I didn’t know when the sun had set, or how long I’d been standing in the doorway. The day had been a haze of crying and vomiting and fits of broken sleep. After calling Beman to say I was sick, Gretchen had insisted on staying with me. I’d sent her away. I’d caused enough hurt to everyone already, and I’d needed to be alone with my thoughts – to live alone through the mess I’d made.
The skies were dark grey, and a light fog infiltrated the city. Clouds weighty with rain crept languorously across the sky, settling overhead like an old man in his favorite chair. My mood was as heavy as the threatening storm, and I let the gloom wrap itself around me like a cloak. The air was thick, and the rain started abruptly and severely, suggesting a violent tempest.
The faintest glow came through the window as the day ended, casting darkness everywhere it didn’t touch. The light switch flipped with an empty thud. I felt my way to the hallway closet, where we kept candles for the times when the electricity cut out. I lit each one in the bedroom along with the decorative ones that were already out. Little tea candles glowed, and the room filled with scents of cinnamon and vanilla.
I sat alone in the silence, on the edge of my plush white comforter, unsure of what to do with myself. Everything was eerily still, and all I heard was the increasing violence of the falling rain. Lightning lit up the room. As when I was a child, I counted – one one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand – until I heard thunder cackle somewhere in the distance. I thought of David and our last words to each other.
There came a slow but deliberate rap against the apartment door – knock, knock, knock. I passed the bedroom mirror. By habit, I glanced at my reflection. I could only see the faint glow of my pale skin against Bill’s navy crewneck sweater. It hung from my shoulders down to my mid-thighs and over ratty jeans. My hand went instinctively to the hair knotted at the top of my head, and I tucked some renegade pieces behind my ear. I was thankful that it was likely only Gretchen, back to check on me.
I put my cheek to the door. “Who is it?”
“Open the door, Olivia.” David.
The wood burned against my cheek, and I suddenly felt hot in Bill’s sweater. Life seeped out of my muscles, leaving them fatigued. I didn’t say anything, but fitted myself against the door.
“Olivia.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked so softly that I doubted he had even heard. “What are you thinking?”
“Do you want me to tell the whole hallway why I’m here?” he countered in a voice equally as low. I unlatched the door and looked at him with hard eyes. He pushed his way in, slamming the door behind him. He followed me into the bedroom where the lighting was slightly more affable than the dank kitchen.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded. “You can’t come here. Ever.” I knew by the look on his face that he heard the wavering in my voice. Sweat trickled down my stomach, and my jeans stuck to my legs, stifling me. I slid a window open and turned to face him.
He surprised me with his next words. “I didn’t want to come. I meant what I said in my office, and I’m furious that you didn’t give me the chance to explain. I deserved that chance.”
I widened my eyes at him. “You’re furious? How dare you?”
He held up his hand. “Do not interrupt me.”
I recoiled as though he’d slapped me, and my nostrils flared.
“Gretchen called me,” he deadpanned.
My jaw dropped. “She what?”
“She told me that Bill’s out of town and that I should come immediately.”
That was when I noticed the dark scruff on his face. His wild black hair, damp from the rain and his hooded chestnut eyes that glowed in the candlelight. His impeccable posture remained, but he was a different man, his composure cracked.
“Why did you come?” I pleaded. “You promised you wouldn’t chase me.” My chin trembled. “You’re making this too hard. You can’t be here in my husband’s home.”
“And where is your husband? Where is he ever?” he asked angrily. He grasped my chin between two fingers, inspecting my tear-streaked face until I jerked away. “How could he leave you like this?”
Though his eyes were tired, there was determination there. I crossed my arms into my body, depressed my welling chest and braced myself for the conversation I thought would never happen. “You lied to me,” I said. “And you hurt me that night at the ball.”
“I know that I hurt you, and I’ve spent weeks regretting that night. But the idea of him touching you – holding you, dancing with you, when it should have been me . . . The hardest part was that you looked so goddamn happy. It ripped my heart out.”
“You made me feel like trash.”
“I lost control,” he uttered, swallowing audibly. “I saw red, and I should have left the party immediately. I never meant to make you feel that way.” His bearing was stiff, almost cold, but he flinched when he said, “For that, I’m sorry.”
“None of this matters, David. Just say what you have to say, and get out.”
He scrubbed his face a moment and sighed. His jaw worked from side to side. “There’s no excuse for buying the house. But here’s the truth. Everything. I don’t care anymore if you’re ready to hear it. But you have to know that this is the truth, because I’m not going to repeat myself.”
I didn’t respond, but crossed my arms tighter.
“When you told me that Bill had made an offer, I panicked. I’d never been as scared as I was in that moment. I could not – would not – let him buy that house. I instructed my realtor to make the owners an offer they couldn’t refuse.”
I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. “Because of a measly profit? I thought you were – ”
“Because I wanted it to be me.”
I blinked my eyes open.
“Because I wanted to be the one buying you your dream home and fixing it up for you. I wanted us to be the ones to grow old in it.”
The memory of David in the house flooded over me, and I gripped the ends of my sleeves. It was so real; I had seen him there. Did he see us there too?
He looked so painfully beautiful in the candlelight. His shadowed face was raw with emotion, and I wanted to pull him to me. I had spent months fantasizing about pulling him to me and never letting him go. “That’s what you want?” I asked. “That home?”
“I want it with you. Only you. Because we belong there.”
I inhaled deeply, absorbing the meaning of his gesture. A future – with me. He’d had enough faith in our connection that he’d bought a house, even knowing it might drive me away. And I – oh, I could see it. I wanted those things too. It was a future that sounded right, that didn’t scare me. But none of that changed the facts. It didn’t change the past or the present.
Silence crept into the space between us, save the pounding of the rain outside. Flames danced in the wind. He stepped towards me slowly, as if testing the water.
“No,” I said firmly and held up my hands. My voice broke. “You have to go.”
“I love you.”
I gaped at him. Love? When had love come into this? But hadn’t I known it all along? And didn’t I love him too?
But I shook my head. “No, David, no. I can’t . . . We can’t.” I felt the threat of fresh tears. “You don’t love me.”
“I love you.” He stepped closer and pulled me into his arms, but I pushed against his chest violently.
“No,” I said loudly, and he took a step back.
“I loved you from the start, don’t you know that? I never stood a chance.”
Lightning illuminated his face, and an unsteady future flashed before my eyes. The low, deep growl of thunder rumbled directly above us before cracking like a lion tamer’s whip. I burned, like my vanilla candle, and yearned, my fingertips tingling with impatience to feel him.
Instead, I looked down. The carpet sprouted between my toes, and I wished I could crawl into the floor to hide in its welcoming softness. Because I knew what would happen
next. I felt like crying, like running into the rain and letting it merge with my tears. The pendulum of emotion inside me swung high and fierce.
When I looked back at him, he basked in the soft yellow glow. My pulse quickened in seconds. He didn’t even need to touch me.
He fell to his knees in front of me, pulled up my sweater and kissed the skin underneath. Slowly, he unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down before running his hands over my legs.
His lips explored me, kissing the backs of my sweat-dampened knees, the insides of my thighs, then my pubic bone through my panties. My legs trembled as I stepped out of my pants, away from him. He cast them aside and pulled me forward by my sweater. He rocked back off his knees and leaned forward to put his mouth on my parted lips but stopped inches away. He remained there as though he were sucking my spirit out through my mouth, and not only my spirit but my heart, which beat faster and faster because I’m afraid, David, so afraid.
His body heat radiated and mingled with mine; I wondered when he had removed our clothing. Despite my nakedness, I was flushed. My eyes searched his face. I almost couldn’t decipher the words when he breathed, “I love you.”
I shook my head, blinking back tears. One escaped and drifted down the side of my cheek, over my cheekbones, falling to our feet. “No,” I said. “This is something more.”
I threw my arms around his neck, and he devoured me in an urgent kiss. Our shaking bodies absorbed one another. His hands ran along the sides of my breasts and then down to encircle my waist, clutching me against the hard body I’d come to love. Every touch was real, every touch sent chills over my skin.
We fell back into the carpet that had promised refuge only moments before. My legs opened for him, and he ground his pelvis against me.
I raked my hands through his hair, and he dropped his weight on me. I thrust my hips up and gasped as he drove all the way into me. His cheek scraped against my neck as he kissed it. I clenched him between my legs, and he released a shuddering cry against my skin. His pace hurried, and he plowed me with such power that our bodies dripped with sweat.
He slid into me over and over, slowly then quickly, making sure that I felt every inch of him. I inhaled sharply with each change of pace.
“You’re so fucking sexy,” he rumbled at me. “And so tight.”
My hips eagerly met the force of each delicious plunge. “I’m gonna make you come harder than you ever have,” I rasped.
He growled as thunder vibrated the room and bucked harder, deeper. “Oh, Olivia,” he groaned as sweat trickled from his body onto mine. I craned my neck to watch as I swallowed up the thick base of his cock. My arousal amplified just watching his abs flex with each drive.
As I approached the edge, I grasped for something to hold on to but there was only him. My surroundings were speckled with white flashes as my body responded, constricting around him and trembling under his hulking body.
“You feel too good,” he uttered hoarsely. “I’m never letting you go, you feel so fucking amazing.”
“Come for me, baby.” I grasped urgently at his hair and pulled him down to me. “I need you, David,” I begged into his mouth. “All of you.”
“No,” he hissed. “Not . . . until – ”
“I’m yours,” I cried. “I’m yours, David, I’m yours, I’m yours.”
“Olivia,” he moaned. His muscles tensed and released, his body convulsed and he finished me off with unwavering focus. I gasped and arched from the floor as my nerves shattered into a million divine pieces. I writhed into his punishing final thrust, and with a primal roar, he erupted inside me.
He collapsed, pinning me to the floor with his solid, sweaty body. Heat radiated from us, engulfed us. My hands touched his shoulders, his neck and his face, pushing the matted hair from his forehead. He drew back and ensnared me in a desperate kiss. He pulled on my knotted hair to fall breathlessly into the curve of my neck. In that moment, nothing mattered more to me than the feeling of him, real and secure on top of me.
~
I struck a match and lit one candle on the kitchen table. We had dressed quickly in the dark and hurried from the bedroom, though I knew well enough that his spell could not be confined to any particular space. I moved to sit across from him, but he pulled me down, and I fell into this lap. He sat back and rested me against his arm, giving me a quick but sensual kiss.
“Is this from the tree?” I asked, capturing his slightly bruised and swollen hand in mine. “Does it hurt?”
“Not anymore.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I.”
I hesitated and clutched his t-shirt as though he might disappear suddenly. “Did you . . .”
“What?” he asked, tugging on my bun so I had to look up. I could feel his heart pounding, but his expression was soft.
“Did you mean it?”
His face creased. “Do you think I would say it and not mean it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Olivia, I’m in love with you. I’ve known for so long, but I also knew it would scare you away. You gave me no choice though.”
Silence fell between us. With David’s past and my present, I couldn’t tell him that I loved him too. I looked away and rested my cheek against his chest.
He ran a hand over my hair. “Olivia.”
“David,” I replied, squeezing my eyes shut and tensing in his embrace.
“I want more,” he whispered in my ear. “I want you.”
“It can’t be.”
“Why not?”
I shook my head. “This is wrong. It’s the last time. Bill knows, and you and I are done.”
“There are other options.”
I climbed off of his lap, tension settling again in my neck. As the glow wore off, everything I’d been shouldering seeped back into my thoughts, wakening my conscience. “He’s not going to leave. He doesn’t want a divorce.”
He bolted upright. “That’s not what I mean. This can work,” he said with blazing eyes. “If you want it to,” he added.
“H-how?” I stammered, taken aback by the intensity of his glare.
He lifted a hand and ran his knuckles over my cheek before taking my jaw. When he spoke, his voice was urgent and grave. “You leave him.”
CHAPTER 25
DAVID’S WORDS SANK AND SANK until they settled heavily in my consciousness. I had no idea how long I’d stood there gaping at him before breath rushed back into my lungs. “What?”
“You leave him.”
I pulled my chin from his grasp. “Think about what you’re saying,” I implored, stepping back. “You want me to leave my husband for you? Do you have any idea what that would involve?”
“We can handle it. Together.”
“David,” I said with an unsteady breath. “What I’ve been through since . . . There was a moment where . . .” I let the sentence trail off. Saying these things aloud were different than thinking them. I’d opened up to him, but not like this. The thought terrified me, but I looked him straight in the face. “There was a moment when I thought I might die without you. But you – you don’t know what you’re asking. I can’t just leave. And you aren’t ready for such a commitment. I’ve already ruined so much,” I said, pressing my fingertips to the corners of my eyes. “I have to make things right.”
His voice was stern. “When I said that everything was for you, I meant it. My whole life I’ve been building and saving and preparing for the woman I knew would come along. I had to believe you were out there, because if I didn’t, I would have nothing.” His big shoulders heaved as he took a breath. “I’m not a religious or spiritual man. I am guided solely by my instincts, my gut. And they have led me to you. Without you, I have nothing to believe in.”
I blinked, shocked into silence. His words were needy, romantic, loving – misaligned with the man I had originally suspected him to be. Even though his bearing was stiff, tense even, I could see that there was only truth in his eyes. “I – I don’t know what t
o say, David.” I did though – I wanted to say that it was beautiful. That no one had ever said anything like that to me.
“It’s just the truth, the plain fucking truth.”
An awed smile touched my face. He was looking at me again the way he had that night at the hotel. Love. Love is what I saw that night, and that is what scared me. I already knew on some level that you loved me, David Dylan.
I inhaled. “You want me to leave my husband? Is that really what you’re asking?”
“Divorce him, Olivia.”
I shivered at the word. “I don’t think I could do it,” I said honestly.
“I would be there every step of the way.”
“I can’t even – have you even talked to Dani?”
“I tried to tell you. I ended things, but she begged me to take her to that one last event. I owed her that much.”
“You owed her?”
“She’s been patient and sweet, but I can’t give her what she wants with you in the picture.”
“And if I weren’t?” I bristled.
“I don’t even care enough to wonder. She said she had already paid for the tickets and that she was embarrassed to go alone. I’m only human.”
I scoffed to myself. “That was a lie, they were Gretchen’s tickets.”
He pursed his lips. “Regardless. Do you trust me that nothing happened with her? She kissed me that night, but I stopped it. She was desperate.”
I nodded and looked away. “What about Maria?” I asked into the dark kitchen.
He exhaled a short laugh. “Do you think I’m playing games, Olivia? I don’t want Dani, I don’t want Maria, I want you. I would never ask you to leave your husband if I wasn’t ready for the commitment. Not just ready, but dying for it.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Why? I don’t understand why.”
“Why what?”
“Why me?” I whispered. “What makes me worthy? You could have anyone.”
His face fell. He cupped his hands under my jaw and looked directly at me. “How can you say that?” he asked sadly. He sighed, looked around the room and then back at me. “I’ve never had trouble meeting women, that’s true. But I knew as early as my first kiss that there was something missing. I never gave up hope that the right girl was out there. I knew you were it the moment our eyes met.” He paused and ran his thumbs over my cheekbones. “I didn’t need any other proof after our first night together. If you don’t see it now, you will.”
Come Alive (The Cityscape Series) Page 23
