Jeremy (Broken Angel #4)

by L. G. Castillo

  Jeremy remembered the day he’d lied clearly. It’d started with a simple statement from Lash. And he’d given an answer that had lived in Jeremy’s heart since the day he’d met Naomi.

  “You wanted her.”

  “Yes.”

  And then had come the lie. He’d known the moment it left his lips he’d regret saying it. But he’d shoved those thoughts into the back of his mind because somehow, someway, he would find a way to move on.

  “I’ve thought a lot about it. I think you may be right about me confusing the feelings I have about you. With the way things ended in Ai, I never had the chance to know what real love is.”

  “You will. Someday. I know you will.”

  He’d wanted to respond to Naomi and tell her that he already had. That he already knew what real love felt like whenever he gazed into her eyes and how he was drawn to her fierce spirit and undying faith in others.

  But when he’d looked around his circle of friends and family, he’d seen that everything was finally where it should be. His mother tucked under his father’s arm, Rachel firmly on Uri’s lap, and Lash holding Naomi. And then he finally looked at the one person who could truly understand him—Gabrielle.

  Sapphire eyes locked with emerald ones, and her words whispered in his ear as they did when he’d returned from his so-called extended assignment.

  Play your game of poker.

  And so he had.

  Every day he wore the mask of the joyful, carefree brother to both Lash and Naomi. And with each passing day, the mask cracked piece by piece. With each loving glance Naomi gave to Lash, each tender touch of her fingers on his cheek, it broke apart a little bit more.

  Yes, everyone had been made whole again.

  Everyone but me.

  He circled the sky aimlessly, his powerful wings moving slowly as if they, too, felt the heaviness in his chest. It was a burden he’d been willing to take, and at the time, he thought his feelings would eventually fade away.

  He was wrong.

  What am I going to do?

  He was in the exact same spot he’d been in only a few weeks ago, after he’d had the fight with Lash in front of the Room of Offerings. Their lives had been turned upside down the moment he struck down Lash and Naomi on the top of Shiprock. He knew the moment Lash found out about his feelings for Naomi that he’d want to tear him a new one.

  Was it only a few weeks? Or was it months? The time difference between Heaven and Earth had never bothered him. He didn’t care that Earth time moved more slowly than time in Heaven. He had just never noticed—until now. Time pressed on him with each tick of the clock passing him by and leaving him alone while the others, Lash and Naomi, Rachel and Uri, even his father and mother, had moved on.

  He circled the angel living quarters, thinking about that day when Gabrielle had told him about Lash’s assignment to take a woman named Naomi Duran to Shiprock. A lump in his throat formed as he remembered the lies he’d told Lash. Well, not really lies, but he’d held back the truth from his best friend about how he’d been ordered to strike them down once they reached the top of Shiprock. Of course Lash had felt betrayed. He had every right to. Who wouldn’t when you were sitting on the top of a mountain in the rain, holding on to the love of your life, praying she wouldn’t die, only to find your best friend was there to kill you both?

  It was his job. It was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do in his life. But if he’d had his memories back, if he’d known about Lash and Naomi’s history, would he have warned him?

  Jeremy propelled himself higher and faster, wishing he could escape the answer. It shouted loud and clear in his head. Duty had always been first with him. He’d always done what was asked, and if he had to do it all over again, he’d . . .

  He clenched his fists, fighting a truth about himself he didn’t want to face as he zoomed to the highest peak of the mountain range. A cool breeze hit against his skin, sending goose bumps along his muscled arms and abdomen. There was no escaping what he would’ve done if he had to do it all over again, and the guilt made his stomach churn.

  As he passed Lash and Naomi’s mountain cottage, he glanced at the open wall-length window. He jerked to a stop when a shadow darted across the floor. Something or someone was in there. Waiting, he watched the sheer white curtains fluttering in the wind. There was a series of faint clicks, and he saw it again. He flew inside, landing with a soft thump on the bedroom’s gleaming cherry wood floor.

  “Who’s there?” He gazed around the room, wondering who’d be crazy enough to trespass on another angel’s private residence.

  Saleos.

  Would Lucifer’s foot soldier dare to show his face in Heaven? Jeremy had sacrificed his own life to kill Lucifer by submerging them both in the Lake of Fire—the only way an angel could be killed. After Archangel Michael had resurrected him, he’d been warned that Sal and his brothers had escaped.

  Jeremy held his breath, listening carefully for any movement. Saleos wasn’t stupid. He knew all angels had superior hearing and sight, making it difficult to move about Heaven without being detected. Saleos was power hungry enough do something insane like take over where his boss had left off.

  A strong breeze rushed through the room. The bed skirt fluttered, making shadows dance across the gleaming floor. He let out a breath, chuckling to himself.

  “Great. I’m losing it. I’m seeing things that aren’t there. I’m daydreaming about my brother’s wife, and now I’m talking to myself.”

  He brushed a hand through his hair, missing the length. Was life ever going to get back to the way it had been before? Even Rachel had noticed he was out of it. She’d been so worried that she and Uri had tackled him in the courtyard and dragged him to their suite in the angel living quarters. She’d been adamant about giving him a haircut. He couldn’t believe he’d caved.

  “It’ll make you feel better,” she’d said.

  “Uri lets me do this to him all the time,” she’d assured him.

  “What smell? There’s no ammonia smell,” she’d said innocently, batting her lashes.

  Hours later, his hair was shorter and darker, and he still felt like crap.

  Sighing, he folded his wings into himself and entered the bedroom. He eyed the soft bed covered in dozens of decorative pillows in white and pale blues. He picked up a pale blue pillow. It was the same color as Naomi’s eyes. He let his mind drift, and he thought about his dream and the way she’d lain in his arms, her tender kisses, and her words of love.

  Without thinking, he lifted the pillow to his nose, closed his eyes, and inhaled. Her scent, the intoxicating amber musk that seemed to linger on everything she touched, filled his senses. He was lost again in ancient memories of the one kiss he’d shared with her, the only one, the last one. Memories shifted into dreams. He knew it wasn’t real. He knew it was wrong to wish for her. But in his dream, she’d been his. She’d loved him.

  “Naomi,” he breathed. “How can I ever get you out of my heart?”

  His eyes flashed open at a clicking sound in the room.

  Someone’s in here.

  4

  There was a low growl. And then out of nowhere, a reddish-brown bullet zipped into the room and stopped at his feet.

  “Bear! You crazy little fur ball. It’s just me,” he said, laughing at the Chihuahua. After Bear had passed away, he’d made a special trip to retrieve her for Naomi and Lash. After all this time, the little dog still hadn’t seemed to warm up to him.

  Bear arched her back. Her tiny face was low to the ground as she continued to growl.

  “Why don’t you like me? I’m a cool dude if you give me a chance.” He reached down to pet her.

  She snarled, nipping his fingers.

  “Hey!” He jerked his hand back.

  She scurried around in a circle, her tiny paws clicking against the floor as she barked.

  “Bear, stop it.”

  Jeremy jumped to his feet at the sound of Naomi’s voice.

  “
Naomi! I . . . uh . . .”

  His voice drifted the moment he saw her, and he forgot what he was going to say. She stood at the edge of the room, the white curtains fluttering behind her. Pale blue eyes held his, and all he thought about was drowning in them forever. Then her eyes drifted down to the pillow in his hand.

  Horrified, he tossed it on the bed and quickly moved to distance himself from it. How was he going to explain this?

  Bear dashed in between his feet, barking, and his foot accidentally landed on the tip of her tail. She yelped, running to Naomi’s side.

  “Sorry, Bear.”

  Bear looked from him to Naomi, then hunched low on the ground, making her look even smaller, and growled. It was as if Bear knew what he was thinking and was protecting Naomi for Lash.

  “Knock it off, Bear. What’s gotten into you?” Naomi reached down, rubbing the dog’s little head.

  “It’s my fault. I thought I saw . . . then the pillow . . . I made a mistake. I shouldn’t be here.” He took a step toward the window, wondering how he was going to move her out of the way without touching her.

  “Please don’t go.”

  He paused, taking in glistening eyes gazing at him with sisterly love and nothing more.

  “Lash and I are worried about you,” she said.

  No. He groaned. Lash was with her. With all this daydreaming nonsense, he hadn’t seen his brother come inside. He scanned the room in a panic. It’d taken him so long to win back his brother’s trust. He didn’t want to lose it again. Why did he even come here? And why couldn’t he leave?

  “Lash, I didn’t . . .”

  “He’s not here. He’s with Uri and Rachel. I told him I wanted to speak to you alone,” she said.

  He sighed, thankful Lash hadn’t caught him acting like a lovesick fool over his wife.

  “You won’t tell him I was here, will you?” The thought of her arms and legs twined around him flashed through his mind and he quickly looked down, shoving the images away. He couldn’t even look at her now without thinking about those dreams. The pull to her was too intense.

  “I won’t.”

  “Good.” He flicked his wings open, focusing on the small, empty space beside her. There was just enough space for him to squeeze by without making any contact. He rushed forward.

  “Jeremy, please. Tell me what’s wrong.” She grasped his thick bicep, stopping him.

  He flinched. He wasn’t a stranger to pain. He knew what it felt like to burn cell by cell from when he had been in the Lake of Fire, but nothing was as painful as her touch. The shock of it ran from the tips of his fingers straight through his arms and into his chest.

  “I can’t do this.” His voice was a hoarse whisper.

  “Do what?”

  Hold you. Worship you. Love you.

  He couldn’t answer the question, not the way he wanted to. He had to leave, but the delicate touch of her hand on his arm held him to her like a thousand chains. Wisps of hair hit against her beautiful face, calling to his heart.

  Look away.

  Sapphire eyes darkened as they locked with hers. Her warm breath hit against his rough cheek.

  Step away.

  He moved closer. His dark lashes lowered as his eyes drifted down to her pink lips.

  Just one kiss. One embrace.

  Bear barked.

  He stilled, stunned by what he’d almost done, his heart heavy because he hadn’t. He looked down at Bear, grateful she saw what Naomi obviously couldn’t or refused to see.

  “I can’t,” he said, pulling away from her grasp.

  “Please, Jeremy. Let me help you. Just talk to me. You can tell me anything. You’re my—”

  “Stop!” Pained eyes flicked to hers before she could say the word that would kill him. “Don’t ask me what’s wrong. You have no right to ask.”

  The second her face fell, he wished he could take the words back. The façade of the happy-go-lucky archangel he’d carefully built was cracking. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold it together.

  Then, when her face transformed from hurt to anger and her eyes lit with blue fire, he knew he was seconds from yanking her into his arms and taking her down to the bed waiting only a few steps away.

  “I have every right to ask. I care about you. You’re my bro—”

  “Damn it, Naomi! Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?”

  “I’m trying to help you.”

  “You’re not helping. I can’t be here with you like this.”

  “Like what? Caring about you?”

  “Yes! Can’t you see it hurts me more than anything else? You care for me like a sister.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing . . . everything. I know I should be grateful for any piece of you I can have. Having you as my sister should be enough. Having my brother and my family with me should be enough. I want it to be, but it isn’t because I—”

  He gritted his teeth before he let the words fall from his lips. If he let them go, there would be no turning back.

  “Oh, Jeremy, we’ve talked about this before. I thought you agreed.”

  “I know. I know. You think these feelings I have for you are all in my head. But it’s not, Naomi. It’s here.” He slapped his hand against his bare chest. “It’s all in here. All for you because you’re all I can think about, all I dream about. And I shouldn’t think about you—not like that. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I need to leave.”

  She blinked, disbelieving. “You can’t. It’ll crush Lash. What about your parents? You can’t just leave.”

  “There’s no other way. Gabrielle will grant me long-term status on Earth if I need it. I’m sure of it.” He looked at her devastated face and wondered how long he could live a separate life from her and his family. “I have to leave long enough so that when I do come back, I can love you like a true sister.”

  If it’s even possible. He swallowed the lump in his throat when he thought of how he might never see her or his family ever again.

  He stepped to the edge of the window, tucking his wings close to his body. He paused. Turning to Naomi, he reached to her. His hand gently caressed her cheek.

  “Tell my brother I’ll miss him.”

  “No. You tell him.” A tear rolled down her cheek, wetting his thumb.

  He dropped his hand and shook his head, turning away from her before he changed his mind. “It’ll be best for us all if I don’t. Please do this for me, Naomi.”

  Without hearing her answer, he leapt off the edge, freefalling into the sky. As his body rocketed down the mountain, wind rushed past, filling his ears with white noise and blocking Naomi’s sobs. When he was about to hit the ground, he flashed out his wings and lifted his body upward, missing the ground by only a couple of feet. He headed to the Hall of Judgment, the one quiet place where he could be alone and think about how he was going to convince Gabrielle to let him leave.

  5

  Opening thick mahogany doors, he stepped into the dim room. Candles lined the walls. At the far end of the vast room, sitting high on a three-tiered platform, was a high-backed chair made of rich wood. The plush red velvet cushion gleamed beneath the dozens of candles surrounding the seat of judgment. He’d been in the room dozens of times with Lash, and sometimes with other angels who’d fallen. He always stood off to the side, watching as Michael passed judgment, wondering what it felt like to be kneeling in front of the powerful archangel, vulnerable, pleading for forgiveness and to be taken back into Heaven. Though he bent the rules from time to time, he’d never entertained the thought to go against Heavenly law to the point he’d be banished. Why would he? He’d had everything he’d ever needed or wanted . . . until now.

  The flames flickered as he walked swiftly to Michael’s chair and knelt before it. His head dropped to his chest. He didn’t have to wonder anymore about how the others felt in this position. He felt it in every single part of his body. H
is chest grew heavy as the past few weeks filtered through his mind. Fighting Lash, desiring his brother’s wife, dreaming of a life where his brother didn’t exist just so he could have her.

  “Forgive me, brother.”

  His heavy voice echoed in the silent chamber. He’d fought so hard to win back in Lash’s trust. He didn’t want to lose his brother again. Yet, the thought of leaving and never seeing his family or Naomi again was tearing into his chest, stripping away his heart piece by piece. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t leave.

  “Help me find a way.”

  A cool breeze washed over the back of his neck, followed by a touch on his shoulder. He jolted to his feet and spun around.

  “Gabrielle!” Why was she here? Angels didn’t go into the room unless they had to.

  “I was . . . uh, I was . . .” He brushed a hand through his hair as he scanned the room, looking for an excuse. “I was looking for an extra candle.”

  He snatched one from the shelf, cursing when the hot wax sloshed on his hand. Rubbing his hand, he looked at Gabrielle. His stomach twisted at the expression on her face. It was the same look Naomi had given him—pity.

  Had Naomi told her what had happened? He couldn’t think of any other reason why Gabrielle, who was always all business, would look like that. How pathetic. Even the most hardened archangel pitied him.

  “Oh, man, sorry about that.”

  Why did she keep standing there?

  Say something. Reprimand me. Toss me out the door. Anything.

  “It’s been a while since this bod’s had hot wax on it.” He flashed his dimples, hoping she’d pick up on his innuendo and kick his sorry ass out of the room.

  “Jeremiel.” She let out a slow breath. Her dark lashes closed for a moment, then lifted. Soft emerald eyes held his with tenderness. She was afraid he’d break.

  He took a step back, grinning so hard he though his teeth would crack.

  Come on, Gabrielle. Tell me off. Punish me. Just don’t look at me like that. I can’t take it from you too.