Tears were streaming down my face, not only at the grave sincerity of his words, but because of how they echoed my own thoughts. How long had I secretly wished that Bill would tear me open and teach me what it meant to love? I still naïvely believed that he might one day. Had he waited too long, though?
“You want me to leave him?” I asked again.
He brushed a piece of hair from my forehead. “With everything I am. But even more, I want you to want to leave him. I want you to realize that he’s not right for you, and that you deserve to be loved fiercely. And if I’m lucky, you’ll choose me to do it. You said you were mine. And I know you meant it.”
My face screwed up as more tears fell. Even if I left Bill, could I let myself love David the way he needed? Did he deserve someone as cold as me? Would just loving me be enough for him? I searched his face. His eyes had always been my refuge; they seemed to know things that I didn’t.
My heart jumped in my chest when I realized that I could love him the way he needed. Without boundaries. Without control. I wanted to tell him, but it scared me more than anything, even more than leaving my life behind. I could fall into those heavenly brown eyes and never find my way out.
He wiped my face of the tears before leaning in to kiss my closed lips. “Talk to me. This won’t work if you’re not honest.”
I hated myself when I said, “I made a commitment to Bill.”
He dropped his hands to his hips, and his eyes narrowed. “I realize that. Trust me, it’s kept me up many nights. But this isn’t something we can just walk away from.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I cried. “Don’t you know that I felt it from the beginning? What do you want to hear? That I’m yours, that you’re the one who has my heart? You know you do! But what can I do? I made a commitment!”
“That’s no way to go through life!” he roared. “It’s not fair to either of you! This last month has been a glimpse of how life will be for all of us. Is that what you want?”
I shook my head hard.
“So then make the decision.”
“Nobody would understand.”
“Is that what this is about? Other people?”
“No.” I sniffled. “And yes. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s right anymore.”
“I won’t let anybody hurt you,” he said. “You make this decision, and we’re in it together. I will be your shield.”
“David, I can’t – how can I? How can I leave him after what I’ve done? And after he stood by me anyway?”
“What we have is stronger than all of it. Have you ever felt anything like this?”
It was always all of my strength to fight our magnetic pull to each other. I didn’t know how David knew, but I had not ever had this with Bill, or with anyone else. “I need time,” I squeaked.
“No. There’s no more time.”
My insides jolted, and I clasped an arm over my stomach. “What?”
“I said no. I cannot do this anymore. It’s killing me. I love you and you either love me or you don’t. But please, put me out of my misery,” he pleaded. His hands ran over his face and dove into his hair maniacally. “You have to decide.”
“I – I can’t,” I stuttered. “Please don’t make me.”
“You have to decide!” The bass of his voice bounced off the walls. Veins pulsed from his neck, and his face flushed with rage. “Can’t you see that this is it? It’s me or him. End this, now.”
I steadied myself against the chair. “No, please, just give me some time – ”
“I’ve given you enough time.” He took an easy stride and grasped my face in his hands. “I love you,” he said earnestly, “but this is destroying both of us. End this. If you don’t, then I will. And once I walk out that door, it’s truly over.” I whimpered as he stared into my eyes. He kissed me gently. “My sweet,” he murmured, between soft kisses. “Say the word, and I will give you everything.”
My chin quivered viciously in his hands. My eyelids blinked fresh tears onto my cheeks. Everything? But there was only one thing I wanted. I wanted him, wholly and completely. Somehow, inexplicably – incomprehensibly – he was the only thing that had ever felt absolute in my life. “David,” I whispered.
The corner of his mouth twitched. I loved the corner of that mouth. I loved the sexy crease in his chin. I loved the rawness of his almost-gold eyes. I loved him, and I wanted to spend forever proving it to him.
But the words wouldn’t come; they stuck in my mouth, lodging in my throat. I swallowed them down, along with a hard, painful lump. It meant breaking a heart, a commitment, a life. I wasn’t choosing between Bill and David. I was choosing between Bill and me.
David’s eyes darted between mine, and I watched the hope drain from his features. “It’s him?” he asked. He dropped his hands and stepped back. My knees gave, and I fell to the floor in a broken, sobbing heap. How could I have done this to everyone? How was I the source of so much despair?
He strode away, pulled open the door and without looking at me, turned his head over his shoulder. “You can have the house.”
I choked back an aching sob. “No!” I screamed, but it was muted by the slam of the door.
The first time I saw David was electric. Our eyes had met across that shining lobby, and it was as if the heavens had smiled right on me. What was that feeling? Was it lust? Was it love? Was it nothing? Or everything?
As I broke apart on the kitchen floor, I realized that losing David meant losing myself. Life without him – the anguished months I’d spent spiraling downward – was no life at all.
And then I knew what the feeling was.
I scrambled to my feet and flung open the door. I ran into the rain after him, and with everything I had, I screamed, “It’s you!”
He stopped. His shoulders tensed, but he remained frozen as the sky fell around us.
My voice cut clearly through the rain when I said, “Of course it’s you. You are my home.”
After what felt like an eternity, he turned slowly. Pain etched his face. For a heartbreaking moment, I thought I was too late. But then he stepped forward, and suddenly I was running. He opened his arms, and I jumped, and I was home.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica Hawkins grew up between the purple mountains and under the endless sun of Palm Springs, California. She studied international business at Arizona State University and has also lived in Costa Rica and New York City. Some of her favorite things include traveling, her dog Kimo, Scrabble, driving aimlessly and creating Top Five lists. She is the helpless victim of an overactive imagination that finds inspiration in music and tranquility in writing. Currently she resides wherever her head lands, which lately is the unexpected (but warm) keyboard of her trusty MacBook.
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Come Alive (The Cityscape Series) Page 24
