The Neophyte_a play in three acts
Page 4
ADAM
Okay. Look. This could get me disbarred, so…but I’m at my wits end with this kid.
GRAINE
He’s crazy. What do you expect?
ADAM
No. No, it’s more than that. He’s…there’s something about him. Come and talk to him. You’ll see.
GRAINE
No thanks.
ADAM
You have to. I need you to join the team.
GRAINE
What? Adam, are you stoned? I have a job here. I don’t practice anymore.
ADAM
I need you to have full disclosure. Everything. You’re no good to me if you can’t know it all.
GRAINE
Well, isn’t that romantic. But I have classes—
ADAM
It’s almost summer. You have time off?
GRAINE
Yeah, but exams and—
ADAM
Just say yes. Say yes and come talk to him. If you’re not hooked after five minutes, you can quit. Please?
GRAINE
Hey, that’s a new word for you. Your wife teach you that?
ADAM
Graine, I’ve never tried a case like this before.
GRAINE
It’s easy. You don’t have to do anything. Even if their shrink says your guy is sane, you just get a shrink of your own, one with more letters after his name and an impressive-sounding title, and put him on the stand to say your guy’s crazy. It really all comes down to whose expert dresses better.
ADAM
The son of a bitch won’t plead out!
GRAINE
Telford? What do you mean? He says he’s not crazy? They all say that until you slap them in the face with twenty-five to life. Or better yet, the chair. Then they go all loopy real quick.
ADAM
Not this one. That’s why I need you to talk to him.
GRAINE
What makes you so sure that I can talk him into it?
ADAM
He…well, he talks like you.
GRAINE
Talks like…? You mean he has a voice like a woman?
ADAM
No. Although that would be funny.
He laughs nervously.
No. He…well, remember in law school when you decided to try and prove that a lie detector test was inadmissible because people were watching you take it?
GRAINE
To be is to be perceived. As soon as you try and measure something, you’ve changed it.
ADAM
You got an “F.”
GRAINE
It went over their heads.
ADAM
It would never have held up in a real court.
GRAINE
The jury in the moot court were a bunch of fuckwits.
ADAM
I was on the jury in the moot court.
GRAINE
It’s been so nice reminiscing with you, Adam.
ADAM
Wait! What I was trying to explain was that this man, Telford, he twists everything around until you can’t remember what you were trying to ask him.
GRAINE
That’s how crazy people talk. They have their own twisted logic.
ADAM
He knows things. Personal things. It’s scary.
GRAINE
Ooooh! Chilling. He probably searched you on the internet.
ADAM
Dammit, Graine! I’m serious! Every time I ask him a question, he goes into this weird…trance…or something, and starts talking about girls in pig-tails and rivers full of chrysanthemums.
GRAINE
Crystal.
ADAM
What?
GRAINE
“And he showed me a pure river of life, clear as crystal.”
ADAM
See! That’s what I mean. You know about that poetry stuff. I don’t know anything about rivers or flowers of whatever.
GRAINE
It’s from the Bible, Adam. It was the first passage I ever memorized.
ADAM
Well, see! It’s…whatdoyacallit…when things connect up?
GRAINE
Synchronicity?
ADAM
Yeah! So, maybe you’re meant to do this. I mean, I don’t really believe in that crap, but you do, right?
GRAINE
Adam…I don’t really believe in anything anymore.
ADAM
Hey, I know how it is. When my mother died, I—
GRAINE
I’m here now. I’ve got a job here. I can come in every day and follow the syllabus. I preach out of law books. The things I say are based on years of clear precedents, rulings already decided by people a hell of a lot wiser than I am. It’s all based on fact and reason. I’m comfortable. I’ve got a nice little house—
ADAM
You’re curious. Otherwise you wouldn’t be trying to talk yourself out of it.
GRAINE
Godammit, Adam, I don’t want to hear about this!
ADAM
I’ll tell you something, Graine. I don’t think Telford’s crazy. Sure, he’s very, very weird, but that’s not the same thing. He had some kind of reason for this.
GRAINE
Why couldn’t you just come in and chat?
ADAM
You’ve got to help me find out what it is! The whole town has gone crazy. People are marching outside the jailhouse, screaming for blood.
GRAINE
We could have a nice talk about the weather or something.
ADAM
Every policeman in five counties has been called in to guard Telford, as much for his own safety. I’m worried about the voir dire. About him getting a fair trial.
GRAINE
Why are you doing this to me? Just tell me about your wife, your kids, your new car! Talk to me about something real!
ADAM
He’s getting over a hundred pieces of mail a day—some of it fan letters! This is big. I’m afraid it’s too big for me to do alone. And that stupid little cocksucker sits in his cell, drawing pictures of bunny rabbits on the walls!
GRAINE
Bunny rabbits?
ADAM
Yeah!
GRAINE
Why? I mean, you said you don’t think he’s crazy, so—
ADAM
Maybe he worships Bugs Bunny, how should I know? And I’ll tell you something that won’t make it into the papers.
GRAINE
Please don’t.
ADAM
The DA’s office had to call the FBI to do an ID on Telford, and they came back with nothing. No record, no social security number, no birth certificate on file—
GRAINE
Bureaucratic mistake. Typical.
ADAM
When he was arrested, the police finger-printed him. They pulled the cards yesterday to compare with the prints from the scene. Telford’s card had no prints on it. Just featureless smudges in each of the little boxes. He’s got no fingerprints. He won’t talk to the DA, he won’t be straight with me…you’re my last chance. You’re his last chance. What if they convict the kid and execute him and you’re the only one who could stop it? Will you just come and listen to him?
GRAINE
Let him who hath ears…fuck! Fuck you, Adam. And fuck your stupid client. Alright! I’ll listen. But that’s all. Then that’s the end of it.
ADAM
Okay. Good. Okay! Good, thanks. And fuck you, too.
Scene Nine
OSCAR still sits in his prison cell, with his back to the audience. A door opens somewhere and we can hear the voices of the people of the town coming from outside the jailhouse. The voices crowd into one another, creating a frightening cacophony of sound, which builds to almost a roar.
CITIZEN #1
Thou shalt not kill!
CITIZEN #2
Innocent until proven guilty!
CITIZEN #3
No more violence in our town!
CI
TIZEN #4
Hate the sin, but love the sinner!
CITIZEN #1
No mercy for murders!
CITIZEN #2
Let him have a fair trial!
CITIZEN #3
Get him off the streets!
CITIZEN #4
Fair treatment for the mentally ill!
CITIZEN #1
FRY THE BASTARD!
We hear the sound of a heavy door banging shut, and the voices from outside stop. FATHER STONE enters and stands outside OSCAR’s cell. Throughout the scene, OSCAR remains seated on the floor of his cell, his back to the audience.
STONE
Hello, young man. I’m, uh, Father Michael Stone.
STONE waits for OSCAR to respond, but as he does not, STONE continues.
I…I’ve taken it upon myself to, uh, come and see you. To—to talk with you…son. Perhaps…I thought perhaps you might need someone sympathetic to talk with. Uh…or perhaps I could be…comforting…just sitting here with you.
STONE retrieves a small stool sitting near the cell and sits down. He is silent, except that he clears his throat nervously and flips the pages of his Bible. This goes on for some time and becomes terribly annoying to OSCAR.
OSCAR
Post-nasal drip?
STONE
Uh! Oh! What…um, I suppose so. Yes. I have a deviated septum.
OSCAR
It’s gross.
STONE
Hmmm?
OSCAR
That sound. It’s really vulgar. You should have your nose fixed.
STONE
Yes, I guess I should. But I would probably still make the sound…out of habit.
There is another long silence, punctuated by STONE’s throat clearing.
I also snore terribly. Good thing I sleep alone.
STONE laughs at his own joke. OSCAR responds by mocking STONE’s throat sound. Embarrassed, STONE stands.
Well, perhaps you’d like to be alone.
OSCAR
I like it quiet.
STONE
Yes. It certainly is quiet in here.
OSCAR
It was.
STONE moves to go, but stops at the sound of OSCAR’s next words.
You must know a lot about that.
STONE
Excuse me?
OSCAR
You don’t go to a lot of loud parties, right?
STONE
Not very often.
OSCAR
But weddings and stuff, right?
STONE
Yes, weddings. Irish funerals can also get quite boisterous.
OSCAR
Do you do a lot of those?
STONE
Uh…well, not around here. But upstate I’ve done a few. In Manox County.
OSCAR
That’s a long way to go.
STONE
I go where I’m needed.
OSCAR
Uh-huh.
STONE
The drinks are always free.
OSCAR
Isn’t that kind of a cliché?
STONE
What’s that?
OSCAR
The drunken Irish priest?
STONE
Ah…well, we are what God makes us.
There is another long silence, broken only by STONE clearing his throat.
OSCAR
You really believe that?
STONE
Hmm? Oh, yes. Of course.
OSCAR
Did he make you a priest?
STONE
I…um…yes. Yes, he did.
OSCAR
And he made you drink and gave you a deviated septum and you’re just fine with all that, huh?
STONE
It gives me a sense of peace, if that’s what you’re asking, to know God has a plan.
There is another long silence, broken only by STONE clearing his throat.
OSCAR
Jesus Christ! Blow your nose or something!
STONE
I’m sorry, I haven’t got a tissue.
OSCAR reaches into his pocket and removes a cloth handkerchief. He holds his arm out to one side and STONE takes the handkerchief.
OSCAR
Here. It’s the only thing of my own they’d let me keep in here. They probably thought I couldn’t hang myself with a handkerchief. But you can do just about anything, if you have to.
STONE
Thank you.
OSCAR
Just keep talking, so I won’t have to listen to you hacking away.
STONE
Blowing his nose
Do you believe in God, Oscar?
OSCAR
Laughing
I don’t really have a fucking choice, now, do I?
STONE
Of course you have a choice, son. That’s one of his greatest gifts. If you didn’t have the choice…to believe in Him or not…then it wouldn’t mean anything when you do.
OSCAR
Do you believe in Him?
STONE
Of course.
OSCAR
All the time? Even when you’re not doing priest stuff?
STONE
He’s a part of my life. Like brushing my teeth. He’s always there, and He makes every act a sacred one, if I’m willing to listen to Him.
OSCAR
You never wonder, even for a second when you’re falling asleep all alone at night, if you might be just kidding yourself?
STONE
I’m human, Oscar. I have doubts. I…I look at the world. Suffering. Violence. I wonder why. I think…no one could allow this to happen. No one could refuse to hear the cries of people in pain.
OSCAR
And then what?
STONE
Then what what?
OSCAR
What convinces you? How do you get back into it—believe in him?
STONE
I read the Bible. I listen to His voice guiding me. Comforting me.
OSCAR
Ugh!
STONE
Have you read the Bible, Oscar?
OSCAR
I started to. I got as far as Genesis, Chapter One, verse eleven. Then I got stuck on the line: And God said let the earth bring forth the tree yielding fruit whose seed is itself. I didn’t read anymore. That line’s too good to be ruined by further explanation. And if you don’t get it, you don’t get any of it, ya know?
STONE
Perhaps the time has come for you to try again.
OSCAR
The Bible? I get what I need from it. Besides, the words don’t really matter. It’s all been ruined in the translation.
STONE
But perhaps those who read it do so to hear the word of God.
OSCAR
Do you?
STONE
Do I…?
OSCAR
Hear God.
STONE
Certainly, I do. In the voices of my congregation lifted in song. In the Bible. In my heart.
OSCAR
What about in your ear?
STONE
Well, no, I—
Uncomfortable, STONE stops and watches OSCAR with a mix of concern and growing curiosity.
STONE
I…thought…once. When I was fifteen. I thought I heard…but it was just a feeling, really. A connection to Him.
OSCAR
It was during “Nearer My God to Thee.” You were sitting so still, with your legs pressed together. Your eyes down on the floor. You could smell Mandy Molloy’s perfume drifting up from the back of her neck, from the pew in front of you. White Shoulders. You started taking really deep breaths. Trying to gather as much of the smell into you as you could. Wanting to save that smell forever. Wishing you didn’t have to exhale, that you could just go on breathing in. And the choir hits that high “C”, and you lifted your head. You lifted your head and saw a tiny drop of sweat on Mandy’s neck. A perfect, tear-shaped bead of sweat. The ligh
t shined in that tiny drop of water. You thought how perfect it was. How nothing in the world…nothing created by a human being…could ever dare to be as perfect as that tiny drop of sweat on Mandy Molloy’s neck. And you heard a voice telling you that you were right. Then you realized that you had a hard-on, and you were ashamed. And the voice was gone.
STONE is frozen, wide-eyed and pale. OSCAR starts to laugh.
OSCAR
Lucky you. I need you to go now. Thanks for your help. You can have the handkerchief. You need it more than I do.