by K. A. Trent
Finally, I heard the door shut and her footsteps fade back down the hall. I didn’t dare to leave the bed again, I clutched the comforter and curled my knees up to my chest as I tried to drift off to sleep. Who was I? What was I?
Chapter 15
“Aeristas has a complicated history,” Donna elaborated as she pulled the car up to a huge set of gates. The word ‘Aeristas’ hung above in an arc, each letter individually formed from steel. I briefly wondered if I had made any of those letters. “It was founded shortly after the beginning of the Luna colony as an all girl’s school. During the… crisis, it was taken over as a base of operations for the patriarchal movement. The girls here were subjected to-- Well, I won’t go into it. After the pandemic, and the revolt, the grounds were retaken and the men… Well, okay you know what, you’re fourteen? Fifteen? Either way you don’t need to hear about this.”
“It sounds like they deserved it,” I said. I was getting a little more comfortable with expressing my own opinions, at least with Donna. “I just-- no, I’m sorry I- I shouldn’t--”
“No, it’s perfectly fine,” Donna said as she pulled into a parking space. “Tell me what you think.”
“I think it must have been horrible for those women in the old days. I read about it and-- I mean, I think-- someone spends their life learning to be a doctor, or a nurse, or a rocket scientist, or… Whatever, and then a male comes and tells them that they’re not qualified, and that they’re only good for one thing. So they take them away from everything they know and force them to cook, or clean or… That other stuff. I think everyone should be able to choose to be what they want.”
“When you say everyone,” Donna asked me. “Do you mean males too?”
“I-- I don’t know,” I admitted. “I feel like they caused a lot of the problems.”
“It goes both ways. It’s important to find balance, but-- Hey, you’re about to have company.” She pointed to the passenger side window. I looked out and squinted; across the field, I could see several parked vehicles, some bigger than Donna’s, accompanied by a crowd of women.
“Who are they?” I asked, craning my neck to see.
“The media,” she explained. “They want to talk to you. They want to know all about the first transgender girl to attend Aeristas in two hundred years. What do you think you’re going to say to them?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m a little nervous.”
“If they ask you questions about the Factorum, either don’t answer, or tell them you were treated well,” Donna told me. I turned to look at her.
“I don’t understand... You want me to lie?”
“Sometimes a lie is a lot better than the truth. This is one of those times.”
“You- you won’t let them send me back, right?” I’d probably asked this a million times, but somehow I couldn’t help but think my path was on a collision course with the Factorum. Of course I was going back there, it was only a matter of time.
“I won’t let you go back,” she promised. Was it a promise she could keep? I’d passed the genetic test, I was going to school-- everything seemed as if it were going right, but was it really? I couldn’t tell. “Let’s go face the music, shall we?”
I hesitated, but Donna was on my side of the car before I knew it, opening the door and pulling me out. I was wearing the outfit that Kerra had picked for me-- the white blouse, the long black skirt. It went down to my ankles; I felt a little overdressed, but it did a good job of hiding the scars. Makeup did the rest. My hair was pulled back into a high pony-tail, held with a thick black tie, or a ‘scrunchie’ as Donna had called it. She’d called my shoes ‘Mary Janes’. They were a little clunky, but I liked them a lot better than the heels Kerra had made me wear. As the crowd came near, I could think only of the words I’d heard Donna say last night. What was I? What had she been talking about? Was it something I should bring up?
“Excuse me, Astra? Are you Astra?” A woman from the crowd asked. “Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
“Um…” I tried to speak but I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. I forced a smile.
“Astra!” Another woman shouted. “How does it feel to be the first transgender female to attend Aeristas in two hundred years?”
“What vocation will you be specializing in?”
“I, um--” I began to stammer, but Donna’s hand on my shoulder stabilized me. “Hi, um, I feel honored to be here, and to be given… this chance. I understand what a privilege it is to be chosen to attend Aeristas, especially with my special circumstances. Um, for my vocation, I was really hoping I could do something that leads to public service.”
“Why public service?” the first reporter asked. “Surely you could do something a little better for yourself.”
“I think that…that--” I felt myself beginning to sweat, my white top was getting soaked with perspiration. I was standing out here, trying to answer these questions with no script and no guidance from Donna. Couldn’t she have told me that there would be reporters? “I think that the. Prime Minister, Luna, and Ereen have given me…a chance to live as the person I truly am, and…I should try to give back as best I can. I think I owe everyone a lot, and--“
“Do you really think you can pretend to be a woman? I mean do you think you’re fooling anyone?” A third reporter demanded. I stopped speaking and stared straight at her. She was staring directly at me, her eyes penetrating my soul. I couldn’t find my words; I didn’t know what to say.
“Ms. Astra won’t be answering any more questions at this time,” a familiar voice cut in. I turned and was almost relieved to see Headmistress Joelynn walking toward us. She had a familiar gait, one of confidence and purpose. The silver hair, the matching blue skirt and top, heels clicking against the pavement. I was actually intimidated as she stepped close and placed an arm around my shoulder, pulling me out of the media’s trap. She pulled me far away from the crowd, and then dropped her arm as we neared the building. It was a brick structure, out of place with the rest of the steel and glass city that surrounded it. “Eating up the media’s attention, I see.”
“No Ma’am,” I shook my head. “They were… here when we drove up.”
“You’d better be telling the truth, young lady,” she said, pursing her lips and speeding ahead. I was struggling to keep up. “I won’t have my school turned into a circus.”
“No Ma’am,” I agreed.
“This is a place of learning, a place to prepare for your future. It’s not a place for you to showboat or brag about your status. If I catch wind of you doing ANY of that, you’re out on the street, do you understand?”
“Yes Ma’am,” I agreed. It was odd to me; I’d gotten so used to being casual with Donna. I’d almost forgotten who I was. I glanced behind to make sure Donna was following us. She shot me an enthusiastic look and I turned my eyes front again.
“Today you’ll be seeing the dorms, the classrooms, and some of the facilities. You’ll also be taking a standardized placement test to determine where you belong and what programs you will be eligible for. Have you passed the physical fitness test?”
“No Ma’am,” I shook my head. “We’ll take care of that today then as well.”
“Yes Ma’am.”
She led me through a few different floors and pointed out some of the classrooms. I got a few strange looks from girls passing by; I wondered if they knew who I was. I wondered if I knew who I was. Once the tour was over, I was quickly ushered into an empty classroom and handed a tablet.
“This standardized test will help us determine your placement,” she explained again. “You have one hour to complete the test, and we understand that there are many subjects that you won’t understand due to your… circumstances. Do your best, and we will take your disabilities into account.”
The room was empty, Donna had been left to wait in the hall. I looked at the first page of questions; they were problematic. Mostly, they were questions about the English language. I had
no idea how to conjugate a verb, or what sentence structure was. I flipped to the next page, and then the next. Some of it was easy, some of it was impossible. I could feel myself sweating again. I had no choice, I blazed through the test, answering the questions to the best of my ability. It took the entire hour and by the end of it, my palms were sweaty, the tablet was wet, and my skirt was riding up my butt. The tablet screen flashed ‘Test Complete’, and I gladly stood from the desk, breathing heavily.
“I’d like to ask you a question,” Headmistress Joelynn said as she entered the room and took the tablet. “Why is it that you know nothing about the English language but everything about mathematics and engineering?”
“I…” I hesitated. “I guess I’m just better at those subjects.”
“That’s a lie,” she stared at me. “These are very specific questions, you would have had to have studied those topics extensively. Quantum physics? Propulsion? Trigonometry? The question about the load bearing capacity of an expansion bridge? You shouldn’t know these things.”
“I… guess… I’m lucky,” I nodded, hoping that answer was adequate.
“You didn’t guess at these answers.” She held the tablet up for me to see. “You worked this one out, with actual math. None of this was random.”
I stayed silent; I didn’t know what I was supposed to say.
“I suppose we’ll have to get you into a good English language course,” She sighed. “We’ll get your physical fitness test taken care of next; hopefully you don’t run at supersonic speeds.”
“No Ma’am.”
“We’ll see, follow me.”
Chapter 16
I was led into a room not unlike the one Kerra kept the obstacle course in, but it was smaller-- maybe a third of the size. There were lines painted on the floor, and overhead a few windows allowed natural light to saturate the space. At the far end, I could see a transparent wall, a pool of water on the other side. A white sign read, “No Recreational Swimming.” I walked into the room nervously. A large group of girls had been tossing a ball amongst themselves, but ceased their activity the moment I entered the space. I gulped, clasped my hands together and tried to imagine myself somewhere else, anywhere else.
“May I have your attention, please,” Headmistress Joelynn called out from behind me. “This is Astra. She will be participating in today’s gym class, and subsequent physical fitness test. Please show her the ropes, and do try to make her feel welcome.”
With that, I was alone. Headmistress Joelynn exited the room and I was left with the girls and their teacher. My face burned red. My eyes darted from left to right, looking for an escape. The girls were all dressed in white uniforms, v-necked shirts with black necklines. A blonde girl with pigtails trotted over, stopping about halfway between the group and myself. I looked at the floor.
“Is this the Astra?” she asked, looking me up and down. “I was expecting…a male.”
“Looks like a girl to me,” another girl said, shrugging as she joined her. “Wonder what it’s hiding under that skirt though.”
I looked around for help from the remaining girls or the teacher who stood on the sidelines, but simply observed.
“Hey!” A third girl stepped forward. She was a little taller, a little more intimidating; she reminded me of Kerra a little. “Where are we, right now?”
“Um, gym class,” the girl with the pigtails said.
“I mean where the fuck are we, right now?” The tall girl growled.
“Aeristas,” Pigtails said quietly.
“And you?” She turned to the other girl who mumbled the same.
“Look at that, it’s on your shirt, and this is the most elite girl’s academy in Luna. If you need a reminder, look down, read the name, and don’t forget it next time. Respect, duty, and compassion, say it right the fuck back to me.”
“Respect, duty, compassion,” the girls said in unison, but without enthusiasm.
“Good. Now, Astra, my name is Charlotte. I’m the house leader for Theta Beta. It’s a weird numbering system, but here we are. Now, I understand you’re going to be with us for the remainder of the class, and I want you to know that despite who you are and where you’re from, you’re going to be treated with respect, right ladies?”
“Yes,” the girls nodded in unison. Their tune had changed, but their attitude had not. I wondered what exactly Theta Beta meant, and who this girl-- Charlotte-- was. It probably wasn’t a good time to ask.
“Now, the two of you, take Astra to the locker room and find her a uniform. Be back out here in five minutes.”
I walked between them, trying to keep to myself, and feeling horribly overdressed with my long skirt swishing past my ankles. The two girls led me into a hallway on the other side of the gymnasium, then into something I recognized: a locker room. I’d seen this before-- down in the Factorum-- but it was a little different here. Cleaner, happier.
“Allie, where are the extra uniforms?” Pigtails asked.
“Over here.” Allie walked to a cabinet and pulled out a pair of shorts and a top, just like the ones the other girls were wearing. She handed it to me indifferently, and then they stared at me. I hesitated, and my hands began to shake. I didn’t know what to do.
“Well?” Pigtails said. “Get changed.”
“Is…is there anywhere I can go?” I said pleadingly as pigtails crossed her arms. “Like…”
“We change in front of each other,” Allie snapped. “Or…are you ashamed of something?”
“No…” I felt my face burning again. This was happening a lot lately.
“No... Ma’am?” Pigtails glared at me.
“No, Ma’am,” I slowly, carefully removed my top, leaving my chest exposed, and then the skirt. They smirked. I wanted to scream. It was all over in a second, but felt like an hour. I put the uniform on and stood dead still, waiting for the next set of instructions.
“Fold your clothes,” Allie said, pointing to the floor. “Don’t leave them lying around, you slob.”
Pigtails snickered as I bent down to pick the clothes up.
“Crouch, you idiot,” Allie snapped. “Like you’re doing a squat, don’t bend over like that. Where do you think you are?”
I muttered an apology and folded the skirt and top, then allowed them to lead me back onto the gymnasium floor. Charlotte glanced over from across the floor and nodded her approval as we rejoined the group. I stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do, but the teacher quickly called us to order, having us stand apart and work through a series of stretches. Most of them were easy for me, but some of them worked muscle groups that I was completely unfamiliar with. At the end of it, we did some jogging exercises around the perimeter of the gym, walking for a few minutes, then running for a few minutes more. I ran at a moderate pace, careful not to rush to the front or outrun anyone. Eventually the teacher stopped us and had us do some basics, like a shuttle run, lunges, and a few other things I was very familiar with from my time with Kerra. The class went quickly. I got a few strange looks from the other girls. Did I not look like a girl, or had they just heard a lot about me? I couldn’t be sure. Finally, the teacher called for us to stop and line up. We stood shoulder width apart, staring straight ahead; at least this was something I was used to.
“Okay,” the teacher said, pacing back and forth. “As you know, today you’re going to take your physical fitness test. This is one of the most important tests that you will take at this point in your life-- it will determine your physical abilities which could affect your job placement and eligibility later in life. It consists of three phases. In the first phase you will perform situps and pushups. You are required to complete at least twenty of each, but one hundred and ten would give you optimal placement opportunities. The second phase is running-- you’ll need to complete a one mile run in ten minutes or less. Third, upper body strength. You will need to complete at least thirty pull ups, but one hundred and ten are required for advanced placement. Keep in mind that this is a basi
c physical fitness test, so there will be opportunities for more advanced tests later on, but today you’re just going for your certification. I understand that some of you will do better than others, and some of you are at a severe disadvantage, but do the best you can.”
She’d looked directly at me when she said ‘severe disadvantage.’ I looked away in shame. She talked for a bit longer, and then we were off. Split into groups of four, we took our turns in front of the instructor to do the sit ups and push ups. Charlotte knelt in front of me, pressed her palms against my feet, and instructed me to begin. I laid against the mat for a moment and then began to pull myself upward, the first few repetitions being easy, then becoming progressively harder. I hadn’t done anything like this before. Running was one thing, jumping was another thing, and I could easily handle both-- but this type of workout was foreign to me. By the end of it, I was groaning and forcing myself to complete the last few. I barely came in at average; Charlotte shook her head and instructed me to hold her feet. We switched places and I held her feet, watching her easily pull off more than a hundred sit-ups.
“See?” She said. “Easy.”
Yeah, easy.
The rest of it went as expected: I nearly failed at the push ups, and then, finally, it came time for the run. We split up into groups of four once again, and I did my best not to outrun the rest. In fact, I outright lagged behind Charlotte and Allie until finally, the teacher blew her whistle and ordered us to stop.
“Astra!” The teacher shouted, making a beeline for us. I dropped my head down and folded my hands. “What are you doing?”
“I…I don’t understand, Ma’am, I’m…I’m sorry,” I stuttered.
“You’re holding back, I can tell you’re not running at your full speed-- what are you doing?”
Why could so many people tell that I was holding back?
