by K. A. Trent
“I’m sorry,” I said again, my eyes burning with tears of humiliation.
“Everyone back to the lineup-- everyone but you, Astra,” she ordered. Charlotte, Allie, and the other girl complied, jogging across the floor and rejoining the formation. “Okay, now starting from here I want you to run at your full speed-- if you don’t, I’m going to fail you. Go.”
I took a deep breath; the last thing I wanted was to be better than anyone here; that just wasn’t my place in life. Finally, I took off, one foot in front of the other, running along the edge of the gymnasium. It was a little bit hard; the corners of the gym weren’t rounded, so making the turns was harder, but I quickly blew past the first marker, and made it to the second easily. Four runs around the gym was a mile. As I ran, I observed the expressions of the girls standing in the formation; Pigtails gasped audibly, and Charlotte simply nodded. I finished the run, stopping directly in front of the teacher and recovering my breath.
“Three minutes,” she said, staring at the stopwatch on her wristband. “I guarantee you, you’re the only one in this room-- aside from me-- who can do that. If you want to succeed up here with the rest of us, don’t hold back just to make everyone else look good. You’re doing yourself a disservice and you’re taking the rest of us for idiots, do you understand?”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I nodded.
“Good girl, now get ready for the last part of the test.”
I passed the last part-- barely-- and the class ended. With my skirt and white top back on, I met Donna outside, in the hallway.
“How did it go?” Donna asked. “Did you pass?”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I nodded. “Sorry, I mean-- yes--yeah-- Yes, I did.”
“Okay,” she laughed. “That’s good to hear. So guess what? I just got a call from Callie, and you’re booked tomorrow for ‘Good Morning Luna’, it’s a morning talk show where they’ll interview you and, you know, introduce you to the rest of Ereen. It’ll be fun, okay?”
“A talk show? You mean, like… on the screen?”
“Yeah,” Donna smiled. “On the screen.”
“I don’t know about that,” I looked at her pleadingly. “That’s a lot of people at once.”
“You’re going to do great.” She laid her hand on my shoulder and smiled. “Come on, let’s go home and cook dinner.”
Chapter 17
I don't usually dream, or at least I don't remember my dreams, but as Donna tucked me in after the physical fitness test, I drifted off into a world I didn't recognize. In the past if I'd dreamed, it was always more like a jumbled mess, or it was about something that I wanted being taken away from me. Tonight it was different;, tonight it was something completely foreign to me. I was small, tiny. All around me was darkness except for a streak of light on the floor. It was dim, but I could begin to make out the outline of a storage compartment. I was in a cabinet. Why was I in a cabinet?
"Hello?" I tried to call out, but my voice didn't seem to work. Suddenly, voices from beyond the cabinet, voices I recognized but couldn't place.
"Jarreth, we have to get out of here, just do a burn, at least get us to the far side of the asteroid!" A woman's voice shouting, panicked.
"Fuel reserves are gone, hull integrity fifteen percent, we're going to-"
It shook, everything shook. A violent roar tore through the space. The door in front of me swung open and I dropped onto my hands, falling free of the compartment. A woman was instantly at my side, lifting me up and pushing me back toward the compartment.
"No, honey, you have to hide," She insisted. "They can't find you--"
She was instantly interrupted by yet another torrent of sound, this time sending us both to the floor.
"Come on back inside, sweetie. Mommy loves you, mommy--"
My eyes flew open. I was back in Donna's spare bedroom, the sheets soaked with sweat, but I was freezing. The moment my eyes opened, the dream began to fade. I tried to hold onto it, I tried to anchor myself by recalling just one detail, but it was gone, leaving me to wonder what had just transpired. No sooner had I wasted time trying to figure it out, than Donna burst into the room, briefly followed by Ashley and Carrie until she rushed them out of the room.
“Astra,” she said, sitting on the bed and taking my hands. “Are you okay? You were screaming.”
“Yes Ma’am,” I gasped, squeezing her hands and burying the side of my face in the sweat soaked pillow. “I just-- I had a dream…”
“What was it about?” she asked me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t… I don’t remember.”
“I think today, after the talk show, we should go out and do something, maybe eat at a restaurant, see a movie. Something to get your mind off things.”
“Yes Ma’am.”
“Astra--”
“I’m sorry,” I said as apologetically as possible. It was just a habit.
“It’s fine honey,” she smiled. “But it’s two in the morning, and we have a long ride to the studio. Let’s get you up and dressed.”
I climbed out of the bed and showered. When I finished, I noticed that she’d chosen an outfit for me and left it on the counter of the wash basin: a navy blue top with flowing sleeves and a low neckline. It seemed casual but it was kind of on the cute side as well. I smiled as I slid it over my head and joined it with another black skirt. Donna fed me a quick breakfast and we were in the car before I knew it, driving toward an uncertain destination.
“What do I do?” I asked, referring to the upcoming event. “What do I say to them?”
“You say what you’ve been saying all along,” she reassured me. “Tell them you want to serve Ereen. Act like a young girl, and that shouldn’t be too hard, you ARE a young girl.”
We passed the rest of the ride in silence, aside from my occasional pointing something out or asking about a building or a sign. We eventually pulled into a parking lot, filled with other cars that looked like Donna’s, and she led me to a building. It was a tall structure of steel and glass, an apron of white concrete laid out in front of a set of glass entry doors. All around us women walked across the pavilion, entering the doors, leaving the building, the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I guessed. I followed Donna toward the large doors and passed through into a lobby not unlike the one we’d stood in at the capitol building. A huge space, a marble floor, steel and glass windows surrounding and jutting into an arc high above us. Curved glass overhead refracted the light but simultaneously toned it down, casting a bluish white hue over the lobby. Donna noticed me staring at the overhead structure and smiled.
"Beautiful, isn't it?” she said to me. "It's amazing what women can build. Come on, we're heading over here to meet Callie."
I took a deep breath and tried to suppress an oncoming grin. Callie was here. I hadn't seen her in so long. I excitedly walked alongside Donna, who quickly clasped my hand in hers the moment I began to get ahead of her. She squeezed and continued walking.
I saw her, finally, sitting on a couch at the far end of the lobby. She was dressed in beautiful shades of gray and white today, her hair loose for once. She sat beside another woman, one with red hair, wearing a suit, holding a tablet, and having what appeared to be a deep conversation. Both of them rose from the couch as they saw Donna and I approaching.
"Astra!" Callie exclaimed as she moved forward to give me a brief hug. "It's so good to see you! Wow, you look so amazing-- Donna, did you try something new with her makeup?"
"Every time I work on it," Donna explained. "Eventually you'll want to consider hormone replacement so her face is more feminine without the makeup."
"It's perfect as is, for the screen," the redhead said suddenly.
"Donna, Astra-- this is Melanie. She's managing today's lineup. You're up soon, so we kinda need to get you in costume and over to the stage." Callie looked me over and nodded.
"I think she looks fine as she is," Melanie said helpfully. "We want a normal teenage girl
look that's a little bit conservative, and I think the current outfit does it. Pin a mic to her and she's good to go."
"Are you sure?" Callie bit her lower lip and smoothed out my collar. She looks so...plain."
"Plain is exactly what we need to go for," Melanie said matter-of-factly as she took me by the hand and pulled me to her. "We need to get going-- she's on in ten."
"If you're sure..." Callie didn't sound sure, but she followed us all the same. I glanced back a few times to make sure Donna was still in tow and she shot back a look of encouragement each time. Melanie pulled me through the crowd and eventually into a side hallway, past several doors, and then, finally, into a small room filled with strange tables, all with mirrors attached to them and glowing panels. Many of them were occupied-- I could hear bits of conversation from other women around me-- but none of them were that interesting. She stopped me in front of one and grabbed a wooden hairbrush from the table. After a few sweeps through my hair, she pinned it in place with a purple clip, announcing that we were ready.
"The stage is right out there," she told me. "When the guest before you goes off, they're going to announce your name, and then you just walk out there."
"And then what?"
"You sit down," she said plainly. "The host will ask you questions, you answer. Her name is Cynthia, by the way, she's been hosting Good Morning Luna for the last fifteen years."
"You're going to do great, sweetie," Donna told me.
“This is going to take a minute,” Melanie said as she gestured to a posh seating area near the wall, a couch and three chairs situated around a low white table. “Myla, please offer our guests refreshments, and get it right this time.”
A girl appeared, maybe a few years older than me, dressed in the thin silvery dress that I had come to associate with the Desh. She smiled nervously, practically shaking, with a computer tablet in her hand.
“What can I get for you?”
“You can wear the right shoes, first of all.” Callie pointed to the girl’s feet. “That’s not even the right color.”
“I-I”m sorry,” the girl stammered. “I-I couldn’t find the right ones this morn--”
“Why do you even have other shoes?” Callie demanded of her. “You have your issue, you don’t need anything else.”
“I--” The girl started to speak but quickly came to a loss for words. I looked up, studying her face for a moment, and I wondered if I should feel sorry for her. Like me, she was part of a lower class, and according to Kerra, the class I would end up in should the courts decide I was fit to be a woman-- but her life was so much better than mine, even if she had to wear the same clothes, eat the same food, and act as a servant. I couldn’t help but think that maybe she should follow the rules.
“Please,” Donna looked to Callie. “Give the poor girl a break. She’s shaking like a leaf.”
“As opposed to?” Callie smirked a bit and then turned to me. “Don’t mind her, the Desh are… always problematic.”
“Can you get Astra a glass of Merzk, please?” Donna asked the girl with a smile. “And nothing for me, please.”
“I’ll get my own Merzk,” Callie laughed. “She can’t get her shoes right, she’ll probably poison us all.”
“Yes, Miss,” the Desh, Myla, blushed and walked briskly away, her silver dress swishing about her legs. Callie stood, straightened her skirt and immediately walked in the same direction, presumably to find her own beverage.
“Donna,” I said quietly. I felt her turn to look at me as I spoke. “Kerra said-- she said I would end up like that… a Desh… am- is that--”
“I’m not going to lie to you,” Donna told me, laying a hand on my shoulder. “That will probably happen, but I don’t want you to worry sweetie-- you’ll be taken care of. I have a place for you at my shop, I promise.”
“You- you do?” I looked up at her, not even sure what that meant.
“You’ll have travel restrictions like any other Desh, and you know, obviously-- I mean... Okay look, everything is going to be fine, understand? Stop freaking out.”
“Your drink, Miss Astra,” Myla, the Desh, said to me. I looked up and timidly took the glass of blue liquid from her, shakily smiling in return.
“Don’t spill that on your dress,” Donna lectured as I took a sip. She looked up, over my shoulder. “Callie, are we ready?”
“Nearly,” Callie said from behind. “They still have the last guest out on the stage.”
I watched Callie return with her own drink, undoubtedly one that she poured herself. She was this time accompanied by another woman, this one darker skinned with jet black hair and a velvety blue top. It matched her form fitting black pants like nothing else. I’d always loved the colors up here-- women were so much more defined than males, especially the colors. The blackest blacks, the deepest blues-- the clothes were something to envy.
“Astra,” Callie smiled as she sat next to me. “This is Therese Thorn, my very best friend. She’s been absolutely dying to meet you!”
“Hello, Astra,” the woman named Therese held a hand out to me-- I wasn’t sure what to do. She laughed and smiled softly at me. “It’s called a handshake. When someone offers you their hand you take it, let me show you.”
I felt a bit of a flutter within my stomach as she reached out and slipped her hand into mine. She squeezed firmly and gave it a shake.
“See? Oh Callie, she’s adorable. You weren’t kidding.”
“I rarely kid,” Callie grinned sheepishly in my direction. Somewhere far off, I could hear the murmuring of a crowd and the sound of distinct voices near the stage. “Donna, do you mind if Therese and I ‘borrow’ Astra this evening after the show? I haven’t spent much time getting to know her, quite honestly,” Callie said, looking slightly sheepish.
“Whatever you want,” Donna shrugged. “Just bring her back in one piece, would you?”
“Oh I just want to doll her up a little,” Callie grinned at me again. I melted internally as I always did when she smiled at me. It was a weird feeling when I looked at her; I felt something that I hadn’t felt when I looked at Kerra. Yeah, I still had that envy when I looked at the shape of her body and the way that her clothes hung so effortlessly to her frame but there was something more, something I didn’t understand.
“Maybe you could be a little more gentle than Kerra was?” Donna suggested. “She’s still covered in bruises.”
I saw Therese raise an eyebrow when she heard that. She looked toward me and nodded.
“We’ll be careful, Astra, I promise,” Therese reassured me. I looked nervously to Donna; I wasn't sure how I felt about spending a night away from her. She nodded encouragingly. “You’re going to have so much fun!”
I wasn’t convinced, but I really wanted to spend some time with Callie. I could do that for a night, right? Before I could really answer, I saw Melanie walking back toward us, pressing keys on her tablet and finally looking straight at us.
“Let’s head over there.” Melanie took the drink from my hands; I stood up and followed Callie, who seemed to have more spring in her step than usual.
As the four women walked me toward the edge of the stage, I could see Cynthia speaking to another person, sitting on what looked like a large U shaped couch. The woman she spoke to was a brunette in a blue dress with thin teal stripes shaped in a ‘v,’ from the setting all the way to the hem of the skirt. It was kind of adorable really-- a pair of brief sleeves to accompany a wide u-shaped neckline and a skirt that barely hung below her knees.
"So, the famous author Karissa Trent, right here on my stage for the… fourth time this month," I heard Cynthia say to her guest. "You've written an entire book, more than five hundred pages, on the futility of self-inserts in fiction. That's a lot-- can you give us a quick overview?"
"Oh man," Karissa said, laughing. "It should be obvious-- self-inserts are like, not only lame, they're never accurate. Like, okay look, I'm a complete weirdo in real life, if I wrote myself into one of my o
wn stories, would I portray myself accurately, or would I make myself look like the best thing since tarkoren cheese? No, it's better to stick to straight fiction, or you know, fictional stories based on real life. I was thinking about writing the story of that girl, Astra. I doubt it would sell well, so I'd probably post it online."
"Well that's an... interesting statement," Cynthia said, choosing her words carefully. "If you were to write Astra's story, how would you have it end?"
"Well, everyone here knows I'm not a fan of happy endings," Karissa said. "I've caught a lot of flack for it. But you know, in real life, I'd hope she got citizenship-- I'd hope that she gets everything she wants."
"We're about out of time here," Cynthia glanced up at a large overhead timekeeping device, a digital panel out of sight of the audience. "Ladies, next we're talking to the girl herself, Astra, and it's going to be quite a treat."
"Well, I appreciate you having me!" Karissa smiled as she stood and shook Cynthia's hand. "And remember everyone, I'm handing out free copies of my book in the lobby, autographs cost!"
