by Claire Adams
Maybe it was cathartic for Makani, too. She had her whole thing with Keno and as far as I knew, she hadn’t spoken to him yet – even though she totally wanted to. We were sort of in different boats, but I could still empathize with feeling bitter about someone else’s happy ending, even if it was just in a movie.
We decided against The Notebook at the last minute because it was too much of a bummer, but got through two more Kate Hudson movies before we turned in. We had work the next day, but Makani stayed over. I was glad she did.
Was this what it was like for Nate? I wasn't trying to compare me trying not to think about him to him trying to stay clean, but now that the light was off and Makani was asleep, I couldn't help wondering how he was.
It wasn't all for nothing. Even if I wasn't helping him anymore, he was still taking care of himself. At least, I hoped he still was. Whatever that phone call was, I hoped it hadn't pushed him back into using. I didn't have to be part of the equation for him to be healthy. I just hoped that if he was done with me, he at least kept his sobriety.
Chapter Twenty-One
Nate
When you've been sick long enough, you stop noticing that your body hasn't been working right. Being sick becomes your new normal, and when you're not sick anymore, it's like a shock. You don't know what to do with all the energy you suddenly have or all the full nights you've been sleeping with no problem.
Twenty-two days. I wasn't detoxing anymore. I was clean. Obviously, not as clean as I had been before I'd ever done dope, but as clean as it was possible to be as a former druggie.
That's right. Former. I'd kicked it. Was it too early to start calling myself recovered?
I felt recovered. I was writing music again. I felt stronger. I was waking up earlier; I mean, shit, I'd been up before nine almost every day the past two weeks. Everything was great. It was like I was on drugs again, but I wasn't. I was clean. The dope had put this weird fog over everything, and now that it was gone, I felt like I had never noticed how beautiful everything around me was.
I swear to God, it was like someone had put a new coat of paint over the entire world. It was new and bright, and I fucking loved it. I felt great. I wanted to do things again, things that didn’t involve getting loaded and passing out. I felt like I could finally think. My mind wasn't zapped, doped up, and cloudy.
I was on vacation, in paradise, and I was off the drugs. Whether I had known it or not, it was like the drugs had been my biggest problem, and now I didn't have it anymore. It was perfect.
Mostly perfect.
I had been sober when I had told Abby that I didn't want to see her again, and I knew that I had not imagined the look on her face when she left.
The last thing I had told her to do was shut up and leave me alone. I had wanted her to leave, and it had worked.
That was a lie.
I had wanted to make myself feel better about the fact that I was going to leave. I did want her to stay. I wanted to share this with her. I wanted us to hang out without thinking about when I could get my next fix and her not having to worry about whether I was feeling sick.
Was there a better way to let someone know you didn't want them than just straight up telling them? Even if it was a lie?
I had been avoiding the front lobby like the plague. I wanted to see her, so fucking bad. I wanted her in my bed again. I wanted to fuck her, but I'd want that when I was back in LA, too, and this vacation was over. I wasn't here to start again; my life was in LA, and I was going back to it. This was her life. She was staying here.
I couldn't see her, but that hadn't meant that I'd gone into hiding for the past two weeks. It was hard to get around the hotel without going through the lobby, but I had managed to go back to the Garden of the Gods a few more times.
Abby had mentioned that I had to see it at sunset, and she had been right. It was like entering another dimension when I was there. The rocks looked like they glowed in the light of the sunset. It was amazing.
It also maybe helped me feel a little closer to her since I couldn't actually be close to her. There was that, I guess. I felt a little nostalgic about it. I remember feeling like I wanted to kill her that first day she forced me out of my suite to go there, but now, I remembered it sort of fondly.
It was morning, but I wanted to leave the suite. If I took the stairs instead of the elevator, then I wouldn't go by the front lobby. Being in my suite alone all the time wasn't that appealing anymore. I walked towards the bar because if I was hanging out with anyone, it might as well be a familiar face.
It was early, so Keno was there by himself. He was wiping a glass when he saw me.
"Hey, Keno," I said first.
"Nate, it's been awhile. I thought you went home, brother," he said.
"I'm here all summer."
"You look different," he said.
"I've been making some healthier choices lately," I said, smirking.
"You're not drinking today?" he asked. I shook my head. I didn't need it. I felt good.
"How have you been?" I asked him.
"Good. Busy. That's how it is every summer when you guys come to the islands."
"I bet you can't wait for us all to go back where we came from."
"As long as you buy a lot of drinks before you go," he joked. I laughed.
"It’s easy to forget I don't actually live here," I admitted.
"Not looking forward to going back?" he asked. Wasn’t that the fucking truth?
"I'm on vacation while I'm here. When I go back, I gotta work," I said. A version of the truth, but not the whole truth.
"Better make the rest of your time here count, then. Before you know it, you'll be on that plane back," he said. I nodded.
"I gotta get out more," I said, laughing.
"Listen, I'm going on a hike after my shift. You should come." A hike? I'd never gone on a hike, not on purpose, at least. I lived in LA, but it wasn't really my scene. I preferred the gym. Since he had offered, though, it didn't seem like such a bad idea. Abby wasn't taking me anywhere anymore. Might as well, right?
"Sure. That sounds great. Thanks."
"The guys here at the hotel could hook you up with some gear if you don't have any. Just check the island adventure center." I thanked him and said I'd meet him later.
I took his advice, getting myself some real hiking boots before meeting him at the entrance of the hotel, where a car took us out to the city. He said the trail we were doing was the Munro Trail. It was a lot of forest and there were some pretty serious elevations, he warned me beforehand. It was all good. I could take a climb. I felt like I could do anything since getting off the dope. The trail began beyond the city and went up behind it.
I had started working out a lot more since I had quit, so it wasn't that hard. The island was so small I could practically see where it started and where it ended. Plus, Keno was cool. He was good company. He was no Abby, but I wanted very different things from her than I wanted from him. He told me he had lived on Lanai all his life and was going to die here, too, as far as he was concerned.
It was sort of embarrassing hearing where he had come from. We had had very different lives. I felt like a little Richie Rich asshole who'd been coddled my whole life. He lived in a small place in Lanai City, but he'd done it himself.
I knew what it meant to be my father's son. I knew how much clout my last name carried. It was part of the reason why I hadn't followed him into business. Money made misery easier; it didn't make you happy. Even if you wiped your tears with Ben Franklins, you were still crying.
What was that like? Being in the same place all your life? I’d had a passport since I could talk. Besides moving to LA from San Francisco, I had been around the world, most of the time just because. Just to travel. Was it because he couldn't? Or because he didn't want to? It seemed so limiting to me.
"You've never left this island? Are you fucking serious?" I asked him.
"I've been to Maui, Molokai, Kauai-"
"You've n
ever gone to the mainland?"
"Nope," he said lightly.
"Why?"
"Why would I? I live here."
"You're surrounded by people who've traveled here from different places. You never wanted to go somewhere yourself?"
"I've thought about it, but it's not that important to me to try leave. I don't want to leave. There are things I want that I want to get for myself; that's just not one of them."
"I could never do it. I mean, I came here, didn't I? I like being able to leave if I want to."
"You have something to run away from," he said sagely. "Or you're just not in the right place."
"If you had my life, you'd know why I had to run," I told him. We trekked in silence for a few minutes.
"Can I ask you something?" Keno said.
"Sure, what?"
"What's going on between you and Abby?"
"Nothing," I said truthfully.
"You had a lot of questions about who she was dating," he said. He didn't sound like he was accusing me, but he was onto me.
"I wanted to know," I said shrugging.
"Did you go out?"
"No... Well, sort of. It was just a few times, and she was basically just taking me on tours around the island. It wasn't that deep."
"You like her," he said looking in front of him.
"She was all right," I tried to say, flippantly.
"If she was all right, then what happened?"
"Nothing happened."
"Something happened. Otherwise, you'd still be hanging out with her. I know you're only here because you two aren’t talking anymore," he said.
"It's not like that," I started, defensively.
"Nate, it's not a big deal. I know how it goes. What happened between you two?"
"I couldn't do it to her anymore. When the summer ends, I'm going back to LA. She's staying here."
"I think she knows that, brother."
"It's not right. I can't make her believe this can be a real thing and then just up and leave at the end of August."
"You didn't want to hurt her?"
"Yeah. I mean, it's shitty leading her on like that. It's better if she doesn't have any expectations. Then, I can't disappoint her."
"I can see why you did it, but, tell me something, are you happier that you did?" he asked.
"What?" I frowned.
"Are you happy with that decision you made to cut her off?"
"No. I liked hanging out with her. She's a great girl."
"Do you think she's happy about it?"
"Definitely not. I think she hates me for what I said to her."
"Love's a scary thing, but you can’t be scared of it," he said.
"Whoa, who's talking about love?" I asked.
"I'm just saying," he said. "Love makes its own decisions. It's a mystery, it can take you anywhere. Make you do anything."
"I'm not in love with Abby."
"I never said you were," he said, looking over at me.
"So what's your point?" I asked, angrier than I wanted to sound.
"My point is you made that decision for a reason, but if it isn't making you happy, then maybe it's not a good enough one." I thought about it. Love? He had to slow the hell down; we weren't doing all of that. We had slept together a few times. We weren't in love.
"By the way, if you're willing to torture yourself and her because you're afraid to hurt her, you are in love," he said.
"You're single. I'm supposed to take your advice why?" I asked. He laughed.
"I'm not single because I want to be. I don't have a choice. You don't have to be single. You made that choice." I thought about what he had said the entire way back to the resort after the hike. Maybe he was onto something.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Abby
This was my fourth summer at the Four Seasons. I loved my job and the position it put me in to meet new people every day. Never in my four years had I thought that my job was boring. It wasn't. It wasn't even that now. There was always someone new or something new happening. It was not boring. It was just normal now.
The weeks I had gotten to spend close to Nate were behind me now, and if I tried, I could pretend that nothing had happened. It helped that I hadn't seen him and he hadn't called the front desk. He must have locked himself up in his suite again. If that was what he had done, then, oh well, that was what he wanted to do with his time.
It was callous to say he wasn't my problem anymore, but I realized around four days in when I had still been feeling like shit, with Makani's help, that there was a difference between mourning and moping.
It had been about two weeks now, and I was feeling better. I’d let myself feel deeply for Nate in the short time that we had been in contact, but that was over now. Other things had begun, and other things were going to keep happening.
Simply put, I had to move on. I had stuck my neck out for Nate and put my heart out there. This was something that he didn't want, and even though that rejection had hurt, all it signaled was the end; it didn't erase everything that had happened. The summer wasn't over yet. It was fine if he wasn't part of it because there were so many other people who were going to be.
I wasn't so distraught that I couldn't work anymore. I'd been spending most of my time back at the desk with Makani, but today I was outside, on tour duty again, and this was a little different.
Rayleigh and Hank had just gotten married and were here for their honeymoon. In the time it had taken me to show them around the resort, barring the golf course, they had managed to give me an entire rundown of their gorgeous wedding and how it almost hadn't happened. They had meant to have the wedding and the honeymoon at the Four Seasons, but a mistake booking had meant they thought they were getting married in Hawai’i before they had called to confirm their booking.
They were a young couple from Texas; they hadn't had to tell me because I could hear their accents. I didn't think I sounded very Texan since moving to Lanai, but when I would hear people who were, I heard my accent slip out a little when I spoke to them.
I loved the weddings we had on the island, but honeymoons were the next best thing. It was nice to think you were part of this experience the couple would remember forever. Rayleigh and Hank were following me back up to the resort from the beach, which they had asked me to show them: the end of their tour.
They had fallen slightly behind me, holding hands and whispering to each other.
"Abby?" Hank called. I stopped walking and let them catch up.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, you might get this a lot, but I mentioned it to Ray, and she said she sees it, too. Have you ever been on television? You're awfully familiar." I felt ice run up my spine, but cleared my throat, giving them my practiced, professional smile.
"Maybe someone should put me on television. You wouldn't believe the number of people who have asked me," I said jokingly. He laughed, making me relax.
"We were just convinced we had to have seen you somewhere."
"If I was on television, someone still owes me a check," I said lightly. His wife caught up, and I sent them on their way, returning to the lobby and getting behind the desk.
That could have gone horribly left, I thought. I hadn't had to lie to a guest like that in a while now. It wasn't something I liked having to talk about, but like my neck, I had to. I guess I always ran the risk of being recognized by someone who might have heard about my father on the mainland and was here on vacation, but I had time and a new name on my side. Most of the time.
I got back to work, sitting down next to Makani. She told me she was going to the bathroom and left, heading to the rear, near our changing room. I looked at my computer for a while before glancing up. A tall man with dark hair caught my eye, and I admonished myself for thinking it was Nate. I looked twice and froze.
It was Nate. I wasn't imagining anything. Fuck. I was alone behind the desk; I had to talk to him.
My heart started pounding, and my throat dried out. We hadn't talked si
nce he had told me in as many words that he was done with me. Seeing him walking towards me, I felt the resentment I had tried to bury beneath my work and being busy rearing up.
I looked down and steeled myself for the conversation as he approached. This was still my job. I'd tell him what he wanted to know and he could leave. What was so important that he had left his room to say it instead of calling, though? I thought despite myself.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Stone," I said stiffly, giving him a detached smile. "How can I help you?"
"Please stop calling me that," he said, smiling. His complexion was alive and bright. He looked rested and peaceful; he looked great. He was a handsome guy anyway, but he looked healthy like he had managed to stay off the drugs.
I had to stop myself from asking because as it stood between us now, I wasn't his friend…or anything else for that matter. I was asking him as an employee of the Four Seasons how I could make his stay more comfortable.
"Is there something I can help you with?" I asked again.
"Actually, yeah," he said suggestively, raking his eyes over my face and body in a way that made me start to sweat. "I want to see you tonight."
"I'm sorry, the resort forbids personal relationships between the staff and guests," I said dismissively.
"Do I have to find your manager and get him to make you come out with me?"
"Is that what you would resort to in order to get me to see you when I clearly don't want to?"
"Come on, Abby. Stop acting like we just met."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm doing my job, Mr. Stone."
"I want to apologize for the past couple weeks. I shouldn't have said what I said to you. I want to talk." I allowed myself to look in his eyes.
"No.”
"Abby," he pleaded.
"I can't give you that if that is all you're looking for. I'm working. You know the limits to what I can and can't give you within those boundaries."
