by Claire Adams
"I know I fucked up. Let me fix this," he said. I shook my head.
"How could you come back to me asking for that after telling me to leave you alone?"
"I made a mistake."
"‘I don't need you anymore,’" I said quietly. "Those were the words you said to me. You made your mind up, and after that, I made my mind up, too. If there is nothing I can help you with, please leave."
"You don't mean that," he said.
"I mean it as much as you did. I didn't hound you after you told me to leave you alone. All I want is the same respect," I said looking back down at my computer. He was silent for a moment, but he didn't move.
"I'm sorry if what I said to you made you hate me. Don't shut me out when I'm trying to apologize to you." I shook my head again.
"You shouldn't have come here to talk to me knowing I wouldn't be able to stop you. Please leave. This is the last time I'm asking," I said.
I kept my eyes down because I didn't want to cry in front of him. I heard him hesitate before finally leaving. I sighed. It was ragged and long; I had been holding my breath. Goddammit, Nate, I thought, touching the corners of my eyes to catch the tears before they started falling.
"Abby?"
I jumped at hearing Makani come back behind the desk.
"Are you okay? I heard what you said to him."
"I'm fine," I said.
"Hey, if you need a little time, it's okay," she said.
I shook my head, sniffing. I didn't want to go to the bathroom and cry like he and I had broken up. That wasn't what it was. We hadn't been together in the first place, so there was no good reason for me to feel like I had lost him. He was never mine.
It just sucked. Why did he have to choose today to come and see me? I was finally feeling normal. He was finally starting to matter less and now, I had to start again from scratch.
And then what he said? He wanted to see me again? How dare he. How dare he act like he hadn't told me to fuck off. No. No way. I couldn't do it. There was a good reason I didn't put myself in this position with anybody, and this was it.
"I'll be fine," I said hollowly to Makani. Still, I felt her watching me the whole day. She didn't believe me. I didn't either.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Nate
Keno might have been kidding about that comment he made the other day on our hike, the one about me hanging out with him because I was on the outs with Abby, and it might have been true at the time, but things had changed since then.
He was a cool guy; I wasn't sure if I was giving him enough credit. There was no other way our paths would have crossed than if I hadn't come to Lanai. On top of that, if things were different and he lived in LA, I don't know whether he'd be the sort of person I hung out with.
I didn't have friends. Not real ones, anyway. Your friend wasn't someone who only had something to say to you when there was something you could offer them. They just liked you.
Keno might have been becoming my friend. I felt like Abby was my friend, in a lot of ways. She cared about me. She went out of her way to do stuff for me. She didn't let me keep hurting myself when I wanted her to. I didn't want to be her friend, though. Not just her friend. Keno could be my friend. I wanted her to be more than that. How much more? It wasn't worth asking since she wanted nothing to do with me now.
I came to the bar more often now, but not to drink in the morning like a crazy person. It was pretty early, but there were still some people lounging around the pool when I passed by it to get to the bar. I said hey to Keno, seeing him in his usual spot. He asked me what I had going on today. Nothing, as usual.
“I was going to head out to the beach. The waves look good today,” he said.
“You want to swim?”
“Surf,” he said. “You’re coming with me.”
“I don’t know how to surf,” I said.
“You’re still coming with me,” he announced, coming around the bar.
“You mean right now?”
“No time like the present,” he said.
“Can you just leave? Aren’t you working?”
“Hawai’i is the freest state in the US; you can do whatever you want here,” he said, laughing.
Shit. Okay, if he said so. I was down. I hadn’t spent much time at the resort’s beach, but I looked at it from my suite every day. I had seen people surfing. I had never done it a day in my life, but why not? Keno was cool.
After giving me a Surf 101 lesson on the beach on our rented boards, we went out on the water. It was a lot harder than he made it look. I watched him more than actually managing to do it myself, but it wasn’t a bad way to spend a morning. He sat on his board and paddled over to me.
“I don’t know if this is my sport, man,” I said.
“You should learn. Girls love it,” he said, laughing. Since he had brought up girls…
"I talked to Abby the other day," I told him.
"That's great. How'd it go?"
"Not good," I admitted.
"She refused to talk to you?"
"No, it wasn't that. I went to talk to her at her desk. I asked her to go out with me. She gave this bum excuse about not being able to see guests personally. That isn't true, is it?"
"Whether it's true or not, that was a really convenient time for her to bring it up," Keno remarked.
"I fucked up. I want to see her, and she won't even give me the time of day."
"You miss her."
"I just want to see her again. It wasn't fair, what I did to her. And it didn't even do anything. I still feel like shit."
"I don't know what you're waiting for, brother," Keno said.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you don't have to do this to yourself."
"I already tried to talk to her. I have to try something else. I don't know. I'll think of something."
"How long will that take?" he asked. "You said it yourself: you’re leaving, she’s staying here. You only have so many days till you have to get on that plane."
"You want me to go to her house and refuse to leave until she agrees to talk to me?" I asked, getting frustrated.
"You remind me of a story I heard once about a man. He was like you, a good guy. He had a good life and he was happy, but he was missing something. He was alone. He wanted a woman, a wife he could spend the rest of his life with. He knew his life was good the way it was, but he couldn't help thinking and dreaming about the life he could have when he finally found her.
“So he started planning for it. He started planning the life he was going to have when he finally found the woman of his dreams. He planned everything: the home they would build together, the family they would raise, even the conversations they would have together, every day for the rest of their lives. He wanted everything to be perfect when he finally found her, but there was one problem.
“He planned for so long, it was all he could think about. He never did all the things he planned to do. He never took time away from his planning to go out and actually find the woman he wanted in the first place. He died with nothing but his big book of plans."
I looked at Keno, pausing because I was sure he was about to keep going. The hell kind of story was that? He died alone in the end anyway?
"He didn't get her in the end?" I asked.
"He was focusing on the wrong thing. Instead of going out to get his girl-"
"He spent all his time figuring what he would do when he got her," I said. "What does that have to do with me?"
"You're him, Nate. Or you're going to be if you let yourself spend all your time thinking about what you could have with Abby, instead of going out and getting her. You're leaving, yeah, but you know what? You're here now. You need to act now and stop planning."
"Was that story supposed to make me feel better?" I asked.
"No. It's supposed to warn you. You're focusing on the wrong thing, brother. You're thinking about that girl when you could be kissing her."
"I can't just go up to her wit
hout thinking about what to do first."
"Just watch how long you wait," he said simply. "Watch how long you make her wait, too."
I thought about that while watching him catch a wave. The story had been cool or whatever, but just telling me to hurry it up before she got over me would have worked just as good. Would have taken a lot less time, too. He was a talker, that guy. He had a lot of stories.
He was completely right, though. It sucked and it was a little embarrassing, but he was right.
What I wanted was Abby. If I wasn't careful, I would make it to the end of my vacation without ever getting her. We stayed on the water a little while longer before heading back up to the hotel, me to my suite and Keno back to work.
I took a shower when I got there, finding my way over to the piano after. No more planning, I thought. A plan’s useless unless it actually gets you what you want. The music came to me before the words, and finally I was writing. No more planning.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Abby
I attended every single luau that the resort held during the peak season. I had to for work, of course, but I still would have even if I didn't have to work.
I was still waiting for the events to get old and staid from the number I had been to, but they still hadn't. The performances were the most important part of the night, but the party atmosphere and the energy were always electric. Being around people who were having a good time was a good time to me.
Besides doing the lei greeting, I got to hang out and socialize with the guests, which was always a great time. Some of them would recognize me from the front desk and strike up conversation. That was the thing about talking to people: they didn't want to be treated like someone you couldn't talk to; they wanted to be treated like human beings.
This was good for me. I felt secure with all the people around me because that meant he would be harder to see, and it would be harder for him to see me. I never wanted to feel that way about anybody, but I wasn't foolish enough to hang onto something that he had said to my face was not something he could give me. It was good to be hopeful, but some things weren't worth risking your heart over.
I smiled seeing Hank and Rayleigh walking into the luau, their first since they'd checked in. I waved, and Rayleigh waved back, seeing me first. I liked them. There was the fact that they were from Texas, which was something I felt connected us a little. Also, they were on their honeymoon — the time in your life that is literally dedicated to nothing but happiness and fun.
"How are you guys tonight?" I asked them as they came closer.
"Great. This is amazing," Rayleigh gushed.
“You guys are early; you can pick some good seats,” Makani told them from next to me.
“Abby warned us how packed these get; she’s been such a great host since we got here,” Rayleigh said, looking over to smile at me. I smiled back.
“Dinner starts in about fifteen minutes; have a great time, guys,” I said. I put a lei over Abby’s head as Makani gave one to Hank. The stream of people coming in had thinned to a trickle, and none of them had been Nate. Good, I thought. I could breathe tonight.
We moved closer to the stage when the performances began, watching from the sidelines. I stood by Makani listening to the host introduce the first act. There were enough seats at the tables, but some people preferred to stand, especially when they weren’t having anything to eat. A small group of guests was standing with us, watching the show. Somebody brushing against my shoulder caught my attention. I looked over. It was a guy, smiling down at me.
“Hey,” he said. “I’m Trent.”
“Abby,” I said, introducing myself. He was tall and blond, with long wavy hair. He was in a t-shirt and board shorts, not that much older than I was if I had to estimate.
“What are you drinking tonight, Abby? It’s on me,” he said.
“Nothing tonight. I’m working.” I smiled politely.
“You gotta clock out at some point,” he said flirtatiously. He was right. I was going to clock out and go home tonight. I could have taken that opportunity to invite him over so I didn’t have to spend the night alone, but I was good. What the hell had happened the last time I had gotten too close to a guest?
“I’m going to have to pass,” I said apologetically. I could see he was disappointed, but he was nice about it and moved on.
I thought vaguely about when I would be ready to get out there again and see people. It wasn’t like it was urgent. I knew I’d feel a huge weight off my shoulders once Nate left, but still, I wasn’t in a hurry. I’d just pick better next time. This experience with him would have been for nothing if I didn’t end up learning something from it.
The crowd erupted into applause. I had missed the entire first performance zoning out and talking to that guy. I had to stay present. Nate isn’t in his suite doing this, I told myself. It was over now, and since it was, I had to be over it, too. I joined the clapping, hearing the host announce that there was an extra performer that night.
“Did you know this was happening?” Makani asked me.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. Luau performers were always booked well in advance because ours weren’t the only ones they performed at. I watched the stage, hearing the audience clap again as Nate walked on with a stool in one hand and a guitar in the other. I felt my heart drop. Oh my God.
“Do you need to leave? I can cover for you,” Makani said to me.
Yes. I wanted to get out of there. He was the performer? I couldn’t watch this. I didn’t want to stand there and listen to this. I was trying to get over him; his music took me right back to feeling sad and abandoned by him when I heard it. I hadn’t listened to his band since we stopped talking.
The part of me that was like those stupid girls in the movies who didn’t know when to let go wanted to stay. He was such a talented musician. If I didn’t get him to myself, couldn’t I have him like this?
“Hi, I’m Nate,” he said. “I came here after my band broke up back in Los Angeles. I didn’t think I’d make music again, but I met someone really special here on Lanai who changed my mind. This song is for her,” he said.
Stop it, I thought. He isn’t talking about you.
“Abby?” Makani said.
“I’m fine,” I said tersely. I hadn’t meant to snap, but I needed to hear this. He began playing, and I held my breath, realizing it was the first time I was hearing him live. He started singing, and my jaw dropped open. He didn’t really sing in Remus; he did a lot of the backing vocals, but mostly played and wrote.
I knew what he sounded like, but I’d never experienced his music like this. I’d never imagined this being the experience of hearing him play his music live.
His presence on stage had everyone there completely enraptured; I knew it wasn’t just me, but I felt in my gut that he was telling me something.
I knew that the two of us had connected during his time here. I knew I wasn’t making that up. What had happened had happened, and it still meant something, even if we had stopped talking. I tried to lock my eyes with his; he was scanning the audience as he played. Maybe he couldn’t see us very well. The stage was lit, but the rest of the luau was probably dark from where he was.
But then he saw me. As our eyes locked, I felt like nothing had happened. He hadn’t said horrible things to me, and I hadn’t asked him to leave me alone.
He looked away as he strummed the final chords of his song, looking up again as the audience broke into applause. I lost sight of him because of the number of people that were on their feet giving him a standing ovation. I clapped furiously. That was so good. I felt Makani touch my arm.
“You know that was for you, right?” she asked. I shrugged, but I was screaming inside. I wanted to see him. I wanted to tell him how well he had done and that I was sorry.
“Where did he go?” I asked her.
She pointed over to the side of the stage where Nate was talking to Keno. I saw them look over a couple times before they star
ted heading towards us. Oh my God, he was coming over. What the hell did I tell him? All my initial bravery fizzled away. I didn’t want to run, though. I couldn’t do that again. I grabbed Makani's hand, so she didn't even think about bailing and leaving me there.
"Abby," she complained.
"I'm not doing this alone," I said through gritted teeth.
"I can't talk to him," she said.
"Then don't. You don't have to say anything. Just stay right there," I whispered. I watched the men walking over to us. My heart started pounding. Think, Abby, think, I thought. What was I going to say? He is coming over to me, so he has to speak first. The last conversation we'd had had been so awful.
I had been upset, and seeing him again, I had felt insecure and exposed. I had just wanted him to leave because that push and pull was too much for me. Did he or didn't he want me; which was it?
I didn't want to hear him say he didn't need me anymore again if that was what he decided after I'd been around long enough to bore him once again. I felt deeply for him, but I was scared, too. Right then, fear had won. I didn't know what would win this time when he spoke to me.
"Hey," he said to both of us. Keno greeted us, too. The tension between the four of us was thick and heavy.
"Hi," I said shortly. I heard Makani clear her throat at my side.
"Nate, that performance was amazing. I had no idea you were so talented," she said.
"Thanks," he said, with a small smile. "I haven't played like that in a long time. I was hoping you'd be here to watch," he said, looking at me.
"You did really well," I said honestly.
"I was also hoping you'd be here so we could talk. I'm so sorry, Abby. I was an asshole. I hate myself for saying what I said to you, and I want to make it up to you," he said.
"Nate, I think-"
"She'd love to," Makani said, interjecting.
Nate looked from her to me, waiting for me to either say I was going or I wasn't. I sighed and nodded. How many more times was he going to reach out to me again? I was upset, but that didn't mean I had to punish him by turning him down even though I felt the same way he did.
