What You Don't Know (True Hearts Book 6)

by Jaxson Kidman

  WILLOW

  “Everything in your mind and heart is fucking fantasy, Willow. You can’t fix your mother. Or your sister. You’re not Max’s damn mother either. But if you want to live that way, that’s all you.”

  I let out a deep breath as I started my car.

  I was leaving Carolyn’s house and going home for the day. And by home, that was my apartment. I needed a night to sit, relax, maybe take a hot bath, have a drink, and try to actually get a good night of sleep.

  Carolyn was ninety-five years old and sometimes had the spunk of a twenty-year-old woman. Other times, she showed everything her age had to offer.

  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do after I got settled back in town, but this just felt right. Maybe it was wrong to go right back to what I knew, but it’s what I loved to do. Caring for people who were in need. I shook off the guilt of what happened with Helen and enjoyed taking care of Carolyn. It was myself and two other nurses who shared the duties. Carolyn lived alone, and her kids were scattered across the country. She was alone and would be alone until she took her last breath. That crushed me to imagine, but it was the reality. All I could do was show up, do my job, hope it was a day when Carolyn had lots of youthful energy, and everyone would smile.

  It was strange how Travis’s words attacked my mind as I left that day.

  There wasn’t a day that went by where I totally questioned everything. Which was expected. Time would allow everything to pass and settle. I had taken enough time away from my job. And I traveled. With Travis. But whatever. I got out. I saw things. I did things. Now it was time to do the reality thing.

  My reality was simple.

  I had a nice apartment and a job I enjoyed.

  My mother was a pain, but her heart was made from gold.

  My sister was a flake, but she did mean well.

  And Max adored me.

  There wasn’t much more I could ask for… having a family…

  I almost broke down crying.

  This was sometimes normal for my ride home. Trying to convince myself that things were okay or were going to be okay. Then maybe I’d cry. Or I’d find something on the radio to sing with. Or something sad would come on the radio and destroy me.

  I didn’t bother touching the radio on the way home.

  I just focused on the ride, dreaming of a hot bath and a cold beer. I couldn’t do the wine thing, so I was the classy woman with her toes sticking up out of the bath water… not colored some fancy color. Holding a bottle of beer. Definitely not flipping through some girly, gossip magazine. Sometimes I felt so different and sometimes that was totally okay with me.

  When I saw the pickup truck, I did a quick double take. For a second I thought it was Travis’s truck. It had that same roughed up look to it.

  But there’s no way…

  I got out of my car and walked into the building. I really didn’t like being alone, so I took mild comfort in knowing that I wasn’t truly alone. I wasn’t close with any of the neighbors or anything, but I wasn’t completely alone.

  I opened the door on the second-floor landing and looked right at my apartment door.

  Travis was standing there.

  Not with flowers in his hand like a normal romantic gesture.

  Instead, he stood there with a bottle of whiskey.

  My gut told me to shut the door and run back down the stairs and leave. Go to Wren’s place. Go to my mother’s place. Go and hide at the diner with Cassie. To just hide. Somewhere. Anywhere.

  “I, uh, picked this up on my drive up here,” Travis said so calm and cool as he lifted the bottle of whiskey. “It had your name written all over it, bunny.”

  Bunny?

  It pissed me off so badly to hear that. Yet at the same time, it was a relief. I had spent so many hours trying to envision Travis calling me bunny again.

  I stepped forward, letting the door swing shut behind me. I blinked a few extra times to make sure I wasn’t imagining that this was happening.

  I wasn’t.

  Travis really stood there.

  The bottle of whiskey in one hand. His hoodie in his other hand. That left him standing there in a black t-shirt with a picture of a faded surfboard on the front. He filled out the shirt in an unfair way. His arms flowing from the stretched short sleeves. His perfect muscles, the ones he used to love me, pleasure me, the ones he used to just hold me at night while I fell asleep, feeling so safe and comfortable.

  “There are only two ways this can go right now, Willow,” Travis said. “Either we drink this bottle together and talk… or you drink it alone while I drive back home for good.”

  I slowly shook my head. “There’s a third way.”

  “Oh?”

  “You take the bottle yourself,” I said. “And you disappear. And I never see you again. I never talk to you again. And I slowly start to forget about you for good.”

  Travis’s lip curled. Hurt. Anger.

  “Right,” he said. “Third option. How could I have missed that one?”

  I moved toward my front door. My front door. My apartment.

  “If you don’t mind, I’ve had a long day at work,” I said.

  “Work, huh? That’s a good thing. You finally pushed forward.”

  I reached forward with my key and Travis touched my arm.

  I pulled away and turned to face him. “No. It doesn’t work like this. You’re not supposed to be here, Travis. You hate it here. This was my chance to get away from you. To hide.”

  “I thought you were taking care of your family.”

  “That too,” I yelled. “But you don’t get to do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Just show up. You’re supposed to hate it here. You’re supposed to be afraid to be here.” I made a fist and hit his chest. “So, what are you doing here?”

  “I took our trip again.”

  “What?”

  “Our road trip. Well, I did it in reverse.”

  “How did…”

  “I knew all the spots,” Travis said. “Anytime we stopped, I marked it down. I had this idea that maybe someday we’d do it again. You know, after we were in love, together, maybe even married.”

  Married?

  My heart started to flutter in a way that was too dangerous.

  “Are you serious?” I asked.

  “Yeah. So, I did the entire thing in reverse. I sat at the same spot in the bar and stared at the stage where I played guitar to get us that bottle of whiskey. I got the exact same room we stayed in. I sat on the floor…” Travis rubbed his jaw. “Fuck that. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I hate this place. I hate everything that happened. But the second you opened that door and I looked into your eyes, I didn’t care about it. You take that away. You make it all fade because you are the everything I’ve been hiding from and waiting for. The sun, the waves, the beach, the booze, the drums, the music, the life… all of that… they’re just pieces. Cuts of some kind of cheap bandage I tried to put on my chest, hoping it would get to my heart and help me. But you, Willow, you’re the only one who can get to my heart.”

  And then I was the one left with a decision to make. I could slap Travis across the face and tell him to leave. I could take the bottle of whiskey, drink it and cry. Or I could unlock the door and let him inside.

  Everything he said was true. What he did for me.

  I sighed and turned, putting my key into the door.

  I unlocked the apartment and started to open the door.

  Travis moved quickly, throwing his hoodie over his shoulder and putting his hand to mine, keeping me from opening the door all the way.

  “Willow.”

  “What?”

  “I fucking hate being alone,” Travis said. “I couldn’t stand it. From the second you left. Sitting around that apartment. Being on the beach. Smoking until my lungs hurt. Drinking until my brain didn’t want to work anymore. It doesn’t work. Maybe it never really did. So, I started to drive. Going to each place we were. T
rying to find a way to either forget about you or work my way back to you and say that one thing that would fix everything.”

  “Did you figure that part out?” I asked.

  “No,” he said. “There isn’t just one thing I want to say to you. I want to say everything to you. I want to spend the rest of my life talking to you. Making you laugh. Pissing you off. Doing everything I can to be the luckiest man in the world, where you come home at the end of the night to me. And I hold you. And I love you. I just hate being alone.”

  I reached up and gently touched Travis’s face. “So do I…”

  “So, tell me about the new job,” Travis said as he sat across from me at my kitchen table.

  I was huddled up on the chair, hugging my knees.

  He sat super cool and relaxed, trying to play it all off.

  “Do you really love me?” I asked, skipping the boring small talk.

  “You know I do, Willow.”

  “Then what happened?”

  Travis looked down for a second. “I never had a sense of home in my life. Okay? I just had places. What I’ve been doing down there on the beach was comfortable. Can that last forever? Probably not. But I never had to challenge myself or time because I was alone. The day I went to meet the guys, it just came together. I could stay in the band and travel or I could spend my life with you. That’s what I was thinking. Then I came home and saw you crying and saw the suitcases. I knew what was going to happen. How could I be greedy and ask you to stay with me?”

  I looked down. There was no answer to the question.

  “How is Max?” Travis asked.

  “Good,” I said. I lifted my gaze again. “Everyone is good.”

  “You said some stuff to me that was true,” he said.

  “No,” I said. “There were things…”

  “Stop,” he said. “I had no clue what really happened that night. I was in my own haze until I finally learned what happened. And it sent me spiraling.”

  “Rightfully so.”

  “What about you?” he asked. “She trusted you and called you.”

  “I couldn’t save her.”

  “But you were there for her, Willow,” Travis said. “I’ll forever be grateful to you for that. Whatever was going through her head at that time. If she was scared, sad, regretful, I don’t know. But she wasn’t alone.”

  I blinked back tears. “Travis…”

  “You called for help,” he said. “I know it was too late, but you did something. You did more than I did. More than her own mother would ever do. You’re my fucking hero, Willow. Because maybe you couldn’t save her… but you saved me. You really saved me.” Travis swallowed hard. “I went to see Julie today. First time since the funeral. I never wanted to be the guy that does that thing. But I did it. I left my notebook there because I don’t need to write anything down anymore. I just want to stare into your eyes and say everything.”

  What came out of my mouth next were three words that promised to change everything in all our lives.

  “Then do it.”

  32

  A Little Bit Here, A Little Bit There

  TRAVIS

  I crouched in front of her.

  She was my everything.

  The love I had been searching for when I didn’t know I was searching. All those hours and days spent in the water, chasing waves, staring at the horizon, it was Willow burning in the back of my mind. Even long before she came to bother me that first time. This black hole of emptiness hanging around my heart like an old friend, just waiting for her.

  If I had anything that resembled a ring right then, I would have asked her to marry me.

  The entire situation wasn’t easy, but that was the point of it all, wasn’t it? To be hard. To be really fucking hard. So that when things felt right, they were perfect.

  I took her hand and felt a million words float through my mind.

  I could tell her how much I loved her hair right now. That it was pulled back with some kind of big hair clip. I’d never seen her wear that before. That I loved her work outfit. Her light blue shirt that matched her light blue pants. That she had her name tag still on her hip. Or that her white shoes were fucking sexy for whatever reason. That she was so beautiful, even looking a little tired from a long day of work. That no matter how hard she tried to keep her heart out of her job, it would be impossible because she was just that kind of a person. And I loved her for that.

  Those were great words. Those were words that would probably make Willow cry. Those were the most honest words I could find in my heart and my head to say to her.

  Yet I didn’t say any of it.

  I crouched there in silence for a minute, studying every little feature of her hair, eyes, lips, her face. Everything. Just in case the time came that I really never saw her again.

  I slowly stood up, my hand holding hers.

  Towering over her, I took a deep breath.

  She had me nervous. Willow. Bunny. She had me fucking nervous.

  “Come here,” I whispered.

  I pulled Willow to her feet. I let her hand go. My hands touched her face.

  All those amazing words still floating around my head.

  Instead of telling her those words… I kissed her.

  Once. Twice.

  The third kiss, I parted her lips with mine. I tasted the sweetness of the tip of her tongue. I closed my lips and pulled back, hearing the sound of our kiss. I went back for more, harder and deeper, my hands moving from her face to her back. I pulled her close. Her hands slipped around to the back of my neck. Her nails dug into my skin.

  I let out a growling breath as I kissed her faster.

  She groaned into my mouth, almost sighing with a sense of relief.

  I broke the kiss for a second, so I could see her eyes.

  They were burning. As much as mine.

  I stole one more quick kiss from her.

  “Now,” she whispered.

  “Right now,” I said back.

  “Yes. Hurry.”

  “Willow, I’m taking you forever,” I said to her as I lifted her up, bringing her to eye level.

  She grinned with her eyes glossy. “What took you so fucking long?”

  I held her body tight to mine, our breaths battling, the tips of our noses touching. Our lips would randomly decide when to kiss one another. The moments between us built and the reality of time meant nothing. Her legs were wrapped around mine. The covers over us. The heat like a fire.

  I kissed her, tasting her tongue and her breath.

  I broke the kiss early just to hear the sweet sound it made.

  Our bodies were still connected, and I had no intention of letting her go anytime soon.

  I slowly moved my fingertips up her back to her bare shoulder. I came down and Willow inched back enough, allowing me to tickle down to her breast. I gently cupped her and came back up, inching to her face and then to her hair.

  Willow put her hand to my chest and she slowly grinned.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Your heart…”

  “What about it?”

  “It’s racing.”

  “No. That’s the way it always is.”

  “Liar,” Willow whispered.

  “Does this mean you forgive me?”

  “For what?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I kind of kicked you out, didn’t I?”

  “I was already planning on leaving, Travis. I… I didn’t know what to do…”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “You did what you felt was right. I wanted to be greedy. But with you, I can’t. I’m not used to that, Willow.” I touched her face again. “I guess I have to keep my greed for the bedroom.”

  “That’s not a bad thing, is it?”

  “Not at all.” I kissed her forehead. I eased myself away from her and let out a long sigh. “We need to get dressed and talk, Willow. A serious talk.”

  “I know,” she said.

  “You’re glad I brought that whiskey now,
aren’t you?”

  Willow nodded. She frowned too.

  I refused to sit so I stood next to the table, looking down at her.

  “I shouldn’t have let everything happen the-”

  “Willow,” I said, cutting her off. “Don’t wear guilt for me.”

  “I have to, Travis. I hurt you.”

  “I hurt myself,” I said. “You need your family. They need you.”

  “It’s not fair to you though,” Willow said. “I can’t ask you to live here. Not if it’s going to hurt you.”

  “The only thing in the world that can hurt me… is you. I can close everything off. I’ll move here, Willow. I’ll stay here right now.”

  “Stop it.”

  “I’ll go and eat pizza with Sam and talk about the good old days. I’ll drive by my old house and not think twice about what happened. I’ll find peace in the hell around me. That’s how much I love you, Willow.”

  Willow stood up and grabbed my shirt. “I hate you for saying stuff like this.”

  “Why?”

  “Can’t you be a dick and demand I leave this shitty town?”

  I smiled. “Of course I can. But you’re too stubborn to hear it.”

  “So, you’re going to torture me by being perfect for me.”

  “Or maybe we can have the best of both worlds.”

  “How’s that going to work, Travis? We live apart? Visit on the weekends? That’s a lot of flying and driving.”

  I touched her waist and smiled. “I don’t care what it takes. I’m not going to lose you.”

  “I don’t want to lose you either,” Willow said. “I don’t want to be here, Travis. I hate it here. This isn’t what I want.”

  “That’s okay. That’s why I’m here. So, I can give you everything you want. I’m completely obsessed with you, Willow. You chipped away at my heart a long time ago. And now there’s no stopping it.”

  “Travis…”

  “I love you, bunny,” I said. “Whether we’re here or down at my place. Or somewhere in between. We have each other. We can get through anything that happens now.”

  “I’ll only be happy if I’m with you,” she said.