Toilet Stories

by Pat Dowd

  Toilet Stories

  Pat Dowd

  ISBN (Print Edition): 978-1-54396-655-8

  ISBN (eBook Edition): 978-1-54396-656-5

  © 2019. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  Contents

  The Red-faced Squirrel

  Saving Christmas

  The Screen Door

  The Clothes Makes The Dog

  The Last Pair Of Sandals

  Lucky Girl

  Flower In The Crack

  The Only One

  Hangers And Shoes

  The Girl With The Metal Teeth

  The Red-faced Squirrel

  It all started in the park during a beautiful spring day. The sun was casting a happy glow on the whole park as if it were bringing it out to show someone for the first time. The children were playing on the swings and monkey bars while the adults were sitting on the bench nearby talking small talk with each other while gently sizing up on a friendly basis the differences in each kid’s ability and demeanor before just settling down and enjoying the moment with one another. There were people farther down in the park throwing a ball for one of their dogs to dart after and from the look on the dog’s face it must have been the most wonderful thing in the world for a dog to do on this fine day. There was an older couple riding some ancient looking bikes along the road that meandered through the park as if they didn’t have a care in the world. There was something in the air today that made everyone feel as if some extra wellness and joy had magically come their way bringing along a feeling of nostalgia and remembrance of days gone by.

  I came to the park on numerous occasions just to walk around and do some people watching sometimes strolling down to the lake to throw some stale bread to the ducks that hung around the water’s edge. They quacked and picked feverishly at their catch while carefully keeping a watchful eye on their rivals so their prize would not be stolen and snatched away. It was an art that some of the ducks didn’t seem to get and so their bread got nabbed while others seemed to be able to eat and guard at the same time. I was amazed at the variance of intelligence in them since they all seemed to look alike. Oh well, maybe it was a matter of education and experience but who knows where they went to school or if they did at all. I was not able to strike up a conversation with one of them because I heard that once you did, they would all want to talk at the same time and it would be a real nightmare to deal with.

  Today I wanted to change things up so I was going to try something new. The last time I was here one of the park rangers told me that there was on the right side of the woods paths that people used to ride horses on back in the day but now the horses are gone and the paths were partially over-grown because nobody went back there anymore. He also said that if you go back there far enough on one of those paths it will lead to a nice size pond where people use to go swim now and then. It sounded like a fun thing to do so I grabbed a bottle of water, my walking stick, and headed out in the woods in search of the old swimming hole.

  There were only a few paths left that headed that way and they were mostly over-grown and kind of hard to get through. All I had to do was pick the right one and then I could slowly make my way to the pond. That was the problem, I am one of those people that could lose a 50/50 chance coin toss ten times in a row, so I knew that this was going to be a challenge. I used the close your eyes and spin around with your finger pointing out method to pick the path and headed out on my journey. I got about three hundred yards down the path but unfortunately it came to a dead end, so I headed back and tried the next one. This one was a little friendlier looking and meandered through the trees in a more casual way as if it had all the time in the world to reach its destination. I walked along pushing the branches away from my face with my walking stick and after ten minutes or so lo and behold, there before me was a small clearing and a pond the size of a gym floor glistening in the distance just beyond the clearing. I walked out toward the pond cautiously just in case any wildlife was lingering around like gators, snakes, and other critters that I might scare off by being in their territory.

  There was a big tree about five or six feet from the water that shaded that side of the pond and it made for a nice place to sit down and look out at the water. I just got settled in and was sitting with my back to the tree when suddenly I heard something stirring from behind the tree. Could it be some crazed creature coming after me? I did not know if I should run or sit there and be quiet to see what happened next. Then all of a sudden I could see out of the corner of my eye a squirrel unzipping his furry little suit and hanging it on the bush just a few feet away from where I was sitting. I stayed still as possible so I wouldn’t scare him into running away as he slowly walked down to the edge of the water and dove in. He went under the water for about two yards before his little head popped up as he swam hand over hand all around the pond until he wore himself out and headed back towards my way. He took his time coming back occasionally just floating on his back while kicking his feet just slowly enough to give him the motion he needed to keep moving through the water. He soon made it back and walked out of the water up the embankment casually moving toward his fur suit that he had hung up earlier. Then it happened, he saw me! I was between him and his little fur suit and he froze in his tracks. He instantly turned to the side and put his hands in front of his bejubie to shield me from seeing it, his red face glowing from embarrassment. He did not know if he should run over and just grab the suit or just stand there and hope I was not going to be mean to him or hurt him in any way. I felt sorry for the little guy and said, “Don’t worry, I am not going to hurt you, go ahead and get your fur suit on and come hang out with me a while.”

  The little creature then looked more at ease and went over and got his furry suit off the bush and started to put it on. He slowly put one leg in and then the other while gradually pulling it up on himself until he could get his little arms in and zip the thing up. He looked so cute in his little outfit as he came over to me to see what I wanted to talk about. I asked him if he came here often to swim and he said yes. He had been coming here for years and said that he had never seen a human here at the pond before nor even heard them coming through the woods since the horses were gone and humans did not use those trails anymore. “I am so sorry that I embarrassed you by catching you naked by surprise, could you please forgive me?” I said. “I did not do it on purpose, I was just as surprised as you were.” I had never seen a squirrel naked before and I was in a little shock at first. The little guy looked off for a second and then looked up at me with those dark little eyes and said, “It’s okay, we both are guys so it is no big deal” he said. We both then smiled at each other and then I slowly reached over to shake his hand. It was nice to meet a new friend that did not know me personally, it was like starting over again. I was debating if I should tell him the truth about myself or make up something that would make me more likable to him. Since I did not know much about him I figured it best to just be myself and let things fall as they may. What do squirrels think about anyway? Do they have sadness in their lives like humans do? Do they think about their lives and wonder what they could have done to make things better along the way? If they had to do their lives over again would they change things or would they just leave things as they are?

  We talked about what is like to be here at night in the woods and how he learned to hide to keep h
is enemies from grabbing him and making a meal out of him. It was fascinating to hear how he buried the nuts that he had gathered for the winter months when food was scarce and how he was able to remember where they were hidden. He was clever and resourceful in his methods and even used psychology on his fellow creatures to keep them at bay and away from his food supply. I was totally at ease with him. We also talked about girls, art and poetry and had a few laughs along the way. It was great, totally unexpected and a wonderful way to spend a nice afternoon. The squirrel offered to help me back to the main part of the park so he climbed up on my shoulder and pointed the way out. As we walked along I thought how glad I was to have come out to the park today and met a new friend that I felt was going to be friends with me for a long time to come. What could be better than that?

  The End

  Saving Christmas

  It was rather warm for this time of year so it was hard to get in the spirit of Christmas. I had struggled to get all my shopping done, the presents wrapped and all that goes with it. It was Christmas Eve and I did not want to do anything else except chill out and maybe watch a Christmas movie or two, have a few drinks and then go to bed and get some sleep because I had a busy day of visiting planned for the next day. It was late, after 2:00 am when I heard a commotion outside by the house next door. Those people were notorious for going to bed early so I was extra curious about what was going on. I walked over to the front door and opened it slowly and peeped out, I could not see anything but I still could hear some noise. I went outside for a better look and there on the roof of the house next to me was Santa’s sled and all his reindeer. He had gone down the chimney and placed the presents under their tree, filled the stockings on the mantle of the fireplace with goodies, ate the cookies and drank the milk that the people had left out for him. Then he went up the chimney and back to his sled where the reindeer were patiently waiting for him to return. As he exited the chimney he caught his pants on an old antenna mount that was no longer used but stuck out far enough to cause some trouble. He tore his pants from the middle of the back of his leg to almost his waist exposing his underwear and embarrassing him completely to the core. He looked down from the roof at me and said, “I’m so sorry, I look a mess, what am I going to do, I can’t go into people’s houses like this. Suppose you can help me?”

  I told him not to worry and that we would figure something out. He took his sled off the roof and hid it behind my house tying the reindeer to the fence to keep them hidden from my neighbors. Santa came inside and looked in the mirror in the hallway at the damage that was done to his big red pants. It was bad, they needed to be stitched up and it was going to be a while before it was done so I suggested he put on my robe and give me his pants so I could sew them up and get him back on his way. We took a few shots of tequila to get things going along and after a while Santa became very talkative and told me some personal things that he probably did not talk about with just anyone. He told me that he and his wife were going through a rough time right now. He said that his wife was having an affair with one of the elves for the past year or so and things were starting to come apart. Maybe it was because he spent so much time getting toys made for the kids all year long that he ended up neglecting his wife more than he should have so she was acting out her frustrations by having a fling with an elf. He wasn’t sure about the affair at first but one day when he came in from the toy factory and plopped down on the bed he found the elf’s pointy little green hat tangled up in the bed sheets. He knew then that the relationship with his wife was about to go south. He figured that when Christmas was over that he could approach her and work it out somehow if it were at all possible.

  As he talked about his domestic problems at times his eyes would well up with tears. He would then indiscreetly wipe them away pretending that he was not so upset and went on with his personal story as I sewed away on his damaged pants. I did not have a machine so I had to sew them up by hand. It was a long and tedious job but it was coming along pretty good. I did not have thread strong enough so I used some thin fishing line that I had in my tackle box. It was working out well considering that the only thing I have sewn before was reattaching some buttons now and then. I had to make do with what I had. Santa had a few more shots of tequila before the night was done and it seem to make him talk up a storm. He told me how they got the materials to make toys up to the North Pole. There were not any roads nearby to bring anything by truck so all the material had to be flown in by plane. Santa after World War Two had bought an old twin engine troop transport plane from an auction of military surplus equipment in Dallas and used it to haul things to and from the North Pole. It was equipped with a wheel and ski combination under it so he could use it on either an airport runway or just behind the toy factory on the snowy area he had smoothed out so he could land nearby without having to walk far in the snow once he got out of the plane. It has served him well all these years and was easy to fly and maintain. He learned to fly by taking lessons while he was on vacation in Costa Rica after the war.

  The sewing was coming along slowly but surely. Santa went into the kitchen to fix us some sandwiches. I could hear him in there singing Christmas carols as he went along with his task, humming and whistling in the places where he forgot the words to the songs. He was in a great mood considering the mess he got himself into so I hurried up my work so I could get him back on his way as soon as possible. He told me how his reindeer got along a lot better since a few of the more popular and famous of them had quit and got contracts to zoos around the world where they could make a lot more money then just being sled jockeys. The group of reindeer he had now just did their jobs and hung around the barn behind the toy factory telling stories and bragging about their sex life while lying about the size of the fish that they caught during the summer when the ice thawed out a little. Typical reindeer talk that Santa had gotten used to during the off season when everyone started to get a little cabin fever from being hold up in the snow during the winter season. Although I enjoyed all of Santa’s stories I was determined to get the sewing done and get Santa back on his way to deliver the rest of his toys before the sun came up again. Soon all the kids would be waking up and running into their living rooms where the Christmas trees would be all decorated with colorful ornaments with the presents peaking out from under the bottom branches just waiting for them to tear them open and see what was inside.

  It wasn’t much longer when I finished up the sewing, tied off the fishing line I used for thread and handed the pants back to Santa to try on. He was impressed that you could hardly see the damage that was done to them. He went into the bedroom and put them on. In a flash he was back in the room where I was sitting with a great big smile on his face. “Great job,” he said, as he looked at himself in the mirror and synched up his belt and put his big black boots back on readying himself to go get his job done for the night. He came over and gave me a big hug and said, “I will never forget you for saving Christmas.” He gave me his address up at the North Pole and said that if I ever was in the area for me to just drop by and see him. He then went over to his sled and climbed aboard. He was ready, the reindeer were ready and with a howdy ho and a crack of his whip he was off to finish delivering presents to all the rest of the kids on his list. Somehow I knew he would make it okay and all would be well, after all it is Christmas when miracles are suppose to happen.

  A few months after Christmas I sent a letter to Santa at the North Pole and asked him if he ever worked it out with his wife that was having the affair with the elf. He wrote back saying that he had. They took a few weeks off and went to one of the lesser know islands in the Pacific spending the time walking hand and hand along the beach watching the pelicans swooping down grabbing a fish for dinner while the sea gulls were coasting along the shore line looking for their big prize of the day as they glided by. The wife had broke down and told Santa that she still loved him and that she was just wanting some attention by messing around with the elf.
She promised that she would not do anything like that again if he would only find it in his heart to forgive her. He said that when he looked in her eyes that he could see that she was telling the truth so he reached out and held her tight in his arms while tears of happiness ran down both of their faces. He said it was the most beautiful moment he had ever shared with her. He felt closer to her than he had ever felt before and it was wonderful to be with her again.

  His letter had made me feel good all over. Maybe it was that Christmas feeling that you get towards the end of December. I was hoping that I could hang on to it for a long as possible, maybe even for a lifetime.

  The End

  The Screen Door

  It all started down in Florida after a hard rain with some strong winds, thunder, lightning, and some minor flooding. The ditches on the side of the road were full to the brim and the turtles and other small wildlife were scrambling for higher ground. After things calmed down and the sun came back out, my wife and I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood to see what was going on. We were both hoping to see some gators or snakes that sometimes move around after storms. When we came around the corner by the little grey house we could hear a wooden screen door banging back and forth on the back of the house with the wind that was left in the air. Wooden screen doors have a unique sound about them when they close, if you have ever heard one you would never forget it, not an unpleasant sound but different than anything else. I used to have a cat that would go in and out the screen door by the back of the kitchen. He would stick his paw under the bottom edge of the door and pull it out to get in and when he wanted to go out he would just push on it from the inside. Well, as I was saying, we looked over at the grey house and noticed that nobody was home so we figured why not be good neighbors and go over there and latch the screen door so it would not annoy the neighbors all day and especially tonight after things got quieter and people were trying to get some sleep.