by Mia Carson
“What are you going to do?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? I don’t understand.”
“I have no proof that anything she said is true. But I believe her now. I’m going to tell her that, I’m going to tell Ken and Helen and Tom and Mary that, and I’m going to ask them to forgive me. After that, we’ll see what happens.”
“You think telling her family will make any difference?”
“How can it hurt? I messed up. The least I can do is own up to my mistake.”
She looked at her feet. “I think you’re making a mistake.”
“It’s my mistake to make, and it won’t be my first one.”
“Do you still love her? Is that what’s making you do this?”
“I don’t know, Mom. I really don’t. I didn’t think so, but now I’m not sure. Maybe. The only thing I know for her sure is I loved her once, and I owe her and her family an apology for acting like a dick.”
She held my gaze for a long time. “I always liked Ella.”
“I know. She adored you and Dad.”
“You really think she was telling the truth?”
“Yes, I do. When I talked to her the first time, I knew she believed what she was saying, but seeing Steve’s reaction today, yeah, I believe her.”
“And you don’t think you’re reading too much into it?”
I shook my head. “No. You learn real fast as a cop to tell when someone is lying to you. Steve is guilty as shit of rape and he knows it. He thinks he’s gotten away with it, but he knows what he did was wrong.”
Her mouth thinned. “And I can’t talk you into dropping this?”
“I’m just going to apologize. That’s all.”
“You’re not going to do something stupid, are you?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, like go after Steve Calhoun?”
“No, nothing like that.”
She nodded. “And you’re not going to get involved with Ella again?”
That was a harder question to answer. “I don’t know. We’ll see. I think I probably burned that bridge. I don’t think she’s interested in me anymore.”
“You’re just going to apologize to Ella and her family and let it drop? Are you trying to clear your conscious?”
“That’s the plan. And yeah, maybe that’s all I’m trying to do.”
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “This is some fucked up shit, Levi. I don’t know—”
“Mom!” I cried and chuckled, stunned she threw the F-bomb. I couldn’t have been more surprised if she’d started flapping her arms and flew around the shop.
She twittered out a laugh. “Well, it is. I’m worried you’re not thinking clearly. I don’t want you dragged through mud on this, and I don’t want to see you hurt again. You know how Hamlinton is.”
“Yeah, I know. Mr. Goodall showed up, and by tomorrow everyone in town will know Steve and I had a pissing contest in his parts department. But you know what? I don’t care. Now that I think about it, that’s what pissed me off more than anything. Steve was acting like she was some two-dollar whore, not the mother of his child. I’m not going to tolerate it. I might be the only person in town, other than her family, who will stand up for her, but I’m not standing around while people run Ella down, and I’m not going to act like she brought this on herself. She’s the victim, Mom. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.”
“You know people are going to talk.”
“Let ‘em talk. I don’t care, I really don’t. This is the right thing to do.”
She smiled at me. “You’re a good boy, a good man, Levi. Don’t ever lose that. I’m afraid you’re making a mistake, but I’m proud of you for doing what you think is right.”
I returned to my task, quickly loosening the two bolts holding the next blade. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”
Lunch was a chilly affair. I could tell neither Mom nor Dad agreed with my decision to get involved, but I didn’t care. For the first time since I’d been home I felt like I had my feet firmly on the ground. Hamlinton handled scandals by sweeping them under the rug and whispering about it. That wasn’t going to fly with this one, or maybe it would, but I’d become one of the ones they’d whisper about. Either way, I didn’t care. I didn’t expect Steve or Cat to end up in jail since I couldn’t prove rape, but Ella wasn’t going to have to face the whispers and the knowing smiles alone anymore. If Hamlinton didn’t like it, then the whole town could go fuck itself.
After lunch I returned to my work. Mom and Dad left me to it, probably sensing they were walking on thin ice with me over this. I’d made up my mind and nothing they could say would change it.
I finished the first header, backed the machine out, and pulled the other one in. By the time I’d finished changing the second set of knives, it was almost dark. I’d completed both headers and only cut myself badly enough to bleed once. I considered that a win.
I thought about showering and running into town to apologize after Ella got off but decided after this morning, I needed to give her a little notice. I probably wasn’t very popular with her at the moment.
After I had dinner, I was in a much better mood than I’d been at lunch, and Mom and Dad weren’t quite so distant. Even though nothing was said about Ella or my plans, by the time the meal was over, we’d put our disagreement behind us. I was a grown ass man, and if I wanted to step in a pile of shit, it was my business.
I cleaned up and settled down. About nine, I dialed the number Ella had when we were dating. I’d deleted it from my contacts years ago, but my fingers knew the number as if I’d last dialed it yesterday. I didn’t know if she still had it, but it was the only number I had for her.
The call went straight to voicemail. This is Ella. I can’t take your call right now, but leave me a message and I’ll call you back. I smiled, taking it as a sign this was the right thing to do.
“Ella, this is Levi. I’d like to talk to you. Please call me back. It’s important.” I hung up and placed my phone aside.
It was nearly ten before my phone rang. “Hi,” I said.
“What do you want?”
I cringed. She wasn’t happy. “I need to talk to you. Not just you, but you and your family.”
“Why?”
“Not over the phone.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why?”
“You said you weren’t going to cause trouble, but you almost cost me my job this morning.”
“I’m sorry about that. Do you want me to talk to Mr. Goodall and explain what happened?”
“No! Absolutely not! You’ve caused enough trouble already.”
“I just need ten or fifteen minutes of your time, then if you want, I’ll never speak to you again.”
“That’s what you said the last time.”
“Ella, please, I give you my word. This is important to me. Just do me this one favor, for old times’ sake if nothing else.”
She sighed. “Fine.”
“I’ll meet you at your trailer right after you get off.”
“I need to get Abby first.”
“I’d like you to meet me alone first. And if you can arrange it, I’d like to talk to your parents and grandparents as well, after I talk to you.”
“What are you up to, Levi?”
“Just do me this favor. After I talk to you, if you don’t want me talking to your parents, then okay. But let me say what I need to before you shut the door on me completely.” I paused, but when she didn’t answer, I pressed. “If I ever meant anything to you, do this for me.”
“That’s low,” she growled but I said nothing. “Fine. Be at my place at eight. I’ll talk to Mom and Dad, but you’re on their shit list again after this morning, so I make no promises.”
“I’ll take that. Thank you.”
“After this, we’re done. Clear? I don’t want any more trouble.”
“I understand.”
�
�I hope so. I can’t afford to lose my job,” she said and was gone.
10
Ella
I glanced at the clock again. I had become obsessive about looking at it. It was 7:53, only two minutes later than the last time I’d looked. Levi was probably waiting for me at home right now.
He’d called me last night as I was talking to Mom and Dad. As I spoke with them, I was defending him. It had gone sideways when I lost my temper because he was being a smart-ass, but he was standing up for me with Steve. As I worked my shift at Dolly’s last night, I kept going back to him making fun of the size of Steve’s penis and being a ‘two-pump chump.’ The look on Steve’s face had been priceless. Levi’s comments had really stung him.
Steve’s reputation around town with the women was he was a lazy, selfish lover who only thought of his own pleasure. Maybe he did have a little penis and couldn’t hold his nut. I didn’t know and didn’t want to know, but all night, every time I thought of the look on his face, I smiled.
What had me nervous was what Levi wanted to talk about. I thought he and I were square after our last talk when I’d laid it all out for him. When I’d seen him at Goodall’s he seemed perfectly normal, friendly even, until Steve walked in. I didn’t know if he was going to tell me to go take a flying fuck, that I’d gotten what I deserved, or what. And why did he want to talk to my parents? That part made no sense unless he was going to try to explain away what happened in Goodall’s, and that made me all the more nervous. I made myself a promise that no matter what he told me, I wasn’t going to cry in front of him. I was all out of tears for him. I just hoped it was a promise I could keep.
A month later, my shift finally ended, and with weak legs and a dry mouth, I clocked out and walked to my car. Five minutes later I pulled into my drive. As expected, Levi was already there. I’d given Mom and Dad a heads up this morning that Levi might come with me to get Abby. They didn’t seem as opposed to the idea as I expected, and Dad even joked he’d make sure the shotgun was loaded. I think he was joking.
Levi stepped out of his truck, his face serious. The weakness in my knees worsened. This was going to be bad.
“Come on inside. Let’s get this over with,” I said, jerking my head at the door. I was being abrupt with him, but it was the only way I could keep from shaking in shoes. I unlocked the door and ushered him in.
“Have a seat. Want anything?”
“No,” he said, and he didn’t sit, so neither did I.
He held my gaze a moment, and I tightened down on my emotions. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry, I kept telling myself.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for everything that happened. I’m sorry—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupted. “Steve was being an asshole. I’m glad—”
“Let me finish,” he said, talking over me. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. I should have known you wouldn’t screw around on me. I—”
“Wait!” I cried before he could continue. “What are you talking about?”
“That night at the barn. Steve, Cat, the drug, the rape, all of it. I should have believed you. I should have been here for you. I made you a promise that no matter what, I’d always be there for you, and I wasn’t.”
I stared at him for a long moment. Of all the things I thought he might say to me, this was near the bottom of the list. “You believe me?”
“I do now.”
“Why? What changed?”
“Steve. I saw it in his eyes yesterday.”
I’d made myself a promise, but I wasn’t going to be able to keep it. I sniffed. “You believe me when I say I was drugged and I didn’t know?”
“Yes. All of it.”
“I loved you so much. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“Why, Levi? Why didn’t you believe in me? I knew you couldn’t come home, but you hurt me so much when you never called. After you got out of boot camp, you never called. Why?”
“I was an asshole. I should have, but you didn’t come to the graduation. I thought that meant you were ashamed of what you’d done and if you were going to marry the guy then—”
“I was never going to marry that asshole! Those were just rumors! Why did you believe them?”
“I don’t know. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
He looked so…broken. I sniffed again. “I was ashamed. Ashamed of what I’d done, ashamed that I’d hurt you, ashamed I was carrying another man’s child. I couldn’t face you. I was afraid to face you, to see you again, afraid you’d reject me, and when you didn’t call, I thought that meant I was right.” I was losing my control and began to cry.
He pulled me into his chest, his arms around me, and I wept. I wept for everything that had happened and everything I’d lost. I thought he’d trusted me, and when he’d turned his back on me, that had been a crushing blow. Without him, without the strength he gave me, I couldn’t fight, and I’d given in. Like a dog that had been kicked too many times, I simply lay there and took it.
“I’m so, so, sorry,” I blubbered into his chest. “I hurt you so much. I should have never gone with Cat. If I hadn’t—”
He began to stroke my head. Shhh…” he murmured. “You did nothing wrong. I’m the one who was wrong. I know you have no reason to trust me, but I promise you, you’re not alone in this anymore,” he murmured.
His words made me cry harder. I gripped his shirt in my fists and held on tight. He held me, saying nothing as he gently stroked my head. It was the best thing he could do. He always seemed to know exactly what to do. After a long time, my tears began to slow.
“I’m sorry,” I sniffed as I pulled back and wiped at the wet spot on his chest.
He smiled at me, the same gentle smile I’d seen so many times before. “It’s okay. I’ll dry.”
“I’m sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry all this happened. I wish—”
“Enough,” he said as he softly placed his finger against my lips to still my voice, a very gentle, loving, gesture. “Don’t ever apologize to me for that again.” He removed his finger. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing, understand? I’m the one who—”
I touched his lips as he had mine. “Enough,” I whispered. “You weren’t here. You couldn’t have known. It’s this fucking town. I hate this place.”
“I’m here now, like I should have been before.”
“I can’t tell you how much having you believe me means to me. You, of all people, I wanted to believe me.”
“I do. I’m just sorry—”
I touched his lips again. “Shhhh. We both made mistakes. I should have trusted you…”
He pulled my finger aside. “And I should have trusted you.”
“Can you forgive me?” I asked.
“No.” The word cut me like a knife. “There’s nothing for me to forgive,” he continued before I could react. I whimpered as my tears threatened again. “Will you forgive me?”
We’d both made a single terrible mistake: we hadn’t believed in each other. If I’d believed in him and had gone to him with his parents as they had wanted me too, I wouldn’t have given him more cause to doubt me. If he’d believed in me and called, I’d have known he still wanted and loved me. But the breakdown started with me. I’d gone to the party, and I’d been the first one to break the trust by not going to San Antonio. I should have gone and told him what happened myself.
I leaned into his chest again. “There’s nothing to forgive,” I whispered.
His arms went around me again, and suddenly, my world was a little bit brighter. I stood in his arms for a long time, but not long enough, not nearly long enough.
“We have to go get Abby.”
“We?”
I nodded, my face still against his chest. “You wanted to talk to my family, right?” I felt his head move. “Then we should go. They’ll be worried.”
His arms relaxed slightly, and I pulled away with
a soft sigh. I wanted him to kiss me, but he made no move. I’d learned my lesson, so I kissed him, the barest brushing of my lips against his. He didn’t recoil in horror but gently kissed me back before we allowed the kiss to dissolve. Baby steps. We were going to have to take it in baby steps.
“Ride with me?”
He nodded and followed me to my car. Without thought I went to the passenger side and he to the driver’s, just like we always had, like the past five years hadn’t happened.
We drove in silence. In the past his right hand would be resting on my leg on an empty road like this, but he kept both hands on the wheel. It was like we were starting over. Maybe we were.
“I have to tell you, I’m scared shitless about seeing your parents,” he said as we approached Mom and Dad’s house.
“Don’t be. It’s going to be okay.”
We pulled to a stop in front of the house. We approached side by side. When I opened the door, everyone was there, standing in the hall, as I stepped in. Levi followed, his eyes lowered. I wanted him to stand up and meet their gaze. He had nothing to apologize for.
“Mommy!” Abby called.
“Hey, baby,” I said, scooping her up into my arms. “How are you?”
“Good. Grandma let me feed the chickens.”
“That’s great. Listen, Mommy needs to talk to Grandma and Grandpa, okay? Can you go play for a minute?”
“I want to go,” she protested, wrapping her arms around my neck, holding onto Theodore in one hand.
“We’re going to in just a second. Can you help Mommy by going to play for a few minutes?”
She twisted her mouth to the side like she was thinking about it. “Okay. Can I have a cookie?”
“Grandma will get you a cookie in a minute, okay?”
“I’ll get you a cookie, Abby, dear,” her great-grandma said, taking her from my arms. Grandma caught my gaze, gave me a small nod, and I smiled in thanks.
I stepped back and stood beside Levi in a silent gesture of support. The floor was all his.
“Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Mr. Johnson,” he began. He suddenly seemed to find strength and straightened as he held each of their eyes in turn. “I don’t know how to put this, so I’ll just come right out and say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I treated Mary Ella, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for her, and I’m sorry for believing all the lies about her.”
