by C. K. Martin
‘That was it?’
‘Yes. I think so. It wasn’t about being close to the ocean. Or being in a hot country, although after the miserable weather in England, it was a nice change. Even the winters here are great. But when it comes down to it, the bar is what I needed and what has kept me here ever since.’
‘Were the news stories true? Did you really get that much from the settlement?’
‘Yes. It sounds like a lot, but it’s not enough to never work again. Not really. Besides, working behind a bar was the only thing I knew. The only person who ever took a chance on me was someone who owned a pub. I knew the ropes of customer service. The actual running of the business? Not so much. But it was more than I knew about anything else and the main point was to do something.’ Hayley sounded as tired as she was. The truth, when spoken aloud, was more mundane that Kate’s imagination had led her to believe.
‘I think I would have wanted to relax for a while. Chill at the beach.’ Kate realised she was putting herself in Hayley’s shoes as a twenty-four year old. When she pushed the bitterness and betrayal aside and allowed empathy in, she could see how hard it must have been.
‘Oh no. That was the last thing I wanted.’
‘Really?’ Kate was surprised. It had sounded so hard for Hayley up to that point. Surely a chance to stop would have been amazing.
‘I didn’t want to do anything that gave me time to think. I needed to keep my hands and my mind busy. Otherwise, I’d never really leave it behind. It would be the only thing I still had in my life. The bar caused me no end of stress in that first year, but it was the most liberating feeling. It was stress that I could do something about. Problems I could solve. That was when I understood that stress and fear were different things.’
‘Has the fear gone now?’
‘The fear never goes. Not fully. Certainly not today.’
‘What if I decide to tell someone?’ The words were out before Kate really had chance to make a conscious decision. She watched as Hayley ran her hands up and down her shorts, wiping the sweat away. Kate noticed that somehow they’d been ripped.
It was a foolish test. She didn’t even know why she was doing it. If Hayley was anything like her father, then Kate herself was a prime victim. No one knew she was here. No one even knew about this place other than Hayley. Her article wasn’t scheduled to post until next week, set up using Chad’s technology so she didn’t have to worry about it. So she could focus on the time she’d been planning to spend with Hayley instead.
No one would hear her scream or cry for help.
What the hell was she playing at, making threats and testing her? The silence grew and she frantically thought of a way to back out of the statement.
‘Then I can’t stop you,’ Hayley finally said and Kate saw a tear fall. Her back straightened. Some kind of resolve, a strength born of necessity took over. ‘All I ask is that you give me a day or two to sort things out. The bar. Marco’s family depend on his paycheck. Give me a chance to say goodbye to Pablo.’
‘If I told someone, you wouldn’t stay?’
‘Of course not. This place has become my home. These people have become my friends. They don’t need their lives upended by a media circus. It will be bad enough anyway, but at least if I’m not around then it will be over for them quicker.’
Kate wasn’t sure she wanted to know what ‘not around’ meant. If it was somewhere else, a new location, or something more sinister. Hayley brushed the tears away and stood. ‘I really am sorry for everything.’
‘Sit down,’ Kate reached up and took her hand, pulling her back to a seated position on the rough grass beside her. Closer this time. ‘I’m not going to tell anyone.’
‘You’re not?’
‘No. I guess,’ Kate couldn’t bring herself to admit she’d tested Hayley to see if she was a psychopath after all. ‘I guess I just had to know what you would do if I did. I don’t want to ruin your life.’
‘Even if I’ve ruined yours?’
‘It’s not ruined. I’m confused as hell, but it’s not ruined. I just wasn’t ready for this, you know? I thought we would keep seeing each other and last night…last night was special. The first time we were together was amazing but last night felt like something more. Like it was the start of something that would last. Then I fell asleep feeling one thing and left this morning feeling something else entirely. It’s been a hell of a day.’
‘I can’t imagine how it feels.’
‘I’ve been dealing with it for a day,’ Kate shrugged. ‘You’ve been living with it for two decades. I think you know how it feels.’
‘But it should never have been yours to bear, not even for one day.’
‘If everything you’ve told me is true, then it shouldn’t have been yours either.’ Kate had thought her parents had given her a hard time over her life choices, but it was nothing compared to this. To her surprise, it was Hayley’s mother who angered her the most. Her father, after reading what he had done to those girls, scared and repulsed her. Sometimes, there was just evil in the world. That was what he was at his core. Hayley’s mother had abandoned Hayley to fight for herself. To grow up and deal with the horror and torment alone. That, on some strange level, Kate found more unforgivable.
‘Do you believe me?’ it was almost inaudible and childlike in its hope. Kate looked at the woman next to her and finally understood the look that had sometimes crossed her face. The one that she’d struggled to define. She’d thought it was because she was being hard and distant. Now she saw it for the exact opposite: vulnerability.
The question lay there between them and Kate knew that to lie at this point would make her no better than Hayley. If they were to stand any kind of chance, then they both had to be completely honest with each other from this point forward.
‘I’m not sure,’ she confessed in the end. ‘I want to believe you. So much.’
‘But?’
‘It’s a lot to take in. I guess I feel like I have to get to know you all over again.’
‘I won’t be any different. I’ve been the person I am now all along. I don’t want to go back to being her. So if the person you’ve been spending time with isn’t the person you want to be with, then don’t expect it to change.’
‘But she is the person I want to be with.’ Kate swallowed. ‘Did you mean it?’
‘Which bit?’
‘The bit before. When you said you loved me.’
‘Oh, that.’ Hayley fiddled awkwardly with a blade of grass in front of her. Kate could see a blush growing on her cheeks. After all the things she’d confessed, all the deepest darkest secrets, it appeared this was the hardest thing of all for her to talk about.
‘Yes, that.’ Kate smiled. It felt nice to have an alternative to the tears and the sadness that had gripped her all day.
‘Yes, I meant it. I don’t expect you to feel the same way, obviously. With everything else that’s happened today, you probably didn’t need to hear that too.’
‘I want to know the truth, remember. If that’s how you feel then I know that last night wasn’t just sex for you either.’
‘It really wasn’t.’
‘I’m glad.’ Kate knew she should say something about her feelings in reciprocation. But right now, the words weren’t there. She’d spent weeks falling in love with Hayley. She’d been there for awhile. After that first night, she’d known on some level that Hayley was the one for her. Part of her held back now. If she told her today, with everything else that was happening, it would get lost amongst the other emotions.
Besides, if Kate couldn’t bring herself to make it work once they left the isolation of the park, then Hayley would know she’d lost another person who’d loved her too.
‘So what now?’ as if sensing her thoughts, Hayley looked backwards towards the entrance. Her shoulders were still rounded in defeat. Both of them were so very tired.
Kate had left home to travel because her life had been at a crossroads. For the first t
ime since she stepped onto the plane, she was at another. Right from the start, she had known that a relationship with Hayley wouldn’t be easy. They lived such different lives. But she had never expected it to be this hard either. The Kate of yesterday felt young and idyllic. A dreamer. The Kate of today had become a different person. More realistic. More aware.
‘Now, we go home,’ Kate stood and pulled Hayley up with her. The two of them were close. Kate didn’t let go of her hand. ‘I need to return Chad’s bike. I really need to have a shower. Then, perhaps, I could come over tonight?’
‘You want to?’ Hayley smiled at her and Kate felt her heart contract. Here, away from everything, she could pretend for a few moments that they would deal with everything else tomorrow.
‘If you’ll have me.’
‘Always.’
Kate felt a familiar flutter in her stomach at that smile. She had no idea what she was going to do tomorrow, but as she closed the distance between them, all she cared about was the moment. She felt Hayley’s lips against her own, tentative at first. The kiss was soft, not imbued with the passion that had marked their previous times together. As Hayley reached up and stroked her face, this kiss felt more like a promise.
Chapter Twenty-One
Four months later...
‘I have no idea how I’m meant to get the rest of my stuff in there.’ Hayley looked at the backpack in the middle of the bed. Kate had assured her it was big enough, but it was already two thirds full. She’d always considered herself a person of few possessions. Always ready to run. Now, faced with over a decade of accumulated bits and pieces, she was starting to see she was wrong.
‘Just take what you need,’ Kate lay on the bed next to the bag, typing on her laptop. ‘At least you don’t have all this stuff to fit in your carry on as well.’ She gestured to the laptop and camera at her side. Over the past few months, Hayley had finally begun to understand what it all meant as Kate patiently showed her how she built her career online.
The implicit understanding that they had come to, of course, was that in order for Kate to continue to do so, then she needed to get back out into the world and visit more places. Her list of admin tasks had dwindled to nothing as she had worked through them at the table in Hayley’s apartment.
With each new piece of information Hayley had learned, the fear of Kate leaving had grown stronger.
The previous few months had been far from easy. The two of them had tiptoed around each other in the beginning. The night after telling Kate everything, the two of them had lain in her bed, close but barely touching. It had been tense and strange, until a week later when they had an explosive fight over something so insignificant neither of them could remember what it was now. It was the first time Hayley had yelled in years. It shocked and terrified her.
But it had also cleared the air. Kate had walked out. She’d returned a few hours later.
That night, they had made love again for the first time since Kate had found out who she really was.
The following day, she’d moved down from Pablo’s with all her bags. Hayley had seen her in the doorway and knew that Kate had finally made the decision to try to make it work.
For the first time in twenty years, Hayley had weathered the media storm of that anniversary with someone by her side. They hadn’t talked much during those days. Hayley’s nightmares returned and she woke to find Kate’s arms around her, holding her close and whispering that everything would be okay.
Place by place, Kate reintroduced her to the world via a thirteen inch laptop screen. Places Hayley never even knew existed. Places that excited Kate in a way that this sleepy little town never could.
Each day had felt like it was inching closer to the day when Kate would leave. But, in the way that Hayley had come to recognise as her modus operandi, she had sown the seeds to convince Hayley that, just maybe, when Kate left, she didn’t need to be left behind.
Now there was a backpack on the bed in front of her and she felt the strangest combination of elation and terror she had ever experienced in her life.
Between them, they had weighed up the risks. It wasn’t as if Hayley had an actual criminal record she needed to declare, but that didn’t mean they would take any unnecessary risks. Kate had been planning to go back to London, but Hayley vetoed that without discussion. Kate could go alone if she wanted and then come back for her, but she wouldn’t be going anywhere near England. The further away from where she grew up, the better.
That was when Kate had suggested heading back to south East Asia. She still needed to check out the rest of Cambodia. Why not?
That was the question really. Why not?
When Hayley realised she didn’t have a good answer for that any more, she had agreed to go. Despite arguing she was far too old to become a backpacker, she had nevertheless allowed Kate to spin her web of adventure until she was caught like a fly with no chance of escape. A whispered midnight conversation had opened her heart to the possibility that the rest of her life could really be spent with the woman she had loved like a dream from the start.
She stared out the window. An adventure was about to begin, but she would miss this town. The bar. The first place she had felt happy since childhood.
‘Any regrets?’ Kate’s arms slipped around her waist. Hayley hadn’t heard her get up from the bed.
‘No. No regrets. Not yet.’
‘I don’t want you to have any ever. Remember, no matter what happens, you’ll always have this place to come back to. Pablo will take good care of it.’
‘I know.’ Kate was right. Pablo was a safe pair of hands to leave her livelihood in. With the hostel up and running, a new manager in place, Pablo was looking for another challenge. The bar was the perfect opportunity for him to turn his hand to running a new business whilst still spending time in one of his favourite places. Besides, Marco would really be doing the important tasks, but Pablo didn’t need to know that.
Hayley had promised she would come back when they’d talked about it and he’d agreed to take it on. Now, with everything about to change, she wasn’t sure if she ever would. It was a new thing for her, thinking about the future. It didn’t come naturally and often her mind attempted to shut down the thoughts when she had them. Every day she spent with Kate, the desire to do more than simply make it through the day safely grew.
There had even been talk of heading back over to Australia next year so Kate could see her family. The meaning was clear. The two of them would go and Hayley would be introduced to her parents at last.
For all her difficulties thinking long term, Kate appeared to have no such qualms.
#
The sun had begun to set when they stood at the front of the bar one final time. Hayley had made Pablo promise there would be no elaborate farewell. She wanted to sneak off into the night, very much in the same way as she had snuck into the town all those years ago.
Two backpacks, full to bursting, stood next to them as Kate took Hayley’s hand in hers. There was no need for words. Hayley took a few minutes to memorise this view. In all the years she had been here, she had never seen things so clearly. The calm of the ocean. The dry heat at the end of the day. The sound of laughter and enthusiastic Spanish chatter filtering out from the bar behind her. It had surrounded her every single day of this life and had become part of who she was.
The last flight of the day would be the first flight of their new lives together. The next sunset she watched would be halfway around the world and a whole other life away from the one she had stumbled upon all those years ago. Kate had assured her it would be different, but just as beautiful.
The sound of a car pulling up drew her from her thoughts. The taxi had arrived for them. She felt the weight of Pablo’s hand on her shoulder. She turned and, for the first time in their friendship, fully embraced him. She thought she saw a tear in his eye, but he wiped it away before she could comment. Instead, he pulled from her grip and picked up their bags to load into the car.
&nb
sp; For a moment, she knew she could change her mind. She felt the fear and enormity of what lay ahead grip her heart and squeeze.
‘Ready?’ asked Kate. There was so much hope and joy in her eyes that Hayley knew she would never be able to deny her anything. At her touch, the pain in her heart grew a little less.
‘Ready,’ she nodded, taking a deep breath.
She knew it was the truth. From the moment Kate had walked into her life, she’d been brought back to life. With each kiss they had shared, she finally understood what living meant. It was time to stop being afraid of the world.
It was time to live in it again.
About the author
C.K. Martin is a British writer of mostly - but not exclusively - lesbian fiction. She loves writing character-driven stories, so you’ll find her books in the romance, crime, thriller and fantasy genres. She believes that realistic, diverse and engaging characters shouldn’t come at the expense of great plots - readers deserve to have both. If you enjoy her characters in one genre, then you'll find similar heroines in the others if you feel like branching out. Discover detectives, vampires, gangsters and runaways, all looking for their happy ending.
When she’s not writing, she can usually be found with her nose in a book (or pressed against the Kindle screen). Her third biggest passion in life is travel, so although she’s based in England, for much of the year you won’t find her there. Instead she’ll be hanging out with her wife in some amazing city or, more likely, at the beach.
You can get in touch with the author by email [email protected], or follow on twitter @CKMauthor. For more frequent updates, visit http://www.ckmartin.com/
Other books available from this author
Dirty Little War
TAPAS AND TANGELOS
teddie mckay Series
The Crochet Killer
A Taste To Die For
lazarus hunter series
