The Shore of Women

by Pamela Sargent

“I was feeling guilty, I suppose. No one spoke for Birana. I certainly didn’t. Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference if I had—at least that’s what I tell myself. There are those on the Council who think we must be firmer than ever with transgressors, especially those who are Mothers of the City, as Yvara was. A lot of women will remember what happened to her. They’ll think of what happened to her daughter. If someone doesn’t care about her own fate, she’ll still have to consider what might happen to her child.”

  “What did Birana say to you?” I asked.

  “She didn’t say anything. I wasn’t allowed to see her. I asked again if I could, and a woman told me it wouldn’t do any good to ask any more. I got the message. They wanted Birana and her mother to believe at the end that no one in the city cared, that there would be no mercy for them. They wanted them to go out from the wall believing that. That’s why they’re probably dead now. They’d have no reason to cling to life, no hope that they would ever be forgiven. Imagine believing that every woman in the city cared nothing for you, had accepted your sentence.”

  I tried to imagine it, could almost feel the despair of an exile. It would have been useless for me to try to see Birana, but knowing that didn’t ease my guilt at not having made the attempt.

  “Some might say,” I murmured, “that your ideas could lead you astray.”

  “I’m cautious enough. I know how far I can go. I just don’t deceive myself about how things really are.” Zoreen peered through the rungs of the railing again, then grabbed my arm and pointed. Far below, a group of men emerged from the evergreens, ran toward the wall, then stopped. They were tiny figures, clothed in what looked like the furs and hides of animals. I was sure that they could not see us, so far above them. They swayed and then began to dance, lifting their arms as they pranced before the wall.

  “What are they doing?” I asked.

  “I think they want to be called.”

  “Then why aren’t they in a shrine?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe they think we’ll let them in anyway. We won’t, of course. If one came inside, and it was found he hadn’t been called, they’d punish him and send him out as a warning to the others.”

  The men danced some more. They strutted like birds, threw open their coats, and lifted their hairy faces toward the sky. One man leaped into the air, extending his legs, then dropped into a squat; another opened his shirt and showed his chest.

  They stopped dancing and held out their arms toward the wall. Poor creatures, I thought then, oddly touched by their yearning.

  When they saw that the wall would not open, they retreated, wandering back toward the trees with bowed heads and slumped shoulders. We watched them go. The wind tore at my face and shrieked past the wall.

  ARVIL

  As I drew closer to the enclave, my fearfulness grew. Much as I longed for the Lady’s grace, part of me still wanted to hide from Her, afraid She might hear my unspoken and unformed questions and doubts.

  From a hill, I gazed out over the tops of the trees below me on its northern slope. The enclave was visible even from this distance. A great wall surrounded it on all sides, but I could see only the southern side clearly. The eastern and western sides stretched on toward the horizon, beyond which the northern part of the wall was hidden. The tops of towers far from me caught the light of the sun.

  As I looked at the wall’s flat, shiny surface, I seemed to remember being nearer to it, crying out as I was dragged away. I found it strange that I could not recall my life inside the wall, even though it was best not to have such memories. Holiness lay inside the enclave, and it was part of our punishment not to recall the time when we had dwelled near the Lady. Even Birana, Her aspect, was weaker in our world. The Lady and all Her aspects represented a unity, a whole, while we were those who had fallen away from that unity, to be reunited with it only when we were called and, if we led proper lives, at our deaths. I pondered these holy matters, and the place in them of Birana, Who had appeared among us.

  Tal was inside. My wish to see my guardian again was so strong that I almost ran down the hill toward the wall. Tal would be pleased with me; he might even offer some of the praise I had so rarely heard from his lips. I would be bringing him not only myself, but also a new band. Now I needed to be even more cautious. I was in scavenger territory and had already sighted one band in the distance.

  I thought of what Birana had told me. I could barely see the indentations in the wall that marked the entrance. I would get as close to the south end of the wall as I dared, wait until nightfall, and then sprint toward the entrance. As I made my way down the hill and moved through the trees, the enclave seemed to get no closer. Its wall was so vast and so unlike the usual landmarks that I could not gauge its true distance.

  As I stepped over dead twigs and trod lightly on old leaves and pine needles, I heard a hum, and knew the sound. I fell to the ground, and rolled toward a log, then flattened myself against it as a large globe flew over the treetops toward the wall. I trembled as it passed, thinking for a moment that the Lady would deal with me as She had dealt with those on the plateau. But the globe continued on its way and finally disappeared over the top of the wall.

  As I came nearer to the edge of the wood, I saw that I would have to cross an open area to reach the enclave. I could now make out the entrance clearly. It was at least twenty paces wide and perhaps thirty paces in height. My memory jostled me again; I seemed to recall the door closing behind me. I also saw that my way was blocked. Near the entrance, a group of seven men squatted, as if waiting to fall upon whoever came out.

  Scavengers, I thought, and all the stories I had heard about them came back to me. They hunted men as others hunted beasts. Tal had declared that they dined on the flesh of men. Other bands would not wait so near an enclave for one of their members, for most men made such a journey alone or only in the company of another who had been called. No truce was possible with scavengers. I remembered Birana’s advice. I would have to wait until they grew tired and left.

  It came to me then that I need not enter, that I might wait until Tal left the wall. My fear of the Lady was growing as great as my desire for Her. I could meet my guardian outside, would not have to pass through the test Birana had set for me, would not have to risk betraying Her. This was a thought I cast away at once. I could not refuse the Lady’s summons and knew She would find a way to punish me if I did. I had Birana’s spell to protect me. I was angry with myself for having such unholy thoughts so near Her enclave and quickly said a prayer.

  I retreated, careful to make no sound, then climbed up into a tree and concealed myself among the boughs. Needles tickled my nose and pricked my face. I took a sip of water. I was almost out of time and had to enter the enclave soon.

  The wall, although still tens of paces away, dominated all I could see. It seemed to reach the sky and was so long that I could see only a small part of it. The scavengers got to their feet, stretched their legs, and began to dance, swaying in front of the wall as they held out their arms.

  Tal had told me of such sights. Scavengers sought to appeal to the Lady directly, rather than going to a shrine, but were never called, for the Lady scorned those whose cowardice kept them near Her enclave. I watched them as they leaped and pranced, despising them for their foolishness and villainy. One man spun, arms out. He stopped suddenly and pointed to the west. The others froze, some with a leg extended or an arm raised.

  I heard thunder.

  Clinging to the tree, I looked up at the cloudless sky. The thunder grew louder and rolled toward me from the west. The scavengers milled around and then started to run toward me. I readied my spear.

  The thunder was not an approaching storm, but the sound of horses’ hooves. Twenty horsemen rode swiftly toward the scavengers. I heard a cry above the thunder, and then a shriek.

  When the men on foot were still several paces from the forest of evergreens, the horsemen bore down upon them and, as they encircled the band, struck at them with t
heir spears. The scavengers tried to fight back and stabbed at the horses with spears and knives. Hooves struck one man’s head as a horse reared. One horseman, his legs tight against his horse’s flanks, shot arrows into two men, hitting one in the back and another in the chest. He leaped from his horse, went to the twitching bodies, and drew out his knife. Others dismounted and quickly cut the throats of wounded scavengers. The slaughter was over in the time it had taken me to draw only a few breaths.

  The horsemen stripped the bodies and divided the spoils. One man waved a pot like the one Wanderer carried. Another held up a shiny piece of metal and grimaced at it as he drew it close to his face. For the first time in my life, I felt pity for the scavengers; the haste of the slaughter horrified me. I did not stop to think that the horsemen had done me a service, clearing the obstacle that had barred me from the wall, while ridding the region of one evil band.

  When they had finished loading the dead men’s possessions on their horses, they mounted and trotted off toward the west while I gave thanks that they had not ridden through the trees.

  I now saw the wisdom of what Wanderer had told Wise Soul’s men back at the Warrior’s shrine. We would also have to master the horse to have a chance against such bands. Yet it seemed a way that would lead us to greater cruelty. When killing was easy, men embraced it and rejected truce. The horsemen would kill not only scavengers but also other bands; Wise Soul and his men had barely escaped them. In time, one band of horsemen would fight another, and that would lead men to find yet other ways of killing—sharper spears, stronger bows. It might not end until every man was dead, and the Lady was doing nothing to stop it, for the butchery had happened in front of Her wall. My thoughts were leading me along a dangerous path. Men who had reached out to other bands, trying to unite them, had died on the plateau, while those who killed without mercy lived on. I saw no good in that.

  I was judging the Lady, Whose ways I should not have questioned. She had killed Truthspeaker and Bint and their companions because they had sought to challenge Her. I had to clear my mind of heresy before I entered the wall. She had shown me this killing for a reason. If my band were to live, we would have to become like these horsemen. She had appeared to us as Birana in order to show us our destiny and to test us. I had to hold to my faith and reject my doubts.

  After taking another look at the land around me, I climbed down from the tree and stretched, preparing myself for my sprint. It was growing dark, and I hoped that any men lurking amid the trees had been scared off by the appearance of the horsemen. I flexed my muscles, took several deep breaths, and ran.

  I looked away from the bodies as I passed them. Someone shouted. My foot hit a stone, my ankle twisted, and I fell. As I scrambled up, two men emerged from the shadows of the trees to my right.

  My terror spurred me on. An arrow struck the ground near me. As I came to the wall, I lunged toward it and pressed my hands against the door. Another arrow flew past me and bounced from the wall.

  The entrance did not open. The two men were drawing nearer. I beat on the door with my fists, then turned, readying my spear. Suddenly the door whispered past me and I fell inside. One man launched his spear toward me, but the door closed as the spear was still in midair.

  I was alone, safe, in a darkness blacker than a moonless night. I clung to my spear, imagining first that the Lady might impose new tests upon me before I entered the enclave, then that She would find me lacking and expel me.

  Gradually, the room grew lighter. Ten couches, each with a circlet, were against one wall, reminding me of a shrine, but there was no image of the Lady here. Uncertain about what to do, I knelt and prayed silently.

  As I prayed, a low voice filled the room. “Go to a couch,” it said in the holy speech, “and don a circlet.” I looked up, but the Lady had cloaked Herself in invisibility. “Go to a couch and don a circlet,” the voice repeated.

  I had to use my spell. As I went to a couch, I quieted my mind and said the holy word Birana had taught me. She sank to the bottom of my thoughts, hidden by a dark barrier. I had forgotten Her; I was entranced. I would keep my promise and follow the Lady’s will.

  As I put on the circlet, I was swallowed by darkness again but felt no fear. This darkness soothed me, warming my body and calming my mind. “Wait,” the voice said inside me. “The Lady will speak to you soon.”

  I do not know how long I lay there, drifting through the darkness, but I would have been content to stay forever in that state, freed both from fear and longing for Her.

  At last She spoke. “I am with you now.”

  The darkness parted. She stood before me in a guise I remembered, as the auburn-haired One Who had spoken to me after I had fled from the plateau.

  “You have come at last.” She smiled. “Your guardian, Tal, is with us. I have touched his thoughts and know of you, Arvil, and have waited for you. I am glad you are here. You must be brave and strong for coming so far alone.”

  I basked in Her praise but could not accept it without admitting the truth about my journey. She, I thought, might grow angry if I did not speak up for my comrades, for I was sure She was aware of them and was testing me.

  “I could not have made the journey alone,” I replied. “I was aided by two of Your servants, Wanderer and Shadow, and was later helped by a band with whom we have made a truce. They are willing now to accept both Tal and me as members of their band.” I told Her a little of my adventures, but as my mind drifted toward my meeting with Birana, a wall rose in my mind and hid the thought of Birana from me. Birana’s spell had power, and I did not think or speak of Her.

  “I was alone, without a band,” I finished. “Now, I have friends and a new band. You have blessed me, Lady, and I shall always serve You.”

  She smiled again as She clasped Her hands together. “Thank you for telling Me this—it is more than I hoped for.” Before I could wonder at those words, She said, “You must rest now, and then you will be blessed and reunited with Tal.” As She spoke, the darkness came upon me again.

  I had slept. Another aspect of the Lady, naked, black-haired, and golden-skinned, came to me. She bent over me, speaking soft words in the holy speech as She embraced me. Her skin was smooth and warm, and She smelled of flowers. As She drew me toward Her, I was suspended in the holy state, held there by the touch of Her hands.

  Another aspect appeared, younger and red-haired. Her breasts were high and round, Her nipples the pink of wild roses. As She came toward me, I reached for Her, unwilling to wait, but She guided me in touching Her body before opening Herself to me. Cursed we might be and condemned to live apart from the Goddess, and yet the sighs of the aspect told me that Her pleasure was as great as my own. This was part of Her blessing—the knowledge that She welcomed me to Her side. I felt Her nails on my back as She moved under me.

  Another aspect was lying at my side, caressing me as the red-haired One put Her lips to mine. This aspect had long, brown hair glittering with threads of gold, and a shiver ran through me as I looked at Her. Something in Her youthful face reminded me of Birana and the longing I had felt for Her.

  “Birana.” The name flew through me, flitting from darkness into the light. It shattered the barrier and escaped in a sigh before I could call it back. “Birana.”

  The spell was broken. I recalled Her holy word, too late; I could not force Her from my mind. As the brown-haired aspect stroked my belly, I reached for Her and was suddenly holding air. She faded and I was alone, surrounded by mist.

  I knew the greatest terror I had ever felt at that moment. Birana had given me a powerful spell to test me, and I had broken it.

  “Arvil.”

  This voice was harsh. The mist parted, showing me the auburn-haired aspect I had seen before. I cursed my weakness, knowing I would be punished.

  “Arvil. You said ‘Birana.’ Where did you hear that name?”

  I did not answer.

  “Where did you hear it?”

  “It is only a name.”
r />   “It is not only a name.”

  My head was beginning to ache. My throat tightened. “I heard it spoken, Lady—that is all.”

  “How, and where? Tell Me.”

  My head throbbed. A sickness was in my stomach. “You do not need to ask,” I said. “Do You not know everything that comes to pass?”

  “Do not be disrespectful. You cannot lie to Me. You sought to keep something from Me and were taught how to do so. Foolish boy—you’re too weak to do such a thing. You haven’t the power—your mental blocks cannot deceive Me. You must wait.”

  The mist enclosed me again. I sank into it, supported by pillows of fog. My pain disappeared. She was angry; I had seen Her rage. In my holy state, I had betrayed Birana, yet the Lady had seemed angriest when I refused to betray Her further. I had failed. I wondered if Birana had already been taken from my new band.

  Perhaps I was not yet lost. I would be examined to see if I would betray Birana further, and perhaps this was part of the test. If I spoke of Birana again, I would lose my soul. If I did not, I might avoid the worst punishment. This hope was all I had left.

  I drifted up through the fog. I was on a couch in a pale, empty room. The auburn-haired One reappeared and next to Her stood another, a silver-haired aspect with the fierce eyes of the Witch.

  “You said the name of Birana,” the auburn-haired aspect murmured. “I am going to ask you again—where did you hear that name?”

  “From another band.”

  “You are lying,” the witch-aspect replied. My head began to ache once more. My torment was beginning. I tried to rise from the couch, but my limbs refused to obey me. “Do you not know that you cannot deceive Me? Where did you hear the name?”

  I was silent.

  “Where did you hear it?”

  My skull seemed to be shattering, and every nerve in my body was on fire. I twisted, and the torment worsened. My teeth sang with the pain as knives cut through my skin. I was bleeding, I would die, but still I refused to speak.