Shadow of the Factorum: The Interview

by K. A. Trent

  “No, no, no,” I whispered to the water. No one could hear me, no one was coming to save me. No one could know what was happening inside my head. Their voices were so real, so loud.

  “Get moving male,” I heard one of them shout.

  “Stop looking at me! Stop moving around! Stare straight ahead! Fucking males!”

  Male. Male. They kept calling me male. I’m not a male, I thought to myself over and over again. I’m not a male, I’m not a male, I’m not one of them. Please help me. Someone help me.

  There was no help coming. Never. I stood there, in the shower, drifting between reality and the ghosts of my past as my fears and my memories began to overtake me. Make it stop, someone make it stop. The pain of the correction rod slamming against the soles of my feet, my screams as electricity arced through my body, the bruises on my ankles, my wrists, and my neck as they held me down, against the filthy concrete floor. Their laughter as I cried, as I begged. That smell of sulfur permeating my senses. I screamed, a shrill sound breaking the silence of the water. My fists pounded against nothing-- and then I felt the arms wrap around me. They were trying to hold me down again, it was coming. The rod was coming.

  “No, no, no, please,” I sobbed. “Please no-“

  “Astra,” I heard Donna’s voice, it was soft, it was far away. “Astra, sweetie, I’m here, I’m here. No one’s going to hurt you.”

  “Please don’t hurt me-“

  “You’re safe, honey,” her voice said again.

  It ended-- the voices in my head, the sounds of machinery, the sensations-- they all snapped to a halt, sending me reeling back to reality where I lay on the floor of the shower, Donna’s arms wrapped around me as the water washed over the both of us. My feet were a tangled mess out in front of me, resting against the drain, my hair half washed and covered in shampoo, my arms feeling as if they would bruise at any moment.

  “Donna?” I choked out through my tears. “Donna?”

  “I’m here sweetie,” she reassured me. “It’s just me, okay?”

  “I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I didn’t want to be any trouble. Please don’t send me back, please don’t send me back, please don-“

  “Sweetie you’re not going back.” Her arms wrapped around me, tighter now. She rested her cheek against mine. “You’re safe now. Just relax.”

  “Donna, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m-“

  “No,” she said softly. “No apologies. Ever.”

  Chapter 13

  “Deep breaths, Astra,” Donna massaged my shoulders, I sat on the edge of her bed, doubled over and wrapped in her bathrobe. “You can get through this. I believe in you. Come on.”

  I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, hot tears sliding down my face. I couldn’t get through it; there was no end-- I could still feel it. I would never escape.

  “Astra, honey,” she said as she continued to rub my shoulders. “Take a deep breath and think about where you are right now. You’re not down there, you’re in my house. There are people who love you. No one is going to treat you badly again. Well, except maybe Kerra... I don’t know what she does behind closed doors. Okay listen, I want you to focus on what’s going on here, right now, where are you?”

  “I… I’m in… your house…”

  “Where, specifically?”

  “Your room?”

  “Okay, good,” she said approvingly, encouragingly. “Now, look at the mirror over there, what do you see?”

  “I see… I see… Us… You and me.”

  “Yeah, baby, now focus on me, just focus on my face for a minute, okay? I will never let anyone hurt you again. You have my word, okay?”

  I turned and wrapped my arms around her, practically screaming into her armpit as she rubbed my back until finally I raised my eyes. My vision stung, but otherwise I felt completely numb, like I wasn’t really there. Like I was floating away from where my body was, more of an observer than myself.

  “What’s happening to me?” I pleaded. “Why am I like this?”

  “Oh sweetie,” she hugged me back. “It’s called post-traumatic stress disorder. You lived through something horrible for a really, really long time, so you’re going to relive the memories for a while. It even happens to the strongest people, like the soldiers we sent to Earth to help fight in the Jupiter conflict. Most of them came back, but they never really came back. It’s a normal thing to go through when you experience something that’s not normal at all.” She looked up at a clock that hung on the wall, then turned back to me. “Okay, listen, it’s almost time for Ashley and Carrie to get home. You can help us with dinner and then maybe you can watch a show with them, wouldn’t that be nice?”

  “A… Show?” I was genuinely confused. What was a ‘show’?

  “I think you’re going to like it here,” Donna laughed and hugged me again. “I have some clothes for you to wear, we’ll sort out your makeup before tomorrow. You have to look your best at Aeristas tomorrow, so we’re going to make that happen, okay?”

  “What is… Aeristas?” I asked. “Why do I have to go there?”

  “Well, it’s a school,” Donna explained. Suddenly I remembered Callie explaining this, but she never quite explained what it entailed, so I let Donna go on.

  “There are a lot of schools, but this one teaches you academics and they have a vocational program so you can get a job after you graduate. You can obviously get by without a job-- everyone gets a stipend and basic living quarters-- but if you have a job and contribute you can live a better life. If you attend Aeristas, you can learn to do anything you want.”

  “I think maybe… I should be what they want me to be,” I echoed Doctor Fitz’s words and I saw Donna frown a bit. She smiled, handed me a pile of clothes and asked me to meet her in the kitchen. The outfit was a pair of black leggings and a gray top with a kind of low neckline, I didn’t know what to call it, just a shirt maybe? I left the bedroom and stopped briefly to listen to the news that Donna had turned on in the kitchen.

  Of course if transgender men are found to exist in our society, we’d offer them the same choice that was presented to the remaining males at the end of the revolution – travel offworld, or live in the Factorum— The first voice was quickly interrupted by another female commentator.

  ‘But there are many who say that the males were rounded up and-“

  “All right, that’s enough of that,” Donna waved her hand and deactivated the screen. Just as she did, the door opened and two girls about my age walked through.

  “Hey Mom,” the first girl said. Both of them had dark hair and the same olive skin tone as Donna. I was instantly intimidated; I began to shrink away, back toward the room with the bed. It didn’t go unnoticed; the girl smiled and walked toward me. “Hi, you must be Astra!”

  I froze in place, the girl was… I don’t know how to describe it. I guess I liked the way she looked. She walked toward me with a sort of bouncy motion and looked me over.

  “She’s cute, mom!” The girl smiled and glanced back in Donna’s direction. “Can we keep her?”

  “Maybe for a few days,” Donna laughed. “Astra, this is Ashley, and this girl over here is Carrie. They’re my daughters, and your new best friends.”

  “She is really cute,” Carrie said, stepping forward. “Did you do her makeup, mom?”

  “I did, actually,” Donna told them. “A few days ago. Let’s stop talking about her like she isn’t here, though. That makes people uncomfortable, you weirdos.”

  The girls laughed, and I reluctantly joined in. Ashley inspected my hair.

  “Girls, get washed up,” Donna instructed them. “We’re going to get dinner ready. Tonight we’re having celda wraps, so I need someone to chop the peppers.”

  “I…I can do that,” I stepped forward a little, and Donna smiled at me.

  “I know you can.” She pointed me toward the counter and handed me a small knife. “Okay, let’s get started.”

  She walked me through dicing the peppers. Carrie
and Ashley eventually rejoined us, and to be honest, I’m not sure what we talked about. Ashley talked about school, Carrie talked about some after-school activity-- something about kicking a ball around. I tried to follow, and they tried to include me, but what did I have to contribute? Their lives seemed so light-hearted next to mine. Was I supposed to tell them how I’d worked in the Factorum? No, I couldn’t tell the truth about that place, so why talk about it? How Kerra had forced me to run an obstacle course over and over? How I was living in constant fear of going back?

  “Astra,” Donna finally said to me. “What are your plans? What do you want to do?”

  The room went silent; all attention was on me. Carrie and Ashley stared at me intently while I fumbled and tried to come up with something interesting to stay. Finally, I remembered once again the words that Doctor Fitz had spoken to me at the clinic.

  “I… I think I should go into public service,” I said, trying to sound certain. “Because…I think… It would be best to help Ereen in any way I can. I feel like I’ve been given a chance and… I need to make the most of it.”

  “That’s great,” Ashley smiled. “I bet you’ll do good!”

  “Yeah,” Carried nodded in agreement. “Public service is great-- you could work for the parks division or something!”

  “That sounds like exactly what they would want you to say,” Donna told me. I couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not.

  I fell silent for a moment and tried to think of something to break the tension, but it happened automatically with the sound of a buzzer near the front of the house. Donna stood from the table and retrieved her tablet she frowned, looking at the display.

  “Girls,” She said. “Go to your bedrooms-- well, all of you, go to one bedroom. Just… keep Astra safe please.”

  “What is it?” I stood up, my heart began to race. “What’s happening?”

  The buzzer sounded again, and this time it was accompanied by a voice.

  “Ms. Smythe, we know you’re in there. This is the police, open up or we’ll take the door down.”

  “Astra,” Donna stared at me intently, her look almost a threat. “Go with them, sit in the bedroom. Now.”

  Chapter 14

  “Stop listening at the door,” Carrie insisted. “Come sit down.”

  “What if they’re here for me?” I pleaded. “I need to know.”

  “Mom won’t let them take you-- Come sit,” Ashley patted the bed beside her and widened her eyes at me, a more commanding gesture, I’d learned. I reluctantly walked toward the bed and took a seat beside her, giving up as she placed both hands against my knee and stared into my eyes. “Just calm down. Here, let’s watch a movie.”

  The room was smaller than Donna’s: the walls were a sort of dull pink, covered in photos of faraway places and people I didn’t know. There was a desk in the corner, a screen, clothes scattered across the floor. The kind of room I would have liked to live in maybe, if...

  “A movie?” I asked. What was a movie?

  “We have a lot of movies,” Carrie added. “Mom even has a couple of off-world ones that have males in them.”

  “Men,” Ashley corrected her. “They’re called men.”

  “Right, men,” Carrie nodded.

  “But what are movies?” I was genuinely curious; whatever was happening in the other room had practically slipped my mind.

  “They’re like um… plays,” Carrie attempted to explain. “But you know, with people.”

  “Plays?”

  “You watch people act out a story,” Ashley said helpfully.

  “I don’t--“

  “Bedtime, you two,” Donna said, opening the bedroom door. “Same goes for you, Astra. I’ll show you to the guest room.”

  “But what happened?” Ashley asked.

  “We’ll talk about it tomorrow,” Donna informed her, ushering her out of the room. “Come on, Astra, you have a big day tomorrow.”

  I said goodnight to Carrie and Ashley, and allowed Donna to lead me to the guest room by my hand. She practically picked me up and sat me down on the bed. I didn’t resist, but I could feel the anxiety building up inside me. What were the police doing at the door? What did they want? Was it about me?

  “It’s a summons,” She told me. “Your genetic test came back… okay, but there are still some… things the high court wants to work out. I think-- I mean I THINK it’s all going to come down to character witnesses. People have to believe that you’re a girl, and not just some male from the Factorum. Honestly, seeing is believing and you’ve got to knock it out of the park.”

  “Donna- Ma’am, I- I want to stay here.” I couldn’t describe what I was feeling, even if I wanted to. “I-- I like this. I feel like it’s where I belong. Please don’t let them take me.”

  “I promise you, I’m not going to let them take you,” Donna reassured me. “Here, change into this and lay down. I’m waking you up early to take you to Aeristas, and you’re going to impress everyone there.”

  “What am I going to do there?” I’d heard a lot of talk about Aeristas, but no one had told me what it was about, or what I was supposed to do when I went there.

  “Well you’re going on a tour of the campus, and a lot of people are going to be watching you, so it would be in your best interest to act like a young lady--“

  “What does a young lady act like?”

  “You’ve read more than most people,” Donna told me. “You probably know better than anyone.”

  Did I?

  I changed into the clothes she’d given me: a pair of pants and a t-shirt, but they were much softer than anything I’d ever worn in the past. I let her tuck me into the bed and, to my surprise, she planted a kiss on my forehead. I had no idea how to react, so I didn’t.

  “Lights off,” she commanded in an upbeat voice; the lighting in the room immediately dimmed until there was nothing left but the moonlight, hanging high above the skies of Ereen, but still shining into my window. It gave me an odd comfort, as if the moon thought I was good enough to share its light with me, despite all I was. “Close your eyes, hun. I’m going to sing you a song-- kind of an old one. One of the things we didn’t lose when we came here from Earth.”

  I closed my eyes, reluctantly, and allowed the darkness to overtake me. I immediately felt sleepy, but I could feel her hand on me, softly caressing my cheek, and her voice, singing softly. A lullaby?

  I faded out, the rest of the song lost to me. I drifted into a dreamless sleep, only to awaken what seemed a mere few seconds later. My eyes shot open-- Donna was gone, but the moon still shone through the window pane. I thought to go back to sleep but quickly realized that I was far too restless for that. I tried to concentrate on the sounds around me, the sound of vehicles outside, the hum of the pipes in the wall, and then turned my attention to the door. It wasn’t exactly soundproof; I could hear Donna pacing outside, maybe in the kitchen. She was talking to someone. Slowly and carefully, I slid my blankets aside and tiptoed over to the door, pressing my ear to the metal.

  “This entire thing is a shit show!” I heard Donna hiss. Almost immediately, I heard Kerra’s voice, but it was metallic, a kind of buzz to it, as if she weren’t really there. Donna was talking to Kerra on comm. What did that mean? “Look, two officers came here today, they issued a summons. I thought it would be over when the genetic testing was done!”

  “We both know the genetic test was a sham,” Kerra’s voice said. “Doesn’t matter, she’s a girl to me. She’s a girl to you, who cares? She just has to let the media eat her up. It’s really in the hands of the people now.”

  “No. No it’s not.” Donna’s voice was seething with rage. “If they find out who she really is--“

  “How are they going to find out, Donna?” Kerra demanded. “Fitz got rid of the DNA-- they can’t match it to anything. ANYTHING. We stick to the plan, she doesn’t have to die, and we’re absolved. Get it? Just don’t do anything stupid.”

  “I haven’t done anything stup
id!” Donna replied. She was getting angrier, but I could sense the panic in her voice. “Fine, we just keep it quiet, we never bring it up again--“

  “And she lives happily ever after, like the good little girl she is,” Kerra finished her sentence.

  “But what if she doesn’t?” Donna’s tone changed, erring on the side of concern. “What if…”

  “We cross that bridge when we come to it,” Kerra snapped. “You know what you’re doing? You’re borrowing trouble. Nothing’s happened yet. It hasn’t even been mentioned. Yes, it’s good to prepare, it’s good to plan, but there’s no sense in working yourself up. We are fine. She is fine. Take her to Aeristas tomorrow, let her put on a good performance, act like the loving mother she never had, and stop fucking worrying. It’s a great story, it’ll be fine.”

  “You seem confident.”

  “Look, Donna, I have a plan.” Kerra’s voice had changed; there was something different in her tone. It was resigned, calm. “I’ve been planning something since the beginning. Something- something changed when I met her. I--”

  “Wait-- Did you hear that?”

  “Hear what?”

  “I think I heard something in the other room,” I could hear Donna’s footsteps moving quickly toward my door. I quickly, carefully stood and rushed toward the bed, throwing the covers over myself and squeezing my eyes shut. I heard the door slide open, felt her standing there, peering over me. I kept my head pressed to the pillow, my long hair billowing out across my cheeks as I silently begged her to believe my ruse.