Shadow of the Factorum: The Interview

by K. A. Trent

“Every fifteen minutes!” She reiterated. “Unless you want to try out the Desh life yourself?”

  The room was empty for a few minutes, maybe half an hour but the door remained open as a nurse would peek in occasionally make sure I hadn’t done anything stupid. Finally, a brunette entered the room, draped in the familiar silvery gray dress of the Desh. She glided effortlessly across the floor and stopped at the bedside to straighten my blanket.

  “Hello Astra,” she smiled down at me, I relaxed a little. “My name is Remy, I’m here to help, okay?”

  “Remy…” I let the words roll off my tongue and then tensed immediately. “No, no, I can’t trust you, leave. Please leave.”

  “Astra I can’t leave, and I want you to understand that if you try to leave the bed, I will restrain you. I’m here because they don’t want to use physical restraints, understand? If I have to leave, then you’ll be alone in here. Do you want to be alone?”

  “I- no,” I shook my head and looked up at her. She smiled softly and placed a hand against my cheek.

  “You’re cold. Do you want me to turn the heat up in here?”

  I really didn’t know what to say. She manipulated a few controls on the wall near the head of my bed; I felt the room become a little warmer and it was only then that I realized I was cold. In the next instant I reached toward my face, only to be stopped by Remy’s hand around my wrist.

  “What are you doing?” she asked me. There was a firmness in her voice that was not to be reckoned with.

  “I have to scratch my nose,” I said pathetically. She placed my hand back at my side and reached beside the bed to reveal a white cloth. With a single stroke she wiped the itch away and disposed of the cloth.

  “Let’s keep our hands at our sides,” she said it firmly enough that I resigned myself to doing exactly as she said. I didn’t have a desire to reposition my hands.

  I watched her for a while, she was relentless as she circled the bed and kept an eye on me. It was funny really, after everything that I had just survived, I was shocked that she could even intimidate me. Finally, she took a seat beside the bed and crossed her hands over her lap. I watched carefully, and paid close attention to the way she sat, the way the skirt hung around her legs, the tightness of the dress around her shoulders. She was Desh but she was gorgeous. I wanted to be like her, but what was I saying? I wanted to be like every woman I came across. I would never live up to these women, I would always be this, I would always look like this. The hopelessness cut into me like a razor-sharp knife, piercing my skin and bursting my heart. Somewhere inside, the ‘me’ that I’d always wanted to be looked at my reflection in the mirror and laughed every time I thought I’d made any progress. The appearance of Remy, the Desh, reminded me that my dreams and aspirations were built on a lie.

  “You look sad,” Remy looked down at me, I stared up at her. She was kind, firm but kind. Not like Kerra.

  “I’m not good enough,” I whispered. “I’m not like you, or...like them. I’m just not enough.”

  “Who told you that?”

  “I just...I feel…”

  “Astra, none of us feel like we’re good enough,” Remy laid her soft hand across mine. I wanted to look at her but the shame was creeping along through my conscious mind; it was affecting everything I did and everything I thought. It was too much to bear. Her hand pressed against my cheek, turning my head toward hers until I met her eyes. A sob escaped my lips, my body shuddered; this was embarrassing, I was vulnerable in front of her the way I had been with Donna so many times and I wasn’t sure I liked it. There was something freeing in letting go and allowing the emotions to flow but I felt raw, exposed.

  “But I’m not good enough,” I said it quietly, with finality. “I’m-“

  “I’m a Desh, I’m a Desh because I got bad marks in school, I’m a Desh because this is what Ereen says I’m good enough to be. But Astra, I am good enough and so are you. I’ve watched you, everyone’s watched you. You did what you were told; you became whatever you were asked. You want this, Astra, you are this. Anyone who tells you otherwise is-“

  Before she could finish, the door to the doom slid open and Kerra barged though, still in her uniform.

  “Get out,” she snapped at Remy, the Desh. Remy did a half curtsey before exiting the room. I watched her leave, almost forgetting that Kerra was here until she slammed the door shut, nearly jolting me out of the bed. “We’re going to talk now.”

  “About what?” a few months ago I wouldn’t have dared to ask, but now things seemed different. I watched in silence as she pressed a control beside the door and the transparent windows turned opaque, the outside world lost to us for the moment. She turned back to me, glaring at me.

  “After you activated your bracelet and got it out of that lead room, I was able to track you and it didn’t take long for us to get there. We found Therese a few blocks away, she had the Black Swan pin on her lapel.”

  “Aren’t you going to ask me why I ran off?” I asked her as she reached a pause in the dialogue.

  “I need you to confirm to me that-”

  “Kerra,” the door to the room opened once again, this time it was Callie standing at the threshold. “Let me talk to her.”

  Kerra looked back at me and then looked to Callie before setting her jaw and storming out of the room. What was going on? I looked to Callie who smiled at me softly like Remy. She walked toward me and leaned in, giving my hand a squeeze. It made me feel so much better.

  “You okay, hon?”

  “I guess,” I stared at the blank screen affixed to the wall at the end of the bed. Was Callie really my friend? Was she going to turn on me the way Therese had? I didn’t want to look at her and I think she noticed.

  “Why water?” she asked suddenly. I looked over to her, she’d taken up a position next to the bed, hands on the rails, looking down at me with warm eyes. “Donna told us you had an episode in the shower, and then when it rained, you ran off. Why does water scare you?”

  I hadn’t thought about it, not really. Did water scare me? Maybe it did.

  “They tortured us with water,” I said without turning to look at her. She was silent, allowing the information to process.

  “Maybe we should keep that to ourselves,” she concluded silently. “People might ask you a lot of questions and we still need to be careful about letting on. You know, about what really happens in the Factorum. Yes, it’s awful but that part of your life is over, Astra. You’re safe now.”

  “I know,” I kept my answers short. I just didn’t have the will to say much. It was weird, wasn’t it? There was a time when I would have given anything to talk to her and now she was right beside me, and I had nothing to say.

  “We have something else to talk about, Astra,” I heard her sliding a chair across the floor taking a seat beside the bed. Her finger was suddenly on my cheek, stroking softly. “I need you to look at me Astra.”

  I tried to keep my attention on the screen but the tapping of her finger was too much, I finally turned just to get her to stop and nearly cracked a smile. She grinned at me and grabbed my hand in hers. I felt better all of a sudden.

  “Callie, what happened to Brea and Layla?”

  “Well, Brea will be back running the Nocht as always by tomorrow,” Callie reassured me.

  “So you knew?”

  “It’s hard to miss, Astra,” Callie squeezed my hand and then began to slowly stroke the top of my hand. “As for Layla...actions have consequences, Astra. We’re going to leave it at that. I need to talk to you about Therese.”

  “Therese?”

  “Yes, Astra. You know, sometimes good people do really bad things and Therese is a good person. She is. You know she is, remember how we were all together at my house? We had a lot of fun, didn’t we?”

  “Yeah we did,” I nodded. “I liked her a lot.”

  “Yeah,” she smiled again and brushed a strand of hair away from my eyes. “You know, Astra, she made a mistake and if she’s found gu
ilty, she’s going to spend the rest of her life in prison. We take terrorism very seriously here but she’s not really a terrorist, is she?”

  “I guess not,” I shook my head. I wasn’t convinced but if Callie was saying it…

  “Don’t you think that maybe Therese will be better off if her friends can help her? I can help her, you can help her. We can show her why she was wrong and then everything can go back to the way it was, right? Astra you’re a woman of Ereen and most importantly, of Luna. I think you can do the gracious thing and forgive, right?”

  I thought about it; she wasn’t wrong, Therese was so nice to me before, maybe she just made a mistake after all.

  “Okay listen,” I stared into her eyes, taking in every word she had to say. “Kerra will ask you some questions. Questions about Therese. All I need you to do is say she wasn’t involved. Say you saw someone else, okay? Then Therese can come home to us and we can help her.”

  “I can do that,” I nodded. “I’ll do it.”

  “Are you sure? Do you understand?”

  “Yes,” I smiled. “I’ll do it for you, Callie.”

  I suddenly felt better, a lot better. I couldn’t believe I’d even thought Callie could be an enemy. After all she did for me? Really? Maybe I was wrong about everyone, but who was I right about? Who could I even trust?

  “I appreciate you, Astra,” she patted my hand and began to stand up. “I have to go talk to the media, they want to know what happened to you and honestly, you’re too exhausted to do it yourself.”

  “Wait what are you going to tell them?” I tried to prop myself up, tried to bring myself to eye level with her, but I was weak, the pain in my stomach overtook me. She laid her hands on my chest and shushed me.

  “I’m going to tell them the truth,” She leaned in and pressed her lips against my forehead. I melted. “I’m going to tell them you’d never been out in the rain before, it scared you, and you took off. We can probably leave out the part about the Black Swan, it’s not important.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay,” She patted my arm and moved away from the bed. “I’ll see you soon, Astra. I’m glad you’re okay.”

  She left and Remy, the Desh returned. She sat wordlessly by my bed and watched over me. I looked at her every once in a while, she returned the stare. I still found it so strange that I was able to look at a woman without consequences, even a Desh.

  “You should sleep,” Remy said to me finally. “You have a big day tomorrow.”

  “I do?”

  “They’re going to let you do some walking, gotta get you out of the bed so you can go home.”

  “...home?” I was confused. Could I go back to Donna’s?

  I didn’t get much of an answer; I drifted of to sleep, my dreams revolving around a kitchen, a living room, an enclosed backyard. Donna, Carrie, Ashley, all of us together. It was funny how my dreams had drifted so far away from Callie. When I’d first come out of the Factorum I would have done anything to live with her but now what I wanted more than anything was a family. I wanted Donna to hug me, I wanted to argue with Ashley and Carrie, laugh with them, watch movies with them, talk about school with them. I wanted to be a daughter, a sister. I wanted so many things that I felt were out of my reach. Even if I passed the high court, even if they declared me a woman, could I really have those things? Even when it was right in front of me I felt like there was something stopping me. Something keeping me just out of reach of the happiness I was yearning for. It was like I was behind a glass, staring at them, watching them act as a family and knowing I could never be a part of it. I wished so much that I could love Donna the way she loved me. I wished I could love at all.

  The dream faded away and as always, they were torn from me. I was left empty on the hospital bed as the sum streamed through the rectangular window. I felt this sense of emptiness, I would be alone here, just me and the Desh. My mouth was dry, my hair was soaked with sweat; I could feel it on the pillow. Finally, I looked to my left expecting to see Remy, the Desh, but it was Donna. She was awake and smiling at me. My heart leapt, I tried to rise up again, but my stomach muscles screamed out in pain. She instead rose quickly and darted to the bedside, embracing me in a partial hug.

  “Hey Astra,” She said. Her voice sounded so sweet after all this time. “Are you okay sweetie? We were so worried about you!”

  I hugged her back as best I could, though my arms were lead and my back would barely budge. I’d done a lot of damage to myself during my little adventure and it made me realize one thing: I wasn’t invincible.

  I was finally able to say it, the words that I’d been keeping in my heart since I’d been taken by the Black Swan. I had to say them. Would I get another chance?

  “I’m...I’m sorry Donna. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to run away. I hope you don’t hate me.”

  Donna pulled away from me and stared at me in what could almost be described as shock.

  “Astra no, of course I don’t hate you!” she shook her head and practically grabbed my shoulders. “Remember when you had that episode in the shower? I should have been more prepared. As soon as it started raining and you ran, I knew what had happened. It’s what I told Kerra, it’s what she told the Proctorum. Everyone knows what happened, we just wanted to make sure you were safe. Kerra told me everything.”

  “E- everything?”

  “Everything. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I don’t know,” I shook my head. “It’s all just...I can’t believe it happened.”

  “They’re recommending therapy for you. I think it’s a good idea. It’s just a matter of finding the right therapist. So Astra, they’re going to get you out of the bed today, are you ready to do some walking?”

  Chapter 27

  It was a matter of a few days before I was able to fully walk again; the wound on my leg had closed, and my stomach was apparently an easy matter. It was then that I realized Luna’s most advanced medicine was light years ahead of anything in the Factorum and certainly anything that was to be found in the Nocht. My thoughts wandered to Brea and the Nocht once again as Donna’s car sped down the road toward her apartment. I was wearing a bright pink dress with a fabric flower sewn on the neckline; Donna had thought it would be appropriately ‘cute’ as I walked through the front entrance surrounded by reporters. I’d been surrounded by security guards, and I’d waved to them just as she’d told me to. The scenery flew by outside the window, I left my head lain against the seat; I occasionally stole glances at her from the corner of my eye. I wondered if she noticed. I hoped not.

  “Ashley and Carrie have been worried sick about you,” Donna told me. “They’re at school right now, but they’re dying to see you. We’re going to get the house cleaned up for them.”

  We?

  “That’s right,” Donna laughed as if she’d heard my thoughts. “It’s about time you started contributing to the household. No more sitting around!”

  “That sounds good,” I meant it. She pulled into the parking structure; I noticed a black car stopping across the street, remaining stationary as the door closed behind us. Donna’s car was subsequently lifted and we rode in silence until we reached her space just outside the door. I followed her inside and gasped audibly; the kitchen sink was filled with dishes, the living room was a mess. What had happened here?

  “A lot of things were sort of forgotten while you were gone,” Donna explained. “I was busy helping Kerra find you, the girls, well they didn’t feel much like cleaning.”

  “Helping her...find me?”

  “Yes, Astra. I know more about you than she does, we looked everywhere. When you turned your bracelet on she was more than ready to go. I’m glad you thought to do that.”

  “Me too,” I wanted to tell her how difficult that had been but the last thing I wanted to do was talk about myself.

  “Okay, I want you to go change and then we’re going to get this place cleaned up.”

  I walked cautiously down the hall to my
room, I still felt like I didn’t belong here even though Donna had told me over and over that this was my home. Inside my room I found that an outfit was already laid out on the bed. A dress, of course. She still wasn’t letting me wear pants. I wondered if I ever would again. As it had been explained to me, dresses were considered more feminine; Donna had told me that they were a symbol left over from the old days that just sort of stuck. The Desh, for example, always wore dresses, as did many of the other lower classes. High femininity was a crucial part of our society and as a lower-class member I would always be expected to present myself in the most feminine manner possible. Ultimately, I loved it.

  I ran my hand over the dress, feeling the material. It was cotton, blue, very utilitarian. She definitely intended for us to work today. I slipped off my pink dress, dropping it into the dirty clothes bin, and then pulled the blue dress over my head. It clung to my body in a way I didn’t particularly like. I surveyed myself in the mirror and realized how much I hated the shape of my body; it wasn’t like Carrie’s or Ashley’s, it was too straight, not enough curves. Ashley’s body was curved at the waist, mine was just a straight drop. I sighed and wondered if I would ever look like them. Maybe this was why so many people hated me; I looked like a monster.

  “Astra are you coming out?” Donna shouted from down the hall. I sighed and stepped away from the mirror. I found Donna in the front room folding a blanket. “There you are. I need to show you some things in the kitchen.”

  I followed her, watching her stop at the counter and open one of the overhead cabinets.

  “Okay, see what I’ve done here?” She pointed to a set of plastic cups and plates. “I know you girls get hungry so if you want to make your own food, you have to use your own plates and cups, see how there are different colors? Ashley gets pink, Carrie gets yellow, and you get teal. You each have three plates, gotta wash your own before you can have snacks, and no using other people’s stuff.”

  I heard what she said but it was taking me a moment to comprehend it. I simply stared at her, my mind racing. It was simple, it was stupid, but she’d done this for me? She’d included me in this simple household thing. I couldn’t help it, I raced across the kitchen and embraced her, I buried my head in her chest, I cried.