The Day I lost You

by Fionnuala Kearney

  Sam is talking but I’m not really listening. I suddenly feel like I’m naked or have lost a layer of skin in the middle of the store.

  ‘Are you all right, Jess?’ His hand is on my arm.

  ‘Sorry, of course, I’m fine. I must get on, Sam. Thank you, thanks for your kind words, and I never got to thank you on the day for the choir. You all did a beautiful job.’

  My heart is thumping rapidly as I push away with the trolley. I can’t catch my breath. It’s as if the air supply to my lungs has been pinched. I pass through the till quickly with what I have so far, shallow-breathing all the time. Outside I gasp, gulp the air greedily, and curse this bug that will neither grip me nor leave me alone. Making my way through the shopping centre, I stop at a small café, try to steady my heart-rate. I’m carrying two bags; two bags filled with food I don’t remember buying.

  I order a strong tea and take a seat near the door. All around me are the smells of a normal day. As the two baristas struggle with a growing queue, as I struggle with the new ‘normal’, I find the scent of crushed coffee beans and baked croissants comforting. Three tables away, a mother and her son sit reading a book together. He looks about the same age as Rose and they’re reading The Tiger Who Came to Tea. I wonder where Anna’s copy is – it was her absolute favourite book. I should read it to Rose. It’s somewhere in the house, no doubt threadbare and worn like me.

  I sit like this for a while, conscious of time but needing to rest, to take the passing life in; to reassure myself that life does, in fact, go on – just like all the songs sing and all the books believe. But God, it just blindsides me sometimes, this new normal. And all because of a jar of honey that has, somehow, made it into my bags.

  Theo is here. He seems tired – his soft eyes have dull, greying bags underneath and he needs a haircut. He has left a briefcase in the hall, refused a drink, and seems restless, as if he’s decided he’s not staying. We’re both sitting on the sofa in the front room. Rose, who along with me is back in school in the morning, is fast asleep.

  ‘I went to church today,’ I tell him. ‘Had to leave because people were staring at the lady with the germs.’

  ‘You do seem to have a bit of a cold.’

  ‘It comes and goes. See? I’m fine tonight.’ I wink at him and he grins.

  ‘How was it, church?’

  ‘Cold.’ I shudder. ‘Surprisingly full, but it is Sunday. I don’t know. The black hole is becoming grey. It’s there, every day, ready to consume me, but I’m fighting back, trying to feel positive.’

  ‘Atta girl.’ He taps my knee and I wish he’d reach out and put his arms around me. Strangely, before the kiss, before the awkwardness, that’s exactly what he would have done. I wish he would take a drink, have something in his hands. He looks as if he almost wants to sit on them.

  I sit back, rest my neck on the chair. ‘Where can I buy Rose a train set? She wants one for her birthday.’

  He seems to relax, mirrors my slouch. ‘The local toy store in town, in the high street, I’ve forgotten the name, but opposite the hairdresser you go to. They’ll do train sets.’ He looks across at me. ‘Yes, they’ll do train sets,’ he repeats. ‘Are we okay, you and me?’

  The last remark is so blunt that I’m caught by surprise and find myself blushing. ‘Of course,’ I mutter.

  ‘We should talk about the kiss.’

  ‘What kiss?’ I widen my eyes. ‘I told you it didn’t happen.’

  ‘That’s really how you want to play this?’

  ‘I’m not playing, Theo. You’re my friend. I don’t want to mess that up.’

  ‘We should talk about it, not just pretend it never happened. It happened.’

  ‘You’re my friend,’ I repeat the words. ‘It happened because I was upset, emotional.’

  ‘That’s why you kissed me. It’s not why I kissed you.’

  He reaches out and tucks some of my stray hair behind my ears. My face automatically angles to touch his hand. He leaves it there a moment before I break away.

  ‘Sean had the DNA test.’ I sit back, put some distance between us.

  ‘And?’

  ‘He’s not Rose’s father.’

  His face pales, but his nod, the acknowledgement of the fact, shows relief – I’m assuming for my sake. ‘So, what happens now?’ he asks.

  ‘I go and see Sean, try and apologize for ruining the guy’s life. That’s how he will see it right now. Leah says he still has a right to be involved in Rose’s life as he’s named on the birth cert. It’s up to him. Part of me hopes he wants to stay around for Rose’s sake, but I’ll get it if not.’

  ‘Isn’t he moving anyway?’

  ‘He is. I know he’s devastated. He’s been talking to Doug. He went to tell his parents this weekend. I want to go and see him when he’s back tomorrow and just hope he’ll understand why I did this.’

  Theo nods. ‘Maybe you should leave well alone. Don’t go over to Sean. If he wants to, he’ll come to you?’

  ‘What is it with people? I ask. ‘I just want to know the lie of the land with him. And I do want to apologize. Jesus, Theo, there are times when a little confrontation isn’t a bad thing.’

  He flinches visibly. I’ve prodded an old wound; one where I have often told him he needs to be more confrontational. He told me once that, since his father died when he was young, he avoids anything looking remotely like discord.

  ‘I want to stop seeing Rose in every local male. To stop me viewing every man as Rose’s father.’ Theo is my friend. ‘Leah,’ I blurt her name, deciding in the moment to blame her. Ma-leah-cent. Bad Leah. ‘Leah thinks it could be you.’ I laugh out loud.

  Theo looks like I’ve muted him for life.

  ‘Yep.’ I’m nodding. ‘You’re married, or at least you were when Anna was alive. You’re an attractive man. You would never have left Harriet. The fact is, she left you.’

  Theo is staring at me, trying to gauge if I’m joking or not. ‘I have her phone.’ I reach to the floor for my handbag. ‘Anna’s phone.’ I wave it at him. ‘There’s messages, emails. I know I can probably find out if I want to find out, I’m just not sure if I should.’

  ‘You got the phone unlocked?’ he asks.

  ‘All her contacts, messages, emails. I’ve learned more about Anna since reading it for a few hours than I ever thought I knew. You think you know the people you love.’

  ‘Of course you knew her, just not all of her. I feel the same about Harriet.’

  ‘Theo.’ Something in my tone – maybe the way I’m just saying his name and the way it catches in my throat – makes him turn around. ‘I don’t think anyone understands. I know everyone loves me, that people are looking out for me and Rose, but I don’t think people get how that bit feels, that shock factor, except you.’ I find myself clutching my breast. He moves towards me and I hold my hand up. If he comes any closer, I’ll stop talking and I need to say this. ‘All the years we’ve been friends. All those times we chatted, I thought I knew and understood Anna. I thought we were friends. She had her life, I never expected to know every aspect of it, but she did confide in me.’ I gulp back saliva that has gathered in the back of my throat. ‘I now know that I focused on what she wanted me to see, the part I’d always approve of. The successful graduate who got a job offer after an internship with a bank. The hard-working mother who was kind to anyone she met. The choirgirl, for Chrissake.’

  Theo takes my hand, holds it between both of us. He has dark curling hair on the back of his right hand.

  ‘I never knew that Anna, even for love’s sake, would be capable of being with another woman’s husband. I never knew that she was afraid of telling me, afraid of me judging her.’ Tears slide down my cheeks, and his arms, they come. They come to me and hold me close. I lean into his chest. ‘I never knew, Theo, and I’m devastated. There are no words …’

  He tightens his grip until the tears subside and I pull away. I blow my nose into a tissue up my sleeve, breathe deep, and pull myself toge
ther.

  ‘Yesterday, even this morning, I thought I had it all sorted in my head, how Rose and I are going to move forward, that none of it matters, but … then this thing looms large again. What do you think? Should I pursue this goddamned “Who’s the Daddy?” mystery?’

  He shrugs, a heavy, deep-set movement of his shoulders. ‘Up to you. I suppose you run the risk of more hurt, but there’ll come a time when Rose will want to know her father.’

  I reach for her phone. The diamanté catches in the ceiling lights. I scroll though her numbers and find the number for Popeye. ‘Fuck it.’ I shrug. ‘Maybe you’re right. No time like the present.’ I press the number to ring it.

  And right at that moment a sound comes from the hall, from Theo’s briefcase. It’s a musical sound I don’t recognize, then I realize it’s the trill of a mobile. I leap up, drop Anna’s phone, see it fall in slow motion, hitting off my booted feet, and my blood runs icy cold.

  37. Anna

  Raw Honey Blogspot 16/03/2011

  Gramps has had a stroke.

  He’s in hospital.

  If he dies, I’ll never forgive myself. NEVER.

  I’m frightened.

  And I’m responsible.

  38. Theo

  She was strong. He had never had an occasion before, for all six foot four of his frame to be thrown from a house in what seemed like one smooth movement. His briefcase, tossed out after him, landed on the ground by his feet. He cursed Jess under his breath and dug out the phone to answer.

  ‘Theo Pope,’ he said into the line, and listened. He sighed heavily as he turned away from the slammed front door and beeped his car open. ‘Text me the full address and tell them I’ll be there in twenty minutes.’ He hated being on call; ran a hand through his hair, then gripped the steering wheel. What had just happened?

  He ran through it in his head during the eight-mile journey to see a known patient. A patient who regularly thought he was having a heart attack; a patient who regularly forgot his angina pills. He sensed it would be a wasted trip but could never take the chance. He was a doctor, and Angina Man could really be having a heart attack.

  They had been talking. He and Jess. She had joked about Leah thinking he could be Rose’s father. She had been joking, hadn’t she? He nodded to himself. Of course she was … Then she got upset. Her devastation at Anna’s double life hitting her again. It was when she waved Anna’s phone and dialled some number that—

  Shit. He braked hard in the middle of the road. Shit! Theo wanted to turn around, to explain, to just reassure her, to … He kept driving. There was a patient waiting on him three miles away.

  Miles Wallace was not having a heart attack. Miles Wallace refused to take his medication and Theo was not in the mood. Having given him a stern talking-to, he drove back to Jess’s. It was ten fifteen and there was the faint hue of lights on at the back of the house.

  Rather than ring the bell, he knocked on the door. No reply. He pushed the bell and then rang it again. Finally, he phoned Jess’s mobile, which he could hear ringing from the front of her house. He bent over at the waist, prised open the letterbox. Pug came running from the back and started barking.

  ‘Open the door, Jess.’ He could see her shadow through the narrow gap. ‘Open the door, or so help me, I’ll knock it down.’ He stood up, kicked the door, not once but twice. He could hear her footsteps scamper along the tiles inside.

  ‘Go away,’ she growled. ‘You’ll wake Rose!’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘You bastard! Go away!’

  He kicked the door again, aware his shoe was leaving a mark with each contact. ‘I am not going anywhere. You open the door now, Jess. Explain to me what it is you think I’ve done. I want to see the whites of your eyes when you tell me.’ He put his finger on the doorbell and within seconds she had opened it.

  ‘You fucker,’ she seethed.

  He had a palm on each side of the frame, leaning forward, primed for another kick. ‘Well, here I am, Jess, confronting the issue, eh? So come on, tell me.’ He moved his face towards hers. She instinctively backed away.

  ‘You,’ she spat the word. ‘You and Anna.’

  ‘Anna and me. Ahh yes, Anna and me, what were we?’ He was in the hallway now, closed the door behind him. He reached inside his jeans pocket and pulled a phone out. ‘Call it. Go on, you think you know the number. Call it.’ He neared her. ‘Call it!’

  She flinched, walked back to the kitchen, got Anna’s phone and stabbed the repeat button, held it out from her ear for effect. He walked past her into the kitchen, turned right and slumped into the tatty sofa, all the while watching her. ‘Well?’

  She redialled the number, this time taking the time to use the directory. Theo could hear it ringing in her ear from his side of the room. ‘This?’ He held up his phone. ‘This is the “on-call” phone for the surgery. It’s a different number to mine, obviously; it’s a communal surgery phone. Whatever doctor is on call with the out-of-hours service has it on them. I didn’t get a chance to explain when I arrived that I’m on call tonight.’

  Jess looked as though she had been frozen in time. Anna’s phone still held aloft, she hung up and didn’t move for about a minute. When she did, she walked to his side of the room, asked him to budge up and slumped next to him. It was a very tight squeeze. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I genuinely was showing you in case he, whoever he is, answered.’ Her voice had lowered to a whisper. ‘When a phone went off in your bag, what the hell was I supposed to think?’

  Theo leaned back as best he could in the tight space. He closed his eyes. ‘Jess.’ He shook his head and pressed on his eyes with a finger and thumb. A pain pulsed behind his eyeballs. ‘You were supposed to think, “No, Theo would never do that. I know him.”’

  ‘I “knew” Anna. You “knew” Harriet. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Not as sorry as me.’

  ‘Don’t say that.’

  ‘Honestly, Jess?’ He leaned forward again, almost knocking her off the seat. ‘Honestly, I don’t know what to say. It only came to me what you must have thought when I was driving to see my patient. I almost crashed the car.’

  ‘I never really believed, I mean, you must—’

  ‘No, you know what, we’ve known each other a long time. If you could think that even for a smidgeon of a second, then we’re not the friends I thought we were. You’re not the person I thought you were.’

  ‘You almost broke down my door to give me shit?’ She was on her feet in a second. ‘Why? Have I not had enough shit to deal with? Maybe you could cut me a little slack – I got it wrong. It looked very wrong. I had just told you I’m seeing Rose in every bloody man’s eyes. I’m sorry, Theo.’ She waved her hands around the room.

  ‘Sit down, Jess. It’s exhausting watching you.’

  She sat next to him again. ‘Let’s at least take this next door where we can sit in comfort.’ She walked away and he heard her settle into the sofa in the front living room. He had a choice; he could tell her to shove her friendship where the sun doesn’t shine, or he could go and tell her exactly what she meant to him. He followed her, took the armchair opposite her, and leaned forward on his hands. ‘You,’ he began, ‘mean the world to me.’

  ‘And you to me, I’m sorry.’ Her lovely eyes had filled with tears and it took everything he had not to kneel in front of her and wipe them away. ‘And I will never again tell you that you should be more confrontational. I prefer you exactly the way you are. That was a bit scary.’

  ‘The man you’re looking for is a whole lot more complex than me, I’m afraid. I try very hard to always do the right thing. I try very hard not to let people down. It’s who I am.’

  She nodded her head.

  He stood up. ‘Now, I’m going home.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because, Jess, in this new spirit of confronting things, all I want to do is reach across and touch you, kiss you. To be honest, my head is messed with it. I don’t know what to d
o with it other than tell you.’

  He watched her swallow hard.

  ‘Don’t go,’ she whispered.

  Somewhere, in the downstairs of the house, he could hear a clock ticking. It was like a warning, telling him that this time too would pass and to walk away now while he could.

  She stood up, neared him, and he could feel the heat of her. He could smell the scent of her. He could almost taste her. His mouth dried. ‘I’m going home,’ he repeated.

  She reached a hand up and touched his face. All the scenarios unfolded in his head and none of them he would recover from. She, he knew, would walk away from this, whatever this was, whatever it ended up being the next day. Her touch was charged, sending shivers through him. The reaction in his groin was instant.

  He placed a hand over hers, kissed her fingers, reached out and pulled her to him. His face in her hair, his fingers coiling around the strands. He didn’t want to let go. He was afraid if he let go, this moment would never pass his way again. He was afraid if he didn’t he would be changed forever. ‘I can’t,’ he whispered.

  He thought of Jacqueline. They weren’t committed. They weren’t exclusive. Who was he kidding? He knew Jacqueline thought they were having a ‘thing’, even if it hadn’t been confirmed as a thing.

  ‘Stay.’ Jess’s head rested on his chest. Her arms clung to his neck. She raised her face to his and he lowered his lips to hers. It was soft at first, a gentle meeting of lips. Then his hands were in her shirt and, dear God, she had such soft skin. His right hand cupped her breast. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Of course she wasn’t wearing a bra. He had known that hours earlier. She moaned as he touched her and the sound, like a gasp with a tiny sigh effect, made his dick feel like it would burst.

  She moved against him, like a stationary dance, a slow grind. She kissed him, a teasing kiss and he pulled away. ‘I—’