You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice
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About The Believer magazine
The Believer is a magazine offering essays, interviews, reviews, and advice, the latter of which appears in the form of a monthly column called “Sedaratives.” The Sedaratives column, which started in May 2005 with advice by Amy Sedaris, gave rise to this book.
About the Editor
Eric Spitznagel is a contributing editor for The Believer magazine, where he cocreated (along with Amy Sedaris) the Sedaratives column. He’s also the author of six books and a frequent contributor to Playboy and Vanity Fair. He has one more testicle than Hitler, which he considers a moral victory.
Contents
INTRODUCTION BY DAVID CROSS
AZIZ ANSARI
JUDD APATOW
FRED ARMISEN
MARIA BAMFORD
TODD BARRY
SAMANTHA BEE
MICHAEL IAN BLACK AND MICHAEL SHOWALTER
ANDY BOROWITZ
MICHAEL CERA
VERNON CHATMAN AND JOHN LEE
ROB CORDDRY
LARRY DOYLE
PAUL FEIG
JIM GAFFIGAN
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
JANEANE GAROFALO
DANIEL HANDLER
TODD HANSON
TIM HEIDECKER AND ERIC WAREHEIM
ED HELMS
BUCK HENRY
MINDY KALING
THOMAS LENNON
AL MADRIGAL
AASIF MANDVI
MARC MARON
ADAM MCKAY
EUGENE MIRMAN
MORGAN MURPHY
BOB ODENKIRK
JOHN OLIVER
PATTON OSWALT
MARTHA PLIMPTON
HAROLD RAMIS
AMY SEDARIS
SARAH SILVERMAN
PAUL F. TOMPKINS
SARAH VOWELL
DAVID WAIN
RAINN WILSON
LIZZ WINSTEAD
THE HORRIBLE PEOPLE
Introduction
Dear David Cross:
We’re thinking about publishing a book of advice. It would involve getting a bunch of our favorite comedians and writers and actors (and whoever else is available) to answer questions on a variety of topics, particularly those in which they have very little knowledge or experience. Does this seem like a good idea?
Best,
The Believer magazine
San Francisco, CA
Dear The Believer magazine:
Unfortunately, I cannot answer your impertinent question with a simple “Sure” or “Ha-ha! Wait, you’re not serious, are you?” answer. I’m afraid this will take a great deal of thought and therefore time. I’m not sure that I have that time to give. I am currently in the middle of Doodle City: Legend of Kylarath, and I am very close to getting an upgrade for my Shield of the Ancients and the magic grapes from the Innkeeper. I don’t know that I can or want to help you. But … a deal is a deal, yes?
What you have done for me is unforgivable. Sorry, Freudian slip. Unforgettable is what I meant. Okay then, let’s do this. I will need to take off the next three weeks from work. (I am a life coach for Jack Welch.) Given that, I am booking a flight now to Upper Mongolia, where I can meditate on the answer unmolested by technology or beauty.
There. I have booked it. Computers!!
The flight leaves tonight from Newark. It is costly and I am sitting in the back row just across from the toilet. I have been told to bring my own snacks, as none will be provided. I booked it on Orbitz.com less than five minutes ago and have already received four spam e-mails from them. No, I do not want to save up to 35 percent on a flight/hotel package to Disney World.
Before I leave for the airport, let me just ask this: Why? Is this book really necessary? Will it help? Or will it hurt? I mean really hurt, like ten waterboardings and an Indian burn on your penis and/or vulva? Have you given that any thought? What about animals? Are they being considered? Especially cute otters? What about the people of Southeast Asia? And why now? How come not in a couple of weeks? I don’t understand. I especially don’t understand why I am going on this long, involved, inconvenient trip. I could’ve just taken a bath. Oh well, the ticket has been paid for and is waiting in webspace. If nothing else, I should lose a couple of pounds from the dysentery.
I’m going to take a quick nap and poo before the flight. Later, skater!
(A short while later.)
Well, I am now at the gate and there has been a slight delay due to a military coup that took place earlier this evening in one of the cities we were supposed to stop in on the way. It was in the fictional town of Khurgiztisk. Hashna Hoti was thrown out of office and replaced by his brother Adnan, a high-ranking wizard in World of Warcraft. I am quickly losing power in my iPod as well. But that’s okay; I brought along some mix tapes. I’m going to give them to the pilot to stick in the stereo once we level off and attain our cruising altitude. It’s mostly Bikini Kill and early Faust. Oh, hang on.
(An indeterminate number of days later.)
Great! The coup failed and we are cleared for takeoff. Adnan hoti was killed in the public square by children and wolves. Thank the gods! I can now eat those salt-and-vinegar pork rinds I found. The new leader is Grzk Usbghg, a donkey groomer from the early 1900s.
(One flight later.)
I am now back in America and feel well rested if nothing else. You had asked me something earlier before I left the country. What was it? Something about your doing a book of “advice”? Well, before I can answer you, I need to ask a few questions.
1. Will this be a “for-profit” book, or will all monies collected be sent to charity, specifically the International Association for Blinds and Deafs?
2. Will it be “funny”? And if so, will it be smugly absurd or absurdly smug?
3. Who played shortstop for the Atlanta Braves after Rafael Ramírez?
4. Will this be the kind of book I can find and purchase at the airport or will I have to go to a scary anarchist’s underground bunker to find it?
5. Will I receive credit toward junior college for this?
6. I believe that five questions are enough. But not more than enough. That would be six questions.
7. Please see question number 6.
Until I receive a satisfactory reply to the above, I’m afraid I can’t help you.
Anxiously awaiting your reply (not really),
David Cross
Aziz Ansari
Dear Aziz:
My best friend recently asked if my wife is a beard. I don’t understand the question. Is he luring me into a game of absurdist improv? Should I respond with “No, she’s a teapot. Is your wife a Persian rug?”
R. Hayes
Bakersfield, CA
Dear R. Hayes:
Your playful back-and-forth makes it very clear. You should respond with “Brian, I love you and I want to leave my wife.” Hide your true feelings no more.
Aziz
…
Dear Aziz:
I just saw my grandma’s tattoos. Suddenly I don’t want tattoos anymore. (That was the saddest-looking unicorn I’ve ever seen.) Is there a way of getting rid of a tramp stamp without expensive surgery?
Mikayla
Mississauga, ON, Canada
Dear Mikayla:
Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. The best thing to do is to get tattoos that age well. Perhaps a tattoo of a young Michael Caine, which will age gracefully into a tattoo of an older Michael Caine. Another option is to get a huge arrow tattooed on your back. Have it point to the tat, and at the top write, “I really regret this and I promise I�
�m not a whore.”
Aziz
…
Dear Aziz:
How long can you spend masturbating to pictures of ex-girlfriends on Facebook before it becomes a problem?
Ethan
Boise, ID
Dear Ethan:
At the current time, I’d say you don’t have a problem. But if it moves from Facebook to Twitter and you are simply masturbating to her Twitter updates, then it’s time to step away and reassess the situation.
Aziz
…
Dear Aziz:
How does one go about becoming a ward of the state? It sounds like a sweet deal.
Daniel Wyatt
Minneapolis, MN
Dear Daniel:
Unfortunately, I’m too lazy to go to Wikipedia or Google and find out exactly what a ward of the state is. The person sitting next to me didn’t know either. I suggest you drop this dream.
Aziz
…
Dear Aziz:
Every time I think of her, I get so dizzy that I want to throw up. Am I in love?
Just Gavin
Cleveland, OH
Dear Gavin:
This happened to me once, too. You used old milk in the macaroni you just made. Don’t eat any more!
Aziz
…
Dear Aziz:
Can a single woman and a married man be “just friends”? We’ve made jokes like “What’s a handjob between pals?” But I’m pretty sure he was just kidding. Oh crap, does he think he’s getting a handjob? Dammit!
Charlotte
Boston, MA
Dear Charlotte:
I was once a maid in a very posh hotel, and a guest who was running for senator came into the room of a socialite to say hello. I was inside cleaning and was trying on a fancy jacket owned by the socialite. The senatorial candidate walked in and, believing that I was the socialite, went with me on a walk in the park. There was a bond formed based on a lie, but I had to pursue it.
So my answer is I’m not sure; I just wanted to tell someone I was the inspiration for the hit film Maid in Manhattan, starring Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes.
Aziz
Judd Apatow
Dear Judd:
I was talking on the phone with my brother not long ago, and while we were saying our goodbye I told him I loved him. He seemed hesitant to return the words. I haven’t said it again since, but it’s been on my mind. What’s wrong with telling your brother you love him? Could it be some deep-seated homophobia?
Feeling Unloved in Alaska
Dear Feeling Unloved in Alaska:
I am confused. Are these questions for real or is this column a joke? If this is real, I would say that it is often hard for siblings to connect after so many difficult years of rivalry and competition for the love of their parents. If this is a fake letter then I am not sure what to say. Am I supposed to make a joke?
Judd
…
Dear Judd:
My neighbor’s dog has been leaving “surprises” on my front lawn. I’ve complained about it repeatedly, but he refuses to curb his dog or, at the very least, keep the mutt on a leash. Legally, does this give me the right to take a dump on his property?
Ready to Poop
Clearwater, FL
Dear Ready to Poop:
This one feels like a fake letter. The question is not very funny or unique. I thought The Believer was written by smart, literate people. Or maybe they are so smart that they don’t know how to write dirty questions and jokes. I wonder if these questions are lame as some sort of ironic comment on how the magazine feels about me.
Judd
…
Dear Judd:
My son was just diagnosed with a wheat allergy. Does this mean he’s going to be rotten at competitive sports?
Hand-wringing Father in
St. Louis
Dear Hand-wringing Father in St. Louis:
Now, this is the type of question that only an egghead unfunny human can write. When looked at from every possible direction it is devoid of humor. It is also so unfunny that there’s no way for me to spin it funny, even if I comment on how unfunny it is. I don’t see how any of this promotes Funny People. Maybe that is the whole point. They are so against that type of promotion and publicity that they invite me to answer these questions, knowing I will fail. My failure is their intellectual way of attacking me for being commercial. I can’t believe The Believer is so mean and judgmental.
Judd
…
Dear Judd:
I’m reading a book and I really hate it, but I’m almost done. I think I’m going to finish it, but I’m having an existential crisis re: wasting my life reading a book I hate. On the other hand, my parents raised me to believe that once you read the first page, you’re committed to the last page. But this book is just so bad. Any advice?
Claire
Baltimore, MD
Dear Claire:
See, this one feels real. I like this question. I personally own thousands of books and have read maybe twenty in the last five years. I have read one or two pages of all of them. So I say, put it down with pride. Shit, The Believer just got me to admit how illiterate and uneducated I am.
Judd
…
Dear Judd:
I’m getting married next weekend and my bride-to-be has decided that we should write our own vows. Can you help me come up with something that’s (a) totally romantic, and (b) lets my bros know that I think this is just as queer as they do?
Thanks.
Hoping Not to Look Like a Fag at the Altar Boston, MA
Dear Hoping Not to Look Like a Fag at the Altar:
This one is clearly a joke meant to comment on the current trend of “bromance comedies,” which some have blamed on me. If I answer this one, I am accepting the fact that they think I would use words like “bros” and “queer.” So I refuse to respond, even with a joke as a form of protest. Think about my movies, really think about them, and you will see there are all sorts of levels and shit in there.
Judd
…
Dear Judd:
How do I get rid of this cowlick? Besides a hat, I mean.
Confused in San Francisco
Dear Confused in San Francisco:
Now I am embarrassed. I have clearly used an ironic approach to answer these questions as a way to seem like I fit into the style of The Believer, when the truth is that I don’t even understand what the style of The Believer is and actually have a hard time reading it because it’s so damn smart. I like twenty-page articles on the history of the Helvetica font and interviews with Todd Haynes as much as the next guy, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I like saying I read The Believer more than I like actually reading it. It looks great in the magazine rack in my bathroom and sitting on the floor of my office. And even though I have never read one cover-to-cover, I glow in the pride of being a buyer of it when people notice I have it on an airplane or when I read it in front of them so they know I am smart. So fuck you, The Believer, for exposing me like this. I don’t need you. I think leaving a McSweeney’s around makes me look cool enough.
Judd
Fred Armisen
Dear Fred:
What do you think is the best way to tell my dad I’m a lesbian? I’m thinking he’s already suspicious since I’m thirty-one and haven’t yet brought a guy home.
Jennifer Alfonso
Tampa, FL
Dear Jennifer:
I’ll tell him. What’s his number? Let me practice what I’m going to say to him. “Hi, Mr. Alfonso? I’m Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live on NBC.” No, no, no. “Hey! Señor Alfonso! Whatchoo’ doin’? Slap me five!” No. “Mr. Alfonso, this is an amazing, weird planet we live on. Look at that sky. Is there a name for such a beautiful color? Let’s talk about your daughter.” No. I’ll figure it out. But again, his number, please.
Fred
…
Dear Fred:
&nb
sp; Which is better for cannabis, the cookie or the brownie? Or are we all off track? Should we explore other options, like marmalade or trail mix? Plus, do you have any recipes?
Jack Foster
Queens, NY
Dear Jack:
Leave sweets alone. They don’t need your cannabis. Why would you want to ruin a delicious brownie? Here’s a recipe: Go out your front door. Get in your car. Drive down the street. Go to a parking lot. Get out of your car and sit on the hood. Think about your question. Think about the fact that you don’t know me well enough to ask me a question like that. It’s called manners. Have them.
Fred
…
Dear Fred:
I’m a college student turning twenty. The last girlfriend I had was in high school, and that was after three years of asking her out every summer. In college, I find it hard to meet girls with similar interests, like television on DVD or sixty trips to the movie theater a year. Do I have to give up my obviously unsuccessful lifestyle and become more intrepid to find available women, or is there a woman out there sedate enough for me to date?
Na Jo
Chicago, IL
Dear Na:
There are many holes in your story. The numbers don’t check out. You’re turning twenty but you spent three summers without a girlfriend but you had one in high school? The math doesn’t work. Sixty trips to the movie theater a year but you’re a full-time student, which means you can only work part-time but you’re also into DVDs? It doesn’t make sense. What are you really trying to ask me? I know. You want to ask me why my arms are so built. Na! Don’t be so shy. Go ahead and ask. It comes from rigorous weight lifting and weight training. Some push-ups, but mostly weights.
Fred
…
Dear Fred:
I recently received an e-mail from a female friend whom I’d been romantically involved with over the summer. Things ended badly, and the e-mail was an apology for her jealous behavior. Should I accept her apology?
Andrew McIntyre
Washington, DC
Dear Andrew:
Here’s a quote from a speech by Mahatma Gandhi, 1945: “Breakups are hard. Breakups are hard. You say these things and it’s like … I don’t know. I don’t get jealous, you know? I just get mad sometimes. Like ‘What did that guy say to you?’ That kind of thing. A friend of mine is going through this and it’s like … I know what you’re going through. Really.”