by Kat Mizera
We’d been bad for each other, that was the only way to describe it. The sex had been hot, but in retrospect, nothing like what I had with Margot, and we’d had fun together, but the intimacy had been limited. Jen wasn’t capable of deep emotions. Whether it was because she drank too much or some childhood trauma she’d never told me about, I didn’t know, but our most romantic, private moments had been somewhat superficial. Even telling her I loved her had felt a little hollow. And maybe that was why I’d waited so long before saying it to Margot. I’d wanted it to be special, to be perfect, so that she would understand the depth of my feelings for her.
Instead, I’d fucked it up in so many ways, even though that had never been my intention.
Twenty-four hours, I told myself firmly. Twenty-four more hours until I could fix things. At least, that was the goal. Margot had a way of throwing me for a loop, though, so I never knew what to expect.
We got off the plane in Vegas early in the evening the following day. It had been a long four days that included two transatlantic flights, and luckily we had tomorrow off, but the only thing on my mind was seeing my girls. I hadn’t heard from Margot, and Everly had avoided me on the trip, so I figured Margot was still mad, but I was going to tell her about the ring tonight. Surprise be damned, I needed my girl back.
I’d stopped on the way home and picked up a dozen pink roses, hoping to butter her up a little. I debated stopping at Ian’s to get the ring, but this wasn’t how I wanted to propose, and honestly, I didn’t want to take the time. I just wanted to see her and tell her how I felt—in detail. If she pushed it, I’d tell her about the damn ring and anything else she wanted to know.
I unlocked the front door and knew right away something was different. I put my suitcase down and looked around in frustration. The tree was dark and all of the ornaments were gone. There were no stockings over the gas fireplace and every sign of Christmas was gone, other than the sad, bare tree.
I went into Gracie’s room, and as I’d suspected, it was back to being a guest room. Everything of Gracie’s was gone except the dollhouse, which was up against the wall.
“Sonofabitch!” I let out a string of curses as I went into the master bedroom and discovered all of Margot’s things gone as well. I shouldn’t have been surprised but it hurt. Even more than when she’d told me I wasn’t ready to be Gracie’s dad.
I was reaching for my phone when I saw the envelope. It was on my pillow and I picked it up slowly, somehow knowing this was going to hurt the most of all. I took out the paper and recognized her swirly handwriting. I braced myself as I started to read. It was short and to the point, not saying enough but saying far too much.
She’d moved out. She didn’t think this was going to work out between us. She was sorry it had to end this way. Then she mentioned we still had to talk.
Duh.
We absolutely did. Because I wasn’t letting them go without a fight.
37
Margot
Moving out of Tore’s apartment had been one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. I just didn’t know what else to do. Staying there and waiting for him to come back just to break up with me would be even worse. This way, I took care of everything without having to look at him while I did it. There had been endless questions from Gracie, until I was ready to pull my hair out, but none of this was her fault so I couldn’t take it out on her. She didn’t want to leave, and frankly, neither did I.
I’d had time to come up with a plan, though. If Tore didn’t want to be with me, we could work out visitation and child support, but I was in a much better financial situation now that I worked for Renee. Once the new baby was born, maybe I’d get a second job for a while, so I could save up for an apartment of our own, and at that point I might have to get a job somewhere that provided health insurance even though I loved working for Renee.
I’d made lists and made a bunch of phone calls to see just how much it would cost me to have a baby without insurance. I was fairly certain Tore would at least help with the bills, but I didn’t know for sure, so I had to be prepared for anything. I was twelve weeks along now, which left me approximately twenty-eight weeks to get my shit together.
Just thinking about going through labor again, having a newborn again, and everything that went with being a single mom made me cry on a daily basis, but I was tougher than this. There might be more tears after Tore and I talked, but I’d never been able to count on anyone other than myself and Everly, so I was trying to be strong. I really didn’t have any choice.
Ian and Everly both looked shocked when they came in and found Gracie and me on the couch watching a movie. She’d just dozed off and I put a finger to my lips as I started to get up.
“I’ve got her,” Ian said, gently lifting her and carrying her upstairs for me.
“Margot, what have you done?” Everly asked softly.
“He has to want me to stay because of me,” I whispered. “Not the baby. You didn’t tell him, did you? Swear to me, Evie.”
“Of course not. I didn’t even tell Ian, and I have to tell you, I really hate keeping secrets from my husband.”
“I’m sorry. I promise, this is the one and only time I’ll put you in this position.”
“It’s okay, but honey, you just moved out without talking?”
“We didn’t leave things in a good place and I needed to be able to make a clean break if, you know, he doesn’t want to work things out.”
“You’re really dumb sometimes, you know that?” she asked, glancing up as Ian came down the stairs.
“She asked where Daddy was,” he muttered, giving me a dirty look.
“What did you tell her?”
“That he was on his way home. What else could I say?”
I nodded wearily. “I know. Thanks. Hopefully, Tore and I will talk soon and we’ll figure out what to tell her.”
“Oh, I think you’re going to talk sooner rather than later,” he said. “But I’m beat, so I’m going to bed.” He turned to Everly. “You coming, love?”
“I’ll be up in a minute.” She smiled at him.
“All right.” He leaned over to brush his lips across her cheek before going back upstairs.
“You all right?” Everly asked me.
“I’m getting there.”
“You know Tore isn’t Greg, right? That he’s going to step up to the plate.”
“But that’s about the baby. The rest is about us. I can’t be with him if the only reason he wants me is the baby.”
“He already wanted you.”
“Until I caught him spending money on shit he wasn’t supposed to be spending it on.”
“And that’s enough to end the relationship? Don’t be such a drama queen, Margot. Seriously. He’s crazy about you and I know you love him. You two have been so good for each other. He brings you out of your carefully constructed, boring little shell and you rein him in, giving him focus. The two of you are the yin to each other’s yang, and you need to knock this nonsense off. His spending habits have nothing to do with his ability to be the man you love—because you already do.”
I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. In some ways, she was right, but nothing was ever that simple. Especially not for me.
“I’m going to bed because I’ve been on a plane for what feels like a week, but we’re going to talk about this more tomorrow. Okay? Try to rest—you’re incubating a new little life.”
I nodded. “Thanks. Good night.”
I sat down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling.
I didn’t hear from Tore the next morning and at noon, I took Gracie to have a playdate with J.J. I was tired and sad and confused, so it would be better to let her have a little fun since I was in no mood for anything. Renee was taking the day off to recuperate from the trip to Europe, so I had nothing to do and no one to do it with. Everly was around but Ian had the day off as well, and they didn’t have many of those together during hockey season, which
left me on my own.
I dropped Gracie off and made small talk for a few minutes before getting back in my car. I drove around for a while, just staring at the festive buildings still decorated for the holidays and watching people moving about their lives. I was in kind of a twilight zone, lost in my own thoughts, trying to mentally gear up for what was to come.
I stopped to get something to eat because I was getting a little nauseated, when I saw a text from Everly.
EVERLY: Tore is here. He’s been waiting for almost an hour. Where are you?!
MARGOT: I went for a drive to clear my head. I’m on my way.
I drove home and pulled into the driveway in confusion. Tore’s Ferrari was nowhere to be found but there was a Dodge Durango I’d never seen before parked out front and I wondered who was visiting and why Tore had left.
I grabbed my purse and went inside through the garage, going through the door that led to the kitchen. Tore, Ian and Everly were at the table eating and our eyes met as he looked up.
“Hi.” My voice sounded funny. I wasn’t even sure if I’d said it aloud or not, but he swallowed and stood up.
“Hi.”
“We’re going to eat in the living room,” Everly said, getting up and grabbing Ian’s hand. He barely had time to grab his burger before she tugged him out of the room, leaving Tore and me just staring at each other.
“I missed you,” he said softly.
“I missed you too.”
“You want to sit?” he asked after neither of us moved.
“Um, sure.” I sat in the seat Everly had vacated and he sat across from me. “Finish your sandwich,” I told him. “We can talk while you eat.”
“Kinda awkward,” he said, “and anyway, I’m not hungry anymore.” He reached for my hands. “I have a couple of things I need to say, okay? Let me finish before you say anything, so I can explain things that have been hard for me to put into words.”
“O-okay.” I was numb as I waited for him to officially dump me.
“The thing that started this whole mess between us was that charge to my credit card. You’re right in that we agreed not to make any big purchases without discussing them, but this one was special. It was for you and it was a surprise. I should have said that as soon as you saw it, but you caught me off guard and then I went on the defensive, like why shouldn’t I spend my own money? It was dumb, I know that now, but you weren’t supposed to see the charge until after I showed you the surprise…” He shook his head. “Then I figured we’d talk about it and if you wanted to cancel our trip to Hawaii during the All-Star break, or whatever, it would be a worthwhile compromise.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I thought—”
“Just let me finish, okay?” He squeezed my hands harder and I nodded, feeling incredibly stupid. “Even though we were fighting, I figured I’d go ahead with my surprise in Limaj, but you cancelled the trip and I was so frustrated, it kind of made me mad. Anyway, that’s how we got to where we are, but what it boils down to is that I’ve been struggling to tell you how I feel about you. Not because I have any doubts, but because it’s so good, so strong, I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment, perfect timing, and the perfect atmosphere. I don’t know why, but it felt important. And it occurred to me, in the midst of all the bullshit this past week, with my spending habits and all that, you weren’t ready to trust me because it didn’t seem like I was completely invested.” He paused, dropping to his knees on the floor in front of me and pressing himself between my legs as he looked up at me. “But I am. I’ve fallen in love with you, Margot, and I need you to know that before we go any further in this conversation.”
Tears blurred my eyes and I leaned down to wrap my arms around him. I buried the side of my face in his hair, letting tears slide down my cheeks.
“Don’t cry. Hey, come on.” He pulled away and forced me to look at him as he wiped my tears with his fingers.
“I’m sorry,” I said, resting against him. “It’s been a very emotional week and I thought… Well, I guess I thought you didn’t.”
“Love you?” He smiled. “That’s so dumb. Of course I do. I should have said the words a long time ago, but I guess in my head, I thought you knew and I’d save all that romantic stuff for some perfect moment. Which was also dumb.”
“And I kept thinking I shouldn’t say it first, like I’m not a modern woman and waiting for you to say it was dumb. But I couldn’t work up the nerve.”
“Well, now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk about other stuff.”
“I have to tell you something, though,” I whispered.
“I have lots to tell you too, so let’s do one thing at a time. First, did you notice the cool SUV outside?”
“The Durango? Yeah. Is it a rental? Did something happen to the Ferrari?”
He smiled. “I traded it in this morning.”
“What?” I stared at him in shock. “But you love your car.”
“Not as much as I love you, and I realized in order for us to really start our life together, we needed me to get out of debt. I got enough for the Ferrari to buy the Durango outright and pay off my credit card.”
“Tore.” I reached for his face. “You didn’t have to sell your car.”
“Yeah, I did. I need a place to put a car seat for Gracie, and honestly, it costs a fortune every time I need an oil change. It’s too much. Someday, when I’m making like five mil a year, I can get another one, okay?”
I chuckled, though I was still sniffling. “Yeah, okay.”
“So we are officially debt-free and can start saving for a house. What do you think?”
I took a deep breath and looked into his handsome face. He loved me. He wasn’t going to dump me. He’d sold his Ferrari to pay off his credit cards because he knew how important it was to our future. And yet, I’d been keeping a huge secret from him.
“Are you afraid to tell me something?” he asked in surprise, carefully watching my face.
I nodded, tears blurring my vision again.
“Jesus, baby, what could be so bad?” He squinted. “Did you cheat on me while we’ve been apart? I mean, it would hurt, but I’d understand because I left things in a pretty shitty way and—”
“Oh my god, no!” I almost laughed through my tears, shaking my head. “God, no. It would take a lot more than a fight for me to even look at another man, much less actually have an affair.”
“Then what is it?” He pulled me close again. “Just say it. Whatever it is, we’ll work it out together.”
“We’re having a baby.”
38
Tore
A lot of shit went through my mind as her words sunk in.
She was having a baby.
She was pregnant.
I was going to be a dad again before I even had a chance to figure it out with the first kid.
Holy shit, we were having a baby.
My baby.
“You’re… I mean, you’re sure?” I was a little shell-shocked.
“I’m eleven weeks.”
“Eleven…” I stared. “That’s, like, the first trimester or something, isn’t it?”
“Two more weeks and we’ll be through the first trimester, yes.”
“How long have you known?”
“About a month.” She dipped her head, as if embarrassed.
“Honey, why didn’t you tell me?” I paused. “You thought I was going to leave you, didn’t you?”
She bit her lip. “I knew you wouldn’t leave the baby, but you said it over and over, how you definitely didn’t want another baby yet.”
“No, I didn’t, but there is one. And it’s mine. Ours. I mean, you’re having my baby.” I put my hand on the tiny swell of her stomach, which didn’t appear any bigger.
“I don’t know how it happened,” she whispered. “I don’t remember a time you didn’t wear a condom.”
“I don’t either,” I said quietly. “We probably broke one since we get pretty wild sometimes.”
“Up until Christmas, you were perfectly fine, just a little tired… Are you okay? Is the baby okay?”
“We’re both fine. I haven’t had any morning sickness and I feel great other than the being tired thing. The doctor said some women are lucky this way. I think it must be a boy because I was sick as a dog with Gracie.”
“Wow.” I slowly stood up and helped her up too. Then I hauled her against my chest and hugged her tightly. “Babe, this is amazing.”
“You’re not mad?” Her voice was muffled against my hoodie but I just held her tighter.
“God, no. Birth control was my responsibility and something went wrong. That’s no one’s fault and there’s nothing to be mad about. Not to mention, I’m in love with you and want to have babies together. You’re not gonna cry again, are you?”
“M-maybe…” She proceeded to burst into tears and buried her face deeper in my hoodie, holding on to me like a lifeline.
I didn’t know a lot about pregnant women, but I read books and watched enough TV to know they got emotional and hormonal and all sorts of other things, so I was just going to hold on tight and let her ride it out. Whatever she needed, I was there for it. This was unexpected, definitely not in my plans, but I wasn’t the kind of guy to cut and run when things got rough. I was in this for the long haul, no matter how scary it was.
I stroked her hair and held her until she started to calm down and then I scooped her up and carried her into the living room. Ian and Everly had made themselves scarce, so I sank down on the couch with her in my lap. She sniffled for a while longer and finally looked around, reaching for the box of tissues on the end table. After she wiped her face and blew her nose, she met my gaze.
“Sorry. I’ve cried a lot the last two weeks.”
“It’s okay.” I smiled, trailing my fingers along the curve of her jaw. “So when is it due?”
“The twenty-third of July.”
