by C. K. Martin
He had rushed out to see who was driving like a fool on his property and had been clearly surprised to see it was Hayley. He had asked her what was wrong, but when the words came out of her mouth, she was talking with speed and panic. He had shook his head and she had pushed past him instead of trying to explain herself. She had run down the hallway to Kate’s room and banged on the door, not caring who she woke up in the process.
The door hadn’t opened straight away. She hadn’t expected it to. It didn’t matter. She was prepared to keep banging on it until Kate came out and faced her. She beat her fist against the wood again, ignoring Pablo’s protestations.
‘She’s not in.’ A voice behind her had stilled her fist. She’d turned around to see Chad there, standing in his shorts and giving her a hard look. ‘What did you do?’ His Californian accent wasn’t soft as she expected. It had a thread of steel cut through it and she knew he’d seen Kate that morning.
Asking her what she had done gave her the glimmer of hope that at least he didn’t know the truth. If nothing else, Kate hadn’t betrayed her to him. ‘Where is she?’
‘I don’t know. And even if I did, then why would I tell you?’
‘Please, if you do know then tell me.’
‘Why did she come back crying this morning?’
‘I can’t tell you. I’m sorry. I just need to know that she’s okay.’
‘I can’t tell you that. When I saw her, she sure as hell didn’t look it.’
‘I have to talk to her. Please, just tell me where she is.’
‘And I’ve told you, I don’t know. She took my scooter and went for a ride. That was about an hour ago. She hasn’t come back yet.’ He folded his arms across his bare chest and stared her down. Men like him hadn’t intimidated her for a long time but she didn’t care about putting him in his place. He’d told her everything he knew.
Hayley had pushed past Pablo and walked down the coolness of the hall back into the bright daylight. From her position on the hill, she looked around, but she knew it was futile. Unless Kate was on her way back, then she would have no way of spotting her in the distant traffic moving through town. Instead, she would have to drive around and hope to find her. Serendipity wasn’t much of a plan, but it was all she had.
She ignored Pablo’s pleas for an explanation and then his furious curses as she got in the car and turned the key in the ignition. She’d pulled away with another squeal, driving with one eye on the road and one eye out for any bike that might be Kate. She’d driven back to the bar in the hope that Kate had decided to return to her. She must have questions, Hayley reasoned. It would make sense for her to come back, even if it was just to yell at her for all the lies that had tumbled so easily from her lips.
Hi, I’m Kate.
Hi. Hayley. Hayley Jones.
From the very first, it had been an untruth. One that she was so used to telling that it had never even crossed her mind at that moment it was a lie.
There hadn’t been any sign of the scooter or of Kate. She’d driven around town in an endless loop. Starting with cafes and bars, she had cruised the streets looking at the parking spots for anything that could indicate Kate was there.
Nothing.
She’d given up and gone to the beach. There were tourists lining it up and down, baking themselves various shades of red and brown in the sun, but no one that made her heart jump with the hope it could be Kate.
It had been nearly 2pm when the realisation had hit her that Kate might have made her way to the park. It was the perfect place to escape from the world. The first place they had gone together alone after that ill-fated night of passion.
It was a risk. The park was a long drive in the wrong direction if she was wrong. Her gut told her that it would be where she would find Kate. She would take the chance.
Now, silhouetted against the horizon, she could see Kate sitting on the rocky outcrop and was glad she’d followed the courage of her convictions. Her shorts had ripped on the fence as she’d climbed it. She’d cursed out loud but no one had been around to hear her.
They were alone.
If Kate wanted to shout and scream then she could. Hayley didn’t have to fear the words reaching the ears of others.
The sound of her feet scuffing on the dirt track caught Kate’s ears and she turned around. Her eyes were hidden behind sunglasses, but trails through the dust on her cheeks told Hayley she’d been crying. Fear made her pause in her steps.
Kate didn’t run. Kate didn’t even stand. She just turned away.
Somehow, that felt worse.
‘Can I sit with you?’ the words caught in Hayley’s throat. For a long minute, there was no response. Then, the slightest nod.
Hayley took a deep breath and walked the rest of the way, closing the distance between them. She sat down next to Kate - not too close - and stared off into the horizon with her.
The day had been spent running towards this moment. Now it was here and she didn’t even know how to begin. In all her nightmares when this happened, she never hung around. She never explained. She ran.
In her nightmares, she woke with her legs kicking the sheets and her heart pounding as she made her escape from those who could hurt her.
In reality, she’d started running, but not away. She’d run to Kate and despite everything else, it had felt like the right thing to do.
‘I know you know.’ It was a pointless way to start, but it was the only thing she could come up with.
‘I know.’ It was a pointless confirmation too. They were at this point and they both knew what had led them here. But what else could she say? She couldn’t make it go away. She couldn’t undo the events of the midnight hours and everything that followed.
‘I’m sorry.’ It meant little, but she had to say it.
‘Why did you do it?’
‘You’re going to have to be more specific than that.’ Hayley shrugged. There were so many things she could have done differently in hindsight. Not that she would necessarily change things if she could turn the clock back. To do so would mean never knowing Kate’s touch and despite everything else, that seemed too high a price to pay.
‘Why did you let me fall in love with you?’ It was a choking, angry accusation and the one thing she could not defend herself against. She had tried to warn Kate from the beginning that falling in love with her was the one thing she shouldn’t do. There were many other things to apologise for. To explain. But Kate’s first angry accusation was actually aimed towards herself.
‘I didn’t want you to fall in love with me. Just like I didn’t want to fall in love with you. That was why I left you on that first morning.’
‘Then why didn’t you make me stay away?’
‘Unless I’m mistaken, you wouldn’t listen to me when I told you that was exactly what you should do. I tried to stop you from pushing. I couldn’t stop you. You insisted on making me fall in love with you too. Bringing me to places like this. Taking me to the most amazing dinner last night. I told you over and over that I couldn’t be in a relationship with you. But you kept coming to me and the more I got to know you, the harder it was to stop the way I felt. I desperately wanted to feel nothing for you. And it hurts me to say that as much as it hurts you,’ she added at Kate’s renewed sobs.
‘Why didn’t you say no?’
‘I should have been more forceful. I get that. But I didn’t want you to hate me either. I didn’t want you to think I was nothing but a cold-hearted, mean-spirited bitch who had used you for sex one night. Because that wasn’t what it was. That isn’t who I am either. I wanted you to see the real me, even though I knew it was dangerous.’
‘You were lying to me the whole time.’
‘Was I? Really? Nothing I did was a lie. My name, my past? Those things are set in stone and I can’t change them. I didn’t tell you the truth about either of them, but can you blame me for that? They’re not who I am any more. The person you saw, the person you spent the night with last night, that
was the real me. The things we did together were with the real me. Not anything you’ve found out about me since.’
‘That’s easy for you to say.’
‘Believe it or not, it’s really not easy at all. I haven’t spoken to anyone other than my lawyer about this for nearly a decade.’
‘Pablo doesn’t know?’
‘No. What could I gain from telling him? Every additional person who knows is someone who could let the secret out. I’ve fought so hard to become Hayley Jones. I can’t take the risk.’
‘Would you ever have told me?’
‘I don’t know,’ Hayley shrugged. She didn’t. The future was something she tried not to think about. It was easier to get through each day when you didn’t have hopes and dreams of things that might never happen. ‘I could lie to you and say that of course I would, but I don’t know. I would have probably spent each day putting it off and telling myself that I would tell you tomorrow.’
‘Then I suppose I should be glad that I’ve found out now.’ There was bitterness in Kate’s voice and although it hurt, Hayley couldn’t blame her.
‘I can’t take back the things I didn’t tell you, but I can be honest with you now.’ She spread out her palms in apology. ‘That’s the best I can do. You can ask me anything. I won’t lie to you anymore.’
‘How am I supposed to believe you?’ It wasn’t a question Hayley was sure she would ever have the answer to.
‘I don’t know. I can’t make that decision for you. If you choose not to then I’ll let you just walk out of my life. I guess you’re going to do that anyway.’
‘If you think I’m going to walk away, then why are you here?’
‘To try and explain, I guess. To beg you not to tell anyone. There’s not much I can do to stop you. But if I have a chance to explain, then perhaps you won’t let anyone know. You’ll keep my secret.’
‘Why should I?’
‘Because I’m not sure I can go through it all again.’ She’d promised Kate honesty and that was it. ‘I’m not trying to guilt trip you into silence. How much did you read? I’m assuming that’s what you did. I know there’s a lot of stuff about me out there.’
‘A lot,’ Kate admitted. ‘More than I should have.’
‘Then you’ll know that there are plenty of journalists out there who thought I was guilty too. It didn’t matter that I was fifteen when I found out like everyone else. That I’d been a kid when he - my father - was doing all those things. I’d spent enough time with him to know better, that was what they thought.’
‘Did your mother know?’
‘She always said she didn’t. I want to believe her. I really do. But killing herself when she did, how can I really be sure? She might have done it because she couldn’t bear that she had loved a man who was a monster. Or she could have known and once the guilt came out she couldn’t live with herself anymore. I was too young to ask proper questions then. I was in shock.’
As she bared her soul for the first time since her therapist had sat her down on a couch and helped her turn her life around, she realised it was true. If she’d been the age she was now when she found out, then the shock would have stopped her from thinking straight anyway. There would have been louder recriminations as an adult, more accusations, she was sure of that. But questions that got to the heart of the truth? Probably not.
‘So you don’t know then.’ Kate was turning the question and its implications over in her brain, Hayley could tell.
‘No. I never did and I never will. If I had to guess, I would say she had suspicions that he was sleeping around while he was on those long road trips. With adult eyes, I know what people get up to when they’re away from home. I see it in the bar all the time. Perhaps he had a temper with her that I never saw. But I have to believe that she didn’t know until we all did. If I don’t, well,’ Hayley paused, her fists clenching back and forth, ‘then I have to live with the fact that not only did she abandon me to a shitty life to deal with on my own, but that she was partly responsible too.’
‘But didn’t you get help?’
‘That’s what people think, don’t they? That people just have to ask for help. That it’s out there if you need it. Let me tell you, no one cares about the kid of a killer. Not even the authorities. People care less when they suspect you might have got away with it too. People said it to my face. Called me a murderer in the streets. I was fifteen. They were grown men. So no, Kate, there was no help.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Despite the tears, despite the circumstances that had led them to this moment, Kate sounded genuine.
‘So am I. I tried, really hard, to turn my life around. Just to survive. I told myself that my mother would be his last victim, not me. I wouldn’t do what she did. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of having another life on his hands. But it was so, so hard.
Every day, it was all about survival. Not about being happy. Not about going out with friends. Not about getting a girlfriend. The thought of that terrified me. I worried that only a crazy girl would want to go out with me. One I couldn’t trust. I didn’t want an unhappy relationship and that seemed the only one open to me. So instead, I focused on getting through it and resigned myself to a life alone.’
‘So no one night stands? That part was true?’
‘It was true. Even out here, once I was certain that everyone believed I was Hayley Jones, I never took the chance. I didn’t want even want anyone. It was more important to finally feel safe, even if that meant being alone forever.’
‘Then I came along.’
‘Then you came along,’ Hayley agreed, ‘and changed everything. After years of telling myself that I was never going to get love, never find it, I think I have. Turns out,’ she barked out a bitter laugh,’ I was right all along. I might have found it, but now I’m not going to keep it after all. I still don’t get to be happy. I’m not blaming you for that,’ she added quickly, in case Kate thought she was trying to apply the guilt again. ‘I’m really not. But now you know what it was like for me, all I can do is beg you not to tell anyone else. Let me live out my days here.’
‘You don’t have to beg,’ Kate said. She didn’t move closer. The tears had dried, but she was still looking out over the horizon rather than back at her. ‘I just don’t know what to do.’
‘Neither do I. But you saw what they were like back then. Can you imagine what it will be like for me if they find me again. It’s been twenty years since the trial. That’s how long I’ve been running from this. Twenty years.’
‘I was four.’ It was a statement of fact, but a sharp reminder of the differences between them.
‘I know. Too young to even know what twenty years feels like. This is bad enough, I don’t need you to remind me of that.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ sighed Kate. ‘I just meant that twenty years for me is a lifetime. How have you managed to never tell anyone?’
‘It was hard. But I knew what the alternative was. Every time I wanted to let someone know, every time I just wanted to stop lying, I knew that if I did, Hayley Jones would be gone. The bar would be gone. I wouldn’t have any friends again. I took the money from the libel case and I saw my chance to escape. I took it. Every day, I look back, waiting for the past to catch up with me. This morning, I guess it did.’
‘So why did you invite me back last night?’
‘Because since I met you, things have stopped making sense. I know what I should do and I know what I want to do. You had a way of making me forget that this might happen. Last night, all I knew was that I wanted to stop fighting the feelings I have for you. I wanted to let you in. So I did. As we walked up the stairs I thought about changing my mind. About sending you away, for both of our sakes. But then you were behind me and I was too weak. I needed you so much that my brain stopped working.’
‘I don’t know what I can do to change this.’ Kate looked helpless again and it broke Hayley’s heart when another tear rolled down her face.
‘Y
ou can’t change it. It is what it is. If things could be changed, then I would have changed them long ago. So all I can do is plead with you to give me a chance to carry on here. You were going to leave anyway. Go off on your adventures. I was always going to stay. So perhaps our hearts have just broken sooner, but they were going to anyway, right?’
As she said the words, she knew they were the truth.
But unlike the lies scattered through her life, the truth didn’t make the pain easier to bear.
Chapter Twenty
Kate had listened to Hayley’s confession and her heart reached out to her. She’d come here to be alone, but when Hayley had arrived, it had taken away the decision about whether or not to hear her out. It had forced her to listen. When she’d heard her approach, she’d been too tired to walk away.
Tired was the word. Even in the heat of the summer tropics, she didn’t think she’d ever felt this drained. Now, with the full story running around her head, she only felt more exhausted. Hayley had promised to be honest with her at last. She’d given her the chance to ask questions.
But did she believe the answers?
‘Why did you choose here?’ she said, looking out at the mountain ridge in the distance.
‘What?’
‘Out of all the places in the world, why here? I’m just wondering.’
‘Oh,’ Hayley paused and, after a few moments, shrugged. ‘Would you believe me if I said it was the first place I got to where I felt like I could stop running? It really was as simple as that. It felt like the place I should be. I knew that if I wanted to start a life somewhere as someone else, then I needed to do something. The bar was for sale. It was cheap and I could afford it. Fate, I guess.’
