Survivor's Guilt

by Cassy Roop

  I paused, taking a deep breath trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. As I looked away from her, Ellie placed her small hand on top of mine and I turned back to look at her. A beautiful smile was on her face and her eyes were tender, not filled with grief like I had seen them everyday for a month, but instead they looked almost…alive.

  “I think the carnival sounds like a great idea. Besides, you had me at funnel cake. Wait for me to change?”

  “Of course,” I said chuckling and returned her smile, one that wasn’t forced. Wasn’t conjured up from the mask I showed others, but felt real. Felt almost…happy. And it was all because of her.

  COTTON CANDY, CORN DOGS, and a KISS

  THE BRIGHT LIGHTS from all the rides shone back at us as we bought our bracelets from the ticket counter. I couldn’t remember the last time I went to a carnival or fair that had rides. A new, fresher feeling came over me as we walked through the grass taking in all of the noise, excitement and laughter all around us. The surroundings made it painfully hard not to have a smile on our faces, or for one night, just enjoy time. Enjoy the feeling of being alive.

  “So, what first? Food or rides?” Evan asked as he looked at me with a bright smile. I could tell his excitement level was just as high as mine. I tapped a single finger against my lips contemplating a game plan.

  “How about we do the crazy rides first, then take a break to eat? That way we don’t get sick on the Zipper or the Tilt-a-Whirl.”

  “I think that sounds like a brilliant idea,” He answered and reached for my hand tugging me towards the Gravitron. We stood in line waiting our turn as we watched the giant spaceship travel around in a circle at breakneck speed. The colors mixed together in a long line of blended greens, blues, yellows and reds.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever been on this ride before,” I admitted.

  “What?” He asked as he placed his hand over his heart and feigned hurt. “You’ve never been on the awesomeness that is the Gravitron? I don’t even know you anymore,” he laughed and shook his head at me as the ride slowed and eventually came to a stop allowing the passengers to get off before we showed our bracelets to the operator and went inside.

  Red padded walls surrounded the inside with what looked like thin strap belts hanging from each one.

  “What do we do?” I asked not knowing where to go.

  He took my hand again, something that was beginning to feel really…nice, and leant me up against the red pads.

  “You just lean against it. Put the belt over you and wait for the fun to begin.”

  “Seriously? That’s it? No metal bar? No secure straps?” I said looking at him with wide eyed shock. Suddenly, I didn’t think it was a great idea to go on this ride.

  “Yes, just trust me, okay?” He asked. I stood back with my arms crossed over my chest as he buckled himself in and looked at me as if saying “See?” I studied his features. The normal worry lines that were between his eyes were smooth now. The dark circles that had graced both of our eyes appeared lighter, giving his eyes almost a youthful look. Couple that with the fact that he looked as giddy as a twelve year old, and I couldn’t help but relent.

  “Fine, but if I throw up, I’m aiming in your direction,” I said as I took the pad next to him and secured the belt across my midsection. The operator came around to each person testing that the belts were secure and then loud music began to play as the ride began to move.

  Okay. So far, so good. Nothing major happening.

  “Who is ready to rock?” The operator’s voice beamed through the hidden speakers in the man-made space craft. Hoots and cat whistles scatter sporadically throughout the ride as everyone gets psyched up. The craft starts to spin faster and I notice how my backside starts to be forcefully glued to the padding at my back. I turn my head to see Evan’s gorgeous smile beaming back at me as one of his eyebrows lifts higher.

  “Having fun yet?” He yelled, trying to carry his voice over the sound of the music. The ride spins faster.

  And faster.

  And faster.

  Until the point I am now completely plastered to the wall of the ride. My face suddenly feels like I have had a facelift as the skin peels back. I smile and laugh as the feeling of almost being weightless overcomes me.

  “Oh my God! This is amazing!” I yell and I can faintly hear the sound of Evan’s reply. I turned my head to the side again, this time it was harder due to the gravity pulling against me and met Evan’s eyes that are once more, starting straight at me. Reaching over, I grab his hand and entwine my fingers with his.

  I can’t say exactly what it was that passed between us. Some strange, but intense feeling that materialized out of both of our grief. It was because of him, that I was able to add a few rays of sunshine back into the darkness that had become my life. His smile soothed me, comforted me, and made me feel the faintest hint of butterflies in my stomach. His eyes sparkled with delight, and with the feelings that he created in me, I have no doubt that my expression matched his own.

  The ride began to slow, bringing us both back down to earth where we had ascended to a new height.

  And not just from the ride.

  I kept repeating Jeremy’s words over and over in my mind.

  “I need you to live.”

  The ride came to a final stop and we unbuckled our belts and made our way off the space ship, laughing and smiling all the way. I had to wipe at my eyes, praying that the tears were forced from them as my head clung to the wall of the Gravitron.

  “So thoughts about your first trip to outer space?” Evan asked me as he still noticeably held onto my hand as we began walking around towards the other rides.

  “Space is nice, but I feel like my makeup is smeared across my face,” I chuckled as I wiped again at my eyes with my free hand.

  “Nah, you still look as beautiful as ever,” he said nonchalantly like he said things like that to me all the time. My steps faltered and if it hadn’t been for his hold on my hand, I probably would have kissed the ground beneath my feet.

  “Where to now, miss?” He asked playfully as he bowed in my direction in a fake chivalrous move. I thought about it for a moment as I let go of his hand and did a full three hundred and sixty degree turn around the park.

  “The Zipper,” I stated matter of factly.

  His face fell and an ashen look crossed his face.

  “What? What’s wrong? Don’t you like the Zipper?”

  Swallowing, he walked over to me and leaned in to whisper in my ear, the warmth of his breath sending an involuntary shiver through my body. My body felt like it was buzzing, a dull hum that could be felt from my fingers all the way to my toes.

  “When I was fourteen,” He whispered as if it were one of the best kept secrets in the world, “I rode the Zipper with Nancy Farmer. It was all fun and games until I got sick and threw up all over her. Needless to say, she never called me after that.”

  He tried to act like he was embarrassed as he pulled away from me, but I saw the tug at the corner of his mouth when he tried to hide his smile.

  “Well,” I said as I laid a hand upon his chest and gave him a playful shove, “You haven’t eaten, I’m not Nancy Farmer, and instead of not calling you, I’ll just kick your ass if you get sick on me.”

  I folded my arms across my chest trying to act stern, trying to keep the laughter that was building within me as he looked at me with a playfully shocked expression. I couldn’t contain it and the dam broke, expelling my laughter out into the crowd and throwing my head back. My abs began to hurt as I felt him approach me, large hands circling around my waist and I snapped my head back up to look at him. He looked at me seriously for a moment and I couldn’t tell by his features what he was thinking. The laughter died within me as I stared into his blue eyes, feeling consumed by the pools of blue ink before me.

  Suddenly, a massive, heartbreaking grin crossed his gorgeous face and the large hands that had settled on my waist moved up my ribcage and he proceeded to tickl
e me. Barking laughter escaped me as my body submitted to the punishment of his fingers.

  “Think it’s funny do ya?” He asked as he continued to wiggle his fingers into my ribcage.

  “What if I really liked Nancy Farmer?”

  “Evan! Stop! I swear I’ll pee my pants!” I said through fits of laughter. He had pulled me all the way into his arms as he wrapped them over my shoulders, pinning my arms to my sides. The feeling of his skin against my arms sent a lightning bolt of electricity through me and I sucked in a breath from the surprise of it. My laughter began to subside as he stopped the torture and we stayed in that position for several minutes. My back to his chest. His arms wrapped around me. His breath against my neck and shoulder. The way his newly shaved jaw felt smooth against my shoulder as he rested his chin in the curvature of my neck and shoulder.

  “Ellie?” He asked, his voice sounding hopeful and pained at the same time. I swallowed, both enjoying the feeling of him wrapped around me and confused by it at the exact same time.

  “Nothing. Let’s go and ride the Zipper. I’d really love to witness the ass-kicking you plan to give me if I relive being fourteen again.”

  The moment that had passed between us was gone and he reluctantly let me go as if he had to force his body to do so. I felt just as confused as he did about what seemed to be happening between us. But at the same time my body was telling me to go for it, my mind was telling me something completely different.

  Evan pulled me toward the ride as it flipped around and screams bellowed from within the cages of the metal beast.

  “You sure?” I said arching my brow and smirking at him.

  “Bring it on. In fact, let’s make a wager. If I lose my stomach, I buy you dinner. If I come out unscathed, you buy.”

  “Deal.” I stuck out my hand and he placed his in mine sealing our deal. The ride came to a stop, letting people out and the operator ushered us into the newly vacated cage. After he made sure we were securely placed inside, he shut the gate and we ascended into the air. We stopped a few more times allowing the transition of riders before we began to fully move. Our cage rocked back and forth a few times and as we crested the top where we met nothing but the dark sky above us, we catapulted forward and rounded the other side.

  I squealed in delight and laughter and could swear I heard a scream come from Evan when we began to make our second circle in the loop.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as I reached over and patted his hand that was gripped tightly on the bar securing us in our seats.

  “Never better,” he replied as his face looked a little pale, but pretended to be brave as he fronted a ‘I’m not scared at all’ face.

  Several more loops around, a few more screams from Evan and a ton of giggles from me and the ride began to slow, stopping us at the bottom to get off.

  “You screamed like a girl,” I said nudging him with my hip as we walked away from the ride and towards the food venders.

  “I did not! I think it was your own voice you were hearing,” he teased. “And I do believe that you owe me dinner. I didn’t even come close to throwing up on you.” His smile beamed at me and I couldn’t help but return his easy humor.

  “Pick your poison,” I said waving my arm in the direction of the food trucks that were lined up side by side just a little way down from the rides. The smell of fried foods, salty sea, and dusk filled the air, instantly making my mouth water and my stomach protest from my lack of food.

  “Corn dogs. Definitely corn dogs.”

  “Corn dogs it is then.”

  This time I reached for his hand, like it was something that I did in instinct all the time. The familiarity of his palm as it touch mine was slowly becoming a soothing balm to my suffering soul. The energy that radiated from skin to skin made it hard for me to ignore the awareness of him. It made it hard not to concentrate on the way it made me feel, which in return also made me feel guilty. Here I was, a widow. My husband only passing away just one short month ago, yet my heart jumped every time this man touched me.

  It felt so right and so wrong at the same time.

  “Hey,” Evan said as he walked in stride next to me, noticing the furrow of my brows as I contemplated in my mind the feelings he seemed to so easily evoke from me. When I didn’t answer, he stopped, tugging on my hand in the process until I was forced to turn around and look at him.

  “What’s wrong?” He asked as he reached the hand I wasn’t holding onto and rubbed the pad of his thumb between my brows, smoothing out the crease that was placed there from my worry.

  “It’s nothing. I’m starving. How about those corn dogs?”

  “Ellie,” he said in warning, not in a harsh tone, but one that hinted at his genuine concern for where my thoughts were.

  I risked a glance up at him, his blue eyes sparkling at me with questions, worries, concern. What I also saw there was the same conflict that I was internally battling within myself.

  “I—I’m just confused I guess.”

  “Confused about what?” He asked ducking his head down so that he could meet my eyes better. The pad of his thumb smoothed over my eyebrow before he traced the tips of his fingers down my temple and across the side of my cheek.

  “This,” I replied softly as I indicated the two of us by waving my hand back and forth between us.

  Leaning in, he placed his forehead against mine, practically sharing the same breath with me, our lips were so close.

  “I don’t know what is happening either, Ellie. All I do know is that whenever I’m with you, the pain seems to subside a little more each day. When I’m with you, it’s like I can let go of the guilt, the anger, and the hurt, even if only for a brief moment. I don’t care if it is two seconds of relief or if it is longer, but you, you make it better.”

  “I know what you mean,” I reiterated, placing my hands on the narrow part of his waist just where his shorts met the seam of his shirt.

  We stayed like that for several moments while the world around us seemed to pass us by. I inhaled the wonderfully masculine scent of him thinking he was going to kiss me at any moment, yet he didn’t. Lifting his forehead from mine, he then broke the moment by leading me to one of the food trucks.

  “Two corn dogs please, oh and a bag of cotton candy,” he said to the lady inside while he reached for his wallet.

  “I thought I had to buy?” I asked, placing my hand on his wallet and pushing it away.

  “My mom would skin me alive if I let a woman pay for her dinner. Trust me. No one wants to see Momma angry,” he feigned a shiver like the thought was scary and atrocious at the same time, but the smile on his face gave him away.

  After paying for our corn dogs, we walked over to find the shade of several palm trees and sat on the grass facing each other. Though the sun had already fallen below the horizon, it was still relatively hot, the mugginess of the air making my dress cling to me like a second skin.

  We sat Indian style waiting for the corn dogs to cool and I thought it would be a good opportunity to ask him some questions about him.

  “So, your mom is old fashioned, huh?” I asked as I placed my hands behind me and leaned back.

  “I guess you could say that. She was born and raised in Texas, but when my dad got offered a job at a hospital here in Florida, they moved here. I was probably about four or five. They wanted to do it sooner rather than when I went off to kindergarten. My mom was afraid that pulling me from a school that I just started would probably confuse me.”

  “So your dad is a surgeon too?”

  “Yeah,” he said dipping his corndog into the massive pile of yellow mustard on the paper tray it was in. “He’s cardiac though.”

  “That’s gross.”

  “What? That my dad works on hearts?”

  I shook my head.

  “No. That huge pile of yellow crap you just put on your corndog. Everyone knows you put ketchup on a corndog.”

  He raised his eyebrow at me and the look on his face said disgust, b
ut his smile told me he was playing with me.

  “I beg to differ.”

  “Ewww.”

  “Don’t knock it till you try it, sweetheart.”

  He scooted in closer to me and dipped his corndog again into the mustard before extending it out to me.

  “No way. I’ll stick with my ketchup, thank you.”

  He moved even closer.

  “Just one, teeny, tiny bite?” He said and this time put the corndog up to my mouth. I made the mistake of turning my head at the last minute and was rewarded with a cool, bright yellow smear of mustard across my cheek all the way to my hairline.

  I looked at him, my mouth hung open, my eyes wide in shock. His expression, too, matched mine as he looked at me and my now tart smelling makeup job.

  “Oh shit! I didn’t mean to do that,” he laughed. “But you are the cutest girl I’ve ever seen to wear mustard as blush.”

  “Ha, ha, ha. Pass me the napkins.” I tried to sound wounded, but I couldn’t stop the rise of laughter that lit me up from the inside out and suddenly, threw my head back and couldn’t help myself. Tears peeked out of the corners of my eyes due to laughing so hard and it wasn’t too long before Evan had joined me.

  It felt good.

  To laugh.

  To have a good time.

  If only for a few hours, I was able to allow the ice that had formed around my heart to thaw. I welcomed the warmth that Evan created in me. I prayed that I could depend on him to keep my insides from freezing up again. He had taken a day that would have been shrouded in pain and caused me to tune out the rest of the world only to fall victim to my own thoughts again.

  ***

  ELLIE’S LAUGHTER WAS beautiful. Soothing. Unfiltered. The thing I liked about her the most was that she was very easy to read. One of those girls that truly had her heart on her sleeve for everyone to see. Even though the memory of our loved ones still haunted both of us, she let me see what others didn’t.