and even harder not to get arrested for.”

  Anne’s pulse raced, and Penelope bounced in her seat. If possible, Hiro sat even straighter than before.

  “The first nominee is Max Sheepstone, former owner of the Canine Inn, who attempted to harness the power of small, yappy dogs, bless his heart. If Max wins tonight, he’ll be receiving the award posthumously. Who knew poodles could explode like that? The second nominee is Tsunami Quibblebibble, of no fixed address, who accidentally calculated the correct answer to the question, How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Although legend has it that anyone who solves the riddle will bring about the end of all life, fortunately for us, Ms. Quibblebibble immediately forgot the answer, thereby preventing certain catastrophe. And the final nominees are a trio from Saint Lupin’s Quest Academy, led by Anvil, Keeper of the Sparrow, who embarked on a Rightful Heir quest that almost obliterated our space-time continuum. Incidentally, folks, this was the Level Thirteen quest we’ve been hearing so much about lately, so hats off to those intrepid young adventurers, since you don’t see many of those.

  “As a side note,” the Lord Chamberlain added as he opened the envelope, “our thanks to each of the nominees for not blowing us all sky high.”

  The audience laughed.

  “And the winner is…”

  He extracted a tiny piece of paper from the envelope.

  “Saint Lupin’s Quest Academy!”

  The crowd erupted in cheers and whistles. Anne was instantly hugged on three sides by Jocelyn, Penelope, and Hiro. She scanned the room one last time for any sign of someone returning her gauntlet, but no one appeared.

  “It’s all right,” Jocelyn whispered in her ear. “Just go receive your award.”

  As they made their way to the stage, the Lord Chamberlain continued. “Anvil is accompanied this evening by her mentor, Lady Jocelyn Abigayle Daisywheel the Third, formerly of the Death Mountain Quest Academy, and her two adventuring companions, Hiro Darkflame and Penelope Shatterblade.”

  At the mention of Penelope’s last name, Anne caught brief snatches of muttering from the crowd. Penelope’s expression was unreadable, but Anne gave her arm a quick squeeze of reassurance.

  “I would also like to note,” said the Lord Chamberlain as he picked up the award plaque, “that this is the first time in over fifty years that an adventuring group led by a thief has won this particular award.”

  That was a mistake. Anne was a blacksmith. She was about to correct the Lord Chamberlain when a commotion arose on the stage behind them.

  It wasn’t Jocelyn or any of the committee members.

  It was the fake iron knights—the Copper Knights.

  They were moving.

  THE SCULPTOR’S GUIDE TO SUPERIOR STATUE DESIGN SAYS THE FOLLOWING:

  When designing a statue, there are many factors to consider: what materials to use (bacon statues have a questionable shelf life), overall aesthetics (not everyone appreciates a piece covered in foot-long spikes), what purpose it will serve (for example, will it ever be used as a battering ram?), and location (the very best art reflects its environment, meaning there’s no point pouring your heart into a piece that’s going to spend the rest of its existence stuffed in the back of a closet).

  Special Design Tip #42: Don’t make statues that come to life and attack at random. People don’t like that.

  Battle in the Royal Library

  A number of things happened at once.

  The Lord Chamberlain turned around and addressed the knights, “Now, see here—”

  But this was as far as he got because the nearest knight extended its staff and with a loud SNAP! zapped him with what appeared to be a bolt of lightning. The Lord Chamberlain crumpled to the floor, and the award plaque spun out of his hands and clattered up the center aisle.

  At the same time, the other knights zapped the five remaining committee members, and SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! they all toppled on the stage. Jocelyn pulled out her rapier and surged forward, but the seventh and last knight zapped her, too, and she collapsed next to the others.

  “No!” yelled Anne.

  Yelling turned out to be a really bad idea. Anne instantly drew the attention of all seven knights, who raised their staffs in unison and pointed them at her. Anne gulped. She couldn’t dodge them all. As the seven staffs fired as one, a large gray blur appeared in front of her. It was Rokk.

  The seven bolts struck Rokk square in the chest and encompassed the robot in a sphere of light. The blast hurled Rokk from the stage and over the audience. He landed with a thunderous boom at the back, crushing several of the study tables and scattering floor tiles in every direction. The force of the blast also knocked Anne, Penelope, and Hiro off the stage. They landed hard and skidded into the front row of chairs. Cries of fear and anger rang out from the crowd, but seeing what had just happened to the committee members and the giant robot, no one seemed eager to rush forward and challenge the knights.

  Someone stepped up to the podium. Anne immediately recognized his red cloak. It was th
e thief who had stolen her gauntlet. In fact, he was wearing her gauntlet on his left hand. Without thinking, Anne jumped to her feet, but Penelope and Hiro grabbed her arms and held her back.

  The boy raised his hands. “Quiet, please!”

  The room fell silent.

  The boy motioned toward the Copper Knights with the gauntlet, and just like the iron knights at Saint Lupin’s, they obeyed. They stepped forward to the front of the stage with their staffs held out, blocking anyone from reaching the prone forms of the committee members and Jocelyn. The Copper Knights made no further hostile moves, but the message was clear: Try anything and you will join the victims.

  “I’m sorry for the interruption,” the boy continued, “but if everyone would cooperate, I promise this will all be over shortly. I’m going to ask you to make your way out of the library. Right now. Single file. You’ve seen what the knights are capable of, so please don’t test them. They will not hesitate to shock anyone who fails to cooperate. The blast isn’t lethal, but I assure you it is very, very unpleasant.”

  A wave of relief washed over Anne. Jocelyn and the others were alive. That was the most important thing, even if it didn’t make Anne less angry about what the boy was doing.

  The Copper Knights stepped down from the stage and moved toward the crowd. Following the boy’s instructions, people moved quickly toward the exit with expressions of grave concern. Anne, Penelope, and Hiro followed everyone in a single line down the center aisle, turning right at Rokk’s motionless body and proceeding past the study tables and out of the library. Once everyone was outside and through the checkpoint, the knights closed the metal security gates, backed up several paces, and raised their staffs once again. Seven arcs of lightning hit the spot between the gates, and the bars momentarily glowed white. Then the knights turned and proceeded back through the library doors.

  Anne held her hand near the gate, making sure not to touch it. Waves of heat rose from the metal, and she pulled her hand away.