Oh Great, Now I Can Hear Dead People: What Would You Do if You Could Suddenly Hear Real Dead People?

by Deborah Durbin

  ‘Merry Christmas!’ he sings, ‘come on, it’s already getting warm out there.’

  ‘I only got to bed two bloody hours ago,’ I moan.

  ‘Stop moaning and get up, I’ve got you a present.’ Jack beams.

  Ooh, a pressie, now he’s got my attention.

  ‘Okay, okay, I’m getting up,’ I say as I roll out of my comfy hammock. Having never slept in a hammock before, I always imagined that it would be a very difficult thing to get the hang of. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Okay, so actually getting into the thing is a bit of a challenge, but once in there and so long as you don’t wriggle about too much, you are guaranteed a wonderful night (or two hours in my case) of slumber.

  ‘Good, but I’m afraid I lied… about the present…I haven’t really got you one. Santa said you haven’t really been a good girl this year,’ Jack laughs as he runs out of the room with me in hot pursuit in my new pink polka-dot pyjamas – a present from Valerie.

  As I chase Jack down the beach, fellow tourists who are already setting up their barbecues and getting their surfboards out, shout out various yuletide greetings. We both yell a few greetings back as I chase Jack into the foaming sea.

  ‘Why you…!’ I shout as he swims further out into the sea.

  How surreal is this? Here I am, the other side of the world, 6.30am on Christmas morning chasing my best friend into the ocean. It’s still Christmas Eve in the UK – how mad is that?

  ‘Yeah, that’s it, you run!’ I yell as Jack swims further out.

  In the distance a speedboat with Santa sitting in the back races past. Santa waves a cheery wave and heads off to a small island just off the coast where, as I understand it, he visits the kids before he returns to greet the tourists on the beach. Santa, or the Swag-Man as he’s known to the kids in Australia, hands out small gifts to the children who are visiting Australia as part of the Australian Tourist Boards initiative to attract more visitors during the festive season.

  Jack waves first to Santa, and then to me, from about fifty foot from the shore. I wave back. Jack waves again and then bobs under the water. I stand on tiptoes and shield my eyes from the sun and see Jack bob up again between the waves, he waves and then goes down again.

  ‘Just you wait until I get you!’ I shout into the sea, ‘you can’t hide out there forever you know! I hope the evil jellyfish sting you!’

  I wave again and beckon for him to come back to the beach. My pyjama bottoms are soaked with salt water and I now have a lovely white tide-mark just below my knees.

  ‘Come on Jack! Santa won’t bring you any presents you know!’ I shout as I see him bob down again. ‘I’m starving, let’s get some breakfast!’

  Still standing on tiptoes I look to see where he might pop up again. Despite being so early in the morning, the waves are quite big. No wonder everyone is preparing their surfboards back up the top of the beach. It looks as though it’s going to be an ideal day for surfing the waves.

  ‘Jack?’

  My expression turns to concern when I don’t see Jack bob back up again. I cup my hands around my mouth.

  ‘Jack?’ I shout again as I try to see him above the waves. I can’t see him. Where has he gone? Maybe he’s swum under the water. I crouch down to see if I can see him in the waves. Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit! I can’t see him anywhere.

  ‘Jack!’ I shout as I start wading through the waves. Despite the morning sun already warming the earth, the water is so cold and the early morning tide drives hard against my skin. I try to dive into the waves, which just keep pushing me back again.

  After several butterfly strokes – thank God for those swimming lessons that involved wearing my pyjamas – and after much swallowing of salty water, I see Jack’s arm waving just above the water. Oh thank God.

  Jack’s arm disappears again.

  ‘Help him Samantha! Samantha, Jack’s drowning!’

  My dad’s voice yells into my head. Oh my God! No! Jack really is in trouble.

  I swim as hard as I can against the waves until I reach Jack, or at least I reach Jack’s limp t-shirt sleeve. Jack is lying facedown in the water and I clamp my fingers around his neck as I desperately try to remember how to tread water – I was never good at it in swimming lessons. I frantically try to roll Jack over on to his back, but he is so heavy, I just can’t manage to do it.

  ‘Oh Christ, come on Jack!’ I shout above the waves as the salt water washes into my mouth and out again. Despite the glorious morning, the water is freezing and is quickly making my legs go numb. With all the strength I have left in me, I heave Jack over and notice that his pale face looks almost serene against the cobalt blue sea.

  I wrap my arm around Jack and start to swim back to the shore, dragging him with me. Tears start to sting my eyes. Please don’t die, Jack, please don’t die.

  As we reach the beach I collapse on top of him on the shoreline. Scraping my hair off my face, I look down at Jack’s crumpled body. What am I supposed to do now? I’ve forgotten all that I learnt for my bronze lifesavers’ certificate. Think, Sam, think!

  ‘Help! Someone help me!’ I scream into the air. It’s as though the whole world has stopped still. I feel as though we are the only two people here.

  ‘Just pummel his chest and give him mouth to mouth, Sammy,’ my dad’s voice comes into my head. ‘Do it now or you will be too late. You will lose him if you don’t act now.’

  I do as I am told and pull Jack’s t-shirt up to his neck and clasp one hand over the other one to form a fist and then push down into Jack’s chest. One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five.

  As I continue to push down, there is still no sign of life from him.

  ‘Give him mouth to mouth, Sammy,’ the voice instructs me again.

  Clasping shut Jack’s nose, I tilt his chin backwards, open his lips and force a deep breath into his mouth. His lips are soft and unresponsive and taste faintly of the sea. Jack’s long dark eyelashes have tiny salt crystals forming on them and it looks as though he has been frozen in time.

  One, two, three, four, five…

  ‘Oh, come on Jack. You are too young to die now!’ I shout at him. I try to repeat the CPR procedure again but the tears in my eyes are clouding my ability to see to the extent that I have double vision and I can’t concentrate. I shake my head in an attempt to pull myself together – and it is then that I hear his voice – in my head.

  ‘Sam? What’s happening to me? Help me Sam! I don’t want to leave you.’

  It’s Jack’s voice inside my head and yet his lips are not moving. Jack is not talking to me, he’s still lying next to me, lifeless on the white, grainy sand. Which means if Jack is lying next to me and yet I can only hear his voice in my head, this can only mean that… oh, no. no, no, no!

  ‘No Jack! You can’t die on me now!’ I start shaking his lifeless body. I don’t know what I will do if he dies now. I simply cannot imagine my life without Jack in it. I cannot imagine getting up in the morning without knowing that he will be ringing or texting me, or knowing that he will pop round in some outrageous outfit in a bid to make me laugh. I cannot imagine never hearing Jack sing again, or listening to him telling Valerie a rude joke. I just cannot imagine Jack not being in my life.

  ‘Come on Jack. You can’t leave me now, not after all we’ve been through. I love you, God damn it, so wake up…’

  With one last effort I shakily heave his limp body onto my lap, tilt his chin back again and blow into his mouth with every last ounce of breath I have left inside me. Jack’s chest heaves up and down. As I blow into his mouth again his head turns slightly. He splutters and projects a stream of water from his mouth and down his stubbly chin.

  ‘Jack?’

  ‘Oh man!’ he croaks faintly.

  ‘Jack! You’re alive!’ I scream, ‘Oh my G

  od! You’re alive! You’re alive!’

  Pulling him up so that he is able to sit up straight, I wrap my goose-bumped arms around
his waist and hold him close to me. The tears I’ve been desperately trying to hold back flow out of me like rain.

  ‘Shit. What just happened there?’ he whispers.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  By the time the paramedics arrive on the beach my body has decided to go into shock and I am shaking so much that I feel like a jellyfish. Despite his protests that he’s fine, they insist on taking Jack to hospital, just to make sure that he hasn’t suffered any brain damage. Sometime between me screaming for help and giving Jack CPR, Santa came to shore, ran past us up the beach and alerted the life-guards who brought all manner of life-saving equipment, including several foil blankets to wrap us in. Ironically with my chicken-like legs, I look like one of my mum’s turkey’s all ready to go on the barbecue.

  As we travel in the ambulance to the hospital I am suddenly overwhelmed with the events of the past hour and try as I might, I just can’t stop the tears flowing. I look at Jack, strapped to a stretcher, and he smiles weakly back at me, and winks.

  Inside the hospital the foyer is decked out with the biggest artificial Christmas tree I have ever seen. Fake snow adorns the front windows and everywhere I look I can see decorations hanging from the walls and ceilings. Despite having to work Christmas Day, the poor doctors and nursing staff have all made an effort to get into the spirit of things, and are decked out in shorts, t-shirts and festive Santa hats, or at the very least have reindeer antlers plonked on top of their heads and tinsel tied around their stethoscopes.

  ‘Thanks,’ Jack says to me as we wait for yet another doctor to confirm that we are both fit and healthy to return to the beach.

  I shrug.

  ‘That’s what friends are for – saving you from drowning, that sort of thing,’ I smile.

  ‘You know what was really weird?’ Jack says as he looks up to a foil star twinkling on the ceiling above us.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, when I was out of it, I…oh, it doesn’t matter…’ Jack blushes.

  ‘No, tell me, what?’

  ‘Well, it was really weird. It was like, well, I don’t know what it was like really. I’ve never felt so peaceful in all my life. Everything was still. It was really odd. It was like, you know, in the movie when someone dies and it looks like they go through this white light?’

  I nod.

  ‘Well, it was just like that and then suddenly I realised you weren’t with me and I was frightened. Something, or someone, told me to come back. I saw your dad, Sam. The next thing I knew I was spewing up salt water.’

  ‘You died, Jack.’ I know it sounds blunt, but I think he needs to know what really happened.

  ‘Shit, no?’

  ‘You died and came back again. You were calling me – in my head. My dad told me how to help you. You came back because it just wasn’t your time to go,’ I add.

  Jack looks shocked for a moment and then smiles at me.

  ‘Oh yeah, you know I said I hadn’t got you a Christmas present?’

  I nod.

  Jack reaches over to his wet clothes and fumbles about in the back pocket of his shorts.

  ‘I lied,’ he smiles and hands me a small blue velvet box.

  As I open the lid, tears well up again – I really must stop all this crying - as I look at the tiny silver ring with a single crystal placed in the centre.

  ‘I got a crystal because…well…because that’s your name. Happy Christmas, Sam – oh, and thanks again for saving my life.’

  ‘You’re very welcome. All in a day’s work, and thank you for the ring, it’s beautiful.’ I look down at the crystal sparkling back at me underneath the florescent lighting.

  Jack swings his legs off the stretcher and stands wobbly in his hospital gown. He bends down and kneels on the floor beside me.

  ‘Look, I know it’s not the most romantic setting, but…’

  Oh My God!

  ‘Sam, you know, when that wave took me by surprise, I really thought I was going to die back there…’

  ‘Err, you did die, Jack.’

  ‘Yeah, and you brought me back. I don’t want to waste another moment of my time here on earth, Sam, so here goes…’ Jack takes a deep breath. ‘I love you, I always have loved you, and I never, ever want to lose you. I kind of lied about Jasmine… I mean, I know we weren’t really suited and all that, but the real reason we split up was that I was constantly comparing her to you… Will you marry me, Samantha Ball?’

  I feel quite faint. No wonder I haven’t been able to settle down with anyone. No one has ever quite measured up to Jack and I don’t think they ever will. I look down and despite him looking a bit daft on the floor, dressed in a hospital gown that has a huge gap down it, revealing his pure white bum I can’t help but feel giddy with love for him.

  ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ I shriek. ‘Of course I will marry you!’

  EPILOGUE

  Just over a year ago I was £22,000 in debt, jobless, single and quite possibly about to be made homeless. Today I am engaged to my best friend, Jack, I have a job I love, and we are about to move into the most idyllic cottage in a little village on the outskirts of Bath.

  Annette’s brother, Kevin has signed Jack and his band Otherwise to Music Management and they are fast on their way to becoming one of the most popular Indie bands in the UK. They are planning to embark on their first ever UK arena tour, which incidentally includes supporting the Manics at Wembley, and of course, I will be going with Jack – I mean you never know when you might need a psychic, do you?

  Miracle – and yes it was her real name – is set to marry Max and settle down in semi-retirement in Brighton, although she still keeps her hand in running Mystic Answers with me.

  Valerie has decided to sell the flats and move into residential flats where she has officially become the bossiest tenant they have ever had. She is also a frequent visitor to our flat and if she’s not spending the weekend with us, she’s spending it with my mum and Colin at Mum’s house in Bath.

  Speaking of which, my mum and Colin have published their book, The Truth About Carrots and now spend much of their time touring the country with the Cathy and Colin Roadshow – they however are not appearing at Wembley.

  Snake-in-the-grass-Amy has moved to Spain to follow in her mother’s footsteps and find an eligible cosmetic surgeon who is willing to marry her – that or a footballer so that she can fulfil her dream of becoming an official WAG.

  Missy, well, she has finally forgiven Jack for using her as a missile, but only because it’s him who feeds her and she’s met a very handsome Tom cat by the name of Spencer, so she’s in love and as we all know, love can do strange things to a girl, so watch this space, babies could soon be on the way!

  And me? I have finally accepted that I can talk to real dead people – always handy when you’re feeling lonely and need someone to talk to. I help run Mystic Answers with Miracle and we are about to launch our very own psychic academy for other people who suddenly discover they too can hear dead people and are wondering if they are insane.

  I’m still working with Annette at Town FM and Larry, my agent makes sure I get the best possible deals with newspapers, magazines and personal appearances. Now I must go – I have a wedding to organise…

  END

  Coming soon

  Oh Great, Now I Can See Dead People

  Samantha is back, and this time she is busy not only planning her wedding to Jack, but is also trying to get their new house in order in time for their honeymoon and as ever, things don’t go quite according to plan.

  When Sam is asked to demonstrate her psychic skills at her mother’s WI meeting on Halloween night, her mind is so busy trying organising her wedding that she inadvertently forgets to close the circle, resulting in a whole host of unwanted spirits causing mayhem and mischief all round, including possessing half the village.

  If rounding up unwanted visitors isn’t enough, Sam discovers that her new house, Crystal Cottage, is haunted with a spirit that is constantly demanding her attention a
nd her newly appointed spirit guide, Ange is only interested in what's going on in Heat magazine or what Cheryl Cole is wearing.

  Sam struggles to cope with the demands of her work; which include working as a paranormal detective for a TV show and continuing her work with Annette on Town FM. Sam is now able to not only hear spirit, but can see them too.

  Can Sam juggle life between this world and the spirit world, sort out her spirit guide's problems and still get to the church on time? And what happens when Amy turns up in her life again?

  Visit Deborah’s website at

  www.deborahdurbin.com

  Excerpt from Oh Great, Now I Can See Dead People…

  ‘Well, you’re a psychic now, what did you expect?’

  This was Miracle’s response when I phoned her immediately upon locating my mobile phone.

  ‘Well, I didn’t expect to see dead people in my bathroom mirror or for Jack’s train set to become possessed by Santa and a frigging snowman!’

  Well, I didn’t!

  I didn’t think it was part of the deal. I mean, if we’re honest here, I didn’t grow up thinking, oh, I know, when I grow up I want to talk to dead people. What fun that will be! No. I grew up thinking, oh, I know, when I grow up I want to be Madonna and warble for a living. Later on I realised that there is and only ever will be one Madonna and besides, leather trousers have a tendency to make me come out in a rash. Oh, and I can’t sing, so I decided I would become a therapist instead.

  And I would have made a very good therapist had there been enough lachanophobics on planet Earth to enable me to earn a living from it. But there aren’t.

  ‘I don’t want to actually see dead people!’ I whine.

  ‘Look, sweetie, for whatever reason, you’ve been given this gift, so get used to it. Did you ask your spirit guide to help you?’ Miracle asks.

  ‘Yes I did…and she told me to piss off.’

  ‘Why on earth did she do that?’