The Very Thought of You

by S. Anne Gardner

  Reese was surprised by the change in the other woman’s demeanor. Alex’s eyes had seemed soft but quite suddenly she had become very cold.

  “All right, Alex,” Elliot replied just as curtly and walked out of the office.

  †

  Alex’s eyes went back to a curious Reese. “Won’t you sit down, Ms. Owens.” She pointed to the chair in front of her desk.

  “Yes, thank you,” Reese said as she sat.

  “What can I do for you?” Alex asked as impersonally as possible as she sat down behind her desk.

  “I wanted to thank you for what you did for me and Carly. She told me how kind you were to her.” Reese leaned forward in her chair. She gave Alex a brilliant smile. “She hasn’t stopped talking about how Alex did this and Alex did that. And she is right, you were very kind and I am very grateful. I called but your secretary told me that you were out for the week so…”

  Alex just looked at the woman in front of her, mesmerized by the voice.

  Reese looked down as she blushed. “I know I wasn’t very nice to you in the hospital that day. I guess...I’m not used to kindness for kindness’ sake.” She looked up again.

  Alex was struck by the vulnerability in the woman’s eyes, and she found it difficult not to be moved. She found herself wondering what had happened to this beautiful woman to make those eyes become so guarded and fearful. Alex said nothing as she continued to stare at the woman.

  “I wanted to come before today but...” Reese trailed off.

  Alex was staring, saying nothing.

  “Look, I’m sorry to have bothered you. I just wanted to thank you.” A visibly upset Reese got up and started walking toward the door.

  “Wait!”

  Reese turned around and came face-to-face with Alex, who had rushed out from behind her desk to reach her.

  “Please, don’t go,” said Alex. “Please?” She reached out and touched Reese’s arm.

  Both women stood at arm’s length, staring at each other.

  “Alex, I just wanted to thank you. I can see that you are a very busy person,” Reese said nervously and held her hand out in a gesture of goodbye as she took a step back.

  Alex took it and again they both felt the jolt.

  “Would you like to have lunch with me?” asked Alex without breaking contact.

  “Yes, yes, I would.”

  †

  Reese walked into her house and as she was hanging up her coat smiled to herself thinking about the time she had just spent having lunch with Alex. It had been so long since she had met someone she liked. Alex was such a paradox. But a mystery, that for some reason, she thought was worth taking a chance on. The woman was incredibly distant one minute and then her eyes would tell another story. Yes, Alexandra Masters was indeed an interesting puzzle to solve.

  Reese walked into her living room and sat down, folding her legs under her as she sat on her sofa.

  “Who are you, Alexandra Masters? And why do I feel such a connection to you?” Reese asked aloud. “There is so much strength in you and yet...there is so much sadness. What happened to you, Alex?”

  Reese was lost in her daydreams when she was brought back to reality by the ringing of her telephone.

  †

  Lunch had been wonderful. Alex went back to the office after dropping Reese off at home since her car was still in the shop for repairs. She had enjoyed herself. It had been so long since she had just gone out to lunch simply just to be with someone.

  Reese and the way they connected fascinated her. They had talked for hours. Reese had asked her no personal questions, almost as if she knew not to ask any. Instead, they talked about the things they enjoyed and the books and the movies they both liked. Alex slowly relaxed and eased into the experience. She found something in those gentle eyes that when they looked at her they touched something inside her so deeply that she could not explain. A smile gradually appeared on her face and stayed.

  She sat behind her desk for the rest of the day and somehow managed not to get any work done.

  †

  For two days, Alex kept telling herself the only reason she could not get Reese out of her mind was that it had been such a traumatic meeting. On the third day, she picked up the phone and dialed.

  “Hi, Reese. This is Alexandra Masters,” she finally managed to say when Reese answered.

  “Alex, hi!”

  “I remember you telling me that you were going to be free this weekend and well...there is this movie I wanted to see and I figured that maybe...”

  “Yes, I would love to, Alex!” a very enthusiastic Reese answered.

  “Oh, great!” Alex finally breathed normally.

  “Hey, how about if we meet here for dinner before the movie?” asked Reese.

  “Sure, that sounds great. I’ll see you Saturday then.”

  “Till Saturday, Alex.”

  “Oh, Reese?”

  “Yes?

  “What time? Dinner I mean?” Alex finally asked and they both began laughing.

  †

  By the time Saturday arrived, Alex was a nervous wreck. She had tried on numerous blouses and slacks. She found some fault with each one. Finally, she sat down on her bed in exasperation.

  “What am I doing?” she asked herself out loud. “I am acting like a teenager on her first date. She is just a woman I met. Under bizarre circumstances granted…but, it doesn’t merit this.” She shook her head in confusion.

  After giving herself the speech about how little this all meant to her at least half a dozen times she started going through her closet yet again. Finally, she settled on a pair of navy blue slacks and a cream V-neck sweater. She checked her hair and her makeup at least five times more than usual, picked up her coat, car keys, and purse, and walked out her door a mere two hours later.

  †

  Reese had been running around all day as well, telling herself to just keep it simple. It was just going to be dinner and then going to see a movie she reasoned. Carly had gone to stay with a friend for a sleepover so she didn’t have to worry about when they would get back from the movies. Alex arrived at Reese’s house promptly at five. She pulled her black cashmere coat closer to her, fighting the cold wind as she walked up to the front door. She hesitated for a moment then knocked waiting only a second before the door swung open.

  Reese’s face filled with a huge bright smile as she pulled Alex in by her arm. “Hurry in here, you silly goose. You look like you’re half frozen already,” she said to Alex playfully.

  “Yes, I am half frozen,” Alex answered soberly, shaking from the cold.

  “Here, give me your coat and let’s go sit near the fire.” She helped Alex off with her coat and pointed to the fireplace. Alex walked slowly toward the roaring fire; she looked around the room and found it pleasing. She liked the soothing cream colors and the plush, overstuffed furniture. It was a lovely room she told herself; somehow it was just like Reese.

  The warmth from the fire was comforting. She found herself mesmerized by the flames. Her attention focused on them, she took in a deep breath and relaxed. It occurred to her, at that moment, that by just standing in front of the fire that she felt a sense of peace that she had lost so long ago. What she felt at that moment was very simple. She felt good. So lost in her thoughts, she didn’t hear Reese come into the room. Reese’s house felt like a home. She remembered that she once had that and in one instant, it was all gone.

  †

  Reese quietly sat down to the side of where Alex was standing and just looked at her. Alex was so beautiful. Her first memories of the woman were hazy and brief. She recalled her at the car, in the hospital for a very short time, and the morning when Alex brought Carly back to her. In some ways, all the visions she had of Alex were different, and yet, somehow they all made up who Alex was. If she had to describe Alex, it would be aloof, controlled, and confident…but there was more, so much more, she had also had a brief look at the insecure and lonely woman that day during their lunch t
ogether.

  Reese sat lost in watching Alex—very much like the flames had captivated Alex. Reese had been enthralled to the point of speechlessness with Alex’s beauty, then with her spirit, and finally with the woman who guarded herself against the world. Her lunch with Alex a week earlier had been very informative. Alex was a private person and she carried a great pain. Reese remembered the look of it every time she spoke of family or of Carly. Alex spoke of nothing personal. Reese picked up the cues and, after a while, she said nothing personal either. Her reward, the woman opened up. After that, the time just flew and she was allowed to see a curious, bright, sensitive woman who was lonely. And now, here was Alex in her living room, lost in her thoughts. At least this way she could look at her and admire her beauty without worrying about being caught staring.

  Reese had been attracted to her from the very first moment. However, she was not sure if Alex felt the same way. There were looks exchanged and nuances; sometimes such things could be misinterpreted. Yet, she hoped. She had never felt such a strong attraction to anyone. She had been alone for so long, thinking only of Carly.

  Meeting Alex brought back all the things she missed, but hadn’t realized she missed until they met. Alex was so beautiful just standing there. All she had thought about since the woman’s call was the Alex during lunch, the Alex who rescued her, the Alex who had been so loving with Carly, the Alex who was so vulnerable. Alex, Alex, Alex.

  God, she thought she would die if she didn’t kiss Alex. Almost as if her thoughts had been expressed aloud Alex turned and stared at her.

  “I’m sorry. I guess I just got lost in the fire,” she said, smiling at Reese dreamily.

  “Here,” Reese patted the sofa, “come and sit down.”

  “This is a lovely room. It’s warm and welcoming,” Alex said as she looked around.

  “Thank you. Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Oh, sure…that would be nice. A Diet Coke if you have one.”

  “Okay, coming up,” Reese said as she left the room.

  Alex sat back and allowed her head to lie back, hoping to rest for a moment. It had been such a long time since she had just relaxed. She remembered thinking I am just going to put my head back for a minute and as she closed her eyes, she drifted into sleep.

  Reese walked back into the room and stopped in front of the sleeping woman. She put the soft drink on the coffee table and went back into the kitchen to check on dinner. She returned to the room several times and found Alex resting so peacefully that she didn’t have the heart to wake her. Reese guessed it probably had been a long time since Alex was able to just sleep like that.

  Dinnertime came and went as Alex slept. Reese put another log on the fire, sat down next to Alex on the sofa, and decided to read a book. As the time passed, her eyes also became heavy and sleep overtook her as well.

  †

  The sound of whimpers woke Reese. Reese looked at Alex who appeared to be having a nightmare. Alex then began sobbing. “No...no…please no…” Alex kept repeating.

  Reese moved closer and caressed her face hoping to soothe her. Reese could not help but notice how soft Alex’s skin was to her touch.

  “Alex, wake up, it’s only a dream,” she said softly into Alex’s ear.

  Alex seemed not to hear and progressively became more agitated.

  Reese shook her a little bit, as she got even closer to her. “Alex, wake up.” Reese repeated a bit louder than before.

  Alex’s eyes fluttered open. She had a look of such grief in her eyes and as soon as their eyes met Alex’s filled with tears that just overflowed. Reese took her into her embrace and held her tightly as Alex began to sob even harder.

  “It was only a dream, sweetheart. You’re safe. It was only a dream,” murmured Reese into Alex’s ear softly. She didn’t know how long she held her until her sobs began to slow then stop. She kept reassuring Alex as she stroked her hair. After a while, she realized that Alex was breathing normally again.

  †

  Alex lifted her head slowly wondering about the connection she had with Reese. She had cried her eyes out in front of a virtual stranger when even her family had been unable to comfort her. And yet, Reese made her feel comfortable and confident. She gave into the sense of familiarity. When Alex’s eyes searched Reese’s eyes, they were completely vulnerable and open. She hid nothing of herself.

  Reese was struck with the openness of Alex’s eyes and in return, her eyes said so much that it seemed natural to lean forward and kiss Alex’s lips.

  Alex had seen her leaning in slowly and was unable to break the connection as Reese’s lips met hers. Warmth spread all over her body. Her eyes closed as she leaned into the kiss, her lips opened, welcoming Reese further into the kiss.

  Soft lips asked and the plea was answered and the kiss progressively became more demanding. What began as a soft kiss became passion-filled, with a hunger and longing that neither woman had planned or expected.

  A moan escaped Reese’s throat as her hands began to pull Alex closer to her.

  Alex reached for Reese also and then quite suddenly she pushed her away as the horror of what they had just shared hit her. She stood up to put distance between her and Reese, almost tripping over her own two feet as she was backing away.

  “Alex, wait…” Reese said, her hand reaching out to Alex.

  “No, I don’t want this. I...I’m sorry, but I don’t want this,” Alex said, her eyes darting all over the room in desperation. “Where is my coat...I have to go.”

  “Alex, wait, please don’t rush off like this. We can talk about this,” begged Reese as she got up and walked toward her.

  “Look, there is nothing to discuss. I don’t want this. You should not have kissed me!” she said in a louder voice.

  “I don’t remember you pushing me away,” answered Reese sarcastically.

  “You got me here under false pretenses!” accused Alex.

  “You forget; you are the one that called me, Alex!”

  “Where is my coat, damn it!”

  Reese went to the closet, took out the coat, walked over and handed it to Alex trying to control her temper. “Here, run away, Alex.”

  “Listen, I am not running from anything, I am not that way, okay!” she exclaimed, reacting in anger at what Reese was implying.

  “You certainly were giving me all the right signals!” Reese shot right back at her.

  “I was not!” Alex exclaimed in indignation.

  “You invited me to lunch, you invited me to the movies, you accepted my dinner invitation…and Alex, you kissed me back!” Reese told her as she counted with her fingers, staring at Alex for an answer.

  Alex remained silent, took her coat and put it on with quick, jerking motions. As she was about to walk out the door she looked briefly at Reese, she opened and closed her mouth as if to say something then she simply turned and left, slamming the door behind her.

  †

  How could this have happened? kept repeating in Alex’s head.

  “No way!” She started talking to herself out loud as she paced her living room floor. “I never encouraged her. People have lunch all the time. Jesus! They go out to the movies and they don’t end up...” She paced some more. “But...they don’t end up kissing.” She stopped pacing and just stared out the window. She shook her head incredulously. What had she done? How had she gotten herself into something like this?

  She walked over to the telephone hesitated only for an instant and then picked it up. She dialed and waited for the person on the other side to pick up.

  “Hello?”

  “Katherine?” She spoke softly.

  “Alexandra, is that you?”

  “Yes, it’s me. How are you?” Her voice sounded strained even to herself.

  “Alexandra, what’s wrong?”

  “Kate, I need to see you...” she said barely above a whisper.

  “Alex, I’m on my way.”

  The line went dead and Alex hung up the telephon
e. She sat down in her dark living room and waited for her sister.

  Chapter 4

  “Well, Alex, you should be flattered!” said Elliot.

  “Thank you, Elliot.”

  “That was some compliment Peter gave you at dinner last night.”

  “Which one?” She laughed.

  “Yeah, very funny. I have to admit I never thought you would pull it off,” he said to her.

  Alex looked at him quite seriously. A bit peeved, she asked. “You doubted my ability?”

  “Never your ability, Alex. I just never thought you were the jugular type.” He faced her, getting ready for what was to come.

  “I go into trial to win, Elliot. That’s my job. I’m sorry if my winning this case disappointed you,” she finished sarcastically.

  “What the hell is happening with you, Alex?”

  “What the fuck are you talking about, Elliot? Why is it that you are forever acting like my father?”

  “I guess I miss the old Alex,” he said softly.

  “Well, she’s gone…so get over it.”

  “Don’t you care about anything or anyone anymore? What has gotten into you? Yes, you won that case, Alex, but you were ruthless. That old man didn’t need to be humiliated by all those things you brought out in court yesterday. I am not only talking to you as your friend but as one of the partners in this firm.”

  “I won, Elliot,” she stated plainly.

  “Yes, you won Alex. How do you feel?” he said and then walked out of her office.

  †