by K. A. Trent
"I’ve changed my mind. You have a bed," she said finally. "Don't let me catch you sleeping on the floor again, understand?"
I nodded slowly and stared straight ahead as she walked around me and played her fingers against a few lit buttons on the wall. I watched as a drawer slid open and she pulled out a few pieces of clothing. These were different from the long shirt she'd put me in yesterday; this time it was a set of light blue pants and a sleeveless shirt, both made of a shiny material, and both looked as if they would be way too small for me. I quickly noticed that she was wearing something similar, but in light green and with a headband. I couldn't help but once again run my eyes up and down her body; it was perfect, absolutely perfect. The twinge of jealousy that ravaged my very being was indescribable but at the same time, a sensation of pain that I was unable to verbalize either externally or internally. Snapping back to reality, I met her eyes, she'd seen me staring. I expected her to scream at me, or even strike me, but instead she cocked her head.
"I've been down in the Factorum," She said. She didn’t bother looking at me as I answered, she busied herself with one of the drawers positioned along the wall. Still, even distracted, her voice was curt, it was potent; it demanded answers. "Lots of men down there. I've seen how they stare at me, it's always the same. That way you're looking at me right now? It's different. You don't look hungry, you look sad. Why is that?"
I didn't know what to say to myself, let alone to her, so I stood in silence waiting for the awkward moment to pass. I wasn’t sure if my silence would warrant punishment, but my non-responsiveness went unacknowledged. She finally handed me the clothes and gestured toward the room with the shower. I obediently turned and crossed the room, walking through the entry and removing the clothes from last night. She'd had me wear another long shirt, this one much thinner than the one from the day. As it fell, I caught a look at myself in the mirror and turned ninety degrees to get a closer look. A gasp escaped my throat as I saw my reflection; it was me, of course, but there was something very, very different.
My hands numbly reached for my head, making contact with a wave of newly grown hair. I'd never had hair before; in the Factorum they'd said that hair was a breeding ground for disease, so each month, any growth would be shorn off. There were a few who got away with having longer hair, those who stuck to the deep levels, who never showed themselves; forgottchapteren and discarded. Not all of us could get away with that.
My hair was a light brown, not very long, or at least not as long as Kerra's, but it was something, and it was mine. Behind me, in the mirror, I saw Kerra standing behind me, arms folded. She hadn't yelled at me yet, or told me to hurry, so I looked at her questioningly in the reflection.
"The hair growth supplement I gave you last night," She explained. "I told you it's better than the stuff on the open market. We could give you a pretty nice pixie cut, but it'll be down to your shoulders by tomorrow. Once it stops you can style it, if you're here long enough. Get in the shower."
After the shower, I quickly worked my way into the new clothing. It was tighter than I liked but I slid in easily and all said and done, it looked a lot like the outfit Kerra was wearing. I looked to her for approval, received none, and walked toward the door as she gestured. Within moments we stood in the empty hallway outside my room, I looked up and down, still incredulous at the fact that there was not a soul to be seen here.
"We put you down here because no one is ever in this hallway," She explained. "I don't want to take you up to the gym yet so we're going to use this as a track. First thing I'm going to need you to do is sit down on the floor, like this, and put your feet shoulder width apart, like this, and then reach out with both hands. Lean to the right, try to touch your right foot."
It was difficult to mimic her movements but only for a moment. She wasn't impressed, and simply instructed me from one form and stretch to the next. I lost track of how long we'd spent doing it, but after what seemed like hours, she finally instructed me to stand up and pointed toward the end of the hall.
"We'll run from here, to the end of the hall, and then around that corner. When you reach the end, there's a staircase, try to keep up with me. Go up two levels, and we'll run down the next hallway, down the staircase, and end up right back here."
I nodded and matched her pace as she took off. To be honest it wasn't that hard, she was a good runner, but I was faster. I slowed down a little, lagging behind her as we neared the halfway point.
"What are you doing?" She called back to me angrily.
"I...you're too fast," I lied.
"I'm not stupid," She snapped. "I'm not going to punish you for doing your best, come on."
I sped up, unsteady and unsure at first, but suddenly, I passed her. I blew past the doors, reaching the stairs well before her. Past chrome railings, feet pounding on grated steps, and over a wide landing. I found myself on the next level and shot down the hallway quickly. The doors blew past like lightning and I could hear Kerra pounding the floor behind me. I let myself go, I let my mind wander, I let my consciousness float. I was back in the Factorum, racing through the halls, a thick, tattered, leather pack strapped to my shoulders. It weighed me down, but I still pushed forward, never slowing, never tiring.
They liked me for that job because I was small, so I could take shortcuts the others couldn't. Shimmying through crawl spaces, clammering up pipes, vaulting across old decrepit platforms no longer suitable for human interaction. A rat traversing the maze of despair. This hallway was nothing. Seconds later, I stood at the starting spot, right beside my room. I waited a full thirty seconds for Kerra to catch up; she trotted toward me and stopped beside me, her face rife with perspiration. She looked downward at me, a look of puzzlement prevailing.
"I was top of my class for fitness," she said to me once she had taken a moment to catch her breath. "I run fourteen miles per hour, I run every single day. How are you so fit exactly? You read, you can use computers, and you can run at least sixteen. Why? Who are you?"
"I don't know," I replied simply. I didn't know what to tell her. If I talked too much I could make her angry.
"Whatever," She said to me. “You know why we’re doing this, right?”
“I shook my head.”
“You didn’t read far enough in the civics book then. Ereen isn’t an equal opportunity world, everyone gets their fair share, but their fair share is determined by how useful they are to society. If you’re smart, if you’re physically fit, you get a bigger share because you’re more useful. Every young lady is tested for her mental and physical abilities. In the unlikely event that you’re declared a woman, you need to at the very least not embarrass us. Ask your questions.”
“What...what happens if I don’t...do very well?”
“Did you read about the caste system?”
“A little,” I said apprehensively; I wasn’t sure I wanted her to know that I’d skipped a few sections but she didn’t seem to care.
“Ability determines placement on Ereen. That goes for all five colonies. Everyone has a place but some people are placed lower than others. We don’t elect politicians based on their connections or their money, we do it on ability. If you’re dumb as a brick, you can’t lead Ereen. If you can't perform physically, you won’t be in the military. The lowest caste, the Desh, they cook, clean, do our dirty work.”
“That...doesn’t seem…”
“Fair? Deal with it, I imagine it’s where they’ll put you, even if you are fast and smart. It’s where you belong, cleaning up after the rest of us.”
"That's enough for today, go shower and put your dress on, you have someone coming to see you today."
"Who?" I perked up and then slunk back; I knew I shouldn't be asking questions and the glare in her expression toward me showed me that this was correct.
"Go."
I followed her command, taking a quick shower and changing into a gray 'dress,’ as she called it. Before we left the room again, she pulled out the tray and made me
eat a quick meal, which she called 'breakfast'. I wanted to ask what some of the food actually was, but I instead finished the tray and allowed her to lead me out of the hall and back to the elevator. Her hand pressed the button for floor 8, and I waited silently as floor after floor ticked off. On the eighth floor we passed a few people, all women of course who were wearing dresses as well, but not like mine. I looked plain compared to them. They regarded me curiously, though one looked at me with an expression of disgust.
Kerra led me to yet another door, indistinguishable from the others and gestured at me to walk through.
"I'll be back later," She told me. "Don't do anything stupid."
The door closed swiftly behind me; I glanced back at it once, and then forward into this brand new room. Inside were a few of the long padded chairs, a desk, a panel like the one from the doctor's office but far bigger. Three potted plants were placed strategically around the room, and a short table was situated in the center between the chairs. Finally, I noticed her, she was sitting on one of the chairs, shooting a grin back at me, a face I'd never expected to see again. My heart leapt.
"Hi," Callie said to me.
"...Hi," I forced the words out. She laughed a bit and walked toward me. She was beautiful, maybe more so than Kerra. Her wavy brunette hair was pulled back and tied with a pink ribbon, a soft rounded jaw, a short black dress framing her upper body perfectly. I wondered if I looked at her with the same sadness that I looked at Kerra with. I wondered if she noticed. Suddenly, she moved toward me and wrapped her arms around my upper body. I wanted to pull back for the briefest second, and then I leaned into her, returning the gesture and as the warmth of her body intermingled with mine, I felt tears begin to drip from my eyes. No one had ever touched me this way before; the feeling was unfamiliar. It felt so...indescribable. The tears melted into sobs as she patted my back and pulled me closer.
"It's okay," She reassured me. "It's all going to be okay."
Chapter 5
“Are you okay?” She asked me as I melted into her arms. The sobs came in bursts, wails from a pain I didn’t understand. It was her touch; every single little thing about it was triggering something deep within me, something I had never experienced before. I felt safe, I felt warm, I felt so many things in that moment. My face was buried in her shoulder as I held her as tightly as I could, almost wishing to lose myself within her. Whatever this was, whatever was happening, I didn’t want it to end. I shook my head in response to her question. I couldn’t lie, I wasn’t okay, but I didn’t know why I wasn’t okay. This made no sense. A simple act, simple human contact had stirred within me emotions I had never experienced, as if something inside me had been bottled up and was just now being allowed to flow freely. “Alright, alright, it’s alright... Let’s sit down, okay?”
She gently pulled herself away from me, keeping an arm around my back so that she could pull me closer to her. Slowly and carefully she led me over to the long padded chair, guiding me downward and onto it as my head swam. As she sat beside me I stared at her in awe, taking in every single detail of her face. The freckles dotting her cheeks, the paleness of her lips, the loose bangs lying across her forehead. Callie. She was Callie, and she was as beautiful as she’d been on the day I’d met her inside the Factorum. I remembered her so vividly. We’d only been able to exchange a few words safely then but now she was here, right in front of me. I had all the time in the world to say whatever I wanted to her, but the words didn’t exist; the feelings I was having, the wordless thoughts I was experiencing were locked away behind my eyes.
“I’m sorry I took so long to come see you,” She said, breaking me from my trance. “I had…a lot of things to do. Listen, I know you have a lot of questions but I’m going to answer the big one first. Transgender people haven’t been around for a long time, but after I met you, I did a lot of reading on it. It’s old stuff, lots of dusty old files you know? Some of them were so old I had to have programs coded just to read them. Then there were the books we kept in storage all these centuries. It was… an experience. But I took my time, I compiled the information and I made it available for everyone to read. Well, not everyone. Then there was you.”
“Me?” I croaked. “I don’t underst-…”
“I needed proof that transgender people were in the Factorum, that some of the men…could be women. I campaigned, I did interviews, I published papers, all of them focused around you. There are…there are so many people that support you and want to see you succeed. But…there are a lot of people out there that don’t want it.”
“Callie,” I frowned. “I don’t understand. I- I’m grateful. I really am, but... Why?”
“Why what?” She returned the frown.
“Callie, it’s not like I’m more important than you. No one can say that males are better, or worse than women, but the Factorum… It’s just… It’s just the way it is. We live down there, you live up here. That’s how it’s always been.”
“Stop,” she commanded. I fell silent. Despite her being so familiar with me, I still felt compelled to obey her every command. Conditioning was hard to break, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted it to break anyway. She took a deep breath. “You’re not a male. I believe with all my heart that the soul of a woman lives inside you. You belong up here with us. I’m going to prove it.”
“H…how?”
“I need you to show them who you really are. I need… I need you to be the best woman you can be. Kerra is going to help you with that, no matter what it takes. I need you to read, I need you to learn, I need you… I need you to learn how to behave as a woman. I know you’re a woman, I just need the rest of the world to see it. In a few days there’s an event you need to attend, and it’s a big deal. You need to work hard starting today, so do it for me, okay?”
“I… I will,” I promised. “But… why... why do you care so much?”
“Because you’re like me,” She smiled. My heart melted again. “Because you’re worth it. Come on, do you have any more questions?”
“Who is Kerra?” I asked probably the most obvious-- and likely the least relevant-- question possible.
“Kerra is, um... She's a military officer, holds the rank of constable. Kind of a big deal, but she was assigned to you to…” She paused briefly, as though changing her mind about what she’d been about to say. “You know what, I’m sure she’s doing fine.”
I nodded. I didn’t have any real complaints about Kerra.
“Okay, so,” she said softly, taking both my hands in hers and resting them between us. “This event, it’s… It’s kind of formal, and you’re going to be asked some questions. Don’t worry, you’ll have the right answers. You have so much to look forward to, I promise, okay? Your old life is over now, so you can relax. We do have some things we need to talk about, though.”
For a brief moment I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but then it slowly dawned on me. Was the Factorum… Bad? The food was better up here, life was a little more comfortable, but life was life, wasn’t it? I pushed these thoughts away and nodded. I had to go along with it, for Callie. She’d done so much for me. She spent the next hour filling me in on the things she expected me to learn, what we were going to be doing, and the plans she had for when this was all over. I sat there and listened numbly; she was so excited, but why? What was so special about me?
“What do we need to talk about?” I asked nervously. The way she had made it sound was making me anxious.
“Let’s talk about what you’re going to say about the Factorum, first of all,” she said, nodding reassuringly. “Look, love, I’m not going to sugar coat this: the conditions in the Factorum... are bad. Some even say it’s a human rights violation, okay? One day it might come to an end, but right now? It’s kind of too much for us to chew. If the Factorum closes, a lot of people up here will suffer, and we don’t want that, do we?”
I shook my head.
“When people ask you about the Factorum, there are some... things you need to t
ell them. They might ask you for details, but you have to tell them it was a happy place. You have to let them know that you wanted to be there.”
“But... I did want to be there,” I frowned, not understanding. “Where else was there?”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” She sighed. “We have... A media presentation of sorts, which we use to explain the Factorum to off-worlders... Let me bring it up.”
She played with her tablet for a moment, pressing a few controls here and there until the screen in front of us illuminated and the room lights dimmed. I kept my eyes trained on the holo screen as it showed a scene portraying a factory setting far cleaner than the ones I’d worked in. It showed sleeping areas with beds like the one Kerra had given me. A voice told us that the Factorum was a place where men from off-world could choose to live if they wanted to help manufacture products for Ereen. I watched it to the end, wondering at the amazing conditions, the guards without correction rods, knowing that my Factorum had never looked anything like that. The video ended, the lights raised.
“So listen,” she sighed. “That’s what we tell people the Factorum is. And you know what? It is, for some people. The truth is our economy couldn’t survive without the real Factorum. That one you saw on the screen, it’s a nice gesture, but it’s far from reality. The real one, for all its faults, keeps Ereen alive and you were a part of that-- and you should be so proud-- but you’re a part of our world now, and you have to keep the secret. Can you do that for me?”
“Y-yes,” I nodded. Why wouldn’t I?
“We’re going to show you off-- a lot-- and sometimes you’ll have to speak. When they ask you about the Factorum, you need to tell them that it is what they already believe it is.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I nodded.
“Kerra is outside,” she told me. “You make sure you listen to her, okay?”
I nodded numbly as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to my cheek for a brief moment. A feeling of comfort shivered up my back, and once again I felt the warmth I’d felt when she’d pressed her body to mine. Just another one of her small miracles.
