Apprehension and Desire: A Tale of Pride and Prejudice

by Ola Wegner

  She lifted her chin high and spoke with cold dignity. “I fail to understand why you tell me this.”

  He gave her a dark, unreadable, serious look, his lips pressed in thin line. She could feel his breath on her cheek, he was so close.

  “I am afraid we shall not see each other before your journey back home.”

  She looked up at him. His voice was cold, angry.

  “My uncle, the Earl of Matlock, has asked me to come to Matlock as soon as possible.” he explained. “I must go tomorrow, together with Colonel Fitzwilliam.”

  “Has something happened?” she asked tentatively.

  “Yes, but it is not the time or place to speak of it now. I will tell you everything when we meet again.”

  “I hope that all the matters concerning your family will be resolved...,” she began, but Lady Catherine’s voice interrupted her words.

  “Nephew, what are you telling Miss Bennet? I must have my share in the conversation.”

  Elizabeth glanced up at Darcy to see him rolling his eyes. She smiled at him, and he returned it, his eyes glowing with warmth, his bad mood miraculously wiped away with her smile.

  “We have just been discussing the state of the roads from here to London, Aunt,” he lied without blinking, as he stepped after Elizabeth, who returned to her previous place.

  The rest of the evening went uneventfully, till the carriage was called for the Hunsford party. Everyone seemed astonished when Mr Darcy, without a word of warning or any sort of explanation to his actions, walked them to the carriage, something he had never done before.

  After Mr. Collins shakily stepped into one of the grand vehicles of his noble patroness, Darcy handed in Mrs. Collins.

  Elizabeth was the last to get in. He stepped to her.

  “Can you come to the grove in the morning?” he whispered, and she felt his gentle grasp on her elbow, the other hand intimately rested on the side of her hip.

  “I will be waiting,” she heard as he lifted her into the box.

  ***

  Elizabeth was both surprised and relieved to fall asleep easily, almost the moment her head touched the pillow, after the dinner at Rosings. She expected another sleepless night, full of disturbing thoughts and fears. Instead she slept like a babe. She must have been very exhausted.

  When she awoke , her first thought was that it had to be very early as there was very little light seeping through the closed curtains. Shivering, she stalked to the window and saw gray skies and drops of water on the glass.

  She drew the curtains wide to let in more light and glanced at the clock on the small mantelpiece.

  A few minutes after six, Mr. Darcy was probably already waiting for her. Should she go? She could not decide what to do. The weather was hardly inviting. This was one of the days she wanted to crawl back into a warm bed. Eventually, with a sigh, she walked to the water stand and began her toilette, shivering repeatedly at the cold water touching her still flushed from sleep skin.

  The clock struck half past while, on her tiptoes, she walked downstairs. Noise coming from the kitchen told her that the servants had already begun their day, and the back door was open. She pulled her shawl over her head and slipped from the house unnoticed.

  The rain was not heavy, merely a persistent drizzle, but the feeling of cold was magnified with the strong, biting wind. Elizabeth usually liked when it blew, but not today.

  “You came.”

  She heard his voice before she saw him. She did not have a bonnet because she was afraid to ruin it in the rain. She had found it especially hard to pin her hair up in a reasonable fashion this morning because the wet weather curled it into numerous, tiny locks, sticking out in all directions. Instead, she had left it in a simple braid.

  She could not stop shivering.

  “You are cold.” He pulled her to him. “You should not have come.”

  “Yes.” she agreed, and watched as the puff of air came out of her mouth.

  He rubbed her arms. “I will be worrying now whether you became ill, coming here to see me. Come, I will walk you back to the parsonage.”

  She shook her head. “No, you should not. Someone might see us.”

  He enveloped her completely into his embrace and, like once before, opened his great coat, wrapping it about her.

  “Better?” he asked after a moment, rubbing her back.

  She nodded, relishing his warmth, her eyes closed, sudden sleepiness overpowering her. He smelt nice, spicy and clean, and something else she could not define.

  “We will not see each other for a week at least. I think that the family business I must deal with will take at least that long.”

  She stifled a yawn, still sleepy, which made him grin, exposing large white teeth. It was so strange, the thought of Mr. Darcy having teeth. He had never smiled wide enough before, allowing only infrequent half smiles.

  “We shall see you at Longbourn then,” she spoke, once again amazed by how a simple smile changed his entire countenance. “I wish you a safe trip.” she added formally, taking a small step back from him.

  He pulled her back to him, lowered his head and spoke in a quiet voice. “There is one more thing.... Since I came back, I have wanted to apologize to you, but there was no opportunity for that.”

  Her eyelashes fluttered, and she titled her head. “Apologize?”

  He gazed into her eyes. “Yes, for what I said about you the evening when we were introduced. I know you overheard my remark.”

  Elizabeth gaped at him, completely taken aback with the turn of the conversation. “How do you know about it?”

  “From your father; he told me.” His arms tightened around her. “Forgive me for what I said; I was in a foul mood, unhappy that Bingley dragged me to that Assembly. I knew I was lying, even when I uttered that nonsense. You were not meant to overhear it.”

  She did not speak for a moment, but then her lips curled into a smile, eyes sparkling. “Should I now understand that you consider me tolerable enough to tempt you?”

  Darcy laughed out loud, picked her up into the air, and twirled her around. “You know very well that I consider you a most tempting creature,” he said as he put her down, “much too tempting for my peace of mind, “ he murmured against her lips.

  “What has happened which requires you go to Matlock so suddenly?” Elizabeth asked abruptly, putting an end to the tender moment, afraid he would kiss her. She realized that she should be more careful in the future; her usual teasing had a very definite effect on him.

  “Such a shameful, sordid affair.” Darcy shook his head, frowning again. “The mistress of my cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam’s elder brother, expects a child.”

  Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “It is serious indeed. Is he married?”

  “Yes, he is married, but he refuses to send the woman away.”

  “Do you think he should?”

  “We cannot be sure that the child is his.”

  “This is very sad.”

  “Yes, it is. He should not have taken a mistress in the first place. But let us not talk about others these last minutes.” He pulled her closer. “I will miss you and think about you every single day till we meet again.”

  She knew he expected her to say something similar, but she did not want to lie, and she certainly could not return his sentiments. If she had been truthful, she would have had to say that she was more than relieved with the prospect of his absence from her side.

  Because the right words, the ones he surely wished to hear could not be uttered, she reached her gloved hand and stroked his cheek. It seemed such a natural thing to do. He closed his eyes for a moment as she caressed the side of his face.

  “Oh, sweetheart,” he murmured, and before she knew it, she was in his arms again.

  Elizabeth accepted the embrace, not feeling alarmed with it any more. She was more embarrassed with his tenderness, astonished with his caring attitude. She had always thought him to be so cold, so unfeeling. Not even a week ago, she never would h
ave considered Mr. Darcy to be so... demonstrative when in private. He seemed to like to hold her, touch her, be close.

  “I should go.” He pulled away from her after a long moment, the regret obvious in his voice. “It is high time. Colonel Fitzwilliam is surely waiting for me, wondering where I am.”

  “Have a safe trip,” she repeated, smiling.

  “Do not worry about me, but promise you will take a good care of yourself.”

  She nodded, pulled the shawl over her head and ran from the spot.

  Chapter Six

  Lady Catherine’s carriage brought Elizabeth to Longbourn late afternoon one day, almost a week after she had seen Mr. Darcy the day he left Rosings.

  They first stopped at Lucas Lodge to deliver Maria, where Elizabeth learned from Lady Lucas that her sister Jane had returned from London the day before.

  Mrs. Bennet was very much impressed with the grand way her daughter travelled back home.

  “Oh, Lizzy, my dearest child, is it Mr. Darcy’s carriage?” she questioned, before Elizabeth managed to step out. “When we heard from your uncle that you and Maria would not travel by post, I was certain you would use one of Mr. Darcy’s carriages.

  “No, Mama. It is Lady Catherine’s carriage,” Elizabeth explained, kissing her mother’s smooth, pink cheek.

  Elizabeth walked to greet Jane and her younger sisters as Mrs. Bennet walked around the vehicle and even peeked inside. “Surely, Mr. Darcy convinced his aunt to offer it to you for your journey home.”

  “I believe so, Mama,” Elizabeth agreed quietly as she walked to her father.

  She kissed her father’s cheek. “Papa, it is good to be home.”

  Mr. Bennet gave her a long, dubious look, and then unexpectedly pulled her to him, giving her a rough hug, something he very rarely did.

  “We must talk, child,” he said.

  “Yes, Papa.”

  He smiled. “Not now though; there will be time. You must be exhausted, and your mother surely has many questions for you that you will not escape today.”

  True to Mr. Bennet’s word, Mrs. Bennet allowed her second daughter to have a warm meal first before asking dozens of questions concerning Mr. Darcy, starting from why he was not here yet and ending on what his favourite dish was. Elizabeth tried to dutifully answer all the enquiries, being aware how curious her mother had to be about the whole affair.

  “I am tired, Mama.” she confessed at last. “We got up very early in the morning, and I would like to retire.”

  “Of course, Lizzy,” Mrs. Bennet agreed promptly. “It is natural you must be exhausted. I ordered Lady Catherine’s people a good dinner and comfortable beds for the night’s rest, so do not worry, they will not complain about anything to Mr. Darcy’s aunt.”

  “Thank you, Mama.” Elizabeth stood up, her eyes meeting Jane’s.

  Her sister took the hint immediately. “I think I will go with Lizzy, Mama, in case she needs anything.” Jane left her embroidery and followed Elizabeth.

  “Go, Janie, go.” Mrs. Bennet nodded but then cried out after her retreating daughters, “Lizzy, but you must tell me everything tomorrow!”

  “Yes, Mama,” Elizabeth agreed tiredly.

  The sisters were silent on their way upstairs.

  “You must be tired indeed, Lizzy, ” Jane said when the door to their shared bedroom closed.

  Without a word or a warning, Elizabeth rushed into her sister’s arms. “I am so happy to see you, Jane.”

  They hugged, and Elizabeth sensed that her sister wanted to ask more but restrained herself, thinking her to be truly exhausted.

  “You are surprised, Jane,” Elizabeth said as they sat together on Elizabeth’s bed.

  “I confess that I am,” Jane said with a light frown on her smooth forehead. “You and Mr. Darcy? Lizzy, dear, as far as I recall, you wrote to me yourself that he was engaged to his cousin, Lady Catherine’s daughter.”

  Elizabeth shook her head. “No, he is not, Janie. I do not think that he would make me an offer were he engaged to another. In my opinion, his aunt desires this union, and Mr. Collins feels it is his duty to spread such rumour as a well established fact.”

  “But how did it happen?” Jane questioned, her eyes wide. “You never liked him. And Mr. Darcy, of all people? He seems so cold, so detached!”

  Elizabeth slipped from the bed and walked to the window, her arms folded in front of her. Should she tell her everything? What would Jane think of her, hearing that her sister was mercenary.

  “Do you remember how I wrote to you about the Parker sisters?” she asked after a long moment.

  Jane nodded.

  “I thought a lot about their lives now, after their father’s death, and what happened to them. God forbid, but if anything happened to Papa, all of us, you, me, Mary, Kitty and Lydia would share their fate.”

  “We cannot think about the worst possible situation, Elizabeth,” Jane said slowly. “Papa is in good health, and we have uncles...”

  “Jane,” Elizabeth interrupted her, “I saw Anne Parker in that inn, with the family she works for. You cannot imagine how horribly they treated her. Her sister’s fate is even worse; you know that she became a mistress to some wealthy man.”

  Jane did not say anything, only looked at her sister with great concern.

  “Once I thought that marriage without love was the worst thing that could happen in a woman’s life,” Elizabeth continued. “Today, however, my perspective is altered. Now, I truly understand Charlotte’s decision to marry Mr. Collins. Do not think for a moment that I regret rejecting him! But while I stayed with them for those weeks, I started to think differently. I decided that I would accept the next man who would be willing to make me an offer, even if I idd not love him. I know it was an act of cowardice on my part, but I was afraid of poverty and loneliness. I thought that in a marriage, I would have at least the children whom I could love.”

  “You did not think that Mr. Darcy would prove to be that man,” Jane whispered.

  “Exactly.” Elizabeth returned to the bed to sit next to her sister. “Oh, Jane, I was so astonished when he came to me!”

  “You said yes to him. It makes sense now.”

  Elizabeth lowered her head. “Jane, you are disappointed with me.”

  “Why, Lizzy?”

  “For accepting Mr. Darcy.”

  “No, Lizzy, never that. I am only worried for you; I want you to be happy.”

  Elizabeth bit her lower lip. “Oh, Jane, I have become a true mercenary.”

  Jane touched her arm. “You are too harsh on yourself.”

  “No, Jane, I know I am deceiving him. I agreed because of his wealth, and he thinks himself to be in love with me.”

  “I am sure he truly does love you, Lizzy, and very much, too, if he wants to marry you.”

  “He says that he does.”

  “It is good, Lizzy; he will treat you well, take care of you. Perhaps you will fall in love with him in the future. He cannot be that bad.”

  Elizabeth stood up again, and started pacing the length of the room, waving her arms in an agitated manner. “Oh, Jane, I do not know what to think of him! Sometimes he is so haughty, and arrogant, insults our family and upbringing, then the next moment he can be so nice. He even apologized to me for what he said at the assembly when we were introduced. You remember the tolerable, but not handsome enough, comment?”

  Jane nodded.

  “He explained that he was in a bad mood that day, and he was sorry that I overhead that.”

  “You see yourself, Lizzy, he is not that bad; he may be a bit antisocial, but there is no doubt he cares for you deeply. All will be well, sister.”

  Elizabeth stared desperately into Jane’s blue eyes. “Do you really believe that?”

  “Yes, Lizzy, I feel that all will be well. He loves you, so there is something to begin with. Perhaps, in the course of time, when you know him better, you will start to like him too.”

  Elizabeth sighed. “Perhaps. But wh
at about Mr. Wickham? Mr. Darcy did him a great harm. I do not find it encouraging that my future husband is able to act so abominably.”

  Jane was silent for a while, her delicate eyebrows frowned, her shapely nose slightly wrinkled, her usual expression when she was thinking over something. “We know only Mr. Wickham’s version of this story, do we not?”

  “Yes.”

  “I think that you should, at the first opportunity, tell Mr. Darcy what Mr. Wickham told you, and then see how he acts and if he can explain it. We should not judge him, knowing only Mr. Wickham’s version. What is more, to our knowledge, there was no one who could confirm the truthfulness of Mr. Wickham’s words. Mr. Darcy should have a chance to speak for himself on this matter.”

  Elizabeth looked at her sister in awe. Jane was so good, so understanding. She defended Mr. Darcy, even though he was the man who had ruined her chances for happiness with Mr. Bingley. I will do everything to reunite you with Mr. Bingley, dear sister, Elizabeth promised herself in her thoughts.

  “Oh, Jane,” she leaned forward to hug her sister. “You are too good. What would I do without you? You always keep my spirits up.”

  “Give it a chance, Lizzy.” Jane patted her back. “I have a feeling that all will be well. Trust me.”

  ***

  Despite the long day of travel from Kent, and late night talk with Jane, Elizabeth woke up early the next morning, before her sister. She finished her toilette quietly, so as not to disturb Jane’s sleep, and walked downstairs, hoping to manage a short walk before breakfast. She was putting on her bonnet in front of the old looking glass hanging in the foyer when she heard her father’s voice.

  “Elizabeth, can you come here, please?”

  Mr. Bennet stood in the open door to the library, his face unreadable, and lacking the usual warm, teasing look in his eyes. Elizabeth took a deep breath and removed her bonnet. She had expected her father would want to talk to her, sooner or later. She preferred later, but she was also surprised he had not done it yesterday just as she had arrived. He had called her Elizabeth too, which was not a good sign. She was always Lizzy to him, unless he was displeased with her, which happened very rarely. The last time, some ten years ago, was when she had fallen out of the tree and broken her arm.