by Kate Morris
“It will be. It’ll let up. Here, drink this. There’s medicine in it to help with the pain.”
Reagan lies down and raises up on her elbow, resting her head on her hand.
She asks after sipping the hot beverage, “Are you going to tell Cory?”
Paige shakes her head. “I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Drink some more,” she orders. “Why not? Why would you not tell him?”
“I don’t want this to influence him.”
“You don’t want him to feel obligated to marry you? Too late. He already wants to.”
Paige nods and starts crying. Reagan stands and pulls her cot closer so that she can rub Paige’s back.
“I don’t even know why I’m crying!” she exclaims. “It’s not like I wanted to be pregnant. I was glad when the test was negative.”
“I know,” Reagan says with understanding. “It’s the hormone dump. Your body is changing again from being pregnant one minute and literally the next being not so. It’s dumping all the hormones you just built up being pregnant. This is normal. Don’t worry about it.”
“I didn’t even know I was pregnant. This just sucks.”
“Are you sad because you miscarried, Paige?”
She shrugs.
“It’s ok. I won’t tell anyone.”
“I didn’t want to be pregnant. I was so stressed out when I thought I might be. I was freaking out trying to figure out how to tell Cory. Then I was freaking out more thinking of a way to break it to my brother. But I didn’t want to have it.”
“Sometimes we don’t even know we want something until it’s gone. Maybe it’s time to stop worrying about what’s gonna happen and just try to find some happiness for now.”
She shrugs and frowns. Her gray eyes are tortured.
“I would never want to bring a child into this world.”
Reagan nods. “I know. I felt the same way. But then Jacob came along, and I was okay with that. He changed me a lot, changed my mind about children. Mind you, I still wasn’t wanting to have any. I was afraid I’d die or the baby would die or both of us. I was afraid that this world is just too ruined for children to exist in it. Then Charlotte. She really changed my perspective about a lot of things. When I look at her, really look in her eyes, I feel like I can see hope for the future, and that’s not something I’ve felt in a really long time.”
“She is precious.”
“I always felt like it was unfair to bring a baby into a world like this. Look at Daniel. I wasn’t even sure he’d live, but he did. And you know what? This world isn’t so bad, not always. Sometimes I think it might actually be better.”
Paige snorts in disbelief.
“I had my whole life planned out. I’m sure you did, too. And I’m sure when you thought of your future and kids and all that, you never thought it would look like this. I never even wanted kids. Or a husband! Life’s complicated. It was even before this all happened, but we have to learn to adapt. There’s no reason you can’t be happy. If you love Cory, just love him, hold onto him and don’t let go. And I was never the kind of person before who would’ve given someone relationship advice like this, but now that I have John and my little family, I understand what it means to be truly, truly happy and content. I just want the same for you because I care about you.”
“Thanks,” she says softly. “I care about you, too. And the whole family. Crap!”
The tears start again. Reagan smiles sympathetically and rubs her back some more. Paige uses the bathroom two more times. She eventually drinks all of the tea. Then she finally falls asleep right before five a.m. after they talk longer and discuss her regrettable situation.
Reagan takes her temperature and monitors her heartbeat. She is concerned that with Paige’s blood loss only months ago from the shooting she’ll become anemic again from this. She will have to closely keep an eye on her for hemorrhaging.
She rises from her cot and stretches her back, having forgotten how uncomfortable it can be not sleeping in her own bed. The sun will rise soon, one of her favorite times on the farm, so she goes out onto the cement stoop in front of the shed and sits with her blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
“Hey, sexy mama,” John says as he approaches, taking her breath away like he always does.
“I told you to stop calling me that,” she reproaches. “Plus, these,” she says, indicating her breasts, “aren’t gonna last forever, ya’ know. As soon as I stop breastfeeding, they’ll be just as small as before.”
“You weren’t that small. I mean, you are small, but your breasts were just fine. They’re perfect,” he says and pulls her to her feet for a long, searing kiss. “Kelly said Paige is in the shed for girl problems? What’s really going on?”
She figured that lie wouldn’t work on John. He’s not afraid to tackle women’s issues, either, so he would go in to check on her even if she was just having cramps. Nothing seems to embarrass him.
“Don’t tell anyone,” she says, getting a nod. “She miscarried last night.”
“I thought…”
“Yeah, well, we all did,” Reagan says. “I should’ve checked her myself instead of relying on a test from the clinic.”
“Oh, man,” John says, hanging his head and sighing. “Man, that’s too bad. Is she ok?”
“Health wise? Yes. I think she’s pretty sad right now, though. She didn’t know, either. She believed the test.”
“Cory?”
“No, he doesn’t know, and she doesn’t want him to.”
He nods. “Got it. Can I help? Does she need anything?”
Reagan shakes her head.
“Do you need anything?”
This is one of the things she loves most about her husband. He’s always thinking of her, putting her first, sacrificing anything he must to ensure her happiness and comfort. Reagan shakes her head again.
“I don’t know how I’m gonna keep this from Grandpa,” she explains. “I mean, he’s not going to believe this whole farce of her needing to be in the shed for a difficult period.”
“Let her rest,” John says, touching the side of her face, the side with the fading scar. “Then talk to her about it. Not everyone needs to know, but explain to her that your grandpa should be kept in the loop in case there’s a medical emergency with her.”
“Well, yeah! I would like him to be in on this,” Reagan admits.
“Right,” he says, agreeing with her. “She’s just traumatized right now by it all. And probably scared.”
“Yeah, she is,” Reagan says with a nod. “I feel bad for Cory, too. He doesn’t even know.”
“She’ll probably tell him. Just let her do it on her own. It’s too soon, and she’s probably too upset.”
“She was,” Reagan says, always surprised by her husband’s intuition.
They sit on the cement stoop together and watch the sunrise between kissing and holding hands.
“I’m glad you’re home again,” she says, leaning against his arm.
“For now. We’re not done yet. We’re going on another ambush tonight,” he reveals.
Reagan nods against him but doesn’t say anything. She wants him to stop putting himself in danger but knows that what he’s doing is saving many people’s lives, including children.
“The Professor was great the last few trips,” John tells her. “He’s such an expert.”
“Good,” Reagan says. “Too bad he’s not as good with relationships.”
“I think him and Cory will eventually work out their differences. I mean, they both want the same thing, right? Paige to be happy.”
“No, I meant Sam.”
“Oh, right,” John says with a sigh. “He better dig his head outta’ his rear-end before Henry snatches her up for his own. And we aren’t gonna stop him, either. He’s a good guy.”
“Why do you think he’s doing this, this pushing her away thing that he does?”
John shrugs. Reagan shoves into him.
“Come on,” she urges. “You’re the expert at this crap.”
Her husband chuckles, a deep-pitched and comforting sound, “My best guess is that he sees her as a kid still. I don’t know, babe. This one’s a mystery even to me. Obviously, he has feelings for her, right? Obviously, he doesn’t want her to be with Henry because the dude about blew a gasket the other day in town. That almost got bad. I think we all saw what Simon’s capable of. That wouldn’t have been good.”
“No, I would hate to see our relationship with Dave and his men go sour, too.”
“Nah, Dave wouldn’t allow stuff like that to come between us. He’ll always be our ally.”
“Good,” Reagan says and pauses a moment before continuing. “You know, Sue and Hannie wanted me to talk to Simon about this issue.”
“About Sam?”
She nods and says, “Yes, me. I mean, are they serious?”
John kisses the top of her head and says, “You’re probably the closest with him. It makes sense. He looks up to you and your grandfather more than anyone else on the farm. He can’t talk to Cory about it. Heck, I don’t think he would even if he wasn’t having problems with Cory right now. Simon’s a very private, quiet, introverted person. He’s always in his own world. Hm, reminds me of someone I know.”
“Shush,” she scolds.
“If you think for one second that he does love her, you’d better intervene soon, or she’ll be lost to us for good.”
“I don’t want that,” Reagan frets.
“None of us do, but there isn’t going to be anything we can do to stop it,” he says casually. “Plus, I do want her to be happy. If she can be happy with Henry, then that’s what I’ll support.”
Reagan swallows hard. She’d been hoping that Sam would return to the farm soon to live. She’d genuinely believed that she was just over there to help her uncle establish the clinic and that she’d come back when it was done. Now, she seems to be coming for visits less and less, too. This leaves Reagan feeling a moment of panic. She wants her little friend, their little Sam to come back. The family hasn’t been the same without her.
She sits with her husband a while longer until he decides to run a patrol route through the woods. He also wants to check in with the three men from her father’s compound who are staying in Derek and Sue’s house.
Sometimes her life feels like a pressure cooker ready to burst. There is always some source of stress and anxiety in her life. Paige just miscarried last night. Simon doesn’t know yet, but she’s pretty sure he will eventually and they’ll all have to worry about what he’ll do in retaliation to Cory. Sam is gone and may never return to the farm. The highwaymen are a considerable threat in their lives. Her father is a pain in their ass, or maybe just hers.
She sighs, stands and stretches out her back. She can’t wait to start running again. Not exercising is contributing to her lack of stress relief. In today’s environment, she’ll die before her thirtieth birthday from a stress-induced heart attack.
Reagan tries to think of how Grams would handle all of this. It helps. She yawns, arches her back, and heads into the shed to get a little sleep. Grams always used to say that everything would look better in the morning after a good night’s sleep. She crawls into her cot and closes her eyes. She hopes her grandmother was right because life couldn’t possibly be more difficult or fraught with stress.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Paige
Two days after her miscarriage, Paige is still feeling like crap and staying close to the house. She’d been such a fool. She was still having the same, strange symptoms like intermittent nausea and tenderness in her breasts. She shouldn’t have ignored it. Reagan has assured her that it was nothing she did to cause the miscarriage, that they happen all the time and are in no way indicative of future pregnancy results. She can’t help but blame herself, though. For not wanting to be pregnant in the first place, her level of guilt over the loss of the baby is eating at her.
The men left again yesterday to perform another ambush against the highwaymen. This time according to John and Kelly when they’d returned, they hadn’t been as lucky. One of Robert’s men was killed. They also didn’t manage to take out quite as many of the highwaymen, either, only twelve. To make matters worse, the prisoners in town won’t talk. The only ones left are the two teenagers, and Paige is left to speculate about what happened to the others. She can only imagine.
Years ago, she might’ve felt differently about using torture tactics with prisoners of war, but not anymore. She’s seen what these animals do, what they did to women and children whose most nefarious deed was to be traveling on the same road as them. These people get what they deserve.
“Feeling better?” Cory asks as he sneaks up behind her in the music room where she is sketching out an architectural drawing.
“Yeah, thanks,” Paige says. It’s not a total lie. She does feel a little better, sore and achy but better.
Cory kneels down in front of her since she is perched on the bay window seat. It has the best light in the house.
“Cory, don’t,” she says, looking over his head toward the open doorway. “Simon’s back. You shouldn’t even be in here with me alone.”
“I know. I’m just worried about you.”
“Don’t be. I’m fine.”
He scowls and touches the back of her hand gently. “You’re so pale, and you look really tired.”
She frowns and says, “You really know how to flatter a girl.”
Cory reaches out and lets the backs of his knuckles skim down over her cheek. It causes a shiver to run through her, though she tries to hide her reaction from him.
“You know what I mean. Something’s going on, isn’t it? Are you hiding something from me? Are you sick, Paige?”
The use of her actual name makes her insides do a little flip. Paige tries to steel herself against his charm, even though she really doesn’t think he’s trying to be charming.
“No, I’m not sick. I’d tell you.” Talking in the kitchen draws their attention. “That’s Simon!” she hisses. “Go. Go away now before he comes in here. I don’t want to upset him.”
“Not until you tell me what’s going on,” he bribes.
“No way.”
There’s really no way to get into that conversation in less than five seconds anyway.
“Then I’ll wait for your brother to come in, and then we’ll discuss it- all three of us together.”
“Cory,” she pleads with frustration. “Damn it. Fine. Later, though. Not right now.”
“When?” he says, standing up again.
“Another day…”
“Today,” he dictates.
“Fine, today. But now right now.”
“When?” he demands.
She can hear Simon’s voice growing louder as he comes closer to the music room.
“Um, after dinner, ok? I’ll meet you behind the horse barn in the woods.”
He nods, leans down and grabs the back of her head, pulling her toward him. Cory presses a kiss to the top of her head and then leaves. Her brother walks in a moment later.
“I’m going out to collect herbs. Need anything?” he asks, obviously not having seen Cory making his sly escape.
“Can I come with you?”
He frowns and says, “Sure.”
Paige has been cooped up, not wanting to wander too far from the nearest bathroom for a few days. It’ll feel good to stretch her legs.
They walk together toward the woods behind the barns, and luckily her brother isn’t in a hurry. He seems slightly more relaxed than usual.
“When are you guys going back out?” she asks, looking up at him, observing his auburn hair in the sunlight, his pale blue polo shirt, and khaki pants. He looks like he’s headed to a high school debate competition, not out for an afternoon stroll collecting medicinal herbs in the post-apocalyptic countryside.
“Don’t know. Maybe tonight. We’re waiting on Dave’s call over the radio.”
“Right,” she says with a shaky nod. “I wish you didn’t have to go. I get so scared when you guys are gone, like you won’t come back, Simon.”
He offers a pained grin and says, “I’m in a lot less danger than the others. They usually have me somewhere high taking care of business while they’re down in the thick of it.”
She nods, completely and fully comprehending what he means. She doesn’t like this, either. It means the other men, Cory included, are in the most danger.
“Plus, with the new ghillie suit, it makes my job even easier.”
She frowns and says, “Yeah, I suppose so.”
“It does! The other night, I had a person walk right past me. I mean, right past, as in within inches and he could’ve stepped on me. That thing’s great.”
She nods, her eyes widening at the thought of one of those creeps being so close to her brother. It makes her sick to her stomach.
“If only you could all where ghillie suit thingys.”
“Nah, wouldn’t work. The others need to be able to move more quickly than me. My whole tactical motive is to move around in a sneaky, slow motion. Not like the others. They’re zipping around quickly trying to find the best advantage.”
“True.”
They arrive in a glen, and Simon squats to do some picking of weeds that have white flowers coming out of the tops of them. Paige takes a seat on a fallen log.
“Cory fell down last night, got some road rash on his back,” he tells her. “Guess he lost his rifle in the dark on some hill.”
“Oh, good Lord.”
“Yes, I’m sure he was saying some prayers of his own,” he teases with a smirk.
“What’d he do?”
“In typical Cory fashion, of course, when he fell down, two men saw it happen and attacked him.”
“What?” she asks, a bit hysterical, earning an admonishing glance from her brother.
“He’s fine. He did what he does best, if you know what I mean.”
“How? If he lost his rifle?”
“Cory doesn’t need a rifle to kill people. You of all people should know that.”
She does. She saw a lot of violence in him when they went on short runs together. It was a totally different side than she was used to. She didn’t judge him for it, though. It’s what kept them alive.
