Pudgy and Precocious - The World of Baby LeRoy

by David Bolton

www.dboltoncreations.com presents...

  Pudgy and Precocious - The World of Baby LeRoy

  by

  David Bolton

  * * * * *

  PUBLISHED BY:

  Pudgy and Precocious - The World of Baby LeRoy

  Copyright © 2015 by David Bolton

  * * * * *

  You can see all of my works at my site:

  www.dboltoncreations.com

  Dedication: As always, to Maki.

  Pudgy and Precocious - The World of Baby LeRoy

  Table of Contents

  That's Me!

  Me, a chubby little Dumpling?!

  Get your very own shapely Mexican Nanny today!

  How I got the Name "LeRoy" - Ugh!!

  Me and my friend Bumpy, the Koala

  I find my true Love - NOT!

  In Praise of TV: The perfect Babysitter!

  Shameless Beggar's Corner

  Gettin' in the last Word... or Two!

  Author Bio

  That's me!

  Hi! My name's LeRoy Sprenkle. Yeah, I know, it's a pretty dumb name, but I guess dad couldn't help it, at least not with the Sprenkle part. I tell my friends to just call me Baby LeRoy.

  Now, before you ask: no, I wasn't in any movies back in the 30's. I wasn't born yesterday, but I'm not that old! The truth is, I was born almost a year ago, so I guess I'm pretty new to this world of yours.

  Sometimes, it's all so confusin': so many big people around, tellin' me what to do, not lettin' me do what I want, pinchin' my cheeks and callin' me cute (I really hate that - I bit my Aunt Maude's finger the other day when she tried to do that. Boy, you shoulda heard her holler!), makin' me go to bed early, givin' me a bath when I don't feel dirty, feedin' me warm milk (I prefer cold, with some Nesquik), viciously bitin' and scratchin' my hand (that's what my cat Clarence did when I pulled his tail. Next time I'll wear mittens!), hidin' the chocolate chip cookies from me with the lame excuse that I might choke on 'em (yeah, sure! What chump ever choked on a chocolate chip? Hey, that's pretty alliterative, isn't it? Not bad for a not-quite one-year-old, if I do say so myself!), et cetera.

  Fortunately, the world offers a lot of ways to get my mind off the fact that I'm so little that big people can do whatever they want with me.

  That's why I read a lot, watch TV for hours, and get online whenever I get a chance.

  Writin' this book was a challenge, but I read that before my time, President Obama got to be president simply by sayin' "Yes, we can", so I figured that if somebody can get into the White House with that philosophy, writin' a dumb book should be a cinch, even at my age!

  I read that some guy named Google (and then people say my name is dumb!) thinks that anything available on the Internet should have somethin' called "real, valuable content". I guess that's the opposite of "fake, worthless content", right?

  Well, in that case, I guess I'd better give you the real, valuable deal! And that's what you'll get in this eBook: my honest thoughts and opinions on just about everything that comes into my mind, not to mention keepin' you updated on the daily events of my young life.

  I'll be telling you all about:

  what's going on in the world (or at least, in my world)

  what my parents are up to behind my back

  what my cute Mexican nanny gives me to eat when Mom's not around

  really good eBooks you should check out

  ...and I'll show you a lot of cool pictures, too!

  Sometimes, you might hear me complain a lot about bein' so little, but I gotta say that there is one great thing about bein' a baby: you get to sleep as much as you want. Heck, you can doze for 12 hours a day, and your parents'll be glad you if you tack a couple of extra hours onto that!

  Luckily, I love to sleep. Which reminds me, it's time for my late-afternoon nap, so I gotta tune out.

  Now sit back, relax, and enjoy readin' about my life!

  Me, a chubby little Dumpling?!

  Boy, moms can really get on a baby's nerves sometimes.

  Like last evening, when my Mom had finished giving me a bath, (which I always hate, by the way, though bawlin' about it never gets her to give up the idea, so you just have to grin and bear it), and was dryin' me off.

  When she had finished, she picked me up, lifted me up in the air, smiled, and said:

  "Now, that wasn't so bad, was it, my chubby little dumpling!"

  "Chubby little dumpling"?!

  I mean, really!!!

  I've never felt so fat in all my short life!

  Yeah yeah, I know I won't be winnin' any beanpole-look-alike contests any time soon, and yes, I admit that Doctor Zarbin said I should shed a pound or two, but I just chalked that up to this society's obsession with gettin' the ideal figure.

  When she said that, I was so peeved that, if I could've talked (which I can't do yet), or if I had had my laptop handy to write her a message (my normal means of communication with large people; too bad it wasn't in the bathroom at the time!), I would've shot back with somethin' like:

  "Well, Mom, judgin' from that wedding picture of you and dad on the TV set, I'd say you've put on more than a few pounds yourself in the last couple of years!"

  But not bein' able to express my dissatisfaction, I had no other recourse than to look crabby, which she interpreted as my bein' hungry, so before I knew it, she had me dressed and was shovin' one of her body parts into my snoot. (When will she ever learn that I prefer it in a bottle, cold, and with Nesquik?) And as my bad luck would have it, Maria, our shapely Mexican nanny, always gives it to me in a bottle, though I'd love it if she would give me a taste of one of her body parts! But it looks like I just can't win. Well, at least Maria has no qualms about satisfyin' my desire for chocolate milk, even if it is in a bottle. I just hope Mom and Dad don't find out, or they might just kick her out!

  Now − gettin' back to the plot of this story − you might ask why this "chubby little dumpling'" thing bothered me so much. After all, parents are notorious for comin' up with "cute" names for their kids, aren't they?

  I'll be open-minded for a moment.

  It wasn't the "chubby" that bothered me, since I'll admit that my overalls are startin' to get a bit tight around the waist. And even the "dumpling" part wasn't all that bad. But usin' "chubby" and "dumpling" in the same phrase? And then puttin' "little" right smack-dab between 'em?

  Why, that doesn't just sound like I'm fat: it makes me seem like my clothes are burstin' at the seams, and that I'll soon be recruited to work at the local Walmart (okay, okay, there are some slender people that work there, but I've seen a few there that make me look anorexic by comparison).

  The "little" part makes it worse, of course, since if you take a bunch of fat, and cram it up into a small body, that body is bound to look even chubbier, isn't it?

  No, that's the kind of "cutesy name" that my pride wouldn't let me accept without sulking, right up to the time she put me to bed.

  But you know, when I woke up this morning, I thought to myself that sometimes you just gotta accept reality. And the reality is that I do look like a chubby lil' dumplin'. True, there's no crime in that, but on the other hand, if there's somethin' about yourself that you don't like, and you have any self-respect at all, the best thing you can do is take action, and change!

  So after Mom went to work, and María put me in my playpen, I immediately switched on my laptop PC and started surfin' the net to find something that might help me out.

  It took a while, but I finally found this great eBook:

  "Six Ridiculously Simple, yet Amazingly Powerful Techniques that will help You to Lose Weight"
Click on it, and read: it seems pretty convincin' to me.

  Now, I have one problem left: the book is pretty cheap, but where the devil am I gonna get even that amount?

  Hmm, guess I´ll have to wait till my birthday, and hope that Aunt Maude gives me some cold cash instead of a rattle, a stuffed dog, or somethin' dumb like that. (Nothin' against stuffed animals, but I prefer teddy bears, and especially koalas - they're my favorites!)

  Until then, I'll just have to take it, and keep my chins up, so to speak. But lemme tell ya, I won't be eatin' any dumplings for a while!

  Here's what I might look like if I got real skinny. Call me a "dumpling" if you will, but I think I look better fat.

  Yet if you yourself would rather give in to societal pressure and slim down, do check out the book I mentioned. Here's the link again:

  "Six Ridiculously Simple, yet Amazingly Powerful Techniques that will help You to Lose Weight."

 

  Get your very own shapely Mexican Nanny today!

  Hey, moms of the world, why are you wearin' yourselves out, workin' like slaves, gettin' grey hair before your time, hurtin' your voices with all that yellin' and shoutin',