The Case of the Stolen Film

by Gareth P. Jones

  ‘Of course we do,’ said Kitelsky. ‘You can’t live in California without knowing what film is.’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Putz. ‘We ain’t stupid.’

  ‘Then you’ll know that the punishment for being seen by a human is banishment to the Inner Core,’ said Dirk.

  ‘The Inner Core?’ said Putz, the colour draining from his face.

  ‘What’s it to you, anyway, Dilly?’ said Kitelsky. ‘You come here saying we done this and that. We don’t even know you.’

  ‘You know what?’ snapped Dirk angrily. ‘You’re right, I should leave you to it. I was going to find and destroy the tape but now I might just go home and crack open a fresh bottle of squash in front of a good movie instead.’

  ‘Hey, don’t be so hasty,’ said Putz. ‘Kitelsky don’t mean to disrespect you or nuttin’. Do you, Kitelsky?’

  ‘I don’t trust him,’ said Kitelsky. ‘How do we know he ain’t gonna do the dirty on us?’

  ‘I haven’t got time for this. I’m going to retrieve that tape and save your spiky necks,’ said Dirk, turning to leave. He could tell that the Desert Dragons didn’t know any more than they were letting on. He was wasting his time.

  ‘Where you going?’ said Kitelsky.

  ‘Los Angeles,’ replied Dirk.

  ‘We’re comin’ wi’ you,’ said Kitelsky.

  ‘Are you outa your mind, Kitelsky?’ said Putz. ‘I ain’t going to no human city.’

  ‘You stay here, then,’ replied Kitelsky. ‘I don’t trust this Mountain Dragon.’

  ‘I work alone,’ said Dirk.

  ‘Did I say I was givin’ you the choice?’ said Kitelsky. ‘If there’s a film showin’ me and Putz, I ain’t gonna sit around and leave it to no out-of-town detective to sort out.’

  ‘I’m goin’ if you’re goin’,’ said Putz.

  ‘And what do you know about city life?’ said Dirk.

  ‘That ain’t the point. Like it or not, we’re comin’ wi’ you,’ said Kitelsky.

  Chapter 13

  This is weird,’ said Archie, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a jelly bean.

  ‘It’s really weird,’ agreed Holly.

  They were sitting on wooden chairs in the front row of an exact replica of Little Hope Village Hall where Holly’s school concert had taken place. The fake hall was perfect down to the finest detail, except for one of the walls being missing, revealing that they were actually inside a huge hangar in the World Studios. Where the wall should have been were cameras and hundreds of people who bustled around with clipboards and expensive-looking equipment. Chase Lampton sat in a director’s chair wearing a pair of sunglasses and a look of frustration.

  During the eleven takes so far Petal hadn’t even come close to remembering the words to the dreary song her mother had written for the grand finale of the film.

  To keep everyone occupied between takes Theo Leggett was telling the band members their character names in case it helped them get into their parts.

  Holly, Archie and Miss Gilfeather were in the audience, so they didn’t have character names.

  ‘On third trumpet we have Holly Bigsby,’ said Theo, pointing at a blonde girl with exceptionally white teeth.

  ‘Excellent likeness,’ said Miss Gilfeather under her breath.

  ‘So is yours,’ said Holly, pointing to the stick-thin, beautiful young actress who was playing Miss Gilfeather and waving a baton around.

  ‘What does that woman think she’s doing?’ said Miss Gilfeather.

  ‘Looks like she’s sword-fighting the Invisible Man,’ said Archie.

  Miss Gilfeather allowed herself a tiny smile. ‘It’s certainly not conducting,’ she said. ‘That emaciated young lady couldn’t conduct a survey on whether monkeys like bananas. And as for that Lampton boy, he looks like he’s never seen a French horn before.’

  Dante Lampton was sitting at the front of the stage, in character as Callum Thackley, holding the instrument upside down.

  ‘OK, everybody.’ Chase spoke through a loudhailer. ‘We’re ready for another take. Petal Moses to set, please.’

  Petal Moses arrived in one of the little white buggies used to shuttle the more important cast members to and from the VIP area. She got out of the buggy and drifted on to the set, wearing an extremely sparkly dress. She took her place in front of the stage, took a deep breath and said, ‘I’m ready.’

  ‘Quiet on set, please. Petal – The Movie, scene fifty-six, take twelve,’ shouted a man with a clapperboard.

  The lights dimmed and the music began.

  ‘Excellent, I love this tune,’ said Archie, forcing Holly to stifle her giggles.

  ‘Don’t make me laugh,’ she said. ‘I need the loo.’

  ‘I bet you a jelly bean she messes up again,’ whispered Archie.

  ‘Be quiet,’ scolded Miss Gilfeather. ‘We’ll only have to hear it again.’

  ‘All she has to do is mime along with herself. How difficult can it be?’ said Holly, under her breath.

  As if in answer to her question, Chase shouted, ‘Cut!’

  ‘Anything wrong, Chase, darling?’ asked Petal sweetly.

  ‘Petal, love, remember what we said about moving your mouth in time with the words,’ replied the director.

  ‘I’m sorry, Chase. I keep forgetting where I come in.’

  ‘You’ve got four bars, then the twiddly piano bit, then you come in,’ said Chase.

  ‘Oh yes. Sorry, Chase.’

  ‘That’s fine,’ said Chase patiently.

  ‘Dad, can I ask something?’ said Dante.

  ‘Sure thing, son,’ replied Chase.

  ‘I was thinking that my character would be fairly conflicted here, you know, pleased that he is in the concert but bitter that Petal’s getting the limelight, like both happy and unhappy at the same time. Like this.’

  Dante pulled a face.

  ‘He looks more like he’s both constipated and got diarrhoea at the same time,’ said Archie.

  Holly shook with laughter. ‘Stop it! I really need the toilet,’ she said.

  ‘That’s perfect, son,’ said Chase. ‘OK, let’s take a fifteen-minute break, then we’ll go for it one more time.’

  ‘Great! I’m going to the toilet,’ said Holly.

  ‘I’d hurry. I don’t think you’re the only one with that idea,’ said Miss Gilfeather, pointing at the swarm of people heading in the same direction. Holly and Archie tried to get through, but the crowd was bottle-necking at the door by the stage.

  ‘Let’s try a short cut,’ said Archie, walking around the side of the wall.

  Holly’s heart sank when she saw that there was already a long queue coming from the girls’ toilets.

  ‘I’m bursting,’ she moaned.

  ‘Hi, guys,’ said Dante as he passed them on one of the electric buggies, sitting next to his dad.

  ‘I bet they don’t have to queue for the toilet,’ said Archie.

  ‘I know, but you need one of those passes,’ replied Holly, watching as the buggy reached a doorway and a security guard checked their passes and waved them through.

  ‘If only you could turn invisible,’ said Archie, with a wide grin. ‘Oh, hold on …You can.’

  Holly smiled then said, ‘What about you?’

  ‘I’ll be fine – the queue isn’t as long for the boys. I’ll cause a diversion. Look, there’s Theo.’ Theo Leggett was driving a buggy towards the exit. Archie ran over to him. ‘Excuse me, Mr Leggett,’ he said.

  Theo slammed his foot on the brake. ‘Hey, be careful,’ he said.

  ‘Sorry, Mr Leggett, sir, but I’ve been meaning to ask how you get to become an assistant director.’

  Theo beamed at Archie. ‘The first thing you need is a love of film,’ he said, sounding like he had been waiting all his life for someone to ask this. ‘From a very young age I’ve always loved movies. But that’s not enough. You have to be willing to work hard. The hours are long but in the end …’

  While he spoke, H
olly sneaked round the back of the buggy, checked no one was looking and climbed on. Theo must have caught a glimpse of her in the corner of his eye because he broke off what he was saying to glance back, but Holly had vanished. He turned back to Archie.

  ‘I need to get going,’ he said. ‘Here, take my card. When you’re old enough, give me a call. Maybe I can give you your first break.’

  ‘That’s great,’ said Archie, putting the card into his back pocket. ‘Thanks for the advice.’

  ‘No problem. Keep your dreams alive,’ said Theo, driving the buggy towards the door, past the guard, out of the building, briefly into the bright sunshine, and across the tarmac to another hangar, where there were a few office desks, a coffee bar and, Holly was pleased to notice, a row of toilets with no queue.

  Theo parked the buggy and went to get a coffee. Holly checked no one was looking and ran to the toilet

  With her bladder finally relieved she went back to Theo’s buggy, climbed on and blended into the seat, waiting for Theo to take her back.

  She had been waiting for a minute, watching Theo attempt to drink his coffee without getting his nose covered in froth, when she saw Chase and Dante Lampton walking over to where she was hiding. Chase had an arm around Dante’s shoulders. For a moment she was worried that they were going to sit on her, but they remained standing.

  ‘… but that’s not fair,’ Dante was saying. He seemed upset.

  ‘You gotta toughen up if you want to make it in this industry,’ replied his father.

  ‘But I worked so hard on this role. I really feel like I got a hook on this character.’

  ‘I know,’ said Chase, who didn’t look like he was enjoying the conversation any more than Dante was. ‘You’ve done some great work on it but Callum was always only a small part. The film’s about Petal.’

  ‘But you’re talking about cutting half of my scenes,’ said Dante.

  ‘Keep your voice down,’ hissed Chase. ‘Listen,’ he said quietly, ‘I’m doing this for your own good.’

  ‘How can it be for my own good to cut my part out of the film?’

  ‘Son, I’m only going to say this once and I don’t want you to repeat it but the fact is …’ He lowered his voice even more. ‘The fact is … this is a lousy film.’

  Dante stared in disbelief at what he was being told.

  ‘I hoped it would be OK,’ Chase continued, ‘a kind of fun film about celebrity culture. But it’s not. It’s dross. It’s garbage. I’ve been watching the rushes and there’s no saving it. Every time I try to make it better, that girl comes along with some stupid idea to make it worse.’

  ‘But you’re the director,’ said Dante.

  ‘And her mum’s the exec producer. I have to go along with it.’

  ‘Isn’t there anything that can be done?’ asked Dante.

  ‘Yes, I can save you,’ said his father. ‘The fact is that this is going to be the worst film of my career. I’ll probably never direct again. It’s going to stink so bad that anyone associated with it is going to carry the stench, me included. I don’t want your career being damaged. That’s why I’m cutting your role. OK?’

  Dante took all this in then said, ‘Thanks, Dad. I love you.’ He hugged his father.

  ‘I love you too, son,’ said Chase.

  ‘How sweet,’ said Petal Moses, whose driver brought her buggy alongside them.

  ‘Hold on, Mum,’ she said into the mobile phone she was holding to her ear. ‘Chase is here now. Hi, Chase. Mum says that it doesn’t matter if I mime in time with the music because you’ll be able to sort it out in the edit.’

  ‘That’s actually not so easy, Petal,’ said Chase patiently.

  ‘He says it’s not that easy,’ she said into the phone. ‘Yes, I’ll tell him.’ She looked at him again. ‘Mum says it is that easy and don’t be so lazy, Chase, darling.’

  Chase smiled. ‘Sure thing, Petal. It’s not a problem,’ he said.

  Chapter 14

  Dirk Dilly wasn’t easily impressed. But standing on the Y of the Hollywood sign set in the hills above Los Angeles, he couldn’t help but admire the view. It was early evening. The city lights stretched on for miles, reminding Dirk of the opening sequence to The Big Zero.

  ‘Get yourself off that thing,’ said Kitelsky, poking his head around the side of the W.

  ‘Yeah, you get seen, we’re all in trouble,’ said Putz, looking through a huge O.

  Dirk had noticed that, as the two Desert Dragons got nearer the city, they had become increasingly nervous about being seen.

  ‘Right, let’s get going,’ said Dirk, jumping down.

  ‘What? Now?’ said Kitelsky.

  ‘Maybe we should get a good night’s sleep first,’ said Putz.

  ‘Whoever’s stolen that film won’t be sleeping,’ said Dirk. ‘Besides, it’ll be easier to travel across the roofs at night.’

  ‘Across the roofs?’ said Putz.

  ‘Of course,’ said Dirk casually. ‘Don’t worry, city-dwelling humans don’t look up much and most of these seem to be in cars.’

  ‘But what if one of them does look up?’ said Putz.

  ‘If you get spotted, just stop and blend,’ said Dirk. ‘Humans are easily distracted. A song will come on the radio that they like, or they’ll see something in a shop window, or they’ll catch a whiff from a fast food joint and the memory of the shadow that passed overhead will vanish like that.’ Dirk clicked his claws together and jumped on to an L.

  ‘Blend? What you talking about?’ said Putz. ‘Desert Dragons can’t blend.’

  ‘Really? I didn’t know that,’ said Dirk innocently.

  ‘You know full well that only Mountain Dragons can blend,’ said Kitelsky.

  ‘Then you’ll just have to take your chances. Unless …’ Dirk paused.

  ‘Unless what?’ said Kitelsky.

  ‘No, forget it,’ replied Dirk.

  ‘Unless what, Dilly?’ repeated Kitelsky.

  ‘Look, you two are quick but you don’t know this environment. Me, I’m an urban-based Mountain Dragon. Why don’t you stay here and keep look-out? I’ll go find the tape and bring it back.’

  ‘No way,’ said Kitelsk. ‘We’re comin’ wi’ you.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ said Dirk, heading down the hill. ‘Just remember to keep away from convertibles … oh, and watch out for window cleaners … and all those tall buildings in the financial area could cause a problem … and don’t forget roof gardens …’

  ‘Gee, Kitelsky,’ said Putz. ‘You know what he’s talking about?’

  ‘… and builders …’ continued Dirk.

  ‘It seems to me like this Mountain Dragon spends a lot of time around humans,’ replied Kitelsky.

  ‘… and astronomers can be a problem. They’re always looking up,’ added Dirk.

  ‘Maybe we should leave it to him,’ said Putz.

  ‘I’m inclined to agree wi’ you,’ said Kitelsky.

  ‘You’re not coming?’ said Dirk.

  ‘Don’t look so pleased,’ said Kitelsky. ‘We’ll be here, cooking up some fresh poison that’s comin’ your way if I smell so much as a whiff of double-crossin’.’

  ‘You have my word as a dragon and as a detective,’ said Dirk.

  ‘We’ll wait here by the sign,’ said Putz.

  ‘You’d better come and tell us when you find some-thin’,’ said Kitelsky.

  Dirk headed down the hill, where the trees got thicker and provided enough cover to move swiftly to the city.

  One of the tricks of the trade that Dirk had picked up in his years working as a private detective was the ability to make a phone call without a phone. It was more difficult in London, where the telephone cables ran underground, but in Los Angeles they were raised on poles, giving Dirk easy access.

  He landed on a roof next to a mast, in a quiet part of town. He reached out his right claw and connected to the wire. He held his left claw to his ear like he was holding a phone and adjusted his right until he heard a diall
ing tone. He tapped out the number Holly had given him and waited for an answer.

  ‘Hello?’ said a familiar voice.

  ‘Hey, kiddo, it’s me.’

  ‘Dirk!’ she exclaimed. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Let’s just say this isn’t a long-distance call,’ said Dirk.

  ‘You’re in LA?’ said Holly.

  ‘LA? Listen to you, you’ve gone all showbiz on me. How was your big film role?’

  ‘It was strange.’ She told him about the scene in Little Hope Village Hall then she said, ‘How about you? Any clues about the film yet?’

  ‘I’ve found the stars, a couple of Desert Dragons from out of town. A right pair of characters, not too friendly but they didn’t seem to know anything about the filming.’

  ‘So what’s next?’ asked Holly.

  ‘Any ideas who the last person to see the film was?’ asked Dirk.

  ‘That would have been Theo,’ replied Holly.

  ‘Any other details?’

  ‘Archie, Dirk’s on the phone. Give me that card Theo gave you,’ said Holly. ‘Thanks. Theo Leggett, Assistant Director.’ She read out the phone number.

  ‘Holly and Archie, come down here immediately,’ shouted Holly’s dad in the background. ‘We have dinner reservations and we’ve got to stop off at Mr Buchanan’s first.’

  ‘Coming,’ shouted Holly. ‘You don’t think Buchanan’s involved in this, do you?’ she said into the receiver.

  ‘We’ve got no reason to suspect him,’ said Dirk.

  ‘I suppose not,’ said Holly. ‘Archie says hi.’

  ‘Hi to Archie,’ replied Dirk. ‘If the trail leads to Buchanan, I’ll let you know, but I’m going to start with this Theo character. Nine times out of ten in my experience the last person to see something is the first person you suspect of having taken it. I’ll speak soon.’

  Dirk hung up and dialled Theo’s number. It rang once then a nervous voice answered, ‘Theo Leggett speaking. Hello?’

  ‘Mr Leggett, my name’s Dirk Dilly. I work for an insurance company,’ said Dirk, doing his best to sound professional. ‘I need to ask you a few questions.’

  ‘What insurance company?’ said Theo, a note of suspicion in his voice.