Courting Crazy

by J G Jerome

  Maddock gulps and answers, “Crystal, Lord.”

  I ask, “How did you get here?”

  “The Queen allowed us to portal to the Sedona compound. They have a big panel van that we used to follow the scent of Cholley.”

  I nod. “OK. Thanks, finish up.”

  I walk over to Kellianne and wrap her in a hug. She pulls me tight and sobs. She looks at me and says, “Jack, I was so scared. I’ve never seen beings like this. They roared like animals, they have bloody heads, and they just started destroying. Who are they?”

  I kiss her forehead. “Honey, they are Goblins. You’ve been told all your life that they are myths and legends. I can vouch for the fact that most myths and legends have a basis in fact. Goblins are just one example.”

  “But Jack, you just appeared and started cutting them up. How did you do that? You moved so fast, I didn’t see you travel from one point to the next.”

  I kiss her forehead again. “Kellianne, I didn’t travel. You would probably call what I did ‘teleporting.’ It’s part of my Elven heritage. And no, I don’t have pointy ears; although, full Elves do. I have many other abilities from the rest of my heritage. That’s how I removed your tattoos and body hair. It’s how I made the big goblin sleep and healed Maddock. It’s how I’m going to do this next thing to the big guy on the floor. Don’t pay too much attention, it will just boggle your mind. Okay?”

  She hugs me tight and nods into my chest. I tell her, “Go give Johnny a hug and let him know you need comfort. I think he would like to be needed about now.”

  She looks up at me for a moment, then plants a kiss in the middle of my chest. Then she releases me and goes to wrap Johnny in a sobbing hug.

  I walk over to the big guy. I wake him up. He pushes himself up into a rough semblance of a Serpents pose. I ask him, “Why did you do this today?”

  His surprisingly clear tenor voice says, “King Saureg ordered it. He said, ‘Track Cholley and make an example of him.’ When we found him, I decided to tear a path of destruction through this establishment until we found him and dismembered him. It was to be part of the example.”

  “So this was your idea?” I ask as I wave at the destruction in the restaurant. I notice Trina, Daphne, Cholley, and the wolves are helping Maddock make order.

  “Yeah.” Big guy starts to get some spine back. “Who are you, and why do you care?”

  My eyes glow with my reply, “I am the Green Lord, and caring is one of the many things I do.”

  His eyes grow wide as I say, “Listen and obey.” I feel his mind become my slave with a surety I had for none of my previous attempts at ‘influence.’ “You will crawl back to Sedona on the stumps of your limbs, hiding from observation the whole way. You will do whatever you have to do to get an audience with King Saureg. And then you will tell him what I have done to you is a minor scratch compared to what I’m going to do to him. Is that clear? Repeat it back to me.”

  He gets it right. Then he says, “But Lord, you haven’t done anything to me.”

  “I know, but I’m about to. I think you’ll want to sleep for this.” Then I will him asleep.

  I call, “Trina, get a big trashbag and a mop bucket for me.”

  I hear “Yes, Master.” Then, I pull Eventide, and ask her to return to her original form. Then I will his flesh to part as I hack down hard with the 18-inch blade mid-thigh on first one leg, then the other. I stop the bleeding and cause the flesh to recede from the severed ends of the bone. Then I cause the bone ends to calcify into hard balls of bone. I repeat the procedure about four inches above his wrists.

  When I’m done I hold up the trash bag and levitate the severed limbs into it. Then I lay the bag on the floor and draw all of the blood from the floor into the bag.

  I hand it to Trina to drop in the dumpster out back. Johnny shows her the way.

  Then I reach down and wake up the big guy. He blinks for a moment and then tries to press himself up on his hands. That’s when he realizes what I’ve done and starts to roar. I turn him into a mute.

  “Are you done?” He tries to stand up and get his feet under himself, so he can club me with his stubs. His legs stubs fail to respond, which gives him a whole new round of silent roaring.

  “Do my instructions make sense now?” The huge, crippled goblin weeps as he nods his head. I give him his voice back. I call, “Daphne, see if you can get a big bucket of clean drinking water. Big Guy here needs to hydrate before he heads out.”

  I hear her, “Yes, my Lord” followed by water running at a high speed. I will Eventide back to the lockback configuration. About five minutes later, Daphne appears to my right with a white 5-gallon plastic bucket full of clean water.

  I lean in and kiss her, “Thank you, Precious. I’ll help him drink. He’s doing this for me. I need to set him up for success.”

  I tell the huge, desolate goblin, “Sit back on your bum, Big Guy. I’m going to lift this bucket up and help you drink. Drink as much as you can. The desert can be brutal. Once you get to Sedona, have them bring you a hose and hydrate again. In the event you need to pee or shit, you’ll have to do it in your pants.” He resumes weeping as he drinks.

  I ask, “Did you stop by the mountainside with trees when you were following Cholley?”

  Big guy nods. I tell him, “If you survive the mission I’ve given you, return to the trees and wait for me. I will heal your arms and legs if you are willing to enter my service at that point. You need to understand that you fucked up big-time here. The price for entering my service is commensurately high. Clear?”

  Big guy nods. “What’s your name, Big Guy?”

  “Louis Grimm,” he answers.

  “Louis Grimm, if you fail me, I will end your suffering, and you will get to see what comes next after life. Serve me well in this, Louis, and I will forgive you, heal you, and give you a purpose.”

  “Yes, Lord.”

  “Have you had enough to drink?”

  “Yes, Lord.”

  “You know the way?”

  “Yes, Lord.”

  I tell him, “It’s a 30-minute drive. You could get there in a day, but it will take longer if you follow my instructions to avoid detection. You are not allowed to hitch a ride. Part of your penance is to crawl the journey. Clear?”

  “Yes, Lord.”

  “Go, Louis.”

  The huge, crippled goblin presses himself up with his arms and pulls his legs under him. Then he slowly crawls out the door, moving like a gorilla. Then Louis explodes out the door and disappears.

  I call, “Maddock, will he make it?”

  The other huge goblin responds, “Yes, Lord. He’ll be there by morning if not sooner.”

  I turn to the elderly goblin, “Cholley, will Saureg tell the queen?

  Cholley shrugs, “I suspect only if he sees advantage in it. It’s our way, Lord. May I mop that for you, Lord.”

  I pat him on the shoulder as I accept his offer, “Thanks, Cholley.

  Then I walk back to Kellianne, “Hey sweetie, how you holding up?”

  She looks up at me, “Honestly Jack, I’m pretty freaked out! Goblins! You’re not human either, are you?”

  I rock my hand from side-to-side, “Let’s go with not strictly human. I was born human despite very small percentages of other races in my gene pool. Something changed in September that made the non-human parts have more influence on my body and mind. It’s complicated.”

  She continues, “Elves, you mentioned dwarves...the big wolf that left before the goblins showed up. Was that a werewolf?”

  I shake my head, “Not really. He is a wolf shifter. It’s not like the stories and movies, but there is a basis of truth in those stories based on wolf shifters.”

  “All the guys in back?” she asks.

  I nod, “Yes, wolf shifters. All of them. Carl Mansfield’s a great guy to know. He’s the Alpha of all the wolf shifters in all the Americas.”

  She gives me a bewildered look, “How am I going to deal with all thi
s knowledge, Jack?”

  “Kellianne, there was an incident here when you first met the big dog. I’m calling him ‘Rottie’ until I come up with a real name for him. Trina and I removed that memory from you, Annette, and Kristina. I don’t want to do that to you again. It didn’t hurt you, and it didn’t damage you - I just don’t want to do it to you again. You deserve to live your life with your eyes wide open. If you or Johnny decide you would rather forget, let me know. We’ll help you with that. I’m not going to do it involuntarily to you again.”

  She purses her lips and narrows her eyes as she processes that information. “I thought you were my friend, Jack. How could you do that to me?”

  “It was an easy choice, Kellianne. I wanted to help you avoid the angst you’re feeling now because the wizard just opened the curtain. Apparently, I should have just made you angry.” She sticks her tongue at me and lightens up a bit.

  I shrug before I continue, “Plus, I wanted to protect you. The worlds of fae and elves have been a closely guarded secret for millennia. Very few humans were allowed to know about them, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the courts didn’t send someone like Maddock to deal with any leaks.”

  Her eyes get big, “Will they send someone to deal with me?” Trina walks up at that point and wraps us both in a hug.

  “I don’t know. Since I have to figure out what to do with Maddock, I think I leave him here to protect you. We tell everyone that he broke the place up, but he’s broke. So he’s working off his debt here fixing furniture, bussing tables, cleaning up. There’s something I need to check, but I think that can work”

  Kellie looks at Trina, “Are you an elf, Trina?”

  Trina smiles gently and kisses her temple before answering, “No, sweetie. I’m Sidhe from the Winter Court. I look like I’m from the Summer Court because my family were originally. That’s old news. Centuries old.”

  Kellianne asks, “How old are you?”

  Trina chuckles, “Thirty-four, sweetie.”

  Kellianne sighs, “I hope I look as good when I’m thirty-four.”

  Trina releases me and hugs her, “Honey, you are beautiful.”

  Kellianne returns the hug then looks at Trina, “You look human; although, you are supernaturally beautiful. What does being Sidhe mean?”

  Trina laughs, “It probably means I’m a petty bitch, but the honest short answer is that we are stronger, faster, longer lived, and heal more quickly than our human cousins. Before you ask, the average lifetime of Sidhe and our Goblin cousins is 400-500 years. Fortunately, we Sidhe mature similarly as humans - roughly adult at 18. I can’t imagine needing to wait until I’m 75 or so to love Jack.”

  Kellianne opens her mouth for another question, but Trina forestalls her by putting her finger on Kellianne’s lips. “Sweetie, I’d be happy to arrange a time to sit down over coffee and answer all your questions. I was a graduate assistant in college, and I love educating hungry minds. Maybe I can even get one of my elf friends to join us so you can ask them questions, too. For now, I need you to focus on practical issues. Okay?”

  Kellianne nods, and Trina continues. “I tied off the bag with the big goblin’s body parts and pitched it in the dumpster. Will that be okay?”

  Kellianne twists her mouth to the side and considers before answering, “Should be. We get enough food waste in bags, that it should blend right in. It would be better if his legs were in smaller chunks, but there will be enough other garbage on top of it that it won’t matter.”

  Trina squeezes her tight and kisses her quickly on the lips before adding, “Super. What do we need to do to get enough furniture to serve guests...make it look like nothing special happened here? Maddock and crew have moved things around to fill the space okay, but you’re two tables and about six chairs short.”

  Maddock comes up at this point, “I can repair one table and three of the chairs. Let me get my human guise in place, and then I can get some tools and hardware. Assuming I can find what I need, I should have those done in a couple of hours. I can craft new replacements for the others from scratch by Friday. It won’t be to Dwarven or Elven standards, but I am pretty handy. The king had me make a dinette for one of his daughters once.”

  Trina looks at him, “Okay. Get your human guise on and get your supplies. We’re going to need to dump the van back at the Sedona compound before long. I don’t want them to track it back here. After that, we’re going with Jack’s story,” she points at me with her chin. “Kellianne is dear to me. You will protect her with your life. If it becomes untenable, you will bring her to me or Jack - whomever you can find first. Clear?”

  Maddock genuflects, “As you wish, Princess.”

  Kellianne gasps, “You’re a princess?”

  Trina gives the hairy eyeball to the Goblin, “Get moving, Maddock.” Then she looks at Kellianne, “No, sweetie. I’m not. I come from royal bloodlines, but I’m not in contention for any royal seat. What I am, is Jack’s Chief Concubine.” I roll my eyes and spank her ass. She gives me a 100 Kilowatt smile and continues talking to Kellianne, “That means that I recruit concubines and wives for my Lord to bed and wed.”

  I walk outside at that point, not wanting to answer the inevitable questions from Kellianne. Before I get too far, I hear Trina whisper to her, “If things don’t work out with Johnny, you let me know. Our queen has a candidate in mind for his first human concubine, but that doesn’t mean a second wouldn’t be welcome.”

  Kellianne gasps as I step out the door. I squat against the wall and Rottie joins me. He puts his head on my knee, and I scratch behind his ears. “Hey there, good boy. I hope you’re into crazy because that is just what you signed up for.” He chuffs as if to say, ‘Don’t worry, buddy. I’ve got your back.’

  I chuckle, “When did you get so eloquent? Huh?” I lean down and kiss him between his expressive eyes.

  I hear a lovely contralto voice say, “Damn, Jack. Did all your ladies leave you? Good thing I brought some more or your love life would go to the dogs.”

  I look to see Chelsea walking up with a big grin on her face. Behind her walk Solange, Marisol, Tiphanae, and Kristina. I stand up to greet them, which causes Kristina to run up to me. She ignores Rottie’s growl and launches up into the air. I step forward to catch her before Rottie does.

  Kristina wraps her arms and legs around me and kisses me passionately. “I’ve been gone from you too long, Jack,” she gasps as we come up for air.

  Chelsea mutters, “Jeez! Get a room!”

  Solange says, “Just wait until you’ve known him for more than a day. You’ll feel the same way.” She wraps Kristina and me in a hug and kisses me just as passionately as Kristina did. Kristina starts whimpering and squirming while we kiss. When I come up for air, Kristina leans over and drives her tongue into Solange’s mouth.

  I chuckle, “Something tells me we better get inside before we have an orgy on the sidewalk. Ladies, say ‘hi’ to Rottie. Krissie’s met him before, but may not remember.”

  I set her down, and she wraps him in a hug. She says, “That’s right. He took Ronni’s wolf, and then you and Trina influenced me.” She looks up at me, “Dwarves are notoriously hard to influence, plus Trina made sure I recalled everything over Thanksgiving.”

  Chelsea squats down to look Rottie in the eye. “Thank you for taking care of Brother Wolf. When we get Jack settled, I’ll let Sister Wolf out. We can run all over Jack’s property for the sheer joy of it!” Rottie chuffs and then licks her face.

  We all laugh at that.

  Carl’s entourage walks out the door to set up a screen. Carl walks out and sees us all standing there, “Ah, our Bitch! Just in time! We need to get going.” Then he turns to me and extends his hand.

  “Jack, it’s a pleasure getting to know you. I’m sure our alliance will be strong, long, and fruitful for us both.”

  I apply what I’ve heard my Sidhe lovers say, “Thus mote it be.” We man-hug, and Chelsea let’s loose a “Khm” as we part.

  She
says, “My Alpha, I am staying with Jack.” I cock an eyebrow, and she continues, “My wolf has chosen Jack as our mate.”

  My surprise shows, “I thought you two were married.”

  Carl and Chelsea laugh, “It’s a deception that grew on its own, but it has served us well over the years.” Then Carl gets serious, “Jack, let me introduce my daughter, Chelsea Mansfield.”

  Chelsea looks down shyly and I see a slight blush on her neck.

  Carl says, “Chelsea, I think Jack is already married. Your wolf won’t like that.”

  Chelsea nods as she looks up at her father, “He will have at least two wives before I become his. Sister Wolf is warming up to having a big family. I’ve discussed it at length with Kristina, and she agrees that I need to be Jack’s, and he needs to be mine.”

  Kristina tugs my arm, “Yes, Jack. She is in if you are the least bit open to it.”

  “Uh, okay,” I respond. “Chelsea, you’re beautiful, and I do find myself attracted to you. I understand your wolf has chosen me, but what do you want? I’m not going to bind you to me if you don’t want it, too. Do you want to be with me? Do you even want to be my wife? As your father insinuated, my family life is not the least bit conventional. I heard somewhere that wolves mate for life, and they are monogamous. I’m assuming that applies to Shifters, too.”

  Chelsea walks up to me slowly with her eyes lowered. She puts a hand on each shoulder and shivers. Then she takes a half-step forward to clasp her hands behind my neck. Finally, she looks up into my eyes.

  She says, “Jack, it doesn’t work like that. As soon as my wolf spirit, or Sister Wolf, made it known, my human spirit was on board.”

  Carl agrees, “Any healthy pairing works like that - both ways.”

  Chelsea frowns at her father, then turns back to me. “Kristina and I have spent a lot of time talking today. She shared how difficult it is to share the man you love with other women. In your case, that’s MANY other women. She also shared that by holding that natural jealousy in check, she has found a deep love with her sisters regardless of whether they are wives or concubines. As an only child, joining a large loving family is attractive to me. Most importantly, I keep telling myself that my wolf chose you. That may not necessarily be true. Both of my spirits are drawn to you at a visceral level. My wolf is ready to fight all your ladies to be your mate, but she’s willing to try this big family approach after talking to Kristina all day. I, my human spirit, knew it the moment your eyes locked onto mine from across the room when the door of your condo opened. I’m ready to take you out of town, find a convenient patch of grass, drop to my knees and have you take me thoroughly and roughly. I don’t care if I am to be a concubine or a wife, as long as I’m yours.