Toilet Stories

by Pat Dowd

  I thought about it while we were just sitting there on the park bench people watching that Sunday and sure enough it hit me like a bag of nails falling off a building. Why can’t we get dressed up like some of these people do? There were not laws against it and there was a thrift store about two miles down on the other side of town that should be easy for us to break into. I waited until there were nobody walking by and then I asked my partner if she would be interested in breaking into the store and getting us some cool stuff to wear. It took me a while to convince her that it would be the thing to do but in the end she went for it like a cat after a ball of tin foil. The caper had to be planned out carefully since we weren’t that familiar with the part of town that the store was in. The store was not on our regular schedule of destinations. We would have to find a way to get down there besides walking because we both were not that big of dogs and it would take us a long time to get there and our feet would get sore from all the concrete and asphalt we would have to walk on. Besides, our little paws would get all that oil and road mess on them and then later when we licked them when we were laying down we would get that horrible stuff in our mouths. That means no kissing and no kissing means no action if you know what I mean. Oh well, enough of that, what I need to be thinking about is how we can get in and out of the store without getting caught. After all if we got caught breaking into a store they would just take us to the pound and put us on death row along with the other older dogs. They don’t keep you there long I hear. Dogs have told me that when you just start to get used to being there, then the executioner comes in and puts the mark on your collar that means you are next in line to get iced with all the rest of the dogs that nobody seems to want to save. I heard about those guys wearing all black and sporting a hood while carrying a meat clever that they could swing around so fast you did not even see it coming. Way too scary for me, that is for sure.

  After things slowed down and there were not as many people left in the park, we went back to the makeshift lean-to that we found in a vacant lot in the neighborhood nearby. It looks like some homeless person might have lived there at one time but it has become over-grown and now was empty except for us. We both were abandoned by our former owners when they moved away, not because they hated us but because they had to move for job purposes and could not take us with them. We came from an apartment house across from the park about the same time and ran into each other digging through the garbage cans in the alley between the buildings. We liked each other right away and have been hanging out ever since. If you get to the garbage cans in the evening right after people eat dinner you could sometimes get some real good stuff. Last night some fool threw out nearly a whole pizza and someone else threw away a half of box of donuts. We usually eat right there at the garbage cans and then go to the lean-to and bed down. It’s not a good idea to take the food in there with you because it draws out ants, roaches, and other pests that will annoy the hell out of you all night so when it is time to get up in the morning you are still tired and feel worn out. We have gone that route before and have learned our lesson.

  The next day I spent the day making plans for us to get down to the store so we could do a dry run on our little caper so it would go real smooth when we actually got a chance to rip off some clothes from the place. I checked the bus schedule and checked out how much a taxi would cost to get us there. The bus was going to be our best bet since it only cost one dollar to go anywhere you wanted to go along the route. We could steal the four bucks we needed to get back and forth from the store by swiping some tips off the tables at the sidewalk café next to the theater. Those people were dumb enough to put about five or six tables outside on the sidewalk for us to take advantage of. When the waiter would go inside to get something we just would sneak over to one of the tables and grab the tip that someone left there and then run like hell. I have done that many times and it works out well. I can outrun most humans at least for a few blocks anyway whenever I get the hankering to. I don’t like doing it because running down the street or sidewalk on all that concrete makes the pads on my feet sore and it can also tear up my nails which then can get caught in everything. It also leads me to not pay that much attention to what I am stepping in and I end up with gum stuck to my fur that I end up chewing at all night long which keeps my poodle friend up too. That kind of thing could get a guy in the “Dog House” quick, so to speak.

  We scarfed the money for the bus and decided to make a dry run over to the thrift store before it got too late in the day. We did not want to get stranded after the bus service was done for the day. Once we got on the bus it took about twenty five minutes to get to the area were the store was. They seem to stop at every corner and either pick or let people off, it was ridiculous. I should have checked if they had an express bus that did not stop at all the stops before we settled in on this bus. Oh well, what is done is done they say. When we got there all was going as planned so far. The place was old and dark with just a few poor looking people walking around looking at things. There were the ones looking for a specific thing and those that have to look at everything. We casually walked through the store not wanting to attract any attention to ourselves. Every so often I or my lady friend would hold up something and say, “Look at this, do you think this would look good on me?” Then we would slowly go along and do the same thing over again in some other part of the store.

  It took what seemed hours walking around the store but we finally found some cool stuff to wear. I even found a couple of neat hats to wear with my outfits. Once we gathered up what we wanted, we waited for everyone to get busy doing something then we hid our stash under an old display table that had a cabinet under it. It did not look like they used it in a long time so I figured that our stuff would be safe there until we could get back here to claim it all. Then we went slowly out of the store and walked down to the bus stop that was down on the next corner. We waited about forty minutes for the next bus that was going back to where we came from and then another half hour of stop and go before we got home. We were tired when we got back so we went right to our little lean-to and went to sleep.

  The next day we did it all over again but this time we were going to come home with some good stuff. It was going to be great to put on a new look and of course my partner was going to be able to do some strutting of her own once she could put some new duds on herself. All we had to do was to get to the store about a half hour before closing and then hide in the cabinet under the table with our stuff until everyone left and went home for the day then grab it all up and get out. Our timing would have to be right on the mark because if we messed around too much we would miss the last bus back home and be stuck in that strange part of town all night long. We were likely to get robbed ourselves if we did that. Sure we were nervous, we had some pride and did not want to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood in the days to come.

  The time had finally come and we were off on the bus once again. Since it was later in the day then when we got on the bus the last time, there were not as many stops to make. The bus could skip the corners where no one was standing so we went along pretty fast. Before we knew it our stop had come up and we got off with a little bounce in our step because we were so excited that the time had come for us to make a good haul for the first time in our furry little lives. We approached the store slowly like we had all the time in the world and walked in through the front doors like we owned the place. A little bell rang when you walked in that was positioned over the doors and fixed so that the corner of the door would hit the bell when it was opened. Kind of sounded neat, a sort of pleasant sound at that when you think about it. We worked our way over to the table where our stuff was under and when no one was looking we scurried under it and hid in the cabinet. All we had to do now was to wait until everyone left and then grab it and get out of here and head for the bus stop.

  We waited until it got quiet and then I peeped out to see if the coast was clear. I saw nothing going on anywhe
re so we came out and grabbed an old sheet out of a pile of bed clothes and loaded our stuff in it. I slung it over my shoulder and we headed out to the front of the store. Then out of the blue there was a big mean ass dog right in front of the exit doors cutting us off from getting out. He looked mean as a junk yard dog and had one of those collars that had spikes all over it. I had to think in a hurry what to do, there was no time to mess up now and be chewed to death by this big ass bully. I looked over at him and said, “Hey there big fella” and stuck my paw out for him to shake hands. He just stood there and growled at us and it looked like we were getting nowhere so I went for broke. “Look big guy, we came here because this good looking poodle girl wanted to meet you, she saw you in here not too long ago and had begged me ever since to bring her down to meet you,” I said. “She thinks you are sexy and was wanting you to call on her sometime in the near future, what do you say?”

  The dog did not know what to say to that, it really caught him off guard. He just looked back and forth at us and tilted his head to the side and took a closer look at my little poodle friend. He was not used to having another dog around. His owners did not ever bring any other dogs to the store and they kept him upstairs in the office until the store closed at night. He sometimes would get a glimpse of someone’s service dog but since this was the poorer part of town nobody much has that kind of thing going for them. Having a good looking girl dog making eyes at him was a new experience for him. He was hooked, “Sure,” he said, “I would love to go out with your poodle friend, maybe we could arrange something for next weekend?” I told him that it would be no problem and that she would drop by next Friday night after the store closed to see what you wanted to do. He went for it hook line and sinker, let us out the front door with our stash, waved goodbye and off we went to the bus stop. Our chatting with the big ole dog almost made us late for the bus so when we got there we only had to wait a few minutes to get picked up. It was great!

  When we got home we dragged our load of goodies back to our sleeping place and then we each picked out an outfit to wear the next day before we laid down for the night. Just as I was about to go to sleep the fluffy little woman looked up at me and said, “You weren’t serious about me going out with that horrible dog were you?” I pulled her over close to me and said, “No baby, I was just trying to get us out of there in one piece, I don’t want you to be with anyone but me for ever and ever.” She then came closer and laid her head next to mine. As she laid there a tear of happiness dripped down from her almost closed eyes and landed right on the side of my face, it felt wonderful.

  The End

  The Last Pair Of Sandals

  Jesus just got into town and was sitting on the bench outside the bus station. It was early June in the year 1959 and the afternoons were still warm enough to go around without a jacket on. You might want to wear one in the mornings when you first start out but by eleven or so you would have to take it off and carry it the rest of the day until the sun went down. With the unsettling of Europe and the Middle East, Jesus thought it best he did his work in the good ole’ USA. He loved the chrome laden cars, the drive-in hamburger stands with the cute little girls on roller skates bringing out the food and hanging the trays on your car window and of course those soda fountain drinks with the cherry and vanilla flavors. Since Jesus was suppose to know all and foresee the future to a certain extent, he knew that soon there would be a big change taking place in America. He wanted to take advantage of things before it was too late.

  Flip flops were coming into fashion and Jesus wanted to sell out his sandal line before flip flops took over the market and sidelined the sandal trade. He had been secretly making and storing the footwear in his factory in central New Jersey for the past two years and was confident that now was the right time to push them out in the market so people could buy them for their friends for presents and maybe corner the spring footwear market. Then if there were any left over sandals going into summer he could put them on sale and unload the rest of them. He figured that he could bank the money so when he did come back officially to do his preaching tour he would have enough money to hire the people to secure venues, supply security, get permits and hire people to leap out of wheel chairs and say, “I can walk,” and have the blind guys take off their dark glasses and say, “I can see,” add in the deaf mute that can now hear, and all the catch men that hold up the fainting people and you got a show for the road. If he was going to put on a good show and draw the people in, then he was going to have to spend some money. He needed a big tent with a red blinking light on top, chairs, an alter, a sound system, lighting, props, and he was going to have to get a white suit with matching shoes and a big white bible with a large gold cross on the cover to look genuine and official.

  Jesus was feeling good and knew it was going to be a short while before he would be in his natural element preaching and making miracles. First he had to sell all of the sandals so he tried to get the preaching stuff out of his mind. There were all kinds of sandals coming out of his factory. There were low cut and high laced sandals of all styles and colors. He had both men’s and woman’s styles in buffalo hide with your choice of gold or silver tone buckles on them. Jesus knew that this was his best chance to get them all gone before the plastic shoes took over. He did not use the name Jesus right now because he did not want the press following him around asking questions about the end of the world and such. After all, this trip was solely for the selling out the sandals and not for getting bogged down with preaching and the stuff that goes along with it. He used the name Joe Christ and called the sandal line “Christlike Sandals” with a C that had a small cross in the middle and the edges were lined with gold leaf. It was also stamped on the top part of the sole by where the ball of your foot would be touching for brand identification.

  He was waiting outside the bus station in Asbury Park, N.J. for the next bus to Newark where he was confident he could obtain some phony identification cards to make it easier to get around and obtain permits and such. He needed a phony driver’s license and a Social Security card along with a couple of credit cards to pay for things in a hurry so he would not have to carry so much cash. Once he got his identifications in order he went out and bought a used 1956 car that was as big as a land yacht and had a trunk so big you could put six people in it. That was going to be perfect to haul his wares in and a back seat big enough to sleep in along the way. He drove out to the factory and loaded up his sandals and sales brochures, threw some clothes in a suitcase along with a few personal items then headed out on the open road. He loved to drive with the windows down and the breeze blowing in while the radio played some cool tunes. He would sometimes slump down in the seat and hold the steering wheel with his knees while he put his hands folded behind his head just to see how far he could go without touching the wheel with his hands. Sometimes he could go miles like that.

  Jesus now known as Joe Christ did not like to take the interstate highways. He would rather use the back roads where he could take his time and see more of the small towns and sites that you never see on the big highways. A few thousand years ago when he was preaching and making miracles there were not any cars or highways. He had to travel on mules and end up sleeping in the middle of nowhere without tents, running water or any of the other conveniences of traveling today. Last summer while Joe was on vacation down in Mexico Joe took the time to learn how to drive so he could tour the country selling his sandals without having to rely on someone else to drive him around. Sure he could just put his white robe on and fly around but that causes too much attention and then people would want selfies which could hold him back from getting the sandals sold and that was his main priority right now.

  The first town he came to was a rather small town of just nine thousand people that had everything on one street that went down the middle of the town. There was a café, a barber shop, a feed store and a general store with those old oil wood floors and some old glass cases which held som
e costume jewelry and a few trinkets in them. Joe was interested in the general store more than the others, so he went in and walked around a bit looking at what they had and checked out where he maybe could display his sandals. After a little coaxing, the lady behind the counter agreed to let Joe bring in some of his wares for her to see. He went out to the car and brought some samples back to the store. She loved them and said, “Yes, I think we can sell them in here.” Joe whipped out an order form and had the woman order several pairs for her store to sell. It was a success, he went out to the trunk of his car and gathered up her order of sandals, brought them in and helped the nice woman display them so people that came in could see them right away.

  The next day, he went on and tried the same thing in the next town and the towns after that. It was going so well, he figured at this rate he was going to be able to sell out even before the summer was half way through. Joe had these unusual eyes. He could flip them around in his head so fast you would be hard pressed to notice it. On one side his eyes were a pretty blue but when he flipped them around they were brown on the other side. He would greet you with the blue eyes showing but when he got down to business they would flip over to brown and put the “Jubie shuffle” on you. With the brown eyes showing, he could control what your thoughts were without you ever knowing it was happening. If he would show a store owner a group of sandals with his brown eyes shining out he could make the merchants say “Yes” instantly to the sale of his wares.