Drowning

by Margaret McHeyzer

  Crap. I don’t even know why I winced. I know he’s not going to hurt me, but the fact he’s reached out to touch me sends shock waves throughout my body. I can’t risk him knowing. He’ll be disgusted and he won’t understand.

  And worst yet, I’ll lose him.

  “I know,” I say, swallowing back the fear and shame. “I…” Closing my eyes I shake my head, not really knowing what to say without giving away my secret.

  “What’s happening with you?” he asks, concerned. I shake my head again preferring to remain quiet as opposed to talking to him. Opening my eyes, I see his darkness staring back at me. His features are tight, as if he’s ready to fight for my safety. “Has someone hurt you, Ivy?” he asks. His jaw jumps and stiffens.

  “Hurt me?” Yeah, my demon hurts me all the time.

  “Does someone hurt you?” he asks, dropping his voice to a low and uneasy tone.

  “What? No. Why would you say that?” My gaze goes straight to Jared and Chloe who are both talking and laughing, completely oblivious to Tobias’s behavior.

  Tobias’s eyes roam over my bare skin, he drinks in every exposed inch of me. He’s not greedily gawking at me, more like he’s studying to make sure my skin isn’t marked with bruises.

  “Tobias,” I say in a small voice, fidgeting in my seat, my body restless and uncomfortable. His eyes snap back to mine, waiting. “No one hurts me,” I tell the truth. No one but me.

  “Then there’s no reason you can’t go to Chloe’s party.”

  Ugh.

  My skin crawls with uncertainty. “I prefer to stay at home.”

  He arches a brow as his mouth draws out into a thin line. “I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t jump at the chance of going to a party. Especially when there’ll likely be alcohol.”

  Yeah great, let’s give alcohol to my demon. He’ll love that.

  But I won’t.

  “Drinking isn’t my scene,” I say trying to deflect.

  “It’s not mine either. How about I make you a deal?” he asks eagerly. Scrunching my nose, I wait for him to tell me about this ‘deal.’ Before he says anything, he lets out a small chuckle. “I’ll come pick you up, and take you for dinner first. Then we’ll head over to Chloe’s for her party, and if you want to leave early, we will. But I think it would be good if we made an appearance.”

  “You’ll take me to dinner?” I ask. I like the sound of that part, but the party… I just can’t stomach it.

  “Yes.”

  Taking a deep breath, I look away from him and try to wrap my head around going to a party—with other people. “Fine,” I mumble.

  A quick, perfect smile lights up his face, but it disappears just as fast. “Yeah, good,” he says as he straightens his shoulders and lifts his chin in a masculine, cocky kind of way. “Yeah,” he repeats. “I knew you were gonna say yes.”

  Rolling my eyes, I smile. “Sure.” He’s not fooling anyone. He was sweating bullets, worrying I was going to say no. That’s why he was trying so hard.

  “You know I’ll pick you up on my bike, so don’t wear a skirt.”

  You’d never catch me in a skirt. That’s easy access to my scars. And if he sees my scars, then he’ll want to know why I have all those lines on my thighs.

  Ugh. This is becoming a nightmare.

  Why did Tobias Baxter have to come along and complicate my life? I was fine, blending into the shadows, keeping to myself, and not going to parties.

  “Trust me, I won’t,” I say in response to his ‘no skirt’ statement. Inside, my gut is twisting with anticipation. Normal people would be freaking out at telling their parents about going to a party with a guy who rides a motorcycle and has a tattoo. But me, I’m hoping once Dad meets Tobias, he’ll forbid me from going anywhere with him. Then I can blame Dad and say I’m not allowed to go out.

  Who am I kidding? Even if I do want that to happen, it’s not fair to Dad or Tobias. I can’t manipulate them to keep my cutting a secret.

  I’ll just have to work my way through it. I’ll wear jeans and make sure I’m not put in any position where anyone is able to see my scars.

  “Did you hear what I said?” Tobias asks as he nudges me with his leg.

  “Huh?” I question as he drags me out of the self-pity headspace I’m in.

  “I said, two things. Do you want a ride home today, and, I’ll pick you up at around six for dinner on Saturday night.”

  “Oh, yeah I heard.” Nah, I didn’t. “Yeah, that’s cool to both.”

  He widens his eyes in question and gives me a crooked smile. “You weren’t listening, were ya?” he pushes.

  “I said I was.” Picking at my food, I try to hide my smile that says, ‘nope, I wasn’t listening.’

  “Yeah, right.”

  “See ya,” Chloe happily chimes as she stands and leaves.

  “Party on Saturday.” Jared smirks happily and waggles his eyebrows.

  “Yeah, I heard,” I answer.

  “You’re going, yeah? Need me to pick you up? I’ll swing by and pick you up, then we can go and get Zane.”

  “I’m giving Ivy a ride,” Tobias answers before I get a chance to say anything.

  “So, I’ll see you both there?”

  Tobias nods, and so do I. I know I’ll try to use every excuse known to man to get out of going. The dinner does sound nice, just me and Tobias without having everyone else around, but the party… Ugh, no thanks.

  The bell sounds and we head back to class. “I wanna meet your Dad,” Tobias says as he walks beside me.

  “I think he’ll be home Saturday.”

  “I want to meet him before then. Will he be home today?”

  Turning to him, I huff in frustration. “You know, you’re really pushy for a guy.”

  He gives me a cheeky smile before he continues down the corridor toward class. “I’ve got the big picture in my head, and I want to make sure it works out.”

  “Big picture? Like what? You see yourself in a house with a white picket fence with two-point-three kids?”

  “How do you get the point three? Wouldn’t that mean you’d be pregnant?” He points to me.

  “Me? I’m not having kids.” I shake my head.

  “Why not? You might change your mind.”

  “Yeah, about that… no.”

  “Why? You telling me you have your life planned out and kids don’t fit into the equation?”

  I place my hand on his arm, stopping from walking any further. “First, I’m seventeen. I have my entire life in front of me. And second, I have no idea where I’m going to be after college, let alone any plans for kids and picket fences. I might be a fashion photographer in Paris, or I might be traveling the world taking photos of exotic animals. I have no idea where I’m going to be. So, kids… no. Not in the picture. Ever.”

  And besides, I’m too terrified my demon will abandon me to infect them. I can barely handle him, how is my child supposed to? Passing my beast on to my child is not what I want to do.

  “You want to do photography? How did I not know this?”

  Shrugging I keep walking toward class. “Maybe because you never really asked.”

  He lets out a chuckle. “Touché, Miss Jones, touché.”

  Walking to class, Tobias walks next to me. It seems we’ve fallen into a rhythm. He’s always near me, hovering as if he’s ready to protect me.

  “Will you show me some of your work?” Tobias asks as I slip on my helmet and get on his bike.

  “If you want to see them.”

  “You took them, so of course I wanna see them.”

  “Sure.”

  He straddles the bike, and when I climb on, he grabs my arms and wraps them tightly around his waist. “You okay back there?” he asks as he revs his bike.

  “Yeah, I’m good.” He gives my hand a squeeze then takes off out of the school parking lot toward home.

  He’s such a cautious driver when I’m on the bike. But I can see where he’d have a wild streak too, and is likely mo
re careless when he’s on his own.

  When we reach home, I see Dad’s car in the driveway. Getting off the bike, I take my helmet off and hand it to Tobias. “Looks like your dream of meeting my Dad is about to come true.” I pointedly glance at Dad’s car.

  “Great,” he grunts half-heartedly.

  I can’t help but laugh. “Hey, you said you wanted to meet him.” I walk ahead of Tobias, and I turn to catch him running his palms down the front of his jeans. He’s nervous. If I’m being truthful, I find his nervousness really sweet. It means he cares and he wants to make a good impression.

  Opening the door, I call out, “Dad. Are you here?” I know he is, I just hope he’s not in the shower. That could be awkward, Dad coming out in a towel finding Tobias in the house.

  “Here, sweetheart,” he calls from the den. He’s sitting in his favorite chair, watching TV. “How was school?”

  “Hey Dad, why aren’t you at work?” I ask. I lean over the arm of his chair and kiss his cheek.

  “Machine broke down, and they sent us all home until they can get someone in to fix it.”

  “Well, I’m glad you’re home early. You can meet Tobias.”

  “Oh, yeah you told me about him. The kid at school. As long as his hair is short, and he doesn’t have tattoos, then I’m sure I’ll like him.”

  “And if his hair is long and he has tattoos?” I question.

  “Then he isn’t someone I want my little girl hanging around with.” Dad stands from his comfortable recliner and heads into the kitchen. “When’s he coming?”

  “Now. He’s outside.”

  Dad straightens his back and juts his chin out, all alpha and protective. “Invite the boy in.”

  I head to the front door and reach it the same moment Tobias does. “Come in,” I say as I swing the porch door open. He’s freaking out. I can tell by how he’s carrying himself. He’s trying to look confident, but the way he keeps wiping his hands down the front of his jeans is a dead giveaway of his nervousness. “You don’t have to be nervous,” I whisper.

  “I’m not.”

  Yeah right, buddy. Keep telling yourself that.

  “Dad, this is Tobias. Tobias, this is my Dad, Stephen.”

  Dad moves to greet Tobias with a handshake, and immediately his eyes are drawn to the tattoo on Tobias’s forearm. “I must say, I wasn’t expecting this,” Dad says, all the time his eyes bouncing between me, Tobias, and his tattoo.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir,” Tobias carefully enunciates.

  “Tell me about yourself, Tobias. When did you move here?” Dad leans against the breakfast counter and crosses his arms in front of his chest. The inquisition has started right away.

  “Um, we haven’t lived here long.”

  “And your parents? What do they do?”

  Below Tobias’s right eye, a tic has started to spasm. “I live with my mom and grandmother. Mom’s an administrative assistant for an orthodontist, and my grandmother is a fork lift operator,” he proudly announces.

  “And your father?” Dad asks.

  “He’s not around,” Tobias’s voice shakes. “He hasn’t been around for a while.” I notice when he’s nervous, he rubs his hand over his tattoo. To me it appears like the words are there for courage when he’s struggling to be brave.

  “Tell me about yourself,” Dad presses. Dad looks out the front window, and catches a glimpse of Tobias’s motorcycle. “Is that yours?” he asks as he flicks his chin toward the bike.

  Tobias follows his line of sight, and nods. His demeanor changes, it becomes a lot more relaxed and not so uptight. “Yes, sir.”

  “I’ve been on it a couple of times, Dad.”

  Dad’s head whips around to look at me, his brows are high as his eyes bore into me. “I beg your pardon. You’ve been on that?” He pushes off from the kitchen counter and stands to all of his full six-feet.

  “Yeah, Tobias is an extremely safe driver.”

  “I make sure she has a helmet, and I’m not stupid on the bike.”

  Dad’s jaw tightens.

  His lips purse together into a straight line, as his forehead crinkles with the scowl he aims at Tobias. “I don’t think so. No more bike,” he sternly says.

  Man, am I relieved. Not that I won’t be on the bike again, but this means I can’t go to Chloe’s stupid party on Saturday.

  Yes! Victory!

  “It’s okay, I won’t bring the bike to school anymore. My grandmother has a car she said I can borrow. She prefers her bike to the car.”

  What! No…

  “Your grandmother has a motorcycle?” Dad asks.

  “Yeah, she’s the one who taught me how to ride. Clara… ahem… my grandmother, is different from most grandmothers.”

  “You call her by her name?” Dad’s tone is somewhat amused, but his forehead is scrunched together, surprised.

  “She doesn’t like being referred to as anything but Clara. And she has tattoos. And yesterday she dyed her hair purple.”

  “She did?” both my father and I echo in unison.

  “When I met her, she had pink hair,” I say to Dad with a huge smile.

  “You’ve met his grandmother?” Dad asks.

  “Yeah, Tobias took me to his place and I met her. She’s really nice. I think you’d like her.”

  Dad suspiciously looks at me then to Tobias. “You and I have to have a talk,” Dad says to me.

  Instantly, my stomach drops. Am I in trouble?

  Ivy. Azael calls me, my tension apparently awakening him.

  He’s here, sharpening his talons ready to plunge them further into my soul.

  My breathing speeds as I attempt to push him away. He will not ruin this for me. I refuse to let him win.

  “I have some homework to do,” I say abruptly as I turn to leave. I need to get him out of my head.

  “I’ll pick you up in the morning for school?” Tobias calls as I’m heading away from him and Dad.

  “Sure,” I yell over my shoulder in a shaky voice.

  Ivy, come play with me.

  “She okay?” I hear Tobias ask Dad as I shut the door to my bedroom. I don’t hang around long enough to hear Dad’s response.

  Sliding down the door, I grip my head in my hands and try to block him. But not only is he calling me, he’s standing in front of me, cajoling me with his deep, silky voice, and a promise of peace.

  You know what’ll make you feel better?

  “Go away,” I whisper to him, cradling my head with fingers digging into my scalp.

  I can make you feel so much better. You’ll be calm when your dad talks to you.

  “Please…” I beg. Tears well in my eyes and threaten to spill. “Not today.”

  Fight him, Ivy. Fight him. You can do this.

  Ivy, I want you to pull yourself together.

  I hate him. Hate him so much. My blood turns icy whenever he’s near me. He always promises to be quiet after I’ve cut. But he always comes back.

  “Go away.” Letting go of my head, I lift my head to look ahead of me. He’s here. In my room, standing by my bed. “I can’t do this anymore,” I say to him.

  Azael is faceless, but I can tell he’s smirking at me. He says nothing to me, but his presence is menacing and terrifying. I know he’s waiting for me to pick the blade up and cut. He’s anticipating it.

  “Screw you.” Standing, I straighten my clothes, and wipe at tears. Opening the door, I head into the bathroom to splash water on my face. Looking in the mirror, he’s standing behind me, taunting me to touch the sharp blade.

  My gaze quickly flicks to the bottom drawer, but I take a deep breath and push past him. I refuse to let him break me today.

  “Don’t let yourself down, Ivy. Fight him,” I say to my reflection.

  An air of power surrounds the girl in the mirror. She’s not going to give in to him, and neither am I.

  Once the redness in my eyes has faded, and I’ve pulled myself together, I head out to find Dad in the kitchen
cooking. Tobias is long gone. “Hey,” I say to Dad who turns to smile at me. He flicks his head to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. “I know,” I mumble. “You’re concerned about Tobias.”

  Dad stirs a pot of something on the stove. “Why haven’t you told me about him?” Dad’s voice is steady, which tells me he’s been thinking a lot about this and he’s disappointed with me.

  “It’s kinda new.”

  “I talked to him for a while after you went to your room. Did you freak out because I was home and met him, or because I wanted to talk to you?”

  “I wanted you to meet him. I’m happy you did. It’s just… it’s new. And I don’t know where it’s going to go.”

  He stops stirring, and looks up at me. “I know you don’t have anyone to talk to, but I’ll do my best.”

  “You’re a great dad, Dad.”

  He takes a deep breath and focuses back on the pot. “Do I have to give you the ‘be safe’ talk?” He cringes… and so do I.

  “I’m fairly certain I’m aware of how everything works.” My face flushes red, as do the tips of Dad’s ears. “And besides, I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for that.” Oh my God, how embarrassing.

  An awkward silence falls over us. Dad’s face reddens, and I can barely control my flight instinct. But, if Dad’s making an effort to talk to me about this stuff, the least I can do is hear him out. “Well, that’s good,” he finally says.

  “But I think I like him.”

  Dad looks up to me. “Think?”

  “No, it’s not what I mean. I do like him, but I want to get to him know him a bit better.”

  “He seems like a good kid. Although, the motorbike riding is out of the question. And you met his grandmother?” Dad presses. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Dad. You’re always at work. And I didn’t want to say anything in case things didn’t work out between us.”

  “Huh,” Dad huffs. “What is it about him you aren’t sure about?”

  “I don’t know how to explain it. He’s really nice, and he seems to have it all worked out. But, he and Jared had a bit of an argument. Well, you can’t even call it an argument, it was… I don’t even know how to describe it.”

  “What happened?”

  “Tobias asked me if I wanted a ride home, and Jared jumped into the conversation and said he wanted a ride. If you know what I mean.”