Love in Dublin

by Jennifer Gracen

  God, she’d been so happy. So in love with her husband. Though a glance at the date showed this was from eight years ago; they weren’t married yet. They were just at the beginning of their journey together, the world their oyster, their whole lives in front of them. A hint of nausea churned in Colin’s stomach, knowing how the story ended.

  His stomach twisted harder as he watched the dead man talk. An amiable young man so full of life… it actually made Colin’s gut hurt. After a few minutes, Zack gave the camera a thumbs up, Maggie waved goodbye, and the video ended.

  “Good enough, I guess,” Stephen said.

  “Whoever he is, he’s dreamy as bloody hell,” Roisin sighed.

  Colin swallowed hard. His nerves buzzed and the hair on the back of his neck prickled. It was as if he’d seen a ghost… and really, hadn’t he? “That was her husband,” he said gruffly. “He died a few years ago. Car accident. She travels alone now.”

  Roisin’s eyes flew wide. Stephen’s lips flattened into a thin line as he tapped his phone, turning off the app.

  “That’s so horrible,” Roisin whispered.

  “Yes. But Maggie’s fine,” Colin said. He drew a long breath. No doubt about it; seeing Zack Spencer had spooked him. “It’s tragic. But actually, she’s one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. Seems fearless.”

  “It’s just so sad,” Roisin said. “I mean… did you see them? They were only a few years older than us there. Could you see how obviously in love they were?”

  Colin swallowed hard. “Aye, they seemed happy.”

  “Happy? They were like something out of a movie. Oh God, that poor man. Poor her.” Roisin sighed again, but not with longing this time. With sadness. “He must have been so young when he died if she’s only thirty now. It’s just so awful.”

  “Calm yourself,” Stephen said. “Ya don’t even know them, why get yourself so worked up?”

  Roisin rolled her eyes at her brother. “You have no heart.”

  “Sure I do. I just don’t let it get all twisted up over people I don’t know.”

  “Good Lord, Stephen. Can’t you feel for someone, just because they’re human? That gorgeous man died.” Roisin shook her head at him, then turned her mournful gaze back to her father. “How does someone get over that? I can’t imagine what she…”

  Colin sipped his drink, trying to ease the tightness inside his chest. He didn’t know if Maggie was over it. He’d never dared to ask. But in spite of her positivity, something told him the answer was that she never would be over it, not completely.

  All the sunlight and sparkle he saw in her… he knew now it was different. Still genuine, just altered somehow. Because seeing the younger, married to the love of her life Maggie… that girl had exuded light and love in a way he’d never seen in anyone. That light was real, that was pure. And that pure light had likely been extinguished, eventually replaced by the kind of light that was found again from deep inside, just as natural, but one found again through strength and time. Just as deep, but without… innocence. Maggie had moved on with her life, survived and even thrived, but she was forever changed. Colin knew that now, as much as he’d ever known anything.

  It made him feel dark and heavy inside.

  “I feel for her loss too,” he finally said. “I can’t imagine it either. It’s a testament to her strength and will, I suppose. She’s made a good life for herself.”

  “Yes, but alone,” Roisin said. “She must feel so alone.”

  Colin gazed at her. Again he wondered when his girl had gotten so bloody insightful. “You’re a big softy. And a good girl. I love your heart, Roisin.”

  She smiled softly, but Stephen snorted in disdain. “She’s no good girl, she’s a pain in the arse.”

  Roisin smacked her brother’s shoulder and they started to bicker lightly.

  Colin watched them and felt something new snake through him. Gratitude. He knew what it was to feel alone, he had for years. But at least he wasn’t truly alone, when it came down to it; he had his children. He had his extended family. What did Maggie have? Yes, she’d seen the world, and he envied her that. But at the end of it, all she truly had were memories. She was alone in the world, first by choice, then by fate. He couldn’t help it, he felt sorry for her. The more he thought about the pain of her losing her husband, tried to imagine what she’d gone through, the more it ate at him.

  Later that night, Colin couldn’t sleep. He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, his mind full of speculation and questions that fed into more questions. Did Maggie feel more alone than she let on, or had she come to a place of acceptance and was truly happy to jet across the globe by herself? Did she ever think of having a family of her own? Kids? A house? Somewhere to hang her hat? Or was she planning on just traveling continuously for the rest of her life? Did she truly want to be a rootless nomad, or did she want more?

  But who was he to say ‘more’? What was ‘more,’ really? Kids and a house weren’t the end game goals for some people. Some people truly hated to be tied down, as they saw it. Maybe Maggie was one of them. Maybe she wasn’t. He wanted to know.

  His mind was consumed by her.

  He couldn’t get the sight of that young, bright, loving couple out of his head.

  He’d seen love like that. It had never belonged to him, of course. But it had happened to his brothers. Gavin and Aidan looked at their wives like that, and Toni and Maura gazed back at them with the same open, obvious affection. It had gotten under Colin’s skin like a pinprick at Gavin and Toni’s wedding. He’d been startled by it, the love he saw between them. It made him envious, deep down.

  Then Aidan, the young charmer who’d dated half the women in Dublin, had been taken down by his love for Maura. Apparently he’d been secretly in love with her the whole time they’d been friends, and after a decade, it’d turned into the kind of deep, devotional bond that people wrote about in fairy tales.

  Before that, Colin had suspected maybe love itself was a fairy tale. Or, after years of loneliness within his marriage, convinced himself of that. Then a one-two punch—first Gavin, then Aidan—had made him see love like that was real. It was the last straw for Colin. He couldn’t pretend anymore. Seething with resentment and aching with longing, he’d gotten utterly drunk at Aidan and Maura’s reception… and the next morning, approached Trish about divorcing. He didn’t know if he’d ever find the kind of love like his brothers had. He only knew he owed it, both to himself and to Trish, to be free to try.

  Now he’d seen that in Maggie and Zack Spencer. And knowing how their story had ended made him ache for her… for them both, really. What a cruel, cruel thing for people who felt that way to be separated, and so damn young at that.

  Colin grunted, flipped his pillow to the cool side, and rolled over again. Who was better off, Maggie or himself? Someone who’d known great love and lost it, or someone who’d never known it at all so hadn’t endured that devastating loss? And was the correct term better off, or worse off?

  Colin wasn’t sure who had it worse. He’d never known true romantic love, destined by his actions and choices to go through the motions for years, feeling more empty and lonely with each passing year. She’d known a soul mate, a deeply passionate love, and lost it. No, actually, she hadn’t lost it—it’d been cruelly taken from her.

  How did she cope with that? How had she healed?

  He wanted to know because… he wanted to fully heal too. Maybe she had answers that had eluded him…

  And why did he care? Why did he feel so much for someone he barely knew, when for so long he hadn’t felt much of anything? He didn’t want to look at that too closely. He just knew he couldn’t stop thinking of her. She fascinated him.

  He wanted to hold her. And be held by her. Fantasies of them together, naked in bed at night, just holding each other close, filled his head. Hands smoothing over soft skin with soothing gentleness as they lay quietly, taking comfort in each other’s arms…

  It was well past two a.m. by the
time Colin’s whirring brain slowed enough to allow him to finally fall asleep.

  Chapter Seven

  Maggie and Colin sat side by side on the bus, both with e-readers in their hands. It was cloudy out, with cool winds blowing across the acres of green that whirred by beyond the windows. Good travel conditions for the three plus hour bus trip to the Cliffs of Moher, and Maggie was grateful. But she kept stealing glances at her traveling companion. Her eyes lingered along his profile, his strong, clean shaven jaw and the creases at the corners of his eyes. The little pucker between his brows as he frowned had returned. Colin was back to being the quiet, reserved man she’d originally met a few weeks ago, and she’d noticed. Something had shifted in him since she’d seen him on Tuesday night, and she wasn’t sure why. It was palpable.

  The small talk was still there, but she’d caught him staring at her a few times. Not just staring, but studying her, searching with his intense gaze as if he were trying to find something, piece a puzzle together. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence that had settled between them, but something was clearly up with him, and she couldn’t take another minute. She was always direct.

  “Is everything okay with you?” she asked.

  His marine-blue eyes lifted from his ereader to meet hers. “Pardon?”

  “You’re different,” she said evenly. “I noticed it last night at the pub, but chalked it up to us both being tired. Nope. You’re different today too.”

  “Different how?” His frown deepened.

  “You’re holding back on me again. Like in the beginning, before we’d gotten to know each other.” Maggie turned a bit in her seat to better hold his gaze. “If I’ve done something that bothered you, I wish you’d tell me. If something’s wrong, I’d like to know.”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” he insisted, but something flashed behind his eyes.

  “You’re lying.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Something’s bothering you. You came on this weekend trip anyway, but something’s bothering you.” Her head angled as she studied his features, looking for an in. “If it’s not something I’ve done, but something else is going on, maybe you could talk to me about it. I’m a good listener.”

  His lips pressed into a flat, thin line as his eyes searched hers. Then he sighed and murmured, “Just have some things on my mind, Maggie.”

  “Talking might help.”

  “I’m not a big talker.”

  “I know. Maybe you should get better at that.” She tried to lighten the moment by placing her hand on his forearm and giving it a gentle squeeze. His eyes tracked her movement before lifting to her face again. “Try me.”

  He gazed at her for so long, it almost made her look away. But she waited.

  “I have some questions,” he said. “But the thing of it is, they’re really not my business to ask.”

  “Questions about me?”

  “Aye.”

  “Go ahead and ask. If I don’t want to answer, I won’t, but I’m pretty open. You know that.”

  He nodded, then cleared his throat as he rubbed his hands together. “Ehm… I don’t know how to start delicately.”

  “You don’t have to be delicate with me,” she said with a grin.

  “All right. The first week, once I started going places with ya… I read a lot of the entries on your website. Impressive. You’ve traveled extensively. You usually stay in a place from a week to a month, depending on the place. Correct?”

  “Correct.” She leaned back a bit, let her head rest against the leather seat.

  “It’s not appropriate to ask, it’s not my business, but I’m curious.” His voice dropped low, penitent. “How… how do you afford it? You seem to hop continuously from place to place, and unless you make a lot more writing for your travel blog than I can figure, I don’t know how you do it.”

  “Ah.” Maggie sat up straighter. “Okay. It’s a fair question.”

  “Is it?” Colin looked uncomfortable. “’Tis not my place to ask such a thing…”

  She loved his good manners; even when he was aloof or grouchy, they never faltered. So she leaned closer to speak quietly, not wanting the other passengers to hear. “I told you Zack and I were in a car accident.”

  Colin nodded, his eyes locked on hers.

  “We were in Savannah, Georgia. Stopped at a red light. We never saw him coming. The driver who hit us had fallen asleep at the wheel, hit us with a small truck.” She saw Colin cringe but kept talking. “The guy was on duty at the time, working for a huge international delivery company, you’ve probably heard of them… anyway. My family got a lawyer, we sued… long awful story short, I was awarded damages.”

  Colin took that in, then asked, “Enough to travel non-stop, I gather?”

  “Enough to do that, and whatever else, for as long as I want. I put some of it away, invested in things so I’ll have it one day when I’m old and alone. But yeah…” She decided she could tell him and leaned closer to whisper in his ear. “Five million dollars goes a long way.”

  Colin’s eyes flew wide. “Sweet Jesus.”

  “Funny thing is, I don’t think about it.” She leaned back, still speaking low. “I mean… okay, so I’m set for life. Great. But how do you put a price on a life snuffed out? The money didn’t bring my husband back.” She saw the mixture of wonder and empathy in Colin’s deep blue eyes as he listened to her. “But yes, it gave me the freedom to finish what he and I started together. To blog about traveling and to see the world. I like to think he’d be proud of what I’ve done.”

  “I’m sure he would be. I just… that’s… a hell of a thing,” Colin murmured. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. You asked a question, I answered it. Now you know.” She smiled softly and let her head drop against the seat again. “Anything else?”

  “Actually, yes, if that’s all right.”

  “Go for it,” she urged.

  But he didn’t right away. She waited, wondering what had him churning this way. Finally he said, so quietly she almost didn’t hear, “I saw videos of you and your husband. The original travel blog, the one you had together, not just the one you do now. Stephen found it the other night.”

  She hadn’t been expecting that. But she tried to keep her expression neutral as she pressed, “And… seeing that made you pull back from me for some reason. Why?”

  He blinked at her obviously correct assessment. Someone on the small bus coughed, and a bump in the road jostled them. He just kept looking at her.

  “Whatever’s on your mind,” Maggie said, “just say it.”

  Colin swallowed, ran a hand uneasily along the back of his neck. Then he put the ereader aside and turned to fully face her. “I was with the kids at dinner, and Stephen found your travel blog. I’d only seen your website with the written blog posts, your recent travels. He found the blog you had with your husband, the YouTube thing. And I…” To her amazement, he blushed a bit. “The next day, at work, I went back and watched a bunch of those videos. It was like I was compelled. Before I knew it, I’d been watching clips for almost two hours.” His blush deepened as he added gruffly, “Made me feel like a bloody stalker.”

  Maggie sat still, absorbing his words. “You’re not. You got curious. I would have been curious too. So go on.”

  His eyes fastened on hers as his voice dropped lower. “Seeing you with him… seeing Zack. It made me think about so many things. And I…” The flush on his cheeks deepened. “It hurt to look at you two.”

  Her mouth went dry. “Yeah, well, that’s why I don’t look. It hurts me too.”

  “You never look?”

  “No. Only on his birthday, or on the anniversary of his death. I spend the day locked in a hotel room, watching videos and crying my eyes out.” She didn’t admit that to many people, but something about Colin made her feel she could tell him such things. “The rest of the year, I don’t look. Not anymore. I used to, of course. That first year, I watched videos e
very day. It was part of the grieving process for me. But now it’s just…” She licked her dry lips. “It hurts less than it used to, but it’s easier for me if I don’t. I can’t move forward if I go back in time on a regular basis, you know?”

  “I can understand that.” Colin’s blue gaze was intense. “I don’t know how you dealt with that loss. How you healed. If you healed. And if you haven’t, you put on a damn good front, and I want to know… I just…” His eyes dropped to his hands. “It’s not my damn business, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About you, and him, and… it made me hurt for you, Maggie. It did. And I haven’t felt much in a long time, so to feel anything like that was just…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head. “I don’t want to bring up painful memories for you. Your pain is none of my business. I’m a bloody idiot. I’m sorry.”

  “No, you’re not an idiot, and don’t be sorry. It’s okay.” Her heart felt lodged in her throat, but she got the words out. “I appreciate your kind heart. Thank you for caring.”

  Colin blinked, then looked down at his hands.

  She smiled gently. “Ask me more, if there’s more. If I don’t want to answer, I won’t, but you can ask. I feel like there’s more in your head.”

  His eyes locked on hers again, searching. “How did you get over it?”

  “One day at a time,” she whispered. “Some days are harder than others, but I’ve found my groove again. Time, space, motion… new places and people. Not staying stuck in the past, being determined to keep moving and keep living. All of it helped.”

  The way Colin stared at her made her insides go all thick and warm, molten, like her organs had turned to lava. This conversation was bordering on emotional quicksand, but she was still skirting the edge, still on solid ground. She swallowed hard. “He’s gone. I’m still here. He wouldn’t want me stuck. And I don’t want to be stuck. That’s not honoring him. Living my life honors him.”