Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “We’re great,” Tobias answers and looks to me giving a small nod.

  “We’re good.” I offer her a weak smile.

  But my head is buzzing with so many questions I’m bursting to ask Tobias.

  “Tell me about yourself, Ivy,” Clara asks. The moment I start talking I relax, pushing everything else to the side, for now. Tobias sits beside me, listening to what I’m saying. His hand inches closer to mine. Clara tells me all about her work as a forklift driver and the people she works with.

  “Is it difficult doing what seems to be a predominantly male-oriented job?” I ask and inch my own hand closer to Tobias’s.

  Ugh, what am I doing? My demon will wreak havoc if I try to commit to Tobias. I drag my hand back, not wanting to confuse him or me any more than I already am.

  “…pigs,” Clara says.

  Being lost in my own mind I didn’t hear what she said, except for ‘pigs.’ “Sorry?” I ask paying attention to her while fighting my stupid head.

  “I said, they’re mostly a bunch of pigs. Foul-mouthed, dirty and rude.” I crease my brows together. She chuckles at my reaction. “But each and every one of them accepts me as one of their own, and although they’re everything I said, I know if I got in trouble, any of them would drop what they’re doing to help me.” I smile, liking what I’m hearing about the people she works with. “They’re the type of people I want in Tobias’s life. They may look rough, but they’d do anything to protect their own.”

  “Almost like a club.”

  “More like a family,” she corrects me.

  “So why did you choose to move here?” I ask, trying to move the conversation forward.

  Both Tobias and Clara still, their shoulders tense, and look at each other for a moment. “One day, I might tell you,” Tobias says.

  “Tobias!” Clara warns.

  He grasps her hand and squeezes. Slightly shaking his head at the same time.

  Something tells me this entire family is hiding a secret, maybe one even more damaging than mine.

  It’s in this moment when my mind and body accepts them. I’m daring to push myself and let them into my life. I have a feeling they’ve been through hell and back, and maybe… just maybe, they can help me fight my own demons.

  “Thank you for bringing me home,” I say to Tobias as I hand him back his helmet. Tobias kills the engine and climbs off the bike. “I like Clara; she’s really direct.” I smile, recalling the afternoon, and how she insisted I stay for dinner. She ordered pizza and started swearing when she noticed they had put a hot pepper on the slice she ate.

  “Sorry you didn’t get to meet my mom. I thought she’d be home, but as it turns out she had to work late.”

  “Next time.” He follows me up to my door and waits as I unlock it. I have a feeling he’s waiting for an invitation inside, but I don’t want him to come in. Not because I’m embarrassed or anything, but because I’m not ready for this next step. He leans into me, and for a split second I’m both terrified and excited that he’s going to kiss me. Holding my breath, I close my eyes and purse my lips together. “Do you want to sit with me in the back yard?” I ask before his lips touch mine.

  “Sure,” he mumbles low. His breath hints on my lips, igniting a yearning low in my stomach. Opening my eyes, I can’t help but be hypersensitive by his closeness. He’s right here. His body is only a hair’s breadth from mine. His dark eyes desperately holding onto his control. I stare into his dark eyes and he doesn’t try to look away. Beneath the darkness, I can see he has secrets hiding deep inside his soul.

  “I’ll um…” I lightly skim my mouth on his. Barely touching his lips. “I’ll meet you around the back.” I point to the side gate. Leaning into me, he skates his nose down my jawline and inhales deeply.

  Before I do something stupid, I step back and look down at my hands. My damn heart is fluttering like a hummingbird’s wings, while my body is filled with tension and excitement.

  I head inside, giving myself a few seconds of reprieve to compose my thoughts.

  Tobias is certainly a good-looking guy. He has this exhilarating effect on me, drawing me into his world and almost making me forget about my own.

  Leaning against the door, my ragged breath slows and becomes even. “Snap out of it, Ivy,” I coach myself. Hearing the side gate open, I’m drawn back to the present. He’s out there waiting for me, and I’m in here trying to get my head on straight.

  When my legs stop wobbling and are no longer made of Jello, I head into the kitchen and grab two bottles of water from the fridge. When I know my body is calm, I head out to the back yard where Tobias sits in a deck chair. “Here you go,” I hand him a bottle of water.

  Sitting beside him on the other deck chair, I lean back and look up at the sky. It’s losing the light. I know I wanted to be home by five, but considering I stayed for dinner, it’s now nearing seven. The sky will be dark within a few more minutes. For now I’m admiring the pretty hues of rich purples and dark blues. It looks almost magical.

  “Are you home by yourself a lot?” Tobias asks as he turns his head to look at me. I can see him out of my peripheral vision, but I choose not to stare at him.

  “Dad’s a shift worker, so that means there’s nights I’m on my own. I don’t mind, I like the quiet.”

  “Quiet is good, but what about the isolation?”

  Shrugging, I keep staring up at the sky. “I’m not really isolated. I have my phone so I can call Jared to come over, or Dad if I need him to come home. It’s self-inflicted isolation. I like being by myself.”

  “Don’t you get lonely?”

  I want to laugh at his question and tell him Azael doesn’t let me get lonely. I want to tell Tobias how he’s always around, and sometimes makes his presence known at the worst possible moments. “I welcome loneliness,” I whisper, hoping the monster inside me hears and takes the hint.

  “What about your mom?”

  The question feels like it’s come out of nowhere, but the logical part of my brain tells me this is a normal question to ask. He already knows she passed away when I was young, and now he’s asking questions so he can know me better. “She died before my fifth birthday.”

  “How?” He turns on his side, and stares at me.

  “A freak accident at the beach. She got caught in a riptide…” I gaze up at the first star starting to twinkle. I don’t remember Mom dying, just the night Dad placed me on his lap and burst into tears. “… Dad said she tried to swim back, but the sea was too powerful.” Tears well in my eyes, and I try my hardest to hold them back.

  I love Mom, but I’m crying for Dad. I’ve never really known her. Only what Dad’s told me about her and what I am able to glean from the photos he has proudly displayed in our home. I remember the day he told me Mom wasn’t going to come home.

  “Are you okay?” Tobias asks and stretches to gently squeeze my hand.

  “I was just thinking about the day Dad told me Mom wasn’t coming home. I was wearing a yellow ribbon in my hair, and a red dress.” Absentmindedly, I reach up and touch my hair. “Dad’s face was wet; his eyes were red. He smelled like Mom’s perfume.”

  A lump quickly rises and sits at the base of my throat. The tears escape and slowly roll down my cheeks. That day was the day everything changed for me. I had lost my Mom, and felt so alone.

  “He held me close to him and cried into my hair. All I could smell was Mom’s perfume, and the scent of Dad’s tears.” Crinkling my brows, I can almost smell the saltwater of his tears. But I can definitely recall the deep, soul-crushing sobs ripping through Dad’s chest as his arms tightened around me.

  “But it’s better now?” Tobias asks, breaking the heaviness of my mood.

  Blinking, I stare up at the darkened sky, amazed at how quickly night has enveloped us. “I was so young, I almost don’t remember her.”

  “Tell me what you do remember,” he encourages.

  “She was beautiful. Her hair always smelled like sunshine, and
she always wore a perfume that smelled like fresh-cut roses.”

  “What’s your favorite memory of her?”

  I try hard to recall a memory that’s stuck with me. Shaking my head, I stare at Tobias. “I remember her smile. She was always smiling when she was around me.”

  “You must have her smile, because yours is beautiful.”

  Taking a deep breath, I bring both my hands up and place them like a pillow beneath my head. “Tell me about your family,” I ask Tobias, hoping to regain some of my composure. Feeling sad is something I’ve learned to hide, but I can’t afford to show that part of my true self to anyone. They’d never understand.

  “You’ve met Clara; she is one of those people who what you see is what you get.” Tobias smiles. “And Mom, well, she works hard, and will do anything for me and Clara.”

  “What about your dad?”

  Instantly, Tobias’s shoulders tighten, and his jaw clenches. His eyes narrow, and I catch a sudden sharp intake of breath. “He’s not around,” he says in a dead voice.

  “I’m sorry,” I reply carefully.

  “I wish he was dead.”

  Momentarily, I’m speechless and scramble to form a cohesive thought. Should I ask or should I leave it alone? I take the chance and ask, “Did he take off?”

  Tobias stands from the lounger and paces from one side of the deck to the other. He runs his hand through his hair then pinches the bridge of his nose. Stilling, he turns to look at me. “He doesn’t deserve the breath it’ll take to explain him to you.”

  Blackness enshrouds him, not from the lack of light but from the secret he’s hiding.

  “I won’t judge you,” I say, encouraging him to ease his tension. He lets out a humorless chuckle and turns his back to me. I get a feeling he doesn’t want me to see his face, so I don’t push it. “We all have secrets, Tobias. Sometimes it’s best to share and sometimes, it’s best not to.”

  “Trust me, Ivy. There’s no way I’d ever expose you to my nightmares.”

  The hairs on my arms raise, as I try to think what could be so bad he has this obvious reaction to it. The tightness in his voice tells me to let it go. The way his demeanor has changed tells me his secrets are something that might frighten me and awaken my demon.

  Standing, I make my way over to him and crouch down beside him, placing my palm on his back. He tenses, I feel the strain of his muscles beneath my touch. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “Whatever you don’t want to talk about, I didn’t mean for it to cause this reaction. I just wanted to…” I stop myself, and think about what I want to say. I’ve fought my reaction to him, but somehow, he’s crawled his way into my life, and now I want to get to know him. “… to understand you,” I finish.

  Turning his head, he looks into my eyes. He slowly lifts his hand and gently runs it down my cheek. Closing my eyes, I nuzzle into it. He’s warm and strong. Beautiful, yet tender and soft.

  “Tell me your secrets, Ivy,” he whispers.

  My eyes spring open and I stand, backing away. He won’t understand. “I don’t have any,” I say slowly, though my voice cracks at the lie.

  He nods and gives me a small smile. “One day, when the fog has lifted from our nightmares, we’ll tell each other exactly what we can’t say right now.”

  “One day…”

  “One day.”

  “So, you and Tobias?” Jared asks as he wiggles his brows at me.

  “Yeah, so what?” I retort. Jared sits on the bench next to me at lunch.

  “You two a couple now?”

  Picking at my salad, I look down and smirk. “Not yet.”

  “Well come on, sister. Spill,” he teases as he sips his soda.

  “We’ve been hanging out a bit.”

  “A bit?” Jared shrieks. “I see the way he looks at you. It’s more than ‘hanging out a bit.’ Come on, tell me.”

  Looking around the cafeteria I make sure there’s no one close enough to hear. Dropping my voice, I lean into Jared and say, “I went to his place yesterday to meet his mom and grandmother. But his mom wasn’t there, so we hung out with his grandmother.”

  “Ewww. Does she smell of mothballs?”

  Shaking my head, I scrunch my eyes at Jared. “Seriously? Mothballs?” I chuckle.

  “My grandma smells like mothballs. I don’t mind seeing her, but she’s always telling me to eat more and trying to shove food down my throat. The moment I’m inside her door, it’s always the same. ‘Jared, you’re too skinny. Want a cookie? Want some candy? Want food? Something to drink?’ It’s always the same thing.”

  Laughing at Jared I shake my head again. “No, Clara is nothing like that. She’s actually not what I expected a grandmother to be.”

  “How so?” Jared asks while stealing a piece of lettuce from my salad and popping it into his mouth.

  “Well, she’s got bright pink hair and full sleeve tattoos.”

  “Hey,” Tobias says as he sits opposite me and bites into his apple.

  “Missy over here was just telling me about your cool-as-shit grandma. Mine smells like mothballs, and yours has tattoos and pink hair. Wanna trade? Mine will try to feed you, but yours sounds way cooler.”

  “She rides a motorcycle, too,” Tobias proudly announces.

  “Man.” Jared slaps his hand on the table. “Some people get all the luck.”

  I smile at Jared, and turn to see Tobias staring at me. He’s smiling too, and winks at me. Heat quickly flushes through me, rising to my cheeks. “Need a ride home?” he asks me.

  Shrugging, I discreetly look toward Jared. “Maybe,” I tease him.

  “Maybe?” he questions. “That’s not the answer I was hoping to hear.”

  “You can give me a ride home,” Jared jokes.

  Instantly, I see something shift in Tobias. His hand tightens around the apple as his knuckles whiten in color. His jaw tightens and fury flashes in his eyes. “I’m not gay,” he snaps at Jared.

  The mood quickly changes, heaviness cloaking our table.

  What just happened?

  “I didn’t mean to say you were,” Jared quickly defends himself.

  I can’t rip my eyes away from Tobias. His entire frame appears to be on high alert. Leaning over, I place my hand on his resting arm and gently stroke his heated skin. I can see he’s very angry. Below my touch, his arm vibrates, as the muscle running down his neck protrudes.

  “Good, because if you ever say shit like that again, I will hurt you.”

  “Tobias,” I scold him. “What’s going on?”

  Tobias stares at Jared, he looks like he wants to leap over the table and smash Jared. Letting go of his arm, I shy away from him and lean in front of Jared, sheltering him from Tobias’s deadly cold stare.

  The moment he sees my concerned look, he eases. He looks down and shakes his head. Dropping his apple on the table, he lifts his hand and innocently runs his hand over his tattoo. Stay strong.

  Tobias visibly swallows hard, while he keeps his gaze away from Jared. “Sorry,” he mumbles before pushing up from the table and leaving.

  It takes a few seconds from when he leaves for me to try and make sense of what just happened. Turning, I look to Jared. “You okay?” I ask.

  Jared nods his head, but I can see he’s clearly shaken. Jared is not a fighter. He’s never been a fighter. He’s too kind and gentle, despite his adoption of a feisty persona, to even try to fight someone. “I’m not sure what I did.”

  “His reaction was extreme.” Crinkling my brows, I look in the direction Tobias went, but he’s long gone now.

  “Something’s not right about him, Ivy. I think you should stay away from him. You saw how he was okay one second, then flipped out the very next. That’s not normal behavior. I mean, I’m no psychiatrist, but something switched on in him and he was ready to kill me.”

  “There’s gotta be a reason.”

  “Yeah, because I’m gay. Obviously, he’s a homophobe.”

  “Jared, I hate that word. It’s so derogat
ory.”

  “So is bashing a gay person.”

  “I don’t think he has a phobia toward gay people, because he hasn’t shown any kind of negative emotion toward you in the past, until now. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be hit on.”

  “I didn’t hit on him!” Jared screeches.

  “No, you didn’t. You said he could give you a ride home. But then again, he might’ve interpreted it as if you were hitting on him.”

  “Seriously, now you’re going to defend him?” Jared hisses. “And here I thought you’d have my back.” He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, disgusted by me.

  “That’s not fair, Jared! I’m not defending him. I’m trying to understand what made him react that way. It’s not a normal reaction, so clearly something triggered it. If that’s something you can be made aware of, maybe you can avoid saying or doing it so he doesn’t react the same way.”

  Jared turns back, his mouth is open and his eyes are wide. “You have got to be kidding.”

  “Give me a break. I’m trying to keep the peace here.”

  “And you’re choosing him over me.”

  “I’m not choosing either of you. You’re being unfair, Jared. All I’m doing is trying to understand what the hell happened. Why he reacted the way he did.”

  “Whatever…” Jared stands angrily and steps away. “See ya,’ Ivy.” He too departs the cafeteria, leaving me sitting by myself.

  Dropping my head into my hands, I rub at my temple. I feel a headache starting.

  Ivy. Right on cue, my monster calls.

  I hate him. Why does he always strike when I’m stressed?

  “Um, are you okay, Ivy?” Looking up, Chloe and Katie are sitting opposite me. Nodding, I offer them a small smile. “It was really obvious the three of you had a fight.”

  Great.

  “Did everyone hear and see?” I ask, looking around the cafeteria.

  “No, it wasn’t loud but I caught sight of Tobias leaving and then I saw you and Jared looking really tense. Is everything okay?” Katie asks.