The Fredric Brown Megapack

by Brown, Fredric

  So when he went to work that day he took his time machine with him in a camera case and left it in his locker. When they closed at nine he hid out in the stock room and waited an hour till he was sure everyone else had left. Then he got the time machine from his locker and went with it to the safe.

  He set the machine for eleven hours ahead—and then had a second thought. That setting would take him to nine o’clock the next morning. The safe would click open then, but the store would be opening too and there’d be people around. So instead he set the machine for twenty-four hours, took hold of the handle of the safe and then pressed the button on the time machine.

  At first he thought nothing had happened. Then he found that the handle of the safe worked when he turned it and he knew that he’d made the jump to evening of the next day. And of course the time mechanism of the safe had unlocked it en route. He opened the safe and took all the paper money in it, stuffing it into various pockets.

  He went to the alley door to let himself out, but before he reached for the bolt that kept it locked from the inside he had a sudden brilliant thought. If instead of leaving by a door he left by using his time machine he’d not only increase the mystery by leaving the store tightly locked, but he’d be taking himself back in time as well as in place to the moment of his completing the time machine, a day and a half before the robbery.

  And by the time the robbery took place he could be soundly alibied; he’d be staying at a hotel in Florida or California, in either case over a thousand miles from the scene of the crime. He hadn’t thought of his time machine as a producer of alibis, but now he saw that it was perfect for the purpose.

  He dialed his time machine to zero and pressed the button.

  III

  When Eustace Weaver invented his time machine he knew that he had the world by the tail on a downhill pull, as long as he kept his invention a secret. By playing the races and the stock market he could make himself fabulously wealthy in no time at all. The only catch was that he was flat broke.

  Suddenly he remembered the store where he worked and the safe in it that worked with a time lock. A time lock should be no sweat at all for a man who had a time machine.

  He sat down on the edge of his bed to think. He reached into his pocket for his cigarettes and pulled them out—but with them came paper money, a handful of ten-dollar bills! He tried other pockets and found money in each and every one. He stacked it on the bed beside him, and by counting the big bills and estimating the smaller ones, he found he had approximately fourteen hundred dollars.

  Suddenly he realized the truth, and laughed. He had already gone forward in time and emptied the supermarket safe and then had used the time machine to return to the point in time where he had invented it. And since the burglary had not yet, in normal time, occurred, all he had to do was get the hell out of town and be a thousand miles away from the scene of the crime when it did happen.

  Two hours later he was on a plane bound for Los Angeles—and the Santa Anita track—and doing some heavy thinking. One thing that he had not anticipated was the apparent fact that when he took a jaunt into the future and came back he had no memory of whatever it was that hadn’t happened yet.

  But the money had come back with him. So, then, would notes written to himself, or Racing Forms or financial pages from newspapers? It would work out.

  In Los Angeles he took a cab downtown and checked in at a good hotel. It was late evening by then and he briefly considered jumping himself into the next day to save waiting time, but he realized that he was tired and sleepy. He went to bed and slept until almost noon the next day.

  His taxi got tangled in a jam on the freeway so he didn’t get to the track at Santa Anita until the first race was over but he was in time to read the winner’s number on the tote board and to check it on his dope sheet. He watched five more races, not betting but checking the winner of each race and decided not to bother with the last race. He left the grandstand and walked around behind and under it, a secluded spot where no one could see him. He set the dial of his time machine two hours back, and pressed the stud.

  But nothing happened. He tried again with the same result and then a voice behind him said, “It won’t work. It’s in a deactivating field.”

  He whirled around and there standing right behind him were two tall, slender young men, one blond and the other dark, and each of them with a hand in one pocket as though holding a weapon.

  “We are Time Police,” the blond one said, “from the twenty-fifth century. We have come to punish you for illegal use of a time machine.”

  “B-b-but,” Weaver sputtered, “h-how could I have known that racing was—” His voice got a little stronger. “Besides, I haven’t made any bets yet.”

  “That is true,” the blond young man said. “And when we find any inventor of a time machine using it to win at any form of gambling, we give him warning the first time. But we’ve traced you back and find out your very first use of the time machine was to steal money from a store. And that is a crime in any century.” He pulled from his pocket something that looked vaguely like a pistol.

  Eustace Weaver took a step backward. “Y-you don’t mean—”

  “I do mean,” said the blond young man, and he pulled the trigger. And this time, with the machine deactivated, it was the end for Eustace Weaver.

  RECONCILIATION

  The night outside was still and starry. The living room of the house was tense. The man and the woman in it stood a few feet apart, glaring hatred at each other.

  The man’s fists were clenched as though he wished to use them, and the woman’s fingers were spread and curved like claws, but each held his arms rigidly at his sides. They were being civilized.

  Her voice was low. “I hate you,” she said. “I’ve come to hate everything about you.”

  “Of course you do,” he said. “Now that you’ve bled me white with your extravagances, now that I can’t any longer buy every silly thing that your selfish little heart—”

  “It isn’t that. You know it isn’t that. If you still treated me like you used to, you know that money wouldn’t matter. It’s that—that woman.”

  He sighed as one sighs who hears a thing for the ten thousandth time. “You know,” he said, “that she didn’t mean a thing to me, not a damn thing. You drove me to—what I did. And even if it didn’t mean a damn thing, I’m not sorry. I’d do it again.

  “You will do it again, as often as you get a chance. But I won’t be around to be humiliated by it. Humiliated before my friends—”

  “Friends! Those vicious bitches whose nasty opinions matter more to you than—”

  Blinding flash and searing heat. They knew, and each of them took a sightless step toward the other with groping arms; each held desperately tight to the other in the second that remained to them, the final second that was all that mattered now.

  “Oh my darling—I love—”

  “John, John, my sweet—” The shock wave came.

  Outside in what had been the quiet night a red flower grew and yearned toward the canceled sky.

  NOTHING SIRIUS

  Happily, I was taking the last coins out of our machines and counting them while Ma entered the figures in the little red book as I called them out. Nice figures they were.

  Yes, we’d had a good play on both of the Sirian planets, Thor and Freda. Especially on Freda. Those little Earth colonies out there are starved to death for entertainment of any kind, and money doesn’t mean a thing to them. They’d stood in line to get into our tent and push their coins into our machines—so even with the plenty-high expenses of the trip we’d done all right by ourselves.

  Yes, they were right comforting, those figures Ma was entering. Of course she’d add them up wrong, but then Ellen would straighten it out when Ma finally gave up. Ellen’s good at figures. And got a good
one herself, even if I do say it of my only daughter. Credit for that goes to Ma anyway, not to me. I’m built on the general lines of a space tug.

  I put back the coin box of the Rocket-Race and looked up. “Ma—” I started to say. Then the door of the pilot’s compartment opened and John Lane stood there. Ellen, across the table from Ma, put down her book and looked up too. She was all eyes and they were shining.

  Johnny saluted smartly, the regulation salute which a private ship pilot is supposed to give the owner and captain of the ship. It always got under my skin, that salute, but I couldn’t talk him out of it because the rules said he should do it.

  He said, “Object ahead, Captain Wherry.”

  “Object?” I queried. “What kind of object?”

  You see, from Johnny’s voice and Johnny’s face you couldn’t guess whether it meant anything or not. Mars City Polytech trains ’em to be strictly deadpan and Johnny had graduated magna cum laude. He’s a nice kid but he’d announce the end of the world in the same tone of voice he’d use to announce dinner, if it was a pilot’s job to announce dinner.

  “It seems to be a planet, sir,” was all he said. It took quite a while for his words to sink in.

  “A planet?” I asked, not particularly brilliantly. I stared at him, hoping that he’d been drinking or something. Not because I had any objections to his seeing a planet sober but because if Johnny ever unbent to the stage of taking a few drinks, the alky would probably dissolve some of the starch out of his backbone. Then I’d have someone to swap stories with. It gets lonesome traveling through space with only two women and a Polytech grad who follows all the rules.

  “A planet, sir. An object of planetary dimensions, I should say. Diameter about three thousand miles, distance two million, course apparently an orbit about the star Sirius A.”

  “Johnny,” I said, “we’re inside the orbit of Thor, which is Sirius I, which means it’s the first planet of Sirius, and how can there be a planet inside of that? You wouldn’t be kidding me, Johnny?”

  “You may inspect the viewplate, sir, and check my calculations,” he replied stiffly.

  I got up and went into the pilot’s compartment. There was a disk in the center of the forward viewplate, all right. Checking his calculations was something else again. My mathematics end at checking coins out of coin machines. But I was willing to take his word for the calculations. “Johnny,” I almost shouted, “we’ve discovered a new planet! Ain’t that something?”

  “Yes, sir,” he commented, in his usual matter-of-fact voice.

  It was something, but not too much. I mean, the Sirius system hasn’t been colonized long and it wasn’t too surprising that a little three-thousand-mile planet hadn’t been noticed yet. Especially as (although this wasn’t known then) its orbit is very eccentric.

  There hadn’t been room for Ma and Ellen to follow us into the pilot’s compartment, but they stood looking in, and I moved to one side so they could see the disk in the viewplate.

  “How soon do we get there, Johnny?” Ma wanted to know.

  “Our point of nearest approach on this course will be within two hours, Mrs. Wherry,” he replied. “We come within half a million miles of it.”

  “Oh, do we?” I wanted to know.

  “Unless, sir, you think it advisable to change course and give it more clearance.”

  I gave clearance to my throat instead and looked at Ma and Ellen and saw that it would be okay by them. “Johnny,” I said, “we’re going to give it less clearance. I’ve always hankered to see a new planet untouched by human hands. We’re going to land there, even if we can’t leave the ship without oxygen masks.”

  He said, “Yes, sir,” and saluted, but I thought there was a bit of disapproval in his eyes. Oh, if there had been, there was cause for it. You never know what you’ll run into busting into virgin territory out here. A cargo of canvas and slot machines isn’t the proper equipment for exploring, is it?

  But the Perfect Pilot never questions an owner’s orders, dog-gone him! Johnny sat down and started punching keys on the calculator and we eased out to let him do it.

  “Ma,” I said, “I’m a blamed fool.”

  “You would be if you weren’t,” she came back. I grinned when I got that sorted out, and looked at Ellen.

  But she wasn’t looking at me. She had that dreamy look in her eyes again. It made me want to go into the pilot’s compartment and take a poke at Johnny to see if it would wake him up. “Listen, honey,” I said, “that Johnny—”

  But something burned the side of my face and I knew it was Ma looking at me, so I shut up. I got out a deck of cards and played solitaire until we landed.

  Johnny popped out of the pilot’s compartment and saluted. “Landed, sir,” he said. “Atmosphere one-oh-sixteen on the gauge.”

  “And what,” Ellen asked, “does that mean in English?”

  “It’s breathable, Miss Wherry. A bit high in nitrogen and low in oxygen compared to Earth air, but nevertheless definitely breathable.”

  He was a caution, that young man was, when it came to being precise. “Then what are we waiting for?” I wanted to know. “Your orders, sir.”

  “Shucks with my orders, Johnny. Let’s get the door open and get going.”

  We got the door open. Johnny stepped outside first, strapping on a pair of heatojectors as he went. The rest of us were right behind him.

  It was cool outside, but not cold. The landscape looked just like Thor, with bare rolling hills of hard-baked greenish clay. There was plant life, a brownish bushy stuff that looked a little like tumbleweed.

  I took a look up to gauge the time and Sirius was almost at zenith, which meant Johnny had landed us smack in the middle of the day side. “Got any idea, Johnny,” I asked, “what the period of rotation is?”

  “I had time only for a rough check, sir. It came out twenty-one hours and seventeen minutes.”

  Rough check, he had said.

  Ma said, “That’s rough enough for us. Gives us a full afternoon for a walk, and what are we waiting for?”

  “For the ceremony, Ma,” I told her. “We got to name the place don’t we? And where did you put that bottle of champagne we were saving for my birthday? I reckon this is a more important occasion than that is.”

  She told me where, and I went and got it and some glasses. “Got any suggestions for a name, Johnny? You saw it first.”

  “No, sir.”

  I said, “Trouble is that Thor and Freda are named wrong now. I mean, Thor is Sirius I and Freda is Sirius II, and since this orbit is inside theirs, they ought to be II and III respectively. Or else this ought to be Sirius O. Which means it’s Nothing Sirius.”

  Ellen smiled and I think Johnny would have except that it would have been undignified.

  But Ma frowned. “William—” she said, and would have gone on in that vein if something hadn’t happened.

  Something looked over the top of the nearest hill. Ma was the only one facing that way and she let out a whoop and grabbed me. Then we all turned and looked.

  It was the head of something that looked like an ostrich, only it must have been bigger than an elephant. Also there was a collar and a blue polka-dot bow tie around the thin neck of the critter, and it wore a hat. The hat was bright yellow and had a long purple feather. The thing looked at us a minute, winked quizzically, and then pulled its head back.

  None of us said anything for a minute and then I took a deep breath. “That,” I said, “tears it, right down the middle. Planet, I dub thee Nothing Sirius.”

  I bent down and hit the neck of the champagne bottle against the clay and it just dented the clay and wouldn’t break. I looked around for a rock to hit it on. There wasn’t any rock.

  I took out a corkscrew from my pocket and opened the bottle instead. We all had a dri
nk except Johnny, who took only a token sip because he doesn’t drink or smoke. Me, I had a good long one. Then I poured a brief libation on the ground and recorked the bottle; I had a hunch that I might need it more than the planet did. There was lots of whiskey in the ship and some Martian green-brew but no more champagne. I said, “Well, here we go.”

  I caught Johnny’s eye and he said, “Do you think it wise, in view of the fact that there are—uh—inhabitants?”

  “Inhabitants?” I said. “Johnny, whatever that thing that stuck its head over the hill was, it wasn’t an inhabitant. And if it pops up again, I’ll conk it over the head with this bottle.”

  But just the same, before we started out, I went inside the Chitterling and got a couple more heatojectors. I stuck one in my belt and gave Ellen the other; she’s a better shot than I am. Ma couldn’t hit the side of an administration building with a spray-gun, so I didn’t give her one.

  We started off, and sort of by mutual consent, we went the other direction from where we’d seen the whatever-it-was. The hills all looked alike for a while and as soon as we were over the first one, we were out of sight of the Chitterling. But I noticed Johnny studying a wrist-compass every couple of minutes, and I knew he’d know the way home.

  Nothing happened for three hills and then Ma said, “Look,” and we looked.

  About twenty yards to our left there was a purple bush. There was a buzzing sound coming from it. We went a little closer and saw that the buzzing came from a lot of things that were flying around the bush. They looked like birds until you looked a second time and then you saw that their wings weren’t moving. But they zoomed up and down and around just the same. I tried to look at their heads, but where the heads ought to be there was only a blur. A circular blur.